cassandra2

I am looking for anyone out there who can help me. I do believe this is my rock bottom and i have no where else to turn.....

destructor

just hang in there. Your not dead so thats a bottom you have yet to hit. Theres always another bottom, stay positive, stay sober you can get a better life.

Rad44

Cassandra. What do you need to help you get from where you are at to where you want to be?

imallright

Cassandra.... talk to us. We have all been in a bad way. Reaching out is the only way to go.

cassandra2

I am just an emotional wreck and I am starting to feel that there is more here then just dealing with an addict. The pain has become unbearable. I feel trapped. Its not even about him anymore its about me I am losing myself and I dont know what to do. I thought for awhile that I could just manage this myself but I am sinking. My friends keep saying I am strong I will get through this but they dont understand.

And now I truly feel alone. I am slowly destroying myself

NeedingHelp7

Cassandra, believe me I know how you are feeling right now..... take a deep breaths, pray and keep posting...this too shall pass I promise.

NeedingHelp7

What is happening today? What happened to trigger this?

cassandra2

I dont even know where all of this is coming from. Its like life is just going by and I dont even care anymore. My family has all moved away so I have no family here. I am trying to finish up a semester at school, work, take care of the kids, maintain. And I am no longer maintaining. I am snapping at the kids and just feel out of control. I feel like I am losing a grip here.

I hate my life and what it has become and yet I say that with my three beautiful children here. I can no longer function at this level anymore. I have lost 55 pounds and I am still losing. However, I will say my appetite has returned. I went to one ala non meeting and thought I am cured. Now I am scared to go back.

I keep telling people that I just cant handle this anymore and they smile and pat me on the back and tell me that it will be ok. And I am screaming NO I AM NOT OK. why doesnt anyone believe me.

I dont even know who I am now. I have changed into this mean person,

bluebelle

Cassandra,
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I know what it feels like to feel completely lost. Is there someone you can talk to? Does it help to write in a journal? Are you seeing a counselor or psychiatrist? It may help you if you can find someone that will work with you and who you trust. It is important that you take care of yourself, because you do not need to feel like this. I have a psychiatrist because I work with the talk therapy & some medication help.
Take care.

Serenity Bound

Cassandra, We are here for you. Keep posting.

Sending you prayers & hugs,
Chris

Serenity Bound

Cassandra, Sweetie, we were not meant to handle this disease alone. When I found my way to Alanon & naranon I was very close to having a nervous breakdown. Please try meetings again, f2f hugs and encouragement will really help you.

Chris

cassandra2

I am finally just trying to save myself after trying to save my addict and now I am looking around at the sinking ship going oh crap how do I stop this? The boat is going down....I dont have any idea how to stop it. I didnt even want to reach out for help because I was scared. Now I have no choice and I still dont have any idea how to get out.....For the first time in my life I dont know how to save myself. I dont know how to fix it and make ME better....

Serenity Bound

It took me a long time to be able to reach out for help, after all I was the fixer of all problems, I was in control, then I realized that I could NOT continue going the way I was, I NEEDED to reach out to others. The only thing you can fix is you, take a deep breath, say the Serenity Prayer. Don't be scared, we ARE here for you.

cassandra2

How do I start to dig myself out. I have let so much go. Its like I dont even have the strength to do anything at all so its just easier to not do anything because I am staring at a huge mountain that seems impossible for me to climb so why not just sit here at the bottom and not climb it. Its like I no longer have the strength to save myself emotionally at this point. I have NEVER been in a situation like this before. I have always been able to read a book. Watch a tape. Talk to someone. Find the solution to a problem. Now I am the problem and I dont know what the solution is.

serenityqueen

There are times in just about everyone's lives where every day tasks can seem like just too much to handle. Being a single parent is hard, very hard. Then you're in school, working and trying to deal with your Ex and understanding him and his addiction. It sounds like you have been spending so much time trying to help your Ex that your needs have been put way, way on the back burner. Have you ever had a therapist, counselor, psychologist, anyone you can speak to? If not, perhaps a friend could recommend someone, or if you have insurance, call the insurance company for a referral, or your family doctor.

While we will all be here to continue to help you in any way we can, please look into some f2f support from a professional. You may need some medication to help you out for awhile. . . I'm not talking about any Benzos or anything. I am on Prozac, while I'm not saying that's particularly what you need, but perhaps something in that area.

You're doing the right thing by sharing this and not holding it in, there are a lot of people who care about you here, please remember that.

Hugs & Prayers,
Judy

gowest

ok - step 1 - take yourself off the hook.

I'm not kidding.

I'd say your top priorities are to keep your job and finish out the semester.

How old are your kids?
What are you yelling at them about?
Can you farm them out to sleep at friend's houses?
If they are young let it all slide. Feed them, make sure they are dressed and get to school, and other than that let them watch tv. I'm totally serious. Years ago my soon to be ex-husband had cancer. I basically let it all go.
messy house
weird meals
tv on all the time
one child didn't learn to read until the next year -- oh well


I think you will feel better if you take pressure off yourself.

cassandra2

I was in therapy but felt it was doing no good. Also had some insurance issues and had to abruptly stop the sessions. Went to ala non once thought I was cured. The thing that I dont understand is that I am talking about it letting it out and it just keeps coming and coming out and I dont know why. I dont know why it wont stop. I feel kinda alright for a few days and then bang here I go again. Weekends, I have realized, are the hardest for me. Those are the times when you have enough free time to think about things. I am really starting to hate my life. Even when I was in an abusive marriage I didnt hate my life I had a job that I loved to go to. Now when I wake up I think I have to do it all over again and it sucks.

I have NEVER hated life. Well maybe as a teenager but not really ever HATED living. It has come to that point. I hate living with this person that I have become.

bluejay6

Keep posting, Cassandra.
Have you eaten anything today? Have you been crying? Are your children with you today?

It is exactly at moments like these.....when life takes a turn. It has been called the "sundown effect". A pattern that is going down burns its hardest and brightest just at the end.

This means that for you, the turning point is at hand. And God wants you to HOLD ON AND TRUST HIM.

This is what the saying "don't give up five minutes before the miracle" is about. Because the turning point IS AT HAND if you will hold on, trust God, and be there when it happens.

How are you tonight?

Let the tears flow.

cassandra2

How do you take yourself off the hook?

With my heavy class load I am already slacking with meals (usually pizza or anything in a box). I was thinking about teaching the 6 year old how to work the remote just so I wouldnt have to stop what I was doing to turn the channel for her. My oldest is being punished for getting caught at school with her cell phone.

I really let her have it for that. Told her she was grounded for 2 weeks and I wasnt getting the phone back for her. She told me she was losing friends because she cant ever do anything (I depend on her alot to help me with the two smaller ones when I study and take my exams) that made me feel like crap. I keep telling her its for the good of the family. but I am starting to wonder.

cassandra2

I have eaten some today. I have been crying some today. I have been feeling hopeless alot today. Like this is never ending. I just want my life back. I want to be able to live again but I dont know how. I have isolated myself so much now that I feel scared to go and do things that normally would have been fine before.

I feel really bad that I have let my kids down. I mean after all I am their mom I am suppose to be their example and what kind of example am I setting when I cant even get through the day without crying or yelling or retreating to my room.....