still trying to let it go....
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Let's be real here ladies and gentlemen, I think what we're all saying subtly is that we'd all rather be single and "independent" than stuck in a bad/unhealthy relationship.
I used to dream of the one perfect relationship but now that I have lived alone for like 5 years, I am so happy living with myself!!! And I have no worries or problems but my own. And no one to create problems and arguments. I love my independence.
But, I AM working on my Codependent tendency to not ask for or accept help from others. I'm getting there...
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi Alaia,
Alaia, try not to be sorry for posting your feelings and what you are going through. Be patient with yourself. Although we don't want you to hurt, we are glad you are posting these things because you are all of us and you are helping us by posting what you are going through. We are going thru the same life experiences as you. Your problems ARE real problems. And there is NOTHING wrong with you.
The answer to your question:
First, you do not know how he feels about this other person. Even if he has told you how he feels about this person, you cannot ever get inside of him to know what is truly going on. Their words rarely match their insides. Heck, even his behavior doesn't match his words, so why would anything else match what he says?
Second, in answer to your question Was it his addiction that made him string you along while he was with that other person, pretending to be with you.: YES-ABSOLUTELY, CATEGORICALLY, YES. His addiction causes him to do things he would not otherwise do. It causes him to live a life that he does not even want for himself. It causes him to behave in ways that are completely the OPPOSITE of even who he thinks he is. He can't even see that he behaves in the opposite way from his OWN values. Think of the addiction like a monster that lives inside of him. Addiction is a Parasite. It feeds on him and directs his EVERY behavior.
He didn't come home to you because that other situation supports and encourages the lifestyle he and his addiction monster have chosen. In my opinion, even though he wanted to have a relationship with you (which is obvious because of how you describe the good times in the relationship) he could not see how to have both. He cannot support a healthy relationship with you and maintain his addictive lifestyle at the same time. He also knows that having him in your life is not healthy for you.
He had to make a choice whether to serve his addiction or continue a relationship with you, and he chose his addiction. He will EVERY time until he wants to stop living that life.
It has nothing to do with your value as a human being, nothing to do with your looks, nothing to do with whether you are a good match, nothing to do with whether he enjoyed the good times with you or not, nothing to do with how he feels about you. It is entirely about his addiction.
By the same token, SHE has nothing to do with his behavior and choices either, except for what she has to offer his addiction. She is most likely an enabler in many ways, just like you and me and us. She supports his addiction, that's all. And if and when she no longer does, or if it gets too difficult for him to handle being with her and still maintain his addiction lifestyle, he will move on to someone else.
He lied to you for 3 months because he was keeping one foot in your door and one foot out. He was testing out this other person to see if she would tolerate or encourage or enable his addiction, before he could let go of you. He was scared to let go because he is DEPENDENT on other people.
A Codependent relationship means that both people in the relationship, both you and he, are dependent. He was dependent on you to support his life and allow his addiction to continue. And you were dependent on him for things only you can identify and know. That's why you get into Active Recovery. A good start to that is attending Al-Anon. Al-Anon helps you to become aware of and understand what you have been doing that is unhealthy, all in a very supportive and non-threatening manner. It is where I, and many others, have started their Recovery. And Recovery is a lifelong process. So, I say, Get Started.
I know everyone says is not me and not to blame myself...but I have to wonder what the hell is wrong with me...why didn't he come home to me...he went to her. I'm sorry guys...I am having a really hard time with this and I know there are other people here with real problems that need help and I just keep posting the same blah blah blah.
The answer to your question:
Was it his addiction that made him fall in love with his new gf, and string me along for 3 months while he was with her and pretending to be with me?
Second, in answer to your question Was it his addiction that made him string you along while he was with that other person, pretending to be with you.: YES-ABSOLUTELY, CATEGORICALLY, YES. His addiction causes him to do things he would not otherwise do. It causes him to live a life that he does not even want for himself. It causes him to behave in ways that are completely the OPPOSITE of even who he thinks he is. He can't even see that he behaves in the opposite way from his OWN values. Think of the addiction like a monster that lives inside of him. Addiction is a Parasite. It feeds on him and directs his EVERY behavior.
He didn't come home to you because that other situation supports and encourages the lifestyle he and his addiction monster have chosen. In my opinion, even though he wanted to have a relationship with you (which is obvious because of how you describe the good times in the relationship) he could not see how to have both. He cannot support a healthy relationship with you and maintain his addictive lifestyle at the same time. He also knows that having him in your life is not healthy for you.
He had to make a choice whether to serve his addiction or continue a relationship with you, and he chose his addiction. He will EVERY time until he wants to stop living that life.
It has nothing to do with your value as a human being, nothing to do with your looks, nothing to do with whether you are a good match, nothing to do with whether he enjoyed the good times with you or not, nothing to do with how he feels about you. It is entirely about his addiction.
By the same token, SHE has nothing to do with his behavior and choices either, except for what she has to offer his addiction. She is most likely an enabler in many ways, just like you and me and us. She supports his addiction, that's all. And if and when she no longer does, or if it gets too difficult for him to handle being with her and still maintain his addiction lifestyle, he will move on to someone else.
He lied to you for 3 months because he was keeping one foot in your door and one foot out. He was testing out this other person to see if she would tolerate or encourage or enable his addiction, before he could let go of you. He was scared to let go because he is DEPENDENT on other people.
A Codependent relationship means that both people in the relationship, both you and he, are dependent. He was dependent on you to support his life and allow his addiction to continue. And you were dependent on him for things only you can identify and know. That's why you get into Active Recovery. A good start to that is attending Al-Anon. Al-Anon helps you to become aware of and understand what you have been doing that is unhealthy, all in a very supportive and non-threatening manner. It is where I, and many others, have started their Recovery. And Recovery is a lifelong process. So, I say, Get Started.
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