How do you save the children?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
How do you save the children?
My brother is a self-centered ostrich with his head in the sand, and his ex-wife is a active heroin addict. It’s tearing up their 5-year old little girl who has lived a chaotic lifestyle since she was born – moving from place to place and no sense of stability. Anger, yelling and screaming have surrounded her for most of her life.
The little girl is starting to develop what I consider severe behavioral issues. She “lives” with her father, who drops her at grandmas most weekends or with his ex-girlfriend, who has a 1-year old daughter by my brother. The 5-year old hates everyone. She tells tells us this. She calls grandma a bitch when she doesn’t get her way. She screams. She has temper tantrums. She told my brothers XGF that she was going to kill her baby sister. She pushes and pinches her baby sister when she thinks no one is looking.
What’s even worse is that my brother lets the heroin addict ex-wife take the little girl when he can't find someone else to watch the her. And she gets even more neglected there. His ex-wife is basically homeless, trippin' from house to house, wherever she can find a place. Any money she gets goes to heroin. It's really really bad for the little girl to be around her mother. She is neglectful and high most of the time. And that is on the good days. She's even worse when she doesn't have her dope. We have told my brother that being around the mother is really bad for his little girl but he is in serious denial that she is using heroin or else he just doesn't care. He's totally co-dependent and has a hard time saying no to his ex.
Grandma is willing to take the little girl to live with her but we don’t know how to get my brother to agree with that. See, he is also in denial that his little girl has any problems. He thinks that a 5-year old little girl calling people bitch and wanting to kill people is normal I guess.
Any suggestions? This is tearing all us aunties, uncles and grandma apart. The little girl is supposed to start Kindergarten next week and we don’t know if her father is capable of getting her up and out the door every day (he thinks he’s too bohemian to stick to schedules) or if she will be able to handle school. Her behavior is getting worse and worse.
The little girl is starting to develop what I consider severe behavioral issues. She “lives” with her father, who drops her at grandmas most weekends or with his ex-girlfriend, who has a 1-year old daughter by my brother. The 5-year old hates everyone. She tells tells us this. She calls grandma a bitch when she doesn’t get her way. She screams. She has temper tantrums. She told my brothers XGF that she was going to kill her baby sister. She pushes and pinches her baby sister when she thinks no one is looking.
What’s even worse is that my brother lets the heroin addict ex-wife take the little girl when he can't find someone else to watch the her. And she gets even more neglected there. His ex-wife is basically homeless, trippin' from house to house, wherever she can find a place. Any money she gets goes to heroin. It's really really bad for the little girl to be around her mother. She is neglectful and high most of the time. And that is on the good days. She's even worse when she doesn't have her dope. We have told my brother that being around the mother is really bad for his little girl but he is in serious denial that she is using heroin or else he just doesn't care. He's totally co-dependent and has a hard time saying no to his ex.
Grandma is willing to take the little girl to live with her but we don’t know how to get my brother to agree with that. See, he is also in denial that his little girl has any problems. He thinks that a 5-year old little girl calling people bitch and wanting to kill people is normal I guess.
Any suggestions? This is tearing all us aunties, uncles and grandma apart. The little girl is supposed to start Kindergarten next week and we don’t know if her father is capable of getting her up and out the door every day (he thinks he’s too bohemian to stick to schedules) or if she will be able to handle school. Her behavior is getting worse and worse.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
God, Kitty, I had the SAME problem couple years back. There were two children, one about 5, the other about 8. They were my crackhead brother's kids, with his crackhead wife. After my brother left, she'd have the entire house day after day with all these drug addicts and drug dealers. the kids were so neglected and my heart was broken.
I know everyone is worried but all you can do, in my opinion, is ask your brother if he wants you to take her in. If you call child services, forget it. NEVER rely on the government to take care of you.
I know everyone is worried but all you can do, in my opinion, is ask your brother if he wants you to take her in. If you call child services, forget it. NEVER rely on the government to take care of you.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
HK - I'm sorry! That poor little girl! The first thing that came to mind is can you and your entire family do an 'intervention' on your brother? Sit him down just as you would an addict that you were going to do an intervention on. I would use CPS as leverage if need be.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I think Callie has a wonderful idea!!!! All of you sit him down and 'talk turkey' to him.
Grandma can tell him that she will take care of little one, but that he needs to sign the appropriate papers so she can deal with Doctors when needed, School, vaccinations, etc and that he can visit and see her any time he wants. Not that you would call CPS, but it could, as Callie said be a good 'leverage' tool.
That way Grandma could get her into some counseling and with some 'consistency' in her life you will all probably start to see some changes in the child.
Sending prayers for you, your family, and especially the little one.
Love and hugs,
Grandma can tell him that she will take care of little one, but that he needs to sign the appropriate papers so she can deal with Doctors when needed, School, vaccinations, etc and that he can visit and see her any time he wants. Not that you would call CPS, but it could, as Callie said be a good 'leverage' tool.
That way Grandma could get her into some counseling and with some 'consistency' in her life you will all probably start to see some changes in the child.
Sending prayers for you, your family, and especially the little one.
Love and hugs,
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I agree with anvilhead... get the authorities involved. That sort of behavior from a five year speaks to something else going on. It isn't just the mobile lifestyle - it is very possible she has been abused along the way.
Get Child Protective Services involved and stay on them. You and grandma can be stable for her, when you can.
All of us have our own path. Each of us can look back on our own childhoods and find a caring adult that we could trust. Sometimes, those events were brief, or widely spaced visits.... but something stuck with us that was helpful. Remember that. You may not be there ALL the time, but when you can... just be there.
But get CPS involved. Her behavior - calling grandma a bitch - is way out there. Grandma, hopefully, can maintain steady, kind boundaries with the child. But someone who is a professional needs to figure out what is behind that.
Kids first
You next
Brother last
Please don't protect him from his responsibilities toward his kids. If the cops need to question him or mom, it can end up being better for all in the long run.
((hugs))
Get Child Protective Services involved and stay on them. You and grandma can be stable for her, when you can.
All of us have our own path. Each of us can look back on our own childhoods and find a caring adult that we could trust. Sometimes, those events were brief, or widely spaced visits.... but something stuck with us that was helpful. Remember that. You may not be there ALL the time, but when you can... just be there.
But get CPS involved. Her behavior - calling grandma a bitch - is way out there. Grandma, hopefully, can maintain steady, kind boundaries with the child. But someone who is a professional needs to figure out what is behind that.
Kids first
You next
Brother last
Please don't protect him from his responsibilities toward his kids. If the cops need to question him or mom, it can end up being better for all in the long run.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 121
Save The Child! -- I would speak with your brother as a family and I would get CPS involved. If Grandma can give the child love and stability that is a plus - but the signs of the child having problems are there -- We are Our Brother's Keeper...
Best Wishes
Best Wishes
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i'm sorry you are having to go through this and i pray for your little niece. when my family got together to figure out the best way for them to take custody of my kids is when my eyes were suddenly shocked open and i ran for treatment. that really was the icing on the cake for me. sure, i was angry at first but once sober, i understood and appreciate somewhat their actions. it got me sober and gives me something to think about whenever i have the thought of using.
do what you have to do to save the child. in the end, it maybe the best for everyone involved.jmo
do what you have to do to save the child. in the end, it maybe the best for everyone involved.jmo
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I know it sounds like a great idea to call Child Protective Services but I caution you, based on my own experiences. This is one of those many instances where I was worried about my loved ones and I took action to "help." I regret it to this very day.
I called Child Protective Services and reported what was going on. This woman had men, drug addicts and drug dealers, in her home, all of them high and obviously she was unable to care for her two small children in this state. I would call and she would be practically comatose. There were MEN taking care of the little girl.
CPS did not tell me that they would reiterate, verbatim, EVERYTHING I said. Once they did, she KNEW who had reported her. I have not seen those children for over 2 years. Everytime I find out her phone number, she changes it. I don't know what other advice to give you.
I called Child Protective Services and reported what was going on. This woman had men, drug addicts and drug dealers, in her home, all of them high and obviously she was unable to care for her two small children in this state. I would call and she would be practically comatose. There were MEN taking care of the little girl.
CPS did not tell me that they would reiterate, verbatim, EVERYTHING I said. Once they did, she KNEW who had reported her. I have not seen those children for over 2 years. Everytime I find out her phone number, she changes it. I don't know what other advice to give you.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
It is important to file reports with the appropriate agencies, CPS and Police. They cannot build a legal case without reports (and affidavits).
You can try other ways of getting custody first (I like the $$ idea!) but failing that you have to reach out. If you don't trust your local CPS, call the national hotline to see if there are any private agencies who can help you determine the next steps.
The national hotline is: Childhelp® USA National Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-4-A-CHILD®
(1-800-422-4453)
TDD: 1-800-2-A-CHILD
As the responsible adults you really are morally bound to do whatever you can to make sure that poor child is safe. She is already exhibiting signs of severe abuse and neglect and is need of counseling NOW.
You can try other ways of getting custody first (I like the $$ idea!) but failing that you have to reach out. If you don't trust your local CPS, call the national hotline to see if there are any private agencies who can help you determine the next steps.
The national hotline is: Childhelp® USA National Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-4-A-CHILD®
(1-800-422-4453)
TDD: 1-800-2-A-CHILD
As the responsible adults you really are morally bound to do whatever you can to make sure that poor child is safe. She is already exhibiting signs of severe abuse and neglect and is need of counseling NOW.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I don't think that CPS is always bad. Of course, everyone has a horror story. But I've seen some of the workers do a fine job with placing children. It doesn't always work out, but sometimes it does. I would report it because it is the right thing. The legal thing. And all I can do is the next right thing. Then it is out of my hands. I am not God.
Love,
KJ
Love,
KJ
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