Time for my big girl pants!
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I stated in another thread that my AH and I work together. He did call me yesterday to see if I wanted to work today.... and thinking about current obligations I said "sure... I need to work". So he came home this morning around 9:30, eyes bulging, took a bath and said "well there's a game on at 2:30... do you just want to take the day off and hit it tomorrow?" I thought (Aaha... hello mr. disease) So I calmly stated "well when you called me yesterday you knew the game was going to be on today right? He said yeah... but, I'm really tired and just thought that if you wanted to take the day off. I said "no, I think we should do what we planned to do." He said "o.k." I calmly stated that I wanted him to be sure that he realized he wasn't staying here anymore... he said well I paid the bills (hmmm... remember we work together) I said some of the bills have been paid, and we still have obligations, but that's not the point. You chose this. When you got out of the car I clearly stated that if you left you couldn't come back home UNLESS you got help.
I said that I'd be happy to take him where ever he wanted to go... but he couldn't stay here. He asked me if I thought we should see a Marital Counselor. I almost cried and laughed at the same time... I begged him two months ago to do this and he didn't want to waste the money. I have to admit in my heart that this was very painful to hear this today. Because I believe it was a gesture to appease me and "get back in" and not to actually get better and I really, really, really wanted it a few months back. So I said to him "Do you really think a Marriage Counselor would solve our problem?"
So I took him to his brothers house. On the way he asked me if I wanted a divorce. I said you made the choice...I love you and I can't live like this anymore. So not sure what will happen now. My heart aches for him and it would be so e-a-s-y to let him back in... but I know that would only interfere with his consequence and would not be healthy for me.
Geez this is hard. I hate this disease
I said that I'd be happy to take him where ever he wanted to go... but he couldn't stay here. He asked me if I thought we should see a Marital Counselor. I almost cried and laughed at the same time... I begged him two months ago to do this and he didn't want to waste the money. I have to admit in my heart that this was very painful to hear this today. Because I believe it was a gesture to appease me and "get back in" and not to actually get better and I really, really, really wanted it a few months back. So I said to him "Do you really think a Marriage Counselor would solve our problem?"
So I took him to his brothers house. On the way he asked me if I wanted a divorce. I said you made the choice...I love you and I can't live like this anymore. So not sure what will happen now. My heart aches for him and it would be so e-a-s-y to let him back in... but I know that would only interfere with his consequence and would not be healthy for me.
Geez this is hard. I hate this disease
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You did good, sweetie. Yes, this IS hard, but he's just doing all this because he doesn't like the consequences. Take it from me..a recovering addict.
Keep moving forward with your plans. If he's sincere about recovery, it will show in his actions. Forget about what he SAID today...what did you SEE? I don't see one thing that showed recovery, do you?
He's quacking, sweetie. Picture the AFLAC duck when he starts talking. Go by his actions...that's the one thing you can count on.
FWIW, I hate this disease, too. I'm recovering and watching my stepmom slip further into addiction...it's not easy on EITHER side, but at least I made the choice for recovery. And just to let you know...a huge part of that choice was because I got sick and tired of all the darned consequences
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Keep moving forward with your plans. If he's sincere about recovery, it will show in his actions. Forget about what he SAID today...what did you SEE? I don't see one thing that showed recovery, do you?
He's quacking, sweetie. Picture the AFLAC duck when he starts talking. Go by his actions...that's the one thing you can count on.
FWIW, I hate this disease, too. I'm recovering and watching my stepmom slip further into addiction...it's not easy on EITHER side, but at least I made the choice for recovery. And just to let you know...a huge part of that choice was because I got sick and tired of all the darned consequences
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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He asked me if I thought we should see a Marital Counselor. I almost cried and laughed at the same time... I begged him two months ago to do this and he didn't want to waste the money.
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*Impurrfect* Indeed it's Quack, Quack, Quack and I'm thankful that I could recognize that. He did say today that he didn't want to hurt me and it was a wonderful moment to share with him (what I learned last night) I said to him "I can see you believe you don't want to hurt me, but what you've been doing shows you really want to continue, the fact that your needs are more important to you than behaving decently toward me and that has hurt me very much. He just looked at me... no response!
*NeedingHelp7* I figured that the Marriage Counselor would suggest recovery treatment... so I was REALLY tempted, but I didn't want to get in the way of consequence. I did begin to say to him that if he ever got serious about recovery.... and he stopped me and said... no it's over.
I'm praying that I have made the right decision. I feel that I have. My heart breaks knowing what could have been and what really IS.
*NeedingHelp7* I figured that the Marriage Counselor would suggest recovery treatment... so I was REALLY tempted, but I didn't want to get in the way of consequence. I did begin to say to him that if he ever got serious about recovery.... and he stopped me and said... no it's over.
I'm praying that I have made the right decision. I feel that I have. My heart breaks knowing what could have been and what really IS.
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He called me to let me know that this was difficult on him and that we probably shouldn't work together anymore. He said "you're probably already over me, but it's gonna take a while for me to get over you"... I said "that's not true... I'll always love you... we did the best we could... you chose what you wanted to do and you left me no other choice."
He went on to say that the AA people I'm hanging with is probably where I'll find my next boyfriend because that's all I want out of life... and there will be no one else that could love me more than him.
I know this is noise... it is still painful tho... He made that decision.... a decision based on his actions... not on his words... really!! WTF does he expect me to do?
He went on to say that the AA people I'm hanging with is probably where I'll find my next boyfriend because that's all I want out of life... and there will be no one else that could love me more than him.
I know this is noise... it is still painful tho... He made that decision.... a decision based on his actions... not on his words... really!! WTF does he expect me to do?
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(((hugs)))
Sometimes I think they can't help themselves, they just are so used to manipulating and getting their way they just have to keep doing it. My XAH did this to me for months, and even now that it's over, we're divorced, I'm living on my own - he's waiting for me to be the person I used to be to him. It used to spin my head and hurt my heart so much, even tho I knew there was no other choice for me.
Time, give yourself time and maybe a bubble bath or something that will feel good!
(((hugs)))
Sometimes I think they can't help themselves, they just are so used to manipulating and getting their way they just have to keep doing it. My XAH did this to me for months, and even now that it's over, we're divorced, I'm living on my own - he's waiting for me to be the person I used to be to him. It used to spin my head and hurt my heart so much, even tho I knew there was no other choice for me.
Time, give yourself time and maybe a bubble bath or something that will feel good!
(((hugs)))
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*I am NOT a shining example *
I have chosen to give our marriage another chance. There I said it. I understand that this is a slippery slope and I have read so many stories here about "one more chance"... I am sharing this with you today to acknowledge your previous support and in the face of enlightenment I admit that this may not be the wisest choice...
I have taken new measures to protect myself. The truck will be in my name only. Opening a new bank account so I control the business funds, etc. and set "deal breakers" into place. I have not heard any recovery words or seen any recovery actions. I do pray that with the marriage counseling that perhaps will springboard into that area.... perhaps that is wishful thinking....and perhaps to be an unfulfilled expectation. I realize that I have no control over him and I can only control what I do... I understand that I have probably taken away his lesson...and consequence. I do say that this is as close as we've ever been to losing our marriage and he realized that for the first time.
My best friend of 30 years (been in AA for 10 years) hung up on me yesterday when I shared this with her. I understand that is her right and perhaps her boundary with me... she wasn't sponsoring me, but has been helpful with this situation...
I do expect a thump on the head from a few of you... and that's o.k. and I'll take them... as I have learned so much here. I have the greatest respect for each of you and have taken to heart the stories here...
I love each of you and thank you
for your time AND support. 
I have chosen to give our marriage another chance. There I said it. I understand that this is a slippery slope and I have read so many stories here about "one more chance"... I am sharing this with you today to acknowledge your previous support and in the face of enlightenment I admit that this may not be the wisest choice...
I have taken new measures to protect myself. The truck will be in my name only. Opening a new bank account so I control the business funds, etc. and set "deal breakers" into place. I have not heard any recovery words or seen any recovery actions. I do pray that with the marriage counseling that perhaps will springboard into that area.... perhaps that is wishful thinking....and perhaps to be an unfulfilled expectation. I realize that I have no control over him and I can only control what I do... I understand that I have probably taken away his lesson...and consequence. I do say that this is as close as we've ever been to losing our marriage and he realized that for the first time.
My best friend of 30 years (been in AA for 10 years) hung up on me yesterday when I shared this with her. I understand that is her right and perhaps her boundary with me... she wasn't sponsoring me, but has been helpful with this situation...
I do expect a thump on the head from a few of you... and that's o.k. and I'll take them... as I have learned so much here. I have the greatest respect for each of you and have taken to heart the stories here...
I love each of you and thank you
for your time AND support. Member
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Originally Posted by anvilhead 
just keep both eyes wide open babe.......boundaries up.....you have to do what your own heart and mind think is best, for you. probably not a bad idea to maybe hit some alanon meetings, help you keep your center. we're here for ya...
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Originally Posted by Hammerhead
I caught my AH making a pill deal today... he didn't know I heard him... he said "don't let my wife know about this... she'll raise hell". .... I told him this was unacceptable behavior and that I would not tolerate this kind of business. period.
.... I looked at his phone and sure enough... earlier in the day he had contacted the skanky ho's he used to party with... I busted him on that too. He said "I can have friends too"... I said "yeah, you can... just not the ones who call in the middle of the night and want to screw you"... end of that subject!
I drove home amidst serenity and complete peace.... thanks to you guys.
.... I looked at his phone and sure enough... earlier in the day he had contacted the skanky ho's he used to party with... I busted him on that too. He said "I can have friends too"... I said "yeah, you can... just not the ones who call in the middle of the night and want to screw you"... end of that subject!
I drove home amidst serenity and complete peace.... thanks to you guys.
Hugs and prayers, HG
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Hammer, since you've said you want an ending like Anvils' I want to point out one difference in yours' and Anvils' stories: Her husband wanted and worked for his recovery. He put it first and they did whatever it took. You "don't see any recovery word...or recovery action" with your husband. How can he recover, then?
Sometimes I worry that people like Anvil, Judy, Impurrfect, and maybe even me, because we are doing well in our respective recoveries from addiction, bring false expectations to the codie forums. Maybe I'm taking a liberty in speaking for them, but just remember, everyone, we double whammy addict-codies here in this forum with you are not the norm for addicts. Your mileage may vary!!!
In fact it will vary, probably. We are in the 5% that made it out and stayed out. All those who didn't make it are not usually posting on the codie forum. In fact, most addicts are too self-absorbed to qualify as codies (trust me, being a codie isn't a badge of honor for me, I'm suffering with it, just as you non-addicts are). Maybe some of us need to take regular field trips, as I do, up to the Substance and Newcomer Forums and just read. Read all the new entries entitled "New here and clean for one day, or 48 hours, or one week, or Just out of Rehab, welcome me!" Then just keep coming back to their threads and keep track of the percentage who stop posting, or post-and-relapse, post-and-relapse, post-and-relapse.
Heck, there are some up there that got so sick of themselves post-and-relapsing, that they invented new names and said they're new all over again. They get caught every now and then because the lies catch them out and their writing styles are too similar.
I'm just saying...don't take me too seriously. I was desperate, and so was Anvil, to do whatever it took to recover. If he isn't there yet, let him bottom out before he comes back into your life and messes with it again...JMO.
Love,
KJ
Sometimes I worry that people like Anvil, Judy, Impurrfect, and maybe even me, because we are doing well in our respective recoveries from addiction, bring false expectations to the codie forums. Maybe I'm taking a liberty in speaking for them, but just remember, everyone, we double whammy addict-codies here in this forum with you are not the norm for addicts. Your mileage may vary!!!
In fact it will vary, probably. We are in the 5% that made it out and stayed out. All those who didn't make it are not usually posting on the codie forum. In fact, most addicts are too self-absorbed to qualify as codies (trust me, being a codie isn't a badge of honor for me, I'm suffering with it, just as you non-addicts are). Maybe some of us need to take regular field trips, as I do, up to the Substance and Newcomer Forums and just read. Read all the new entries entitled "New here and clean for one day, or 48 hours, or one week, or Just out of Rehab, welcome me!" Then just keep coming back to their threads and keep track of the percentage who stop posting, or post-and-relapse, post-and-relapse, post-and-relapse.
Heck, there are some up there that got so sick of themselves post-and-relapsing, that they invented new names and said they're new all over again. They get caught every now and then because the lies catch them out and their writing styles are too similar.
I'm just saying...don't take me too seriously. I was desperate, and so was Anvil, to do whatever it took to recover. If he isn't there yet, let him bottom out before he comes back into your life and messes with it again...JMO.
Love,
KJ
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kj3880 - I appreciate your honesty and sincerity. I AM in over my head... this is new for me. I have made MY boundaries very clear.... what I need and what I can live with. I realize that I have no control over him...or his choices... he seemed sincere, acknowledged and understood each of them... that's not to say he won't blow everything away.... heck he might even dance on them... but it's one day at a time. He understood that we have "one more chance" and if it doesn't work now... it never will.
I see the odds are against me. I'll keep praying, reading, learning and going to meetings.... and if it's meant to be it will work... if not, I'll know in my heart of hearts that I did everything I could (in God's eyes) to remain true to the vow of marriage. If he chooses to trash the last chance... well there's nothing I can do but invest in kleenex... and get on with my life...is there?
Thanks again. Appreciate your thoughts.
I see the odds are against me. I'll keep praying, reading, learning and going to meetings.... and if it's meant to be it will work... if not, I'll know in my heart of hearts that I did everything I could (in God's eyes) to remain true to the vow of marriage. If he chooses to trash the last chance... well there's nothing I can do but invest in kleenex... and get on with my life...is there?
Thanks again. Appreciate your thoughts.
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(((HH)))
I'm not sure any of us got the boundaries thing down pat on the first try. I've adjusted mine with my son on many occasions.
I now ask myself " what is healthy for ME?"
And sometimes boundaries need to be stated, then enforced. I felt that way with my son. How could I bring the hammer down without warning, even if I was justified in doing so?
To me, that was part of my recovery...acting on solid thoughts, not knee-jerk anger. I needed to be able to tell myself I was NOT throwing him out, he was CHOOSING not to live under my roof.
BTW...your recovery shines
I'm not sure any of us got the boundaries thing down pat on the first try. I've adjusted mine with my son on many occasions.
I now ask myself " what is healthy for ME?"
And sometimes boundaries need to be stated, then enforced. I felt that way with my son. How could I bring the hammer down without warning, even if I was justified in doing so?
To me, that was part of my recovery...acting on solid thoughts, not knee-jerk anger. I needed to be able to tell myself I was NOT throwing him out, he was CHOOSING not to live under my roof.
BTW...your recovery shines
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