Callie

Anvil's post about guests really got me thinking...


I've always been the type of person who likes things neat and in order. I hate clutter, I am the polar opposite of a hoarder. I feel that I cannot rest until things are managable. I feel overwhelmed when things pile up...laundry, floor swept, mopped, toilets cleaned etc. It's as though I can't relax.

I was reading Anvils post about all of the guests coming. I like guests, but cannot relax or chillax (as my kids would call it) unless things are in order. Just this past weekend a g/f came and spent the night. We had a good time, but I could have had a better time (in my mind) if I could have been more prepared.

I don't like it when people drop by unannounced because - well...I'm not prepared. Sometimes I look around me and I'm just so overwhelmed and then become depressed because everything seems monumental. When we first got married, I could do it all. Laundry, dishes, mowing, trimming shrubs, keeping bills in order etc. Gradually as the kids came along my will and determination started slowing down. As H's addiction progressed it (my need to have order) got worse and worse and worse. Depression set in and suddenly every little task seemed so large. I'd have to force myself to get up and do what needed done. What use to be determination, motivation and pride was turning into almost torture to keep up with. I am not a lazy person at all, but the energy was just not there to do what I wanted/thought I needed to do.

Of course I ran the kids where they needed to be, coached them @ soccer, room mother, worked, kept up for the most part. But there is/was this nagging feeling of the 'to do' list hanging over my head. Even if my to do list was completely DONE I would look around and find something else that needed done. Windows washed, junk drawer cleaned out, woodwork cleaned - things that DO need done, but are not a necessity. KWIM?


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I know that I am this way somewhat by nature, but I feel my codieness has taken me over the top a bit. I think it's because for so long all of the responsibilities or most of them were on my shoulders. I think it is because for so long with H in his addiction that *I* am the one that had to do it all. It drives me crazy, but it is ONE thing that I could/can control is order. It came to the point that I want things immaculate - not just presentable - immaculate.

Does or did anyone else feel this way? What did you do to change this?

I've heard it mentioned here before about order and the need to have things completed. I'm just wondering how much of this has to do with codependence...if any of it does.

Callie

I 100% agree with this - it seems the more codie I became the worse my need for control over my house or SOMETHING escalated as well. It doesn't help that I've always been a neat freak though.

ventuhome

I get PAID for obsessiveness!!! I work in a dietary supplements manufacturing facility, and I check a lot of the paperwork. Every entry must be just so, if there's a change it must be done and documented just so. My computer files and the back up paper work must also be kept in a certain way. Its Governement regualtions. Sooo when I come home, my need for order has been met and I can live with whats there, or clean it up if I want to. My kids are both teenagers, and I work them to teach them how to clean up a house/yard. ITs not easy!! My kids are still messier than most teens I know.

Kimmieh

Oy, I just had a lightbulb moment...and I never used to be a neat freak! Now I hate clutter and I hate dirt and nothing is more rewarding than to get rid of stuff.

PS: When I am at other people's home, I don't really care about clutter and dirt (unless it's really bad). When I was in Africa, I lived with the biggest cockroaches I had ever seen (and I live in Florida, lol) and I was not bothered that much. But at home I can't stand it and I now realize that it's probably because it's MINE to control....

Freedom1990

My mother is a compulsive cleaner. We had Thanksgiving at her house maybe 15 years ago and that was the last time we did it there.

Her house is one of those you can't be comfortable in. I made a resolve I was not going to end up that way.

My house is clean enough to be healthy, and dirty enough to be happy.

cessy68

Clean freak over here, raising my hand high!!

I don't know if it's a control thing, or a 'perfection' thing. I feel that I need to have my home clean so that I can 'relax' and feel that things look good, feel good, -- like I don't like responsibility lurking over my head like a dark cloud.

When finances get amuck, I can let it go, because there is NOTHING i can do to pay something if I don't have it. that's clear.

BUT, if I know the floor needs vacumeing, and I'm able, and have the vacume, why sit and stare at it? --- it's a 'just get it over with' attitude....

HEY, wish I could have that attitude with the abf, "if I know what has to be done, why have it hanging over my head? I'm able, just get it over with"......

Funny how it works.

Love,
cess
P.s....need I reminde everyone about my 'cleaning backpack?' carrying around my supplies so I don't have to stop while cleaning... lol

BBD

Another neat freak here. I have to have things in order to relax and enjoy the time I have left at the end of the day. I love the backpack thingy~~~gotta try that one. Now you all have me thinking...I guess my picking up and cleaning could be about codependancy.....but its about me controlling me..Right?? Smiles, Bonnie

justtired

I USED to be a neat freak. Loved everything clean and in order. Then came along abf. I guess I am the opposite of most of you on this one. He used to drive me insane (well, still does) because for everything I picked up, he came behind me and put something back down. If I clear a space on the coffee table, end table, anywhere really, he will find something to set there. Granted, he works out of our house and doesn't have an office... which doesn't help. But I know he could control himself if he wanted to. When you pick up and pick up and turn around to another pile, you know what... eventually you have to give up! I dislike living amongst piles of papers and stuff, but dang it, there's nothing I can do about it without locking him up! So maybe what you guys need is someone constantly coming behind you and messing up all your cleaning and you'd eventually give up like I did. LOL I do dream of the day I can have a nice clean, orderly home though...

Abundance

FlyLady.net: Your personal online coach to help you gain control of your house and home

"Finally loving yourself" = FLY

I used to be the same way .... and the worst part - is I became resentful...... LOOK at all I am doing - that you are not praising me for or lending a helping hand..... LOOK AT MEEEEEEEE!!!!!

So... I just stopped making myself nuts by being totally anal retentive. Was I doing it for myself or to get praise and accolades from my partner? I recognized really what the truth was.... and I have chilled out. Now, when I clean and tidy and organize..... I do it only for myself. When my guy lived here ... and he had piles and things everywhere..... I just looked past it - didn't bother me - it was HIS mess! So - I know that is one hurdle that I managed to get out of codie recovery!

But ya know Callie??? There are worse things you could be putting your energy towards in the realm of "control"!

My mom is REALLY bad..... no sitting on the bed after it's been made! I used to think it was a British thing! lol

outtolunch

omg.

Callie

I guess one of my BIGGEST problems is that things DO need done and I became so very resentful of H because he was content to be sitting there with his feet propped up in front of the TV. He would eventually get up and help me, but it took some sighs and dirty looks. He's much better about helping now, but before I became so resentful for his lack of help in the past and I still struggle with that.

I was just wondering if my codieness made things worse. I could handle everything prior to the kids, but when H got addicted (I didn't know it @ the time) that seemed to be my 'outlet' of sorts. Go, go, go and now I have a hard time letting things somewhat go and just living life. Like I've got to have my hands so tightly on the reigns that I can somewhat control - if that makes sense.

PurpleWilder

Whenever I start to get overwhelmed with all the housework and 2 little kids, I just try to remember the following two things:

1. As Erma Bombeck once said, "Trying to keep a house clean when there are children still in it is like trying to shovel the walk before it stops snowing"

2. Cleanliness may be next to godliness, but it is also next to impossible.

Anyway, I clean compulsively when I am really, really anxious or really angry about something. For me, a messy house actually means things are probably going sorta OK.

Ann

I became obsessive/compulsive as my codependency grew, and even with a lot of years of recovery I still have my obsessions that are odd but harmless.

I'm a tidy freak too, and notice when things are out of place. I can take "relaxed" like reading a newspaper and setting it on the table...but don't move the table or I freak.

I have a thing about order. Alphabetical order is a big one. I keep my soup cans in alphabetical order. At SR here, where it tells you who is on line...in alphabetical order? Well, there was a time when they wanted to change it to the order of arrival...I freaked. I don't care when anyone got here, I need to find them and do that ALPHABETICALLY.

When I am relaxed I can be spontaneous, but don't mess with my schedules when it comes to work or doing errands in a day. I use lists and if I change the order of anything I lose track of what I need to do.

I think my life was chaos for so long that I feel a need for order of some kind.

And you thought I was sane and had it all together

Hugs

bluebelle

Wow, am I the only codie on here who isn't organized/tidy? I wish I could have gotten a bit of that trait. I have a really hard time organizing things or finding a place to put them away. I have a tendency to spread things out so that I can see them. I seem to meet all the characteristics for ADD. I do throw things out a bit -- that's easier than trying to organize them.

gowest

I'm very messy -- clean, no crumbs on the counter or dishes in the sink -- but messy with papers every where and my clothes on the floor like a teenager. Actually one of my teenagers is much neater than I am, the other just like me.

I also need everything out where I can see it but I think that has to do with being a visual learner more than anything else.