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I met a wonderful recovering addict 3 weeks ago. I had no clue he was a recovering addict and our first date was at a concert that served alcohol. I drank 3 drinks because I was enjoying the music and sometimes like the affect when I dance. I am not an addict. a few days after he told me he was a recovering addict for 3 years now. I said it was fine and that I would continue seeing him. Then after a few more dates he decided he wanted to only date someone that does not drink at all. I am devastated since I know I would not drink if I knew he did not mind it so much. He has elected to try to find a woman that does not drink at all and now I am so hurt. Can someone try to explain this? I am so against drugs and alcohol and here I have someone who is making me feel so bad.
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thanks for your comment , however I really like him soooo much and why could he not see that I would not drink anymore and continue what we startes. I did not tell him I was not interested when he confided about his drug problems and I did not tell him I wanted to find a man that was not in recovery.
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rebec, don't take it personally.
When a person makes the decision to go into recovery, most likely they experienced their 'bottom': a place so repulsive they dont ever want to go back. It may have been something so traumatic that even the slightest risk to their recovery is intolerable.
He's walking a path that's different from yours and while its hurts a little now, just be glad he didn't wait to do this later.
When a person makes the decision to go into recovery, most likely they experienced their 'bottom': a place so repulsive they dont ever want to go back. It may have been something so traumatic that even the slightest risk to their recovery is intolerable.
He's walking a path that's different from yours and while its hurts a little now, just be glad he didn't wait to do this later.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Originally Posted by rebec
I really like him soooo much and why could he not see that I would not drink anymore
Also you might want to ask yourself why are you upset over someone you have only known for 3 weeks....
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Rebec,
I'm sorry, honey. He hurt you and you like him a LOT and I'm not surprised you are deeply disappointed and feeling that you need a second chance because you sincerely would give up any drinking without a second thought. Drinking is obviously not important to you and I'm sure you would. Most people would. Usually only people with a relationship with alcohol balk at giving it up.
It was a concert, people were drinking AS IS THE NORM and with only 3 years of recovery from alcoholism, he chose THAT particular place for recreation? It was a dangerous place, for a recovering addict and he chose to step into it.
I personally think his behavior toward you is dishonest. In my opinion, it is a kind of bait and switch. He goes to have fun at a place where drinking is quite expected, meets a nice girl there who has a few drinks like everyone else, then later cuts her off because she had a few drinks? Like everyone else? If he hoped to meet a non-drinker to date, he was in the wrong place. HE did this, and now you are confused and hurt.
I understand you like him soooooo much. Even wonderful long marriages start with that spark and thrill. It is human nature.
I think his reasons for cutting you off are probably very complicated and involve his recovery not only from alcohol but also from years of inability to be intimate with anyone. Active addicts cannot be intimate.
I just want you to know I'm sorry you had to have this experience. I hope you meet someone soon who likes you just as you are. You deserve that.
I'm sorry, honey. He hurt you and you like him a LOT and I'm not surprised you are deeply disappointed and feeling that you need a second chance because you sincerely would give up any drinking without a second thought. Drinking is obviously not important to you and I'm sure you would. Most people would. Usually only people with a relationship with alcohol balk at giving it up.
It was a concert, people were drinking AS IS THE NORM and with only 3 years of recovery from alcoholism, he chose THAT particular place for recreation? It was a dangerous place, for a recovering addict and he chose to step into it.
I personally think his behavior toward you is dishonest. In my opinion, it is a kind of bait and switch. He goes to have fun at a place where drinking is quite expected, meets a nice girl there who has a few drinks like everyone else, then later cuts her off because she had a few drinks? Like everyone else? If he hoped to meet a non-drinker to date, he was in the wrong place. HE did this, and now you are confused and hurt.
I understand you like him soooooo much. Even wonderful long marriages start with that spark and thrill. It is human nature.
I think his reasons for cutting you off are probably very complicated and involve his recovery not only from alcohol but also from years of inability to be intimate with anyone. Active addicts cannot be intimate.
I just want you to know I'm sorry you had to have this experience. I hope you meet someone soon who likes you just as you are. You deserve that.
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thank you!
Dear Bluejay, That is exactly right. You have brought tears to my eyes and I am so thankful I found this site and heard from someone like yourself who truly understands where I am coming from. God Bless and again I will read this 100 times. Thanks.
Last edited by rebec; 05-27-2009 at 02:16 AM.
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welcome to s.r. i am sorry this guy hurt you. i do not understand why he dropped you instead of talking to you about this. i do understand his recovery has got to come first.
my advise it to move on. do not feel bad about yourself. he just needs to focus on himself & his recovery.
my advise it to move on. do not feel bad about yourself. he just needs to focus on himself & his recovery.
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Thanks, I had just started to cut his hair a month before I asked hin if he wanted to go to this concert. I also saw him on a dating site as well. He never mentioned to me he was a recovering addict. He did mention he had had a brain tumor removed that was cancerous 3 years ago . Never did he mention at his appointments that he was a recovering addict. He called me after our first date asked me if I wanted to go for an evening walk and then is when he told me all about his recovery.To bad he did not ask me if I would not drink when I was with him. I would off not drank if he would have asked me since I do noyt have to drink at all. Especially if I found a partner that was as special as i found him to be. He just does not want to obvouisly believe me or wants to try and see if I am being truthful. He is searching for someone else. I will say he did some very thoughful things with me and I did for him as well. I had asked him when we first started going out,if he was going to continue on the dating site and he said no he would remove himself. It was 2 weeks later that I saw him back on and I then approached him and said why could you not have been honest enough to tell me you were going to be looking again and he said he did not feel we had a commitment and did not remember he was getting off it in the first place. That was a small redflag for me and I guess I felt like what was wrong with me that he had to go look for someone else. It is o.k. today. I have since joined Al-anon and after reading Bluejays6 answer I am on the way to recovering myself from I feel a real let down that I had no idea I would be having to survive. Like every thing and every relationship I had with addicts I do make it. I will make it with this one too. I am grateful for this group and I will continue being here.
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I also agree that he was less than honest in not telling you upfront that drinking in a partner would be a deal breaker for him....
It, does indeed sound like there was more going on with him than this...and he may have just used that as an excuse.
IF he told you he was going to remove himself from the dating site, and then did not...
he is not being dependable, consistent or honest...
It, does indeed sound like there was more going on with him than this...and he may have just used that as an excuse.
IF he told you he was going to remove himself from the dating site, and then did not...
he is not being dependable, consistent or honest...
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He did remove himself from the dating site for about 2 weeks. Then he went back on. I thought the same thing. That he may have used that as an excuse. I was the one that looked to see if he was back on the site. I am glad I did, I must protect my heart. One good thing that came from this is I have found this group and joined Al-anon again. So sometime God provides when we least expect it. Thanks
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Yeah sure he should have told you but he probably was scared that if he told you upfront you wouldnt want to go out with him. "hey i'm a drug addict wanna go on a date" just doesnt attrack a lot of girls. I would say he should have told you after the first date so that you would know and you would have been able to make the decision - that was unfair of him. It sounds like you havent dated someone with this problem before but on the flip side when he did tell you about his problem you should have asked him if it bothers him when you drink around him.
I was in this situation just this weekend. Went out to dinner with an old friend that is 15 years sober. Before we ordered I asked him if he minded if i had a glass of wine - he said it didnt bother him at all but that he really appreciated me asking him. It was just respecting and acknowledging to him that his sobriety was more important than whether or not i had a glass of wine. Some recovering addicts can handle it - some alcoholics can be bartenders - others cant drive by a liquor store without having problems. Everyone is different.
You also need to think about this - you dont have a problem with drinking - do you want to be in a relationship that you cant do the things you want to do? Maybe the two of you just werent meant to be together - maybe he used it as an excuse - maybe not - in the end its best to just let it go.
I was in this situation just this weekend. Went out to dinner with an old friend that is 15 years sober. Before we ordered I asked him if he minded if i had a glass of wine - he said it didnt bother him at all but that he really appreciated me asking him. It was just respecting and acknowledging to him that his sobriety was more important than whether or not i had a glass of wine. Some recovering addicts can handle it - some alcoholics can be bartenders - others cant drive by a liquor store without having problems. Everyone is different.
You also need to think about this - you dont have a problem with drinking - do you want to be in a relationship that you cant do the things you want to do? Maybe the two of you just werent meant to be together - maybe he used it as an excuse - maybe not - in the end its best to just let it go.
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You know, I'm going to put a different spin on this set of circumstances.
I actually see a case where this guy has respected both you and himself, and did the appropriate thing, even though it was painful.
He was NOT in his first year of sobriety, attempting to date you. He is, however, relatively young in his sobriety, and it's possible he has not had much experience dating as a clean and sober person, in his life.
He is not under obligation to blurt out he's an addict in recovery on the first date, IMHO. I think he has a right to keep this to himself for a very short while, until he has had the chance to assess if you as a couple are otherwise possibly compatible, or with longterm potential. (And if he felt so, then at that moment he then needed to put forth these things about himself and let you work this into YOUR decision process about whether YOU now think the two of you are compatible, or with longterm potential.) I believe he told you his honest truth at the earliest moment he felt he should - you were only 3 weeks into getting to know one another. He did tell you, honestly, openly, and soon into the relationship.
He also might not have known that something about you or your drinking or the types of dates you would like would be triggering to him and a threat to his sobriety, until he tried that concert with you. But again, after he realized this, HE DID TELL YOU, honestly, his reaction. And what he feels he needs to do, to protect his sobriety.
He placed his reasoning squarely on his need to protect his sobriety, not on any "flaw" or "failure" in you. He honored you and respected you by being HONEST, and as soon as he knew he had to be honest about this.
He didn't hide his reaction, wait six months, try to twist the both of you into a couple as the stress grew. He had enough respect for his own sobriety to know he needs to attend to that first, or he's toast. He ALSO had enough respect for YOU to tell you as soon as he realized, that it's going to be too hard on his sobriety to date someone like you, at least at this point in his sobriety.
He told you, honestly. He didn't avoid you. He didn't blame you. He didn't try to control your natural self by suggesting YOU change to suit him (i.e., not drink around him, or only go out to places where there is no drinking). Instead, he essentially respected you, by telling you his truth, even though it hurt you. But he probably didn't do it TO HURT YOU, but just because it's his painful truth, being an addict in recovery, who needs to stay sober above all else.
I think what he did hurt, but he didn't do it TO HURT YOU. He did it to RESPECT you, and not hurt you more, later.
And, at a mere 3 weeks in, you should be able to let it go and chalk it off to the "it wasn't a good fit" reasoning. If you are holding on so tightly, it is a reflection of your own processes -- that should be examined. Three weeks is not long enough to even know anyone well enough to have this much trouble separating from them.
IMHO,
CLMI
I actually see a case where this guy has respected both you and himself, and did the appropriate thing, even though it was painful.
He was NOT in his first year of sobriety, attempting to date you. He is, however, relatively young in his sobriety, and it's possible he has not had much experience dating as a clean and sober person, in his life.
He is not under obligation to blurt out he's an addict in recovery on the first date, IMHO. I think he has a right to keep this to himself for a very short while, until he has had the chance to assess if you as a couple are otherwise possibly compatible, or with longterm potential. (And if he felt so, then at that moment he then needed to put forth these things about himself and let you work this into YOUR decision process about whether YOU now think the two of you are compatible, or with longterm potential.) I believe he told you his honest truth at the earliest moment he felt he should - you were only 3 weeks into getting to know one another. He did tell you, honestly, openly, and soon into the relationship.
He also might not have known that something about you or your drinking or the types of dates you would like would be triggering to him and a threat to his sobriety, until he tried that concert with you. But again, after he realized this, HE DID TELL YOU, honestly, his reaction. And what he feels he needs to do, to protect his sobriety.
He placed his reasoning squarely on his need to protect his sobriety, not on any "flaw" or "failure" in you. He honored you and respected you by being HONEST, and as soon as he knew he had to be honest about this.
He didn't hide his reaction, wait six months, try to twist the both of you into a couple as the stress grew. He had enough respect for his own sobriety to know he needs to attend to that first, or he's toast. He ALSO had enough respect for YOU to tell you as soon as he realized, that it's going to be too hard on his sobriety to date someone like you, at least at this point in his sobriety.
He told you, honestly. He didn't avoid you. He didn't blame you. He didn't try to control your natural self by suggesting YOU change to suit him (i.e., not drink around him, or only go out to places where there is no drinking). Instead, he essentially respected you, by telling you his truth, even though it hurt you. But he probably didn't do it TO HURT YOU, but just because it's his painful truth, being an addict in recovery, who needs to stay sober above all else.
I think what he did hurt, but he didn't do it TO HURT YOU. He did it to RESPECT you, and not hurt you more, later.
And, at a mere 3 weeks in, you should be able to let it go and chalk it off to the "it wasn't a good fit" reasoning. If you are holding on so tightly, it is a reflection of your own processes -- that should be examined. Three weeks is not long enough to even know anyone well enough to have this much trouble separating from them.
IMHO,
CLMI
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Thanks for your reply. No he was not honest with me from the beginning. He should have been honest enough with himself to let a woman he is interested in know that he has had a problem with drugs (Not Alcohol) . He went on the first date and seen me order drinks. It is o.k. today though I am understanding all this and yes I have never dated a man that has been in recovery. I have however been with men that were not in recovery and took me on there joy ride with me in the back seat constantly pulling them out of their sanity. It was definetey not fun. However, this man I believed will not go back to his bad habits due to his brain cancer. I will get over this, and there is nothing wrong in my feelings of liking him so much even though it has only been 3 weeks. That is my true feelings and I know I have let go as of today. I am on the road to recovery myself. When you go out with someone sometimes you think there is a connection. I felt this and so did he. He had talked it over with his daughter and she told him that woman that drink moderetly are normal people. He I beleive would perfer someone in recovery and I totally understand today. Hey, you learn something new everyday. Thank God this ite is available. Reas what Bluejay 6 wrote. That was perfectly written. Just for Today
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Well, we were not there, you were, so we're going on the sketch of information we have.
At any rate, it takes two to tango, and he's clearly opted out.
But if you read around here, you'll see the pattern that that "special" connection you felt "early on" with him is actually a red flag.
Relationships that get too tight too quickly are generally enmeshments, not true bonding.
True bonding takes time.
Many, many people here have had that "he's special" experience, only to find out later "he's a typical addict" with great manipulation and lying skills. All that "my one true soulmate" stuff disintegrates as a great facade, as the addiction behaviors or addict characteristics emerge. But we, in our denial, cling to our fairy tale, not wanting to give it up, because we swear it was there, at the beginning... and if only we manage the situation correctly, maybe we could bring it back...
Problem is, it was all an illusion, from the start, fabricated in part by the manipulation of the addict, and also in part due to fairy tale scripts we desperately want to believe can be real for us. We would much rather hope that if we work hard enough, we can get the dream back, than face the reality that it was all a fabrication of our desires and their manipulations, from the start.
The great news is, you have very limited damage, since you were only in it for a few weeks. Some folks sustain much more, over years or decades.
CLMI
At any rate, it takes two to tango, and he's clearly opted out.
But if you read around here, you'll see the pattern that that "special" connection you felt "early on" with him is actually a red flag.
Relationships that get too tight too quickly are generally enmeshments, not true bonding.
True bonding takes time.
Many, many people here have had that "he's special" experience, only to find out later "he's a typical addict" with great manipulation and lying skills. All that "my one true soulmate" stuff disintegrates as a great facade, as the addiction behaviors or addict characteristics emerge. But we, in our denial, cling to our fairy tale, not wanting to give it up, because we swear it was there, at the beginning... and if only we manage the situation correctly, maybe we could bring it back...
Problem is, it was all an illusion, from the start, fabricated in part by the manipulation of the addict, and also in part due to fairy tale scripts we desperately want to believe can be real for us. We would much rather hope that if we work hard enough, we can get the dream back, than face the reality that it was all a fabrication of our desires and their manipulations, from the start.
The great news is, you have very limited damage, since you were only in it for a few weeks. Some folks sustain much more, over years or decades.
CLMI
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O.K. I just want to say that he called me today cause he wanted to tell me something. I was at work and he stopped by to let me know he is going to date a recovering addict he met in Naranon. With that in place I wished him the best and we chit chatted about my al-anon meeting and some other things. He mentioned he felt something very special when he saw me today and he seemed confused about his intimacy with either of us. I am really o.k. with this because I know in my recovery throughout my life my main goal in the world as I see it today is to be as happy as possible, and that I have a choice in creating this for myself or just remain up tight and sad for to long like I use to with my previous addicted relationship. I will say however that this guy was incredible and I truly hope the best for him. Thanks for all the input and would like to recieve more after this post. I am going to another al-anon meeting tonight and I will continue going for as long as I can.
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yes u r right but....
I use to attract alcoholics and drug addicts like honey on a beehive and keep it going until I was so sick and tired I had to be put on medication. In all the years that I have not had a relationship with a person who is addicted 6 years now, I have once again attracted those types. However with all my expierience and knowing that I can not tolerate that anymore I can get out happy and strong and also I have joined Al-anon once again.I have ended so far with 2 men and both are still friends. That is amazing!
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
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At 3 weeks with anyone I have just met not just someone of the opposite sex all I really know about them is what I see and what they say. I have learned that looks can be very deceiving. Most people are not going to expose their flaws to someone they just met.
If I trust someone based on what I have seen and what they tell me early on it is likely I will get hurt. There are lots of toads out there. Good looks and a great body can be very blinding.
I wish I had heeded the red flags with my H. All I could see was his intellect,talent, and looks. I wish I had paid more attention to why he left his family and what he was saying about his ex. He knew all the right moves how to draw me in, how to mirror my values. All my friends and family liked him that should have scared me right there. He snowed everyone and after 6 months I was convinced too.
I think a year is a very good length of time to know someone before getting close to them. In a year you will know so much more about them. If it is too easy to get close to someone, if I feel like I have known them all my life, if I am rushing myself any and all of these are red flags.
Because my family has many issues anytime someone seems too familiar or too amazing I can can be almost 100% certain this person and me are getting ready to go deep into the abyss if I don't distance myself quickly.
After enough bad relationships and going down for the count I have learned that no human being is worth giving up my sanity to be with them. I can gave a stranger a cup of cool water on their journey but I don't have to give them everything I have this is not special it is stupid on my part.
If I trust someone based on what I have seen and what they tell me early on it is likely I will get hurt. There are lots of toads out there. Good looks and a great body can be very blinding.
I wish I had heeded the red flags with my H. All I could see was his intellect,talent, and looks. I wish I had paid more attention to why he left his family and what he was saying about his ex. He knew all the right moves how to draw me in, how to mirror my values. All my friends and family liked him that should have scared me right there. He snowed everyone and after 6 months I was convinced too.
I think a year is a very good length of time to know someone before getting close to them. In a year you will know so much more about them. If it is too easy to get close to someone, if I feel like I have known them all my life, if I am rushing myself any and all of these are red flags.
Because my family has many issues anytime someone seems too familiar or too amazing I can can be almost 100% certain this person and me are getting ready to go deep into the abyss if I don't distance myself quickly.
After enough bad relationships and going down for the count I have learned that no human being is worth giving up my sanity to be with them. I can gave a stranger a cup of cool water on their journey but I don't have to give them everything I have this is not special it is stupid on my part.
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yes you are right and thanks for your input. Thanks to everyone that has responded so far. I feel blessed to have found this group and I believe I am here for a great purpose. I know you said that it could take a year to really know someone. I feel sometimes it could be less than that. The guy I dated for 6 weeks prior to the recovering addict, did not drink to much in the beginning. It appeared to me that he was just a social drinker. Then out of the blue the bottle of scotch came into view. So because I know what it is like to live with an active alcoholic I chose to end it and it was very good for me to finally know what I can handle in my life.His personality was so changed from the scothch. Not Good. Active alcohol or drug use is something I can not live with and I choose to not get involved with men that do either. If for some reason however I would get involved with a recovering addict and they slipped, I believe that as long as I am in a program I would not just break up with him, and that is where I feel I am today. I still think of my recovering addict but I choose to leave him alone and I realize now that I was not the woman for him since he is in program and he knows what he wants. Next time I were to meet a recovering alcoholic or drug addict I will know what I did not know with this one. Maybe if I would of stayed in al-anon I would of known better what to do when ever and if ever I meet someone in the same boat. In the meantime I pledge to myself that I am doing 90 meetings and then I will cut back. As I do not text him or call him for 2 days now since he said he was going to date a girl in recovery, I see now how absolutely paranoid and codependent I was getting and how bad my sleep was lately. I believe if he would have been the right one I would not be expieriencing such sadness. When he called me I would loose all my negative feelings. That sounds a a drug to me. Obviously it was. I am better today though. I have been to 3 meetings so far and tonight I am going to go to 2. I am powerless
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