I need to talk...
Optimist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 486
I need to talk...
Hi,
I'm very new to all this, but I don't really feel there's anyone I can talk to about this "in person" so I thought I'd give this forum a try...
My husband & I have been together for 16 years. We have two unbelievably wonderful young daughters. Neither of us has a history of substance abuse, although we did smoke pot in college (who didn't?)
About a month ago I noticed that "M" was taking out money from our bank account while at work, but never seemed to have any cash when he got home. He said he'd been going out to lunch a lot more lately, and I had no reason to doubt him. It seemed to be happening more and more, but I in my ignorance didn't think too much of it, other than to tell him he should brown bag it sometimes to economize! About two weeks ago, I was checking our on-line bank statement and saw that he had taken out $100 a day for a week straight! I asked him about it, and he kind of brushed it off and said "oh it won't happen any more, I've just been kind of careless with my spending lately." But it didn't stop. I confronted him about it two days ago, and he came out and told me that he's been snorting heroin since October!!! I was really freaked out and didn't have any idea how to respond. He has gotten some Subonox (sp?) from a "friend". He has been taking it for almost 2 days now and says he feels good and does not have a desire for the heroin. I am trying my best to remain calm and postive, as I don't think negativity will be helpful right now while he is trying to kick this. I have told him that I am happy he told me and grateful that he has a desire to stop now before anything really bad has happened as a result of this.
But I keep asking myself how could be possible be so stupid as to try this in the first place?!? I realize that at this point it is beyond his control, but it was not at first. No one forced him to try snorting heroin. How could he be so stupid and thoughtless. How could he sit a try snorting heroin knowing he has two sweet little girls waiting for him at home? It makes no sense to me whatsoever. I feel really betrayed and shocked by how little thought he had for our children when he first tryed this. Can anyone help me understand? Thanks for listening to my rant.
I'm very new to all this, but I don't really feel there's anyone I can talk to about this "in person" so I thought I'd give this forum a try...
My husband & I have been together for 16 years. We have two unbelievably wonderful young daughters. Neither of us has a history of substance abuse, although we did smoke pot in college (who didn't?)
About a month ago I noticed that "M" was taking out money from our bank account while at work, but never seemed to have any cash when he got home. He said he'd been going out to lunch a lot more lately, and I had no reason to doubt him. It seemed to be happening more and more, but I in my ignorance didn't think too much of it, other than to tell him he should brown bag it sometimes to economize! About two weeks ago, I was checking our on-line bank statement and saw that he had taken out $100 a day for a week straight! I asked him about it, and he kind of brushed it off and said "oh it won't happen any more, I've just been kind of careless with my spending lately." But it didn't stop. I confronted him about it two days ago, and he came out and told me that he's been snorting heroin since October!!! I was really freaked out and didn't have any idea how to respond. He has gotten some Subonox (sp?) from a "friend". He has been taking it for almost 2 days now and says he feels good and does not have a desire for the heroin. I am trying my best to remain calm and postive, as I don't think negativity will be helpful right now while he is trying to kick this. I have told him that I am happy he told me and grateful that he has a desire to stop now before anything really bad has happened as a result of this.
But I keep asking myself how could be possible be so stupid as to try this in the first place?!? I realize that at this point it is beyond his control, but it was not at first. No one forced him to try snorting heroin. How could he be so stupid and thoughtless. How could he sit a try snorting heroin knowing he has two sweet little girls waiting for him at home? It makes no sense to me whatsoever. I feel really betrayed and shocked by how little thought he had for our children when he first tryed this. Can anyone help me understand? Thanks for listening to my rant.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Welcome to SR Daisy. You'll find lots of info and encouragement here. Read all the sticky posts at the top of the forum and learn all you can about addiction and what you are dealing with.
Others will be along shortly to respond. One thought I had was he is not doing this to you or your kids..... he's just doing it. That's just what addicts do. The pull of the drug is so strong they just don't think of much else.
Also the 3 C's of addiction....
You didn't Cause it
You can't Control it
You can't Cure it
The addict is the one who has to make up his mind for recovery. Learn all you
can about not enabling (doing for others what they should be doing for themselves)
and setting boundaries. I'd also secure your finances if possible, in case he gets the
urge to keep taking out $$. Addiction is progressive, so the $$ amounts taken out
could continue to climb.
Keep posting. We are here to walk this journey with you.
Others will be along shortly to respond. One thought I had was he is not doing this to you or your kids..... he's just doing it. That's just what addicts do. The pull of the drug is so strong they just don't think of much else.
Also the 3 C's of addiction....
You didn't Cause it
You can't Control it
You can't Cure it
The addict is the one who has to make up his mind for recovery. Learn all you
can about not enabling (doing for others what they should be doing for themselves)
and setting boundaries. I'd also secure your finances if possible, in case he gets the
urge to keep taking out $$. Addiction is progressive, so the $$ amounts taken out
could continue to climb.
Keep posting. We are here to walk this journey with you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Daisy...Welcome to SR !!
Oh, my...your post hits close to home.
My ex-addict husband (exah) started snorting heroin about 4 years into our marriage...after we had a beautiful little boy together. I had no clue...except, of course, for the bank withdraws in the amount of at least $100 a day. When he didn't withdraw cash, he always had a story about where his pay check went...he owed a friend some money...his truck broke down...he cashed his check and put the cash on the dashboard and it went flying out of the car as he drove down the road (yes, he actually fed me this line one time and I actually (kind of) believed him!) .. oh the stories he used to tell !!
I remember being completely shocked when I learned where the money had actually gone. My exah had been snorting heroin for about a year before I figured out what the story was.
I remember feeling alot of different emotions. I also remember wondering HOW in the world he could do this to me...to our son...to our marriage which had always (I thought) been so happy.
You've got a long road ahead of you.
Your trust has been shattered by the lies.
This is all pretty fresh right now but as time goes on, you'll probably start to really look back and think about all the times he lied to you to hide his addiction.
My exah went into rehab almost immediately after I found out about his problem (at my insistence). He quickly relapsed upon getting out and went back in again a short while later. Sadlly, he wasn't ready to quit even though he TOLD me he was ready to quit...My exah would say and do whatever he thought might make me happy. He became a better liar...a better manipulator... because once I found out about the drug use, he had to work twice as hard to keep me from knowing about it.
I became very sick emotionally...checking up on him...looking for signs of drug use...I lived my life going back and forth from complete and consuming anger to overwhelming fear and despair.
Maybe your husband is different. Maybe he DOES really want to quit. My exah has been clean for a few years now and he finally manged to do it with suboxone but there is no magic pill or cure for addiction. Unless your husband really wants to stop and stay stopped, he will find a way to use no matter what you say or do to help him.
My advice...protect yourself financially. Open up your own bank account and keep your money and finances seperate from your husband. I wish I had done this instead of being so naive and gullible and believing all of my exah's promises.
The drug use is just part of the problem in your marriage. Your trust has been violated...repeatedly...and the road to recovery is going to take a long time. SR is a great place to learn about all this...this place saved was a true god-send to me when I found myself in a situation very much like yours.
And remember...his drug use is HIS problem to fix. I know its hard not to take it personally but try to remember that he isn't doing this to you or to your daughters...he's doing it to himself and you just happen to be innocent bystanders.
We talk about the three 'c's here. You didn't cause this...you can't cure it...and you can't control it. Your husband will do whatever he wants...and he won't quit until he's good and ready. It doesn't matter how wonderful of a wife you are or how great your children are...This is a very selfish disease and its all about him... You need to be selfish too right now and make decisions to protect yourself as best you can from the fallout of HIS addiction.
Welcome again to SR... I look forward to getting to know you better.
Oh, my...your post hits close to home.
My ex-addict husband (exah) started snorting heroin about 4 years into our marriage...after we had a beautiful little boy together. I had no clue...except, of course, for the bank withdraws in the amount of at least $100 a day. When he didn't withdraw cash, he always had a story about where his pay check went...he owed a friend some money...his truck broke down...he cashed his check and put the cash on the dashboard and it went flying out of the car as he drove down the road (yes, he actually fed me this line one time and I actually (kind of) believed him!) .. oh the stories he used to tell !!
I remember being completely shocked when I learned where the money had actually gone. My exah had been snorting heroin for about a year before I figured out what the story was.
I remember feeling alot of different emotions. I also remember wondering HOW in the world he could do this to me...to our son...to our marriage which had always (I thought) been so happy.
You've got a long road ahead of you.
Your trust has been shattered by the lies.
This is all pretty fresh right now but as time goes on, you'll probably start to really look back and think about all the times he lied to you to hide his addiction.
My exah went into rehab almost immediately after I found out about his problem (at my insistence). He quickly relapsed upon getting out and went back in again a short while later. Sadlly, he wasn't ready to quit even though he TOLD me he was ready to quit...My exah would say and do whatever he thought might make me happy. He became a better liar...a better manipulator... because once I found out about the drug use, he had to work twice as hard to keep me from knowing about it.
I became very sick emotionally...checking up on him...looking for signs of drug use...I lived my life going back and forth from complete and consuming anger to overwhelming fear and despair.
Maybe your husband is different. Maybe he DOES really want to quit. My exah has been clean for a few years now and he finally manged to do it with suboxone but there is no magic pill or cure for addiction. Unless your husband really wants to stop and stay stopped, he will find a way to use no matter what you say or do to help him.
My advice...protect yourself financially. Open up your own bank account and keep your money and finances seperate from your husband. I wish I had done this instead of being so naive and gullible and believing all of my exah's promises.
The drug use is just part of the problem in your marriage. Your trust has been violated...repeatedly...and the road to recovery is going to take a long time. SR is a great place to learn about all this...this place saved was a true god-send to me when I found myself in a situation very much like yours.
And remember...his drug use is HIS problem to fix. I know its hard not to take it personally but try to remember that he isn't doing this to you or to your daughters...he's doing it to himself and you just happen to be innocent bystanders.
We talk about the three 'c's here. You didn't cause this...you can't cure it...and you can't control it. Your husband will do whatever he wants...and he won't quit until he's good and ready. It doesn't matter how wonderful of a wife you are or how great your children are...This is a very selfish disease and its all about him... You need to be selfish too right now and make decisions to protect yourself as best you can from the fallout of HIS addiction.
Welcome again to SR... I look forward to getting to know you better.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
getting suboxene from anyone but a medical professional is nothing more than continued illegal drug abuse. that is NOT recovery. what's gonna happen when that supply runs out?
When I first found out about exah's heroin habit, he told me he was getting some kind of patch from a friend of his that would help him quit. To this day, I'm not sure what was in the patch but it was just another illegal drug...no better than the heroin he was snorting. My exah got on subuxone legitimately with the help of a doctor...but only after about 5 years of major drug use.
Be very skeptical about the illegal subuxone...he's looking for an easy way out and there is no easy way out of addiction. period.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
If you have prescription insurance, suboxone can be prescribed by physicians certified by the DEA and pharmacies carry it. It's a lot cheaper with prescription insurance! If your husband is serious about recovery and wants to go this route, he can do an internet search for "suboxone doctors" in your area.
Please consider Naranon or Alanon meetings. Or even private therapy with an addiction specialist for yourself. Like a lot of family members, I didn't understand why I needed help but I did. Once addiction starts it's a nasty roller coaster for everyone involved. Given your husbands drug of choice (DOC), he has one hell of a battle ahead of him and you will too. His battle will start with admitting he's powerless over the drug and yours is admitting you are powerless over him.
My 21 year old daughter is a recovering drug addict, and her DOC is dilaudid. She was snorting them then went to shooting it. I have a friend who required dilaudid during a hospitalization and he said he could understand how easy it would be to become addicted. It and heroin are very powerful drugs and I've been told by several addicts it's more powerful than an orgasm.
The more you learn about this addiction it's very easy to panic. Next thing you know, you're scared and angry because there's not a damn thing you can do to make your life go back to what it was. That life is gone forever and that's no exaggeration. That is why we all need a very strong support system. Please don't let his addiction take you down.
Please consider Naranon or Alanon meetings. Or even private therapy with an addiction specialist for yourself. Like a lot of family members, I didn't understand why I needed help but I did. Once addiction starts it's a nasty roller coaster for everyone involved. Given your husbands drug of choice (DOC), he has one hell of a battle ahead of him and you will too. His battle will start with admitting he's powerless over the drug and yours is admitting you are powerless over him.
My 21 year old daughter is a recovering drug addict, and her DOC is dilaudid. She was snorting them then went to shooting it. I have a friend who required dilaudid during a hospitalization and he said he could understand how easy it would be to become addicted. It and heroin are very powerful drugs and I've been told by several addicts it's more powerful than an orgasm.
The more you learn about this addiction it's very easy to panic. Next thing you know, you're scared and angry because there's not a damn thing you can do to make your life go back to what it was. That life is gone forever and that's no exaggeration. That is why we all need a very strong support system. Please don't let his addiction take you down.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Daisy, Welcome to Sober Recovery. My ABF is currently in recovery from an addiction to pain pills. This site is a great place to get advice and to share. People here can understand what you're going through. My ABF was on Suboxone, but he was receiving it through a Psychiatrist who specialized in drug addictions. Recovery is about more than just taking Suboxone to substitute for the drug. Drug addiction is very complex, and involves a lot of emotional issues, too. It involves the addict learning another way of dealing with life besides taking drugs. They need to learn how to deal with their emotions in healthy ways. Suboxone can be used--but it needs to be done in a professional setting. The addict also needs counseling. It will be a lot of work for your husband to stop taking heroin. He will have to want to be clean, and then he will have to do the work to stay clean.
One thing to remember is that addicts lie--that's what they do. They become master manipulators. How do you know if the addict is lying? He opens his mouth. I'm telling you this because you need to be careful and protect yourself & your finances.
Take care. I know this is a really difficult time.
One thing to remember is that addicts lie--that's what they do. They become master manipulators. How do you know if the addict is lying? He opens his mouth. I'm telling you this because you need to be careful and protect yourself & your finances.
Take care. I know this is a really difficult time.
Optimist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 486
Thank you to you all for replying. A couple of things complicate matters...I am a stay-at-home Mom, which means, unfortunately, I have no finances to secure. Also, because I do stay home, I have been responsible for most of the mudane aspects of life (apying bills, shopping, cooking, etc.) for about 6 years, and if I don't do them, we will all suffer as a result, not just him. Does that count as enabling?
Also, how big of a heroin habit is $100 a day? I have no idea what that buys, if it's a light, moderate or heavy habit. He says he's getting ripped off a lot trying to distance himself from it (get it from a friend, who gets it from a sister, who knows someone who's got a friend who deals...that kind of thing.)
Why do people start doing this? That's the big thing I can't really understand.
Thank you all again for listening.
Also, how big of a heroin habit is $100 a day? I have no idea what that buys, if it's a light, moderate or heavy habit. He says he's getting ripped off a lot trying to distance himself from it (get it from a friend, who gets it from a sister, who knows someone who's got a friend who deals...that kind of thing.)
Why do people start doing this? That's the big thing I can't really understand.
Thank you all again for listening.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by Daisy09
Why do people start doing this? That's the big thing I can't really understand.
Some addicts have known/unknown pre-existing disorders and self medicate; bipolar, anxiety, schizophrenia, OCD, ADD, brain injuries, etc. Street drugs make them feel better until addiction sets in and takes over.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
I am a stay-at-home Mom, which means, unfortunately, I have no finances to secure. Also, because I do stay home, I have been responsible for most of the mudane aspects of life (apying bills, shopping, cooking, etc.) for about 6 years, and if I don't do them, we will all suffer as a result, not just him. Does that count as enabling?
Also, how big of a heroin habit is $100 a day?
You don't need to figure this stuff out right away...but you need to put together a plan b...so you can provide for your daughters and yourself no matter what you husband might do in the future. Even if he does turn things around, you'll have financial independence and control over your life and thats the best most loving thing you can do for yourself in this situation.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 287
Daisy, sorry to hear about your troubles. My addict is my son whose been dealing with it for 4+ yrs. His DOC is heroin. Thankfully he's in a long-term treatment program right now.
Your husband needs to get into a program, whether it's NA or something else. Others have talked about suboxon, but it's just one drug replacing another, like methadone for heroin (my son's experience).
You need to take care of yourself. find a NarAnon or AlAnon group. Look up social services in your country - sometimes they have money for rehabs that your husband can use.
Stay strong.
Your husband needs to get into a program, whether it's NA or something else. Others have talked about suboxon, but it's just one drug replacing another, like methadone for heroin (my son's experience).
You need to take care of yourself. find a NarAnon or AlAnon group. Look up social services in your country - sometimes they have money for rehabs that your husband can use.
Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 121
Hello Daisy and Welcome to SR --
I am so sorry that All of the info you have received lately is so overwhelming regarding your husband and drug use. I agree with outonalimb - you need a plan. You need a plan for you and your daughters. What your husband does and says is out of your control - yet what you do for you and your family is your choice. You will receive a lot of support and information here and in local Alanon or naranon meetings. Best Wishes
I am so sorry that All of the info you have received lately is so overwhelming regarding your husband and drug use. I agree with outonalimb - you need a plan. You need a plan for you and your daughters. What your husband does and says is out of your control - yet what you do for you and your family is your choice. You will receive a lot of support and information here and in local Alanon or naranon meetings. Best Wishes
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
Hey Daisy.
My dad was heroin addict, I also am a (recovering) addict, however I do not use heroin. I have to admit, when you're an addict, it's pretty easy to be stupid and thoughtless. When it's us and drugs everything else goes black around us, we don't see or hear anything other than the drugs. It's what we want. It's what we feel we "need." In my opinion, we either start doing this out of a way to escape and not deal with things in life, or we just end up becoming addicts because we decided it would be fun to experiment. I have tried to come to terms with my dad's drug abuse having nothing to do with me or my sister, or my mom. It's hard to detach sometimes but for my own sanity I need to realize these things.
As for your girls, do they know he abuses drugs? Are they old enough to understand at least a little of it? As a "kid" myself (I'm 17), I think it's VERY important that they know. I did not know anything when I was younger, I was told that my "daddy is sick" and that he was going away for a few weeks everytime he really went to rehab to get better. I had no clue it was about drugs and that really comes back later.. It's tough to know your parent is an addict but it becomes easier to detach when you know what's going on and you can figure out how to deal with it. If you leave your kids in the dark about this, it's gonna be a very bumpy road for you all. Secrets and hiding things won't help. If you do tell them, let them know that they're loved by their father and you and that it has nothing to do with them... It's just a sickness like any other, it progresses if you don't get help for it quickly. Please take care of yourself and your girls before you take care of him.
Take care and good luck,
Jay
My dad was heroin addict, I also am a (recovering) addict, however I do not use heroin. I have to admit, when you're an addict, it's pretty easy to be stupid and thoughtless. When it's us and drugs everything else goes black around us, we don't see or hear anything other than the drugs. It's what we want. It's what we feel we "need." In my opinion, we either start doing this out of a way to escape and not deal with things in life, or we just end up becoming addicts because we decided it would be fun to experiment. I have tried to come to terms with my dad's drug abuse having nothing to do with me or my sister, or my mom. It's hard to detach sometimes but for my own sanity I need to realize these things.
As for your girls, do they know he abuses drugs? Are they old enough to understand at least a little of it? As a "kid" myself (I'm 17), I think it's VERY important that they know. I did not know anything when I was younger, I was told that my "daddy is sick" and that he was going away for a few weeks everytime he really went to rehab to get better. I had no clue it was about drugs and that really comes back later.. It's tough to know your parent is an addict but it becomes easier to detach when you know what's going on and you can figure out how to deal with it. If you leave your kids in the dark about this, it's gonna be a very bumpy road for you all. Secrets and hiding things won't help. If you do tell them, let them know that they're loved by their father and you and that it has nothing to do with them... It's just a sickness like any other, it progresses if you don't get help for it quickly. Please take care of yourself and your girls before you take care of him.
Take care and good luck,
Jay
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by Daisy09
Thank you to you all for replying. A couple of things complicate matters...I am a stay-at-home Mom, which means, unfortunately, I have no finances to secure. Also, because I do stay home, I have been responsible for most of the mudane aspects of life (apying bills, shopping, cooking, etc.) for about 6 years, and if I don't do them, we will all suffer as a result, not just him. Does that count as enabling?
Also, how big of a heroin habit is $100 a day? I have no idea what that buys, if it's a light, moderate or heavy habit. He says he's getting ripped off a lot trying to distance himself from it (get it from a friend, who gets it from a sister, who knows someone who's got a friend who deals...that kind of thing.)
Why do people start doing this? That's the big thing I can't really understand.
Thank you all again for listening.
Also, how big of a heroin habit is $100 a day? I have no idea what that buys, if it's a light, moderate or heavy habit. He says he's getting ripped off a lot trying to distance himself from it (get it from a friend, who gets it from a sister, who knows someone who's got a friend who deals...that kind of thing.)
Why do people start doing this? That's the big thing I can't really understand.
Thank you all again for listening.
Welcome to SR....
One piece of advice, try not to minimize whether he is doing 'alot' or 'a little' bit of heroin....
He is a heroin addict. God forbid he shoots up the stuff, with someone while high, and dosent think correctly (because he's high) and contracts a disease..... and gives it to you. Guess it wouldn't much matter then if it were 'alot or 'a little.
Be very careful, for the sake of your health hon.
Also, my abf's doc is pain pills, however, his friends daughter is a heroin addict... the last trip to cali to go to rehab cost her daddy 38,000!! This is x #3!!!
It's a very long road. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Love,
Cess
Optimist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 486
I appreciate everyone taking time to respond to my post, and I also appreciate the concern and sympathy from everyone. However, I need to say (and I'm sure I'm going to rain holy hell down on myself for saying it) doesn't anyone have anything encouraging to say? I mean, the hyper negative doom and "this is the end of your life as you know it" messages are not exactly what I needed to hear. Isn't there anyone on this board who can say ANYTHING encouraging or hopeful? I wasn't going to mention it at all, but I think the worst part of this all so far has been these posts really bringing me down. Sorry to say so, but it's how I feel.
I'm sure this will bring a flood of "You're fooling yourself/you're in denial/he'll be a loser lying manipulating junkie giving you STDs and stealing from his family in no time at all" messages, but if it brings ONE person to say something positive, I'll know it was worthwhile.
The Suboxone, by the way, is working very well so far (1 week today), so despite all the negativity I am feeling encouraged.
I'm sure this will bring a flood of "You're fooling yourself/you're in denial/he'll be a loser lying manipulating junkie giving you STDs and stealing from his family in no time at all" messages, but if it brings ONE person to say something positive, I'll know it was worthwhile.
The Suboxone, by the way, is working very well so far (1 week today), so despite all the negativity I am feeling encouraged.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Daisy,
I understand that the feedback wasn't quite what you were looking for or hoping for when you posted. I know this is a difficult time for you and I would hate to think that anything I said made it more difficult for you. The whole point of this forum is to share our experience and all I can do is tell you some of the things I learned after going thru a situation VERY similar to yours. You are always free to take some, all or none of the support and advice offered to you. Everyone's situation is different...we can only share what we have learned from ours.
Your husband may be the exception to the rule that relapses are common to the world of addiction. Maybe your husband will do as you hope and stay clean and you can all go back to the life you lived before addiction entered your life. I know this is what I hoped and prayed for when I found myself in a situation like yours. I didn't want to hear people tell me that I needed to protect myself...I didn't want to hear what I perceived to be negative comments...because I felt the ONLY option I had was to stay where I was and hope for a postitive outcome. I lived like this for about a year before I realized that other people saw the situation more clearly than I did...and by the time I figure this out, my son and I were in dire straights due to the financial implications of his repeated relapses. My spirit was broken because of all of the lies. When I encourage you to make a plan for yourself so that you will be okay no matter what he decides to do, I offer this encouragement because the stakes for your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your children are so high. It can't hurt to make changes that will make you financially secure no matter what your husband does today, next week, or five years from now but making these changes would require you to give up a lifestyle you have grown accustomed to. Change is never easy..
I'm glad to hear your husband is doing well on the subuxone. Although you perceive alot of gloom and doom on this board, we celebrate true recovery stories whenever we can. I hope your husband's is one of them. I really do.
I understand that the feedback wasn't quite what you were looking for or hoping for when you posted. I know this is a difficult time for you and I would hate to think that anything I said made it more difficult for you. The whole point of this forum is to share our experience and all I can do is tell you some of the things I learned after going thru a situation VERY similar to yours. You are always free to take some, all or none of the support and advice offered to you. Everyone's situation is different...we can only share what we have learned from ours.
Your husband may be the exception to the rule that relapses are common to the world of addiction. Maybe your husband will do as you hope and stay clean and you can all go back to the life you lived before addiction entered your life. I know this is what I hoped and prayed for when I found myself in a situation like yours. I didn't want to hear people tell me that I needed to protect myself...I didn't want to hear what I perceived to be negative comments...because I felt the ONLY option I had was to stay where I was and hope for a postitive outcome. I lived like this for about a year before I realized that other people saw the situation more clearly than I did...and by the time I figure this out, my son and I were in dire straights due to the financial implications of his repeated relapses. My spirit was broken because of all of the lies. When I encourage you to make a plan for yourself so that you will be okay no matter what he decides to do, I offer this encouragement because the stakes for your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your children are so high. It can't hurt to make changes that will make you financially secure no matter what your husband does today, next week, or five years from now but making these changes would require you to give up a lifestyle you have grown accustomed to. Change is never easy..
I'm glad to hear your husband is doing well on the subuxone. Although you perceive alot of gloom and doom on this board, we celebrate true recovery stories whenever we can. I hope your husband's is one of them. I really do.
Optimist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 486
I appreciate your post, and your well-wishes for my husbands recovery, but I find myself getting pretty offended by implications from many that I would neglect the well-being of my children for the sake of a "lifestyle I have grown accustomed to." I am not some sad lonely little woman sitting at home withering - I am well educated, string willed, and completely capable of supporting myself and my children if I needed to, and I find myself taking offense at the assumption that I am unable to see things as they really are. Just because I have chosen to try to remain postive rather than assuming the worst possible future does not mean I am blind or unprepared.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Wow. Daisy... I'm a great mom...and I'm well-educated... I have a demanding career which I had the entire time my husband was using heroin. I dont' know why you would think that I was implying that you are uneducated or a bad mom. Dealing with addiction is your marriage is so hard...especially when you have children. I STAYED with my exah because of my son...I thought I needed to hold our family together for HIS sake. I wan't a withering woman...far from it...I just didn't know what I was dealing with. That didn't make me stupid...or neglectful...or anyting else you might think I implied. You just don't know alot about addiction and why would you? I didn't. And I learned alot of lessons the hard way. Sometimes, I think I can help others avoid the pain I went thru...and sometimes it was nice to know that others understood what I was dealing with. I'm not sure what you are looking for...if you just want some one to tell you good luck...well...good luck. If you want to hear honest perspectives from people who have gone thru this, thats a different thing all together. Whatever you decide you want, I really hope things work out well for you.
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