BackToMe

Like many others, I have been waiting for "pay off on my investment" and attributing all our problems to drugs, thinking it would all be better if only he were clean. There have been a lot of posts on here lately on domestic violence, etc.
Looking back on the past five years, there has been a lot of intrusive behaviour, suspicion, violent outbursts, vulgar/inappropriate accusations, minor physical violence, and threats of worse. He says these were all because of drugs and he has changed (I DON'T, btw, believe he is clean, maybe cleanER) - would have to be an overnight change since the last one of these episodes was only a couple days ago. The worst ones truly were when he had taken extra of his DOC (opiates).
We are 'officially' not together and he hasn't lived here for several months, but I still let him stay way too much and he is around too much for either of us to work on moving on (we have two preschoolers).
My concern is how quickly (like by daylight) my mind has somehow faded the memory of all the horrible things he says/does. Is this something other codependents do or is it a symptom of something else?? I fear I'll jump back in again if I decide to believe he is clean some day and I'll have myself back in a mess that I don't know how to get out of.

Abundance

It's called having a "built in forgetter".... just like addicts do. Addicts/codies forget all of the negatives (consequences) and only have the euphoric recall.

It starts with thoughts/feelings.... and then once the urge hits - we have already relapsed.

Chino

Generally speaking, it's all about survival at a very primitive level. If we didn't forget at least some of the pain we've experienced, we'd never find the courage to live.

teke

i've been married and seperated off and on for 23yrs, so i do understand how you feel. i'm seperated again and sick and of tired of hearing about my ah being clean. maybe, try letting his actions speak louder than his words and in the meantime, focus more on you. keeping you and yours in my prayers.

Callie

I know exactly what 'dance' you're talking about. As in by morning you're starting over with a 'clean slate' and as the day progresses it all deteriorates again. We can easily pin it on drugs and that takes some of the ownership of the addicts actions away in our minds. I think part of it is that the addicts are so manipulative that they KNOW they have to throw some good out there to counteract the bad. If it was constantly bad all of the time we wouldn't stay. As codies for most of us, what keeps us holding on is that we see the good in the addicts. We think if only we could take away the drugs it would be all good. So we stay and start each day off with a clean slate so to speak. We wake up on the same hamster wheel over and over every day. It's a perfect environment for an addict really. Nothing changes if nothing changes. They throw just enough crumbs to keep a codie right where they want them. Manipulation at its finest. But of course as codies, we don't see or feel the manipulation on the surface. But it's there at the core.

Freedom1990

I call it selective memory, and it was a huge part of my denial. If I were to face the truth, what was actually right there in front of me, it would be ugly and painful.

I am so grateful I don't have to live that way anymore.

winnie12

I think we want something so bad that we make ourselves forget it.
for me i always had that "Love conquers all" attitude - like if i loved him enough it would be enough to make him change - that never works by the way. we've decided we want something so much that we ignore the facts blaring in our face. Its like the parent who is so blinded with love and pride that they just cant see that their child is actually an out of control brat. (Oh wait ive been guilty of that too lol)

liesagain

Winnie you are to funny..............and YUP me too on the whole brat thing
well actually on both things

outtolunch

Is this like being a little bit pregnant?

outtolunch

Codism shares many characteristics with addiction. One of them is the delusion that it's not that bad, inch by inch.

The real bad stuff does not usually happen suddenly. It's a gradual slide that redefines normal along the way.

Callie

"They say that if you put a frog into a pot of boiling water,
it will leap out right away to escape the danger.

But, if you put a frog in a kettle that is filled with water that is cool and pleasant,
and then you gradually heat the kettle until it starts boiling,
the frog will not become aware of the threat until it is too late.
The frog's survival instincts are geared towards detecting sudden changes."

Addiction slowly takes our survival instincts away. It creeps in ever so slowly. Every degree that gets hotter we think 'oh, it's not that bad, we can take it. He'll turn the heat down' The heat is just like addiction. Always progressive - it always gets hotter.

IPT

Boy can I relate! I have a thead about this and how hard it is to really face the truth. To lower that veil of denial that we use to protect ourselves. I think it is for our protection we do this. I also think we hook into the fantasy of what "could be" and we don't want to let go of it. It's just too precious. For me right now dealing with the reality of what I REALLY HAD, vs what I imagined or wanted is very painful. Still, it's probably the one thing that I need to do to free myself and move on to a better life. It is not fun. Just my experience, but I can totally relate to you! Sometimes when I think about what I accepted, what reality was, it overwhelms me with feelings and emotions of hurt and regret. Blocking it out, ignoring it is for survival, and much easier....but it is self destructive in the end.

littlebird77

Personally I feel its part of the disease that gets rubbed off on us.
They get high, and forget about all the bad things that occurred around it.
We get high when things are good and forget about all the bad things that occurred around it.