Question?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Question?
Hi Everyone,
I was once told that if one partner in a relationship got onto drugs, that is was more common that the other partner ended up following suit and end up using as well. Less commom that the other partner would leave the relationship.
Has anybody ever heard anything about this...
Rose
I was once told that if one partner in a relationship got onto drugs, that is was more common that the other partner ended up following suit and end up using as well. Less commom that the other partner would leave the relationship.
Has anybody ever heard anything about this...
Rose
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
I have never heard this... and I can only speak for myself here but after seeing how my AH has struggled with his addiction, after watching the wreckage he has created in his marriage, his family and his job, after seeing the way he lives his life with no purpose and seeing him spiritually corrupted because of his disease... there is no way in HELL that I would ever pick up a drug that is stronger then advil.. I have even quit drinking, partly because I don't want the temptation in my house for my AH and partly because I don't want to partake in anything that might be harmful to me or my serenity in the future.
I can see where this might be true in a lot of cases.. even though I know it would be best for me to leave because staying is becoming very painful, I still can't let go yet. I have a lot of work left to do in the Codie department..
Less commom that the other partner would leave the relationship.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 24
In my case my xbf was/is a herion addict and I found out a few mnths nto the relationship. Instead of running a mile I decided I would trt to 'save' him. Tried to get him into rehabs etc, didnt work. Cut a long story short I started to buy him gear so he didnt go out to commit crimes. Then next thing I knew I became resentful of not having money for my DOC, drink and cannibis, I started to smoke it, full blown herion addiction followed. Hell. I entered rehab in 2003 and came off of herion but it took another 4 yrs to realise (like the rehab told me) I was an alcoholic aswell. I should have run a mile the first time I found out but Im in a good place now with my recovery and it was all a huge learning process.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: OZ
Posts: 38
I am with jerect on this one. I have been married for almost 16 years to an A - pills. The path of pain and destruction that he created has left me NEVER wanting to touch a pill.
I have had major Codie issues and yes I did at one low point in the relationship "help" him get his fix...but no longer. And we have now separated and I am getting my life back. I don't have the study, but I did read that it takes an average of 6 times trying before someone leaves an active A for good. That may be why the statistics show that most stay.
I would imagine it is hard to nail the statistics down. Just from reading on SR, I see how varied every experience is. My experience with my AH was very destructve and abusive. Other relationships with As are not that severe. Some are recovering As who are in a relationship with another A. I imagine that makes it harder on many levels.
I have had major Codie issues and yes I did at one low point in the relationship "help" him get his fix...but no longer. And we have now separated and I am getting my life back. I don't have the study, but I did read that it takes an average of 6 times trying before someone leaves an active A for good. That may be why the statistics show that most stay.
I would imagine it is hard to nail the statistics down. Just from reading on SR, I see how varied every experience is. My experience with my AH was very destructve and abusive. Other relationships with As are not that severe. Some are recovering As who are in a relationship with another A. I imagine that makes it harder on many levels.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
I kind of worded that wrong...not meaning to say the other partner leaves the relationship, because many of us hang in there. Is it less commom that the other partner doesn't end up using as well.
I find it kind of hard to beleive, with so many of us here. But I do know of 3 couple who it happened to, one started and the other one picked up as well, one man I know was in the same shape we are or have been, his wife using then he gave up and joined her. He said he was gone for 3 years until he sobered up, she never did. He is in his 4th year clean now and he said he is still working to get back all he lost.
When I was still with my husband and we were at the lawyers because of the trouble he had got into, the lawyer said to me Thank God he didn't take you down with him, you don't know how many cases I see where they are both using.
Rose
I find it kind of hard to beleive, with so many of us here. But I do know of 3 couple who it happened to, one started and the other one picked up as well, one man I know was in the same shape we are or have been, his wife using then he gave up and joined her. He said he was gone for 3 years until he sobered up, she never did. He is in his 4th year clean now and he said he is still working to get back all he lost.
When I was still with my husband and we were at the lawyers because of the trouble he had got into, the lawyer said to me Thank God he didn't take you down with him, you don't know how many cases I see where they are both using.
Rose
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
unfortunately i was one of those who took up drugs because i thought for some reason that it would help me to better understand and relate to my ah. at the time,i was young and nieve and had no knowledge of the effects doing drugs would have. i was one who never indulged in any kind of mind altering substance so i guess i though one time couldn't hurt, so i took the hit and found that i could not stop until i found myself in rehab.
didn't take me long to figure out that it was one of the worst decisions i could have ever made. been struggling for about 20yrs now, to stay clean and sober. its only by the grace of god that i'm still here and i'm eternally grateful.
didn't take me long to figure out that it was one of the worst decisions i could have ever made. been struggling for about 20yrs now, to stay clean and sober. its only by the grace of god that i'm still here and i'm eternally grateful.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
I almost did, sort of…about half way into the 4 year relationship I was so lost, so hurt, and lonely at her not being there, choosing drugs over me. I had no experience AT ALL with co-dependence and any experience I had with addiction was removed enough from me that I had no idea really. Maybe I shouldn’t say that. I was quite the drinker in my teens and early 20’s but for the most part had learned that alcohol was not the way to deal with emotions.
My AGF’s DOC was weed. One night (don’t remember the exact circumstances) I got pretty drunk, because I was upset and hurt by something she did and had a weak moment. I don’t remember how she got there, but my gf was there. I told her, and I almost remember it specifically “I want to try it. I want to see what’s so great that you keep choosing it over me”.
She was adamant about me not doing it (just smoking weed) because she knew it was not me at all and led to nothing good. She was actually crying about the whole thing and used her unhgappiness as an example, but I didn’t care. I persisted and told her if she wouldn’t get it I would call a friend and get it from them (I think in some twisted way I was trying to get her to see how stupid and ugly it was to get her to want to quit…). In the end she got it, I took a puff or two (never smoked a thing in my life and was always against smoking anything up until then). I don’t even remember being “high” or any effect (too drunk I guess). I woke up the next day feeling like crap from the hangover, and my lungs felt like crap too.
That was it for me. I’d be lying if I said there have not been times when I thought "maybe I should just smoke with her than we could be together and she wouldn’t have to have that secret life". All would be good. Then reality sets in. It is not a life I want and I would be totally compromising me. I am an active healthy person with a lot of responsibility. Still, that co-dependency (or addiction if you will) to her made me entertain the idea. It amazes me thinking about it, and it was never something I truly thought about putting into action, but the thought had crossed my mind before. I think it was more just me grasping for ideas to make it work, to stop the hurting and keep her in my life at the same time, than an idea or solution I was really considering. In general I am a health conscious person, fit and active so it was never really an option.
I think for most it is painful, if not impossible to stay with someone in active addiction. It takes years (I think) to detach with ove and stay, and even then I am not sure the relationship is "good". If you join them, in some ways you can have that person, lesson the conflict, and on the surface have what you wanted. Thing is, then all the real problems start and you probably realize you should have just left. That as long as there is addiction there are going to be problems and joining them is a short term solution that ultimately blows up to much worse scenarios.
My AGF’s DOC was weed. One night (don’t remember the exact circumstances) I got pretty drunk, because I was upset and hurt by something she did and had a weak moment. I don’t remember how she got there, but my gf was there. I told her, and I almost remember it specifically “I want to try it. I want to see what’s so great that you keep choosing it over me”.
She was adamant about me not doing it (just smoking weed) because she knew it was not me at all and led to nothing good. She was actually crying about the whole thing and used her unhgappiness as an example, but I didn’t care. I persisted and told her if she wouldn’t get it I would call a friend and get it from them (I think in some twisted way I was trying to get her to see how stupid and ugly it was to get her to want to quit…). In the end she got it, I took a puff or two (never smoked a thing in my life and was always against smoking anything up until then). I don’t even remember being “high” or any effect (too drunk I guess). I woke up the next day feeling like crap from the hangover, and my lungs felt like crap too.
That was it for me. I’d be lying if I said there have not been times when I thought "maybe I should just smoke with her than we could be together and she wouldn’t have to have that secret life". All would be good. Then reality sets in. It is not a life I want and I would be totally compromising me. I am an active healthy person with a lot of responsibility. Still, that co-dependency (or addiction if you will) to her made me entertain the idea. It amazes me thinking about it, and it was never something I truly thought about putting into action, but the thought had crossed my mind before. I think it was more just me grasping for ideas to make it work, to stop the hurting and keep her in my life at the same time, than an idea or solution I was really considering. In general I am a health conscious person, fit and active so it was never really an option.
I think for most it is painful, if not impossible to stay with someone in active addiction. It takes years (I think) to detach with ove and stay, and even then I am not sure the relationship is "good". If you join them, in some ways you can have that person, lesson the conflict, and on the surface have what you wanted. Thing is, then all the real problems start and you probably realize you should have just left. That as long as there is addiction there are going to be problems and joining them is a short term solution that ultimately blows up to much worse scenarios.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
My daughter tried heroin because she had hooked up with a guy recently released from prison who was back in the game, and she was curious.
He refused her and so she went to his friend and gave it a shot. She claims she knew she was addicted from the very first time.
He refused her and so she went to his friend and gave it a shot. She claims she knew she was addicted from the very first time.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
My son's DOC is pain pills, I am pretty scared of them.
In the last couple years I have given up my alcohol use, I just didn't feel comfortable drinking when I knew of so much struggling w/addiction in my family. I know I have alcoholic tendencies, drink for the wrong reason, love the buzz and don't want it to go away, would drink alone and even sneak drinks (not that anyone was watching.) So I know for me it was alcoholic tendencies. I struggle now with trying to quit smoking cigarettes.
In the last couple years I have given up my alcohol use, I just didn't feel comfortable drinking when I knew of so much struggling w/addiction in my family. I know I have alcoholic tendencies, drink for the wrong reason, love the buzz and don't want it to go away, would drink alone and even sneak drinks (not that anyone was watching.) So I know for me it was alcoholic tendencies. I struggle now with trying to quit smoking cigarettes.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
This is a very interesting thread but yet at the same time - so heartbreaking.
I hadn't heard that much about the A's bringing their mates down with them by getting them hooked too. AND as I am sitting here - briefly reliving my life with my ex AH - an aha moment hits me . . .
He was constantly pushing for me to take some type of pill (pills are his DOC) I always thought it was so he could steal them from me - but as I think about this - even when he had plenty of pills - he was urging me to take them also.
Maybe it was a you take them so I'm not so bad too - anyway - who knows - but I'm am like several that have posted - the more he took the more it turned me away from even pills prescribed by my physician.
so grateful to not be living that life any more!!
Rita
I hadn't heard that much about the A's bringing their mates down with them by getting them hooked too. AND as I am sitting here - briefly reliving my life with my ex AH - an aha moment hits me . . .
He was constantly pushing for me to take some type of pill (pills are his DOC) I always thought it was so he could steal them from me - but as I think about this - even when he had plenty of pills - he was urging me to take them also.
Maybe it was a you take them so I'm not so bad too - anyway - who knows - but I'm am like several that have posted - the more he took the more it turned me away from even pills prescribed by my physician.
so grateful to not be living that life any more!!
Rita
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
I was so naive to drugs and addiction before it was right in my face. An addict to me was someone laying in the oldest most rubby part of town, the only drug that I thought of or knew of was herion. Never in a day would I have thought that the guy living right nextdoor was an addict. Without any knowledge of drugs and addiction I can sure see it could be easy enough to try something.
I wonder today had I not gone through this nightmare with my husband and had an real life experience with it, would I still be so naive about it. Would I have been a parent to sit and talk to my kids about drugs? I sure didn't have to do that, they what they saw and experienced from their dad, no lecturing talk could have made it any more clear.
Rose
I wonder today had I not gone through this nightmare with my husband and had an real life experience with it, would I still be so naive about it. Would I have been a parent to sit and talk to my kids about drugs? I sure didn't have to do that, they what they saw and experienced from their dad, no lecturing talk could have made it any more clear.
Rose
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
My husband was so far into it before I figured it out or found out what was going on. He once told me that he was going to try to convince me to smoke some crack, but thought better that it could get me into trouble, see he knew he was in trouble with it before I knew he was on it. I would go to work and talk to my co-workers there and say I just don't know what is up with my husband and explain his behavour....many of them said do you not think he is on drugs....NO..oh NO, it's not drugs!
He was working and living away through the week, so come friday night I would go pick him up at the ferry, I thought he and his buddy had been drinking...then come Saturday he was cranky with me and the boys and Sunday off he would go again for the week.
So I started nagging at him to knock off the drinking after work on Fridays on there way home, that it was making our time together on the weekends not pleasant. We started to really fight, our nightly talks stopped. Then he came home for a couple of months as the job he was on was done. His behavour was so upsetting. He had always had this little black hand bag, he would through his cigs, lighter and phone directory in it, business cards...he had a gravel trucking business. It was always right out in the open, nothing to hide. One morning he was going to work early early in the morning, I didn't usually get up when he was going that early, would make him a lunch the night before. But for some reason I woke up and thought well I will get up and have a coffee with him, I came out in the kitchen and there he was with this black bag, he quickly grabbed it and put it away. Something was not right, that night when he came home, the bag was not out in the open. He went to sleep so guess what I did....found the bag and looked inside. I found a pipe, but I knew he would smoke pot here and there, not on a daily base, not even really enought to have any concerns over. Then I found some wire mesh, I thought well that is probably to scrub his wheels of his gravel truck, then I found a piece of wire about 3 inchs long, I thought well that is probably for picking rocks out of his gravel truck tires...da da da. See I knew nothing how drugs where used and my find didn't clue me in.
Finally after he'd gone missing for a night after another fight, he called me the next day and I went to meet him on our boat, he laid everything out on the table and told me he is smoking crack. Told me to take everything and get rid of it, he was done. I was so relieved, this mistery is over. Some sort of a week goes by, things seemed ok then he acts up again. Now what I thought, he is not using crack anymore he told me he is done...from there I was on one 6 year rollercoaster ride....what a way to have to learn about drugs and addiction.
I left that rollercoaster ride in the North Pole and sailed slowly back to ground earth.
Ever so glad that I never touched that crap!
Rose
He was working and living away through the week, so come friday night I would go pick him up at the ferry, I thought he and his buddy had been drinking...then come Saturday he was cranky with me and the boys and Sunday off he would go again for the week.
So I started nagging at him to knock off the drinking after work on Fridays on there way home, that it was making our time together on the weekends not pleasant. We started to really fight, our nightly talks stopped. Then he came home for a couple of months as the job he was on was done. His behavour was so upsetting. He had always had this little black hand bag, he would through his cigs, lighter and phone directory in it, business cards...he had a gravel trucking business. It was always right out in the open, nothing to hide. One morning he was going to work early early in the morning, I didn't usually get up when he was going that early, would make him a lunch the night before. But for some reason I woke up and thought well I will get up and have a coffee with him, I came out in the kitchen and there he was with this black bag, he quickly grabbed it and put it away. Something was not right, that night when he came home, the bag was not out in the open. He went to sleep so guess what I did....found the bag and looked inside. I found a pipe, but I knew he would smoke pot here and there, not on a daily base, not even really enought to have any concerns over. Then I found some wire mesh, I thought well that is probably to scrub his wheels of his gravel truck, then I found a piece of wire about 3 inchs long, I thought well that is probably for picking rocks out of his gravel truck tires...da da da. See I knew nothing how drugs where used and my find didn't clue me in.
Finally after he'd gone missing for a night after another fight, he called me the next day and I went to meet him on our boat, he laid everything out on the table and told me he is smoking crack. Told me to take everything and get rid of it, he was done. I was so relieved, this mistery is over. Some sort of a week goes by, things seemed ok then he acts up again. Now what I thought, he is not using crack anymore he told me he is done...from there I was on one 6 year rollercoaster ride....what a way to have to learn about drugs and addiction.
I left that rollercoaster ride in the North Pole and sailed slowly back to ground earth.
Ever so glad that I never touched that crap!
Rose
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