New Here- I know hes using again!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Queens, NY
Posts: 3
New Here- I know hes using again!
Good Evening Everyone,
I'll try to keep this not as long and drawn out as it can be...I'll work with timeslines.
July 2001 - We meet for the first time.. no idea he has a drug addiction, never knew one.
December 2001- Enlists in the Navy ( I find out later that it was an ultimatum from his mom.. Navy or the streets.. because of his addiction to Heroin)
March 2002- Graduates Boot Camp and starts schooling military style - visit him a few times, he seems perfectly normal to me)
June 2002 - Visit him in VA - still seems ok .. greally great guy
July 2002- Another visit , this time he comes back to NY .. we had a date planned, but he never called me - find out months later it was because he had OD'd in his moms basement and was rushed to the hospital)
Aug-Oct 2002 - A few visits here & there, all sems ok - Octoer, he asks me to marry him.. I'm in love, I say yes.
Dec 31 2002 - We get married
Jan 4, 2003 - Honeymoon over , His Ship is sent to Iraq all of a sudden.. will be gone for 6 months
July 2003 - Welcome home trip to Virginia ( I still live at home with my parents) 1 week in VA. 1 Week in NY.. He seems a little distant, but hey, he just came back from War.. I'll give him that- still unaware of any drug addiction that may have been present
November 2003- Gets kicked out of the Millitary - Found passed out in his car in VA with Heroin and drug paraphinalia. Arrested , released, must pay fines! Comes home to NY and tells family he got kicked out because the Navy found out he didnt really have a HS Diploma- I start to get suspecious- start searching for things, paying closer attention. Find needles and drugs hidden all over the place.
November 2003- He enters a clinical trial for Suboxone - All seems ok
March 2004- We have our big wedding - priest, white gown , limo, whole kit & kaboodle
July 2004- Clinical trial for suboxone is over - Can't find a DR to prescribe more, but he says hes ok
August 2004- Honey moon to Dominican Republic - Day after we get back, he take my car goes out on a binge - totals my car - Almost arrested- I move out until he checks into a detox program- Insurance feels he only needs 5 days inpatient to detox.. then sends him to a methadone maintenance program, that they don't cover- we pay out of pocket for years. Every now and then I suspect he is still using herion, but i can't get him to talk to me. Eventually, no more suspecions, just chained to methadone.
February 2007- My daughter is born- find out he went out and got high while I was in labor at the hospital ( months after the fact) He promises to be off of methadone by the time the baby is one...
February 2008 - Still on methadone, baby is now one.. he can't keep a job, finances are really tight.. keeps getting fired, but its never due to any fault of his own... I suspect herion usage again .. find more needles and drugs everytime I look for it. He tells me I'm too nosey and I need to stop looking for stuff.
October 2008- I'm fed up, he needs to get out- Finds a Methadone detox facility which he will have to live in for 4-6 months covered by medicaide.. he begins the program and seems to be doing well.
February 2009 - He leaves the program after 1 month of being off of methadone... calls me to pick him up one day out of the blue, hes done with the program. I go get him and he explains he now will start out patient treatment and relapse prevention as well as attend NA meetings.
March 2009 - I buy at home opiate pee tests.. he hasn't passed once since hes gotten home.. he claims that hes taken some pills every now and then. He was never a pill popper, and upon further inquiry to the test manufactuer, this test will only pick up on pure opiates such as herion, morphine and or poppy seeds. He has befriended another recovered addict during NA meetings, and is now working for this guy ..I find a needle and an empty dope bag in his pants pocket.. he can't deny using, so he told me it wouldn't happen again, He attends meeting sometimes... or so thats where he says hes going .. let him take the car to one last week, less than 1 mile away .. checked car miles before he left .. over 30 miles on the car when he gets home.. claims he needed to drive around and clear his head. His pupils looked like pin heads...
I feel defeated... am I over reacting, or should I take our daughter and run.. please let me know what i should do.. some advice, anything at all. He tells me I'm not trying hard enough and I need to be a bigger part of his recovery, more understanding that he may relapse, and then help him get back on his feel and support his recovery.. attend his NA meeting that are open .. Is it selfish of me that I don't want to?
Anything.. at all? Thanks
StillLost09
I'll try to keep this not as long and drawn out as it can be...I'll work with timeslines.
July 2001 - We meet for the first time.. no idea he has a drug addiction, never knew one.
December 2001- Enlists in the Navy ( I find out later that it was an ultimatum from his mom.. Navy or the streets.. because of his addiction to Heroin)
March 2002- Graduates Boot Camp and starts schooling military style - visit him a few times, he seems perfectly normal to me)
June 2002 - Visit him in VA - still seems ok .. greally great guy
July 2002- Another visit , this time he comes back to NY .. we had a date planned, but he never called me - find out months later it was because he had OD'd in his moms basement and was rushed to the hospital)
Aug-Oct 2002 - A few visits here & there, all sems ok - Octoer, he asks me to marry him.. I'm in love, I say yes.
Dec 31 2002 - We get married
Jan 4, 2003 - Honeymoon over , His Ship is sent to Iraq all of a sudden.. will be gone for 6 months
July 2003 - Welcome home trip to Virginia ( I still live at home with my parents) 1 week in VA. 1 Week in NY.. He seems a little distant, but hey, he just came back from War.. I'll give him that- still unaware of any drug addiction that may have been present
November 2003- Gets kicked out of the Millitary - Found passed out in his car in VA with Heroin and drug paraphinalia. Arrested , released, must pay fines! Comes home to NY and tells family he got kicked out because the Navy found out he didnt really have a HS Diploma- I start to get suspecious- start searching for things, paying closer attention. Find needles and drugs hidden all over the place.
November 2003- He enters a clinical trial for Suboxone - All seems ok
March 2004- We have our big wedding - priest, white gown , limo, whole kit & kaboodle
July 2004- Clinical trial for suboxone is over - Can't find a DR to prescribe more, but he says hes ok
August 2004- Honey moon to Dominican Republic - Day after we get back, he take my car goes out on a binge - totals my car - Almost arrested- I move out until he checks into a detox program- Insurance feels he only needs 5 days inpatient to detox.. then sends him to a methadone maintenance program, that they don't cover- we pay out of pocket for years. Every now and then I suspect he is still using herion, but i can't get him to talk to me. Eventually, no more suspecions, just chained to methadone.
February 2007- My daughter is born- find out he went out and got high while I was in labor at the hospital ( months after the fact) He promises to be off of methadone by the time the baby is one...
February 2008 - Still on methadone, baby is now one.. he can't keep a job, finances are really tight.. keeps getting fired, but its never due to any fault of his own... I suspect herion usage again .. find more needles and drugs everytime I look for it. He tells me I'm too nosey and I need to stop looking for stuff.
October 2008- I'm fed up, he needs to get out- Finds a Methadone detox facility which he will have to live in for 4-6 months covered by medicaide.. he begins the program and seems to be doing well.
February 2009 - He leaves the program after 1 month of being off of methadone... calls me to pick him up one day out of the blue, hes done with the program. I go get him and he explains he now will start out patient treatment and relapse prevention as well as attend NA meetings.
March 2009 - I buy at home opiate pee tests.. he hasn't passed once since hes gotten home.. he claims that hes taken some pills every now and then. He was never a pill popper, and upon further inquiry to the test manufactuer, this test will only pick up on pure opiates such as herion, morphine and or poppy seeds. He has befriended another recovered addict during NA meetings, and is now working for this guy ..I find a needle and an empty dope bag in his pants pocket.. he can't deny using, so he told me it wouldn't happen again, He attends meeting sometimes... or so thats where he says hes going .. let him take the car to one last week, less than 1 mile away .. checked car miles before he left .. over 30 miles on the car when he gets home.. claims he needed to drive around and clear his head. His pupils looked like pin heads...
I feel defeated... am I over reacting, or should I take our daughter and run.. please let me know what i should do.. some advice, anything at all. He tells me I'm not trying hard enough and I need to be a bigger part of his recovery, more understanding that he may relapse, and then help him get back on his feel and support his recovery.. attend his NA meeting that are open .. Is it selfish of me that I don't want to?
Anything.. at all? Thanks
StillLost09
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
Hi Still Lost -- I'm glad that you found SR -- I hope you find the insight and the support as helpful as I have.
I'm fairly new to this as well (recovery for my illness -- codependency), although I have been living with substance abuse my whole life. I have been with my husband since I was 16 (I'm 43) and we have been separated since the middle of December, although he just moved out 3 weeks ago.
I lived like you for many many years. My husband was/is a binger -- he will go a few weeks without nothing (to my knowledge) and then disappear for days at a time. He also has a BIG problem with alcohol (dui's, waking up in the drunk tank, etc.). He has gone through thousands of dollars using cocaine. He has always held a job (same place for the majority of our relationship). We have two teenaged daughters. I just found out that he already has a girlfriend.
I have spent years pleading, begging, cleaning up after him, "supporting" him, cleaning up financial messes, crying, bargaining -- you name it. At one time, he admitted he had a problem (he was facing losing his job, his licence, his family). I thought this was his rock bottom -- but I was wrong. It was short lived.
So why am I telling you this long sorted story? You have been with this man for going on 9 years now. I found the longer I "enabled" him (because that was what I was doing), the more the disease progressed. Until I stood back and let him suffer his own consequences, nothing changed. And nothing still has, to my knowledge, because he doesn't have a problem doncha know? But I no longer get a first row seat to the destruction and the hurt. I discovered the longer I stayed and lived this life, the more I lost myself to it and the harder it was to get out. But now all the energy I have spent trying to control him, has been redirected to the only one I can control -- myself.
The "stickies" at the top of the page are very helpful -- I liked "let me fall" and "what addicts do" the best -- they hit home for me.
The trick with it all is to take the focus off of him and put it on to you -- what do you want for yourself in this life? How do you want to live? Do you want to be doing this for another year, five, 10, 20?
You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. You are simply not that powerful. I still believe that my husband loves us -- it had nothing to do with loving us -- it had everything to do with it being a disease that he refuses to treat. And without treatment, it will progress like any other disease.
Have you ever gone to Alanon? Many people here swear by it and there are meetings everywhere -- people who know what you are going through and can help. Coming to this site is very helpful as well. I love the book Codependent No More by Melody
Beatty.
Put the focus on you -- take care of you and your child. He is an adult who is going to have to learn to take care of himself. You can not love him well or MAKE him quit -- he has to do that on his own.
Here for you,
Laurie
I'm fairly new to this as well (recovery for my illness -- codependency), although I have been living with substance abuse my whole life. I have been with my husband since I was 16 (I'm 43) and we have been separated since the middle of December, although he just moved out 3 weeks ago.
I lived like you for many many years. My husband was/is a binger -- he will go a few weeks without nothing (to my knowledge) and then disappear for days at a time. He also has a BIG problem with alcohol (dui's, waking up in the drunk tank, etc.). He has gone through thousands of dollars using cocaine. He has always held a job (same place for the majority of our relationship). We have two teenaged daughters. I just found out that he already has a girlfriend.
I have spent years pleading, begging, cleaning up after him, "supporting" him, cleaning up financial messes, crying, bargaining -- you name it. At one time, he admitted he had a problem (he was facing losing his job, his licence, his family). I thought this was his rock bottom -- but I was wrong. It was short lived.
So why am I telling you this long sorted story? You have been with this man for going on 9 years now. I found the longer I "enabled" him (because that was what I was doing), the more the disease progressed. Until I stood back and let him suffer his own consequences, nothing changed. And nothing still has, to my knowledge, because he doesn't have a problem doncha know? But I no longer get a first row seat to the destruction and the hurt. I discovered the longer I stayed and lived this life, the more I lost myself to it and the harder it was to get out. But now all the energy I have spent trying to control him, has been redirected to the only one I can control -- myself.
The "stickies" at the top of the page are very helpful -- I liked "let me fall" and "what addicts do" the best -- they hit home for me.
The trick with it all is to take the focus off of him and put it on to you -- what do you want for yourself in this life? How do you want to live? Do you want to be doing this for another year, five, 10, 20?
You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. You are simply not that powerful. I still believe that my husband loves us -- it had nothing to do with loving us -- it had everything to do with it being a disease that he refuses to treat. And without treatment, it will progress like any other disease.
Have you ever gone to Alanon? Many people here swear by it and there are meetings everywhere -- people who know what you are going through and can help. Coming to this site is very helpful as well. I love the book Codependent No More by Melody
Beatty.
Put the focus on you -- take care of you and your child. He is an adult who is going to have to learn to take care of himself. You can not love him well or MAKE him quit -- he has to do that on his own.
Here for you,
Laurie
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
No, it's not selfish of you if you don't want to.
He would like you to think it's selfish, but that's how addicts work.
I spent five years with my EXAH thinking if I loved him enough, was pretty enough, was patient enough, was kind enough, blah blah blah that he would change.
That didn't happen.
He was buried two years ago, complications from AIDS which he contracted while sharing needles with someone.
What do you want for your life, and your daughter's life?
For me, I was terrified of being alone, and so I kept hanging in there, no matter how bad it got.
Today I have no significant other, I am enrolled in college full-time and will finally get my degree after raising two daughters as a single parent.
I am reasonably happy, the blessings in my life are abundant, and there is no chaos, confusion, and pain of active addiction in my home.
I hope you continue to post here, and welcome to SR.
He would like you to think it's selfish, but that's how addicts work.
I spent five years with my EXAH thinking if I loved him enough, was pretty enough, was patient enough, was kind enough, blah blah blah that he would change.
That didn't happen.
He was buried two years ago, complications from AIDS which he contracted while sharing needles with someone.
What do you want for your life, and your daughter's life?
For me, I was terrified of being alone, and so I kept hanging in there, no matter how bad it got.
Today I have no significant other, I am enrolled in college full-time and will finally get my degree after raising two daughters as a single parent.
I am reasonably happy, the blessings in my life are abundant, and there is no chaos, confusion, and pain of active addiction in my home.
I hope you continue to post here, and welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: eastern Wyoming
Posts: 65
Welcome to SR. I hope you find the same experience, strength and hope here that I have.
I agree that it may be helpful for you to focus on yourself instead of your AH. Oddly, that can be a bit uncomfortable. Looking at why we really choose to live the way we do/did. But it is a journey that is full of blessings and well worth it.
I agree that it may be helpful for you to focus on yourself instead of your AH. Oddly, that can be a bit uncomfortable. Looking at why we really choose to live the way we do/did. But it is a journey that is full of blessings and well worth it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Welcome! I also hope you will take the time to read up on codependency (especially any titles by Melody Beattie, like Codependent No More) and on-line stickies and articles you can google. Get the focus back on you and your daughter. See, you are going to have to recover too. From your addiction to him. The first step is admitting that you have a problem, and it sounds to me like you are doing that, so congratulations!
You sound like a smart, resourceful, down-to-earth woman. That'll help a lot. You haven't wasted your time making a bunch of excuses for him. That'll help even more. I feel like you are at your limit and desperate to break out of this situation. That'll get you all the way there, the "gift of desperation" that brings us to the point of change!
Let us all know when you are ready to plan your escape. Some of us are pros at that. For now, if you haven't yet decided to leave, at least start squirrelling away as much money as you can in secret bank account. Make sure any statements go to another address or post office box, because that's how I got caught doing it. I had asked the bank for a paperless account, but they sent a thank-you note to my home, thanking me for opening a new account. (Thanks a lot bankamerica, you put my life in danger that night a few years ago!) So give another address in case they do that. Maybe your folks house. You have to put the money in a bank, or he will find it if he's any kind of heroin addict at all. Start telling him the electric bills are higher and your salary got cut, or whatever you can.
Also memorize the address of somewhere safe you can go after business hours in case things get out of hand. This seems to happen in the middle of the night with addicts, when dealers owed money come knocking, or they get all paranoid.
Get as much stuff in your own name as you can, like a car, your home, whatever you can.
Document any notable addict behavior such as spending money on drugs, ranting, destruction of property, in a passworded document and e-mail it to yourself, or do it on the SR blog, so you can get to it if your computer is gone. This can help in a divorce or custody hearing, where they want dates, times, monetary amounts, etc. It gets hard to remember details.
Start going to alanon if you can. Great place to get help. And keep coming back here, too!
Love,
KJ
You sound like a smart, resourceful, down-to-earth woman. That'll help a lot. You haven't wasted your time making a bunch of excuses for him. That'll help even more. I feel like you are at your limit and desperate to break out of this situation. That'll get you all the way there, the "gift of desperation" that brings us to the point of change!
Let us all know when you are ready to plan your escape. Some of us are pros at that. For now, if you haven't yet decided to leave, at least start squirrelling away as much money as you can in secret bank account. Make sure any statements go to another address or post office box, because that's how I got caught doing it. I had asked the bank for a paperless account, but they sent a thank-you note to my home, thanking me for opening a new account. (Thanks a lot bankamerica, you put my life in danger that night a few years ago!) So give another address in case they do that. Maybe your folks house. You have to put the money in a bank, or he will find it if he's any kind of heroin addict at all. Start telling him the electric bills are higher and your salary got cut, or whatever you can.
Also memorize the address of somewhere safe you can go after business hours in case things get out of hand. This seems to happen in the middle of the night with addicts, when dealers owed money come knocking, or they get all paranoid.
Get as much stuff in your own name as you can, like a car, your home, whatever you can.
Document any notable addict behavior such as spending money on drugs, ranting, destruction of property, in a passworded document and e-mail it to yourself, or do it on the SR blog, so you can get to it if your computer is gone. This can help in a divorce or custody hearing, where they want dates, times, monetary amounts, etc. It gets hard to remember details.
Start going to alanon if you can. Great place to get help. And keep coming back here, too!
Love,
KJ
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. you have made the first step toward your recovery. i am sorry you are going thru this. this site is a wonderful place for support for you. keep coming back. his recovery is his recovery & yours is yours. read the stickys at the top of the forum. find a meeting for you. it is your choice if you stay or leave. prayers for you & your husband.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Queens, NY
Posts: 3
Thank you all for the warm welcome and your kind words. I will be gooing out to look for the book 2 of you have mentioned ....I will keep you all updated, and hopefully if you don't mind, I will be here to vent and really just give myself time to breathe. I did find a Nar-Anon meeting not 4 blocks from my home, I will try to attend it this coming Thursday.. not sure how thats going to go.. am I expected to talk without having a nervous breakdown right then and there/ Its a beginners meeting, so maybe they know what to expect. I'll be in touch soon. Thank you all again!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Jersey
Posts: 229
We are here all the time... just post and you will receive!
Glad you found SR, sorry for the reasons that brought you here...
Seems that troughout the relationship, your AH has done nothing but lie and manipulate to continue his drug use.
Please continue to ask questions and read... The book mentioned is great.
Hope you find some peace.
Glad you found SR, sorry for the reasons that brought you here...
Seems that troughout the relationship, your AH has done nothing but lie and manipulate to continue his drug use.
Please continue to ask questions and read... The book mentioned is great.
Hope you find some peace.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by StillLost09 
Thank you all for the warm welcome and your kind words. I will be gooing out to look for the book 2 of you have mentioned ....I will keep you all updated, and hopefully if you don't mind, I will be here to vent and really just give myself time to breathe. I did find a Nar-Anon meeting not 4 blocks from my home, I will try to attend it this coming Thursday.. not sure how thats going to go.. am I expected to talk without having a nervous breakdown right then and there/ Its a beginners meeting, so maybe they know what to expect. I'll be in touch soon. Thank you all again!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
I feel defeated... am I over reacting, or should I take our daughter and run.. please let me know what i should do.. some advice, anything at all. He tells me I'm not trying hard enough and I need to be a bigger part of his recovery, more understanding that he may relapse, and then help him get back on his feel and support his recovery.. attend his NA meeting that are open .. Is it selfish of me that I don't want to?
AH would look at me with the puppy dog sad eyes, trying to make me feel guilty. Something was wrong, I wasn't being supportive of his poor disease any longer. I wasn't running after him every time there was a catastrophie. I was getting stronger and would say to him, "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I certainly can't cure it." This would shut him up every time.
NH7
Last edited by NeedingHelp7; 03-15-2009 at 07:42 AM.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: West Palm Beach, Fl
Posts: 142
still lost 09
I noticed in your story (as in mine and every other family member of an addict), that upon hearng about your life with your AH, almost all of your (our) sentences start out with "he claims, he says, he tells......". Through my own experience of being married to an addict and now having a son who is an addict, never believe what comes out of their mouths. Actions speak louder than words. I will pass on to you some words of wisdom passed on to me by "Mooselips"..... let go or be dragged. I have terminated my relationship with my son, whom I love with all my heart and miss him everyday, terribly. He has become toxic to me and sucked me dry emotionally, financially, physically and psychologically. It was killing me to watch him self-destruct. You have to put yourself and your children first. Your well-being must be first and formost in order to take care of your children. Good luck and may God bless.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
yes. walk away from an active heroin addict. you have a child and that child is not here on this earth to live with a father who is shooting heroin. the reality is that he has never lived a life of "recovery" and he is not taking serious steps to get clean, stay clean, and clean up all the damage he's done. the recovering addicts here will tell you what recovery looks like.
he keeps you hooked by saying you "don't support his recovery." it is he who is not supporting his recovery. not you.
i believe in physical separation from any active addict, from any addict in the first year of recovery, and from any relapsed addict in the first year of returning to recovery. this is because i believe an addict cannot deal with his addiction and his mental and emotional disintegration and simultaneously work on a relationship. my feeling is the addict needs to take one area of damage at a time. first, he has to confront himself, by himself and with the help of other recovering addicts. later, much later, he can then confront the relationship.
if you can live elsewhere, my advice is to do so. and let go and let God decide what is next for your addict. take the long view, go to meetings, and don't expect any solutions involving your marriage for several months.
if you work on your spiritual life in a 12-step program, you will be helped to deal with your fears. you will learn to trust a Higher Power, and you will be able to breathe again, and to find the joy with your child that is surely missing in life with a junky.
he can find recovery if he wants it.
wishing you the very best.
he keeps you hooked by saying you "don't support his recovery." it is he who is not supporting his recovery. not you.
i believe in physical separation from any active addict, from any addict in the first year of recovery, and from any relapsed addict in the first year of returning to recovery. this is because i believe an addict cannot deal with his addiction and his mental and emotional disintegration and simultaneously work on a relationship. my feeling is the addict needs to take one area of damage at a time. first, he has to confront himself, by himself and with the help of other recovering addicts. later, much later, he can then confront the relationship.
if you can live elsewhere, my advice is to do so. and let go and let God decide what is next for your addict. take the long view, go to meetings, and don't expect any solutions involving your marriage for several months.
if you work on your spiritual life in a 12-step program, you will be helped to deal with your fears. you will learn to trust a Higher Power, and you will be able to breathe again, and to find the joy with your child that is surely missing in life with a junky.
he can find recovery if he wants it.
wishing you the very best.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
What Bluejay said is so true.
As a recovering addict I can show you what recovery looks like:
I'm going to meetings almost every day though it's been almost a year since active addiction.
I'm talking to my sponsor daily and taking her suggestions.
I'm reaching out to newcomers in NA and I've built a network that I contact all week.
I work steps. That means I work steps by reading, writing, and by living them.
I pray to a higher power and build a relationship with Him. I turn my life and my will over to Him.
People talk about a glow they can see in my eyes that I never had before, a life, a fire, a passion for recovery.
I make amends when I'm wrong. I apologize, do what I can to make it better, and move on.
I take care of my responsibilities, my child, my pet, my home, my career, my health.
I face problems as they occur head on and work in the solution, not in the self-pity.
I give back to the recovery community. I help start and support new NA meetings. I give rides to other addicts, my phone number to newcomers, and I have several service positions within NA.
I share openly with my network and meetings. I have feelings, I feel feelings, I work through feelings. I'm not a robot.
Do I do any of these things perfectly? No. I'm only in my first year of recovery!
But am I getting better every day at working it? Yes!
If you have to ask if an addict in your life is working a 12-step program, then he/she isn't. It shows all over our life when we work it! And it's beautiful to see!
Love,
KJ
As a recovering addict I can show you what recovery looks like:
I'm going to meetings almost every day though it's been almost a year since active addiction.
I'm talking to my sponsor daily and taking her suggestions.
I'm reaching out to newcomers in NA and I've built a network that I contact all week.
I work steps. That means I work steps by reading, writing, and by living them.
I pray to a higher power and build a relationship with Him. I turn my life and my will over to Him.
People talk about a glow they can see in my eyes that I never had before, a life, a fire, a passion for recovery.
I make amends when I'm wrong. I apologize, do what I can to make it better, and move on.
I take care of my responsibilities, my child, my pet, my home, my career, my health.
I face problems as they occur head on and work in the solution, not in the self-pity.
I give back to the recovery community. I help start and support new NA meetings. I give rides to other addicts, my phone number to newcomers, and I have several service positions within NA.
I share openly with my network and meetings. I have feelings, I feel feelings, I work through feelings. I'm not a robot.
Do I do any of these things perfectly? No. I'm only in my first year of recovery!
But am I getting better every day at working it? Yes!
If you have to ask if an addict in your life is working a 12-step program, then he/she isn't. It shows all over our life when we work it! And it's beautiful to see!
Love,
KJ
"Taking the risk to blossom"
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: a little piece of heaven! Ontario Canada
Posts: 245
i believe in physical separation from any active addict, from any addict in the first year of recovery, and from any relapsed addict in the first year of returning to recovery. this is because i believe an addict cannot deal with his addiction and his mental and emotional disintegration and simultaneously work on a relationship. my feeling is the addict needs to take one area of damage at a time. first, he has to confront himself, by himself and with the help of other recovering addicts. later, much later, he can then confront the relationship.
I face problems as they occur head on and work in the solution, not in the self-pity.
thank you bluejay and kj -- I really needed to hear this today
I face problems as they occur head on and work in the solution, not in the self-pity.
thank you bluejay and kj -- I really needed to hear this today
Queen of the O2 People!
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NC
Posts: 23
StillLost,
've only been invovled with my ABF for almost 4 years, I can not imagine dealing with all the sh*t that goes along with his active addiction for 9 years. Your story almost exactly mirrors mine with my ABF (drug wise - except his isn't heroin, it's pills and crack) So i totally understand where you're coming from.
IMO - I think you should take your daughter and go stay with your parents if you can. I'm so glad I have my parents here to support me. I'm really learning that physically separating myself from him is the only thing that is going to help me, and hopefully him as well.
Put you and your kid first!
've only been invovled with my ABF for almost 4 years, I can not imagine dealing with all the sh*t that goes along with his active addiction for 9 years. Your story almost exactly mirrors mine with my ABF (drug wise - except his isn't heroin, it's pills and crack) So i totally understand where you're coming from.
IMO - I think you should take your daughter and go stay with your parents if you can. I'm so glad I have my parents here to support me. I'm really learning that physically separating myself from him is the only thing that is going to help me, and hopefully him as well.
Put you and your kid first!
Searching for Serenity
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 128
you're not being selfish, because it doesn't sound to me like he's really going to his meetings. gone further than he should be, for longer than he should be, and can't pass a drug test, and still acting like a drug user....? it just doesn't sound like much of a "recovery" to me.
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