The journey continues.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 6
The journey continues.....
What can I say? Hmm.... I have been pining for my ex since he left for jail. First he tells me he never loved me, that he is in love with his ex-wife (the one he told me was abusive), but said he wants to be my friend. OK?! I guess, I needed answers to help me through the pain. But I get more confusion. What do I mean?
First he tells me we both deceived each other when we first met. I admitted to acting a little "slutty" as I was highly attracted to him, but I don't think I did anything out of bounds. But later in the conversation he tells me he never really knew that I loved him. He thought it was just a physical act. He thought I just wanted him for sex. WHAT?!!! Yeah, I admit to liking it, but if chasing him down in the evening, at midnight, at 2 and 3 am looking for him, if letting him run over me and disappear with my car like a dumb ass, buying him clothes, a trumpet (because he played), giving him money, washing his clothes and cooking his dinner, many cell phones that he "lost", accepting collect calls in jail, hiring a damn attorney and putting myself in debt to $4000 doesn't show I love him, then WHAT would? I need clarity and sanity, that's why I vent on this board.
Just two weeks before his parents and ex-wife came into the picture, he told me he wanted to work toward getting married. Wow.....Crack, I never understand.....
First he tells me we both deceived each other when we first met. I admitted to acting a little "slutty" as I was highly attracted to him, but I don't think I did anything out of bounds. But later in the conversation he tells me he never really knew that I loved him. He thought it was just a physical act. He thought I just wanted him for sex. WHAT?!!! Yeah, I admit to liking it, but if chasing him down in the evening, at midnight, at 2 and 3 am looking for him, if letting him run over me and disappear with my car like a dumb ass, buying him clothes, a trumpet (because he played), giving him money, washing his clothes and cooking his dinner, many cell phones that he "lost", accepting collect calls in jail, hiring a damn attorney and putting myself in debt to $4000 doesn't show I love him, then WHAT would? I need clarity and sanity, that's why I vent on this board.
Just two weeks before his parents and ex-wife came into the picture, he told me he wanted to work toward getting married. Wow.....Crack, I never understand.....
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
...if chasing him down in the evening, at midnight, at 2 and 3 am looking for him, if letting him run over me and disappear with my car like a dumb ass, buying him clothes, a trumpet (because he played), giving him money, washing his clothes and cooking his dinner, many cell phones that he "lost", accepting collect calls in jail, hiring a damn attorney and putting myself in debt to $4000 doesn't show I love him, then WHAT would?
How do I know this? Because these are all codependent actions I took with my son.
This codependent obsession will make you as sick as he is if you let it. A healthy loving relationship is when two people each bring some goodness of themselves to share with the other and is never hurtful, deceitful or dishonest.
For many of us here, meetings have helped us regain our balance and reclaim our lives. If you haven't been to any live meetings, maybe now would be a good time to give them a try.
Hugs
learning to live for me
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: East Coast, US
Posts: 215
redstar,
codependency can be a b*tch! I know, because I'm one of the finest.
But I heard a quote from my aunt that has helped me. "The more you bend over, the more you show your @$$."
When we go out of our comfort zone and hurt ourselves trying to "help" others, its doing nothing but setting us up to be resentful and keeping our addicts from hitting bottom. Its not a good combo, as you are feeling right now.
I would highly reccommend any book by Melody Beattie, but especially "CoDependent No More" and "Beyond Codependency and Getting Better All the time."
They will give you exercises to help figure out why you feel the way you do...and how to move beyond it and towards the happiness that such a giving and loving person like you deserves. She explains the importance of boundaries...and from a personal standpoint let me tell you, setting up boundaries around myself has been the greatest gift I've given myself. It has given me more happiness and feelings of security and sanity in the past few months than I have felt in years. It makes me feel safe and it allows me to love in a way that I won't be angry or feel misunderstood later.
We can't control the other person. We can't help that the men we love so dearly are addicted to crack.
But, the beauty of it all is that we can control ourselves and our reactions.
And...if we do miss him, we allow ourselves to feel it (not stuff it down inside) but we acknowledge that we must accept him for who he is NOW. Not what he could be. Or who he "was".
And who he is NOW is someone that is sick and not capable of love. Not capable of a healthy relationship.
When you begin to love and respect yourself, others will sense it and follow suit.
Including him.
And if he doesn't?
Look what you can gain! A whole new lease on life.
I wish you the best. Please keep us updated on your path.
Love,
Holly
codependency can be a b*tch! I know, because I'm one of the finest.
But I heard a quote from my aunt that has helped me. "The more you bend over, the more you show your @$$."When we go out of our comfort zone and hurt ourselves trying to "help" others, its doing nothing but setting us up to be resentful and keeping our addicts from hitting bottom. Its not a good combo, as you are feeling right now.
I would highly reccommend any book by Melody Beattie, but especially "CoDependent No More" and "Beyond Codependency and Getting Better All the time."
They will give you exercises to help figure out why you feel the way you do...and how to move beyond it and towards the happiness that such a giving and loving person like you deserves. She explains the importance of boundaries...and from a personal standpoint let me tell you, setting up boundaries around myself has been the greatest gift I've given myself. It has given me more happiness and feelings of security and sanity in the past few months than I have felt in years. It makes me feel safe and it allows me to love in a way that I won't be angry or feel misunderstood later.
We can't control the other person. We can't help that the men we love so dearly are addicted to crack.
But, the beauty of it all is that we can control ourselves and our reactions.
And...if we do miss him, we allow ourselves to feel it (not stuff it down inside) but we acknowledge that we must accept him for who he is NOW. Not what he could be. Or who he "was".
And who he is NOW is someone that is sick and not capable of love. Not capable of a healthy relationship.
When you begin to love and respect yourself, others will sense it and follow suit.
Including him.
And if he doesn't?
Look what you can gain! A whole new lease on life.
I wish you the best. Please keep us updated on your path.
Love,
Holly
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
(((redstar)))
There is not a word in your post that indicates he is taking any responsibility, for anything that has occurred.
Yet, he sits in jail.
How do you feel about all the things you did "out of love". Did it make you feel loved? Did it make you feel secure in your relationship? Did it make you feel good about yourself?
Chances are the answer is no. This is a very good time to work on your future, a future that provides self love and respect.
Hang in ...we all walk together here.
(((Hugs)))
There is not a word in your post that indicates he is taking any responsibility, for anything that has occurred.
Yet, he sits in jail.
How do you feel about all the things you did "out of love". Did it make you feel loved? Did it make you feel secure in your relationship? Did it make you feel good about yourself?
Chances are the answer is no. This is a very good time to work on your future, a future that provides self love and respect.
Hang in ...we all walk together here.
(((Hugs)))
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