Help me Dettach!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 321
Help me Dettach!
I need to incorporate some healthy steps to help my carry out my plan to dettach from this crazy mofo. Right now, I've set up day care and before and after care for our children so he won't have to be responsible for picking them up and dropping them off. So ideally he won't even need to have the car during the day. Let's see how it goes when I tell him that he can't use the car during the day anymore. (World War III) Also, we're in the middle of moving. I really need him to move the rest of the things out of the house and into the new one. Has he done it yet? NO. And I know what you're thinking. I should eh? But I can't. I have a painful hernia that I can't seem to have time to get taken out and it keeps me from lifting heavy things.
Anyway, what steps did you guys take to dettach? How did your addicts/alcoholics in your life take it? Tips on staying strong?
Anyway, what steps did you guys take to dettach? How did your addicts/alcoholics in your life take it? Tips on staying strong?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My detachment was leaving...permanently. I could not live with the insanity of active alcoholism/addiction in my home.
The effects that lifestyle had on my oldest daughter, now 31 and an active addict/alcoholic herself were profound.
I think when there are no children involved and someone wants to work on staying with an active alcoholic/addict, more power to them.
However I have very strong feelings when there are children involved because they have no way to 'detach' or express their emotions.
You might want to dig deep and ask yourself if this is the life you want for your children growing up.
The effects that lifestyle had on my oldest daughter, now 31 and an active addict/alcoholic herself were profound.
I think when there are no children involved and someone wants to work on staying with an active alcoholic/addict, more power to them.
However I have very strong feelings when there are children involved because they have no way to 'detach' or express their emotions.
You might want to dig deep and ask yourself if this is the life you want for your children growing up.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
my detachment was more emotional then task oriented.
As for the moving, if it were me, and I had things I cared for and wanted i would find a friend to move them - dont count on him. anything left that is his would be left in the house for someone to dump on the street. When my husband left me and I had to move our family he wouldnt help me with anything so i got a dumpster. I told him if he wanted anything he had to come get it - everything else was thrown in the dumpster. The majority of his possesions are now in a landfill becuase he didnt bother to come get them. (sorry all you environmentalists!!!!)
To come up with your boundaries i would suggest first writing down the things you cannot tolerate and that you feel are destructive in your life and the life of your kids. (its bad for the kids to see dad high) Then you turn those into boundaries. (no drug use around kids or in our home). Then you make consequences for those boundaries that you really feel you can enforce and live with. (If you do drugs around kids or our home then this will happen _____)
As for the moving, if it were me, and I had things I cared for and wanted i would find a friend to move them - dont count on him. anything left that is his would be left in the house for someone to dump on the street. When my husband left me and I had to move our family he wouldnt help me with anything so i got a dumpster. I told him if he wanted anything he had to come get it - everything else was thrown in the dumpster. The majority of his possesions are now in a landfill becuase he didnt bother to come get them. (sorry all you environmentalists!!!!)
To come up with your boundaries i would suggest first writing down the things you cannot tolerate and that you feel are destructive in your life and the life of your kids. (its bad for the kids to see dad high) Then you turn those into boundaries. (no drug use around kids or in our home). Then you make consequences for those boundaries that you really feel you can enforce and live with. (If you do drugs around kids or our home then this will happen _____)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Then if it's not something you want your kids to grow up with, you need to decide what your next step is.
You're not going to change what he's doing.
You do have the power to start making healthier choices for you and those children.
Do you attend Alanon? I found Alanon tremendously helpful in helping me heal not only from my EXAH's addictions/alcoholism, but also from my daughter's.
Alanon helped me to start focusing on me and what I could do.
You're not going to change what he's doing.
You do have the power to start making healthier choices for you and those children.
Do you attend Alanon? I found Alanon tremendously helpful in helping me heal not only from my EXAH's addictions/alcoholism, but also from my daughter's.
Alanon helped me to start focusing on me and what I could do.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Can you ask someone else to help you move? Relying on an addict for help is like leaning on a matchstick man.
And when you are relying on someone to help you, that's kind of opposite of detaching. Detaching means no expectations.
Keep us posted on how things go. I feel your pain sister. I believe you are almost at the end of your rope. That's a good thing. Now all you need to do is let go... You'll be fine. You are doing it all alone already.
And when you are relying on someone to help you, that's kind of opposite of detaching. Detaching means no expectations.
Keep us posted on how things go. I feel your pain sister. I believe you are almost at the end of your rope. That's a good thing. Now all you need to do is let go... You'll be fine. You are doing it all alone already.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: delta,bc, canada
Posts: 83
Towards the end mine went on a six day binge with his girlfriend after I told him that he could no longer drive under my insurance. When he got back everything other than what he had in the storage unit was outside in the back of the truck.
He left, stole the truck and drove it without insurance, leaving me in debt for that truck, and liable for damages if he had been in an accident.
I am planning to move also. I need to start over in my own place, with no memories of him. My problem is that he has smashed doors, has broken light switches, and put holes in the walls (when apparently I was bothering him). This will cost me everything I have in the bank to leave. But I will leave despite of the obstacles. If I have to sell everything I own, so be it.
You detach with love, you detach with anger, you detach feeling anything that you feel this minute as long as you detach. Addicts find people who are strong, who they can rely on, it's money in the bank for them. I remind myself everyday that I have these qualities, equally along with the imperfection of being an enabler, a Mom. I am working on that one.
It really doesn't matter how they take anything! If they are sober they take it one way, if they are stoned they take it another way. In the end if someone is not there for them serving their every whim and need, you eventually become the enemy anyway. So who cares, why bother! Active addicts are photo copies of one another, all the same, no difference, and at some point we have to be done with it. Life is to short.
He left, stole the truck and drove it without insurance, leaving me in debt for that truck, and liable for damages if he had been in an accident.
I am planning to move also. I need to start over in my own place, with no memories of him. My problem is that he has smashed doors, has broken light switches, and put holes in the walls (when apparently I was bothering him). This will cost me everything I have in the bank to leave. But I will leave despite of the obstacles. If I have to sell everything I own, so be it.
You detach with love, you detach with anger, you detach feeling anything that you feel this minute as long as you detach. Addicts find people who are strong, who they can rely on, it's money in the bank for them. I remind myself everyday that I have these qualities, equally along with the imperfection of being an enabler, a Mom. I am working on that one.
It really doesn't matter how they take anything! If they are sober they take it one way, if they are stoned they take it another way. In the end if someone is not there for them serving their every whim and need, you eventually become the enemy anyway. So who cares, why bother! Active addicts are photo copies of one another, all the same, no difference, and at some point we have to be done with it. Life is to short.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 321
Originally Posted by jan123 
My problem is that he has smashed doors, has broken light switches, and put holes in the walls (when apparently I was bothering him).
You are so right. I'm studying your words and I'm trying my best to implement them.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
This is How I detach..
I absolutely refuse to be in the same house with him or if that is not possible then the same room with him while he is drinking (even if it is one beer) or high on drugs.. end of story.. I have the right to respect myself enough not to allow that kind of thing in my personal space...
If I see drugs in my house then I throw them away.. no this does not stop him from using them but again I have a right for my personal space which is my house to be drug free... (you know it only took a couple of times for a bag of pot to disappear for my AH to do his drugs someplace else other then in my home)
Do not argue, beg, plead try to compromise or reason with your addict.. Addiction = insanity and you cannot reason or argue with insanity.. you will drive yourself nuts in the process.. I think this was the best thing that I did for myself in terms of boundaries and detachment was to stop the reasoning and arguing..
As for the moving situation.. I can sympathize with you.. The week my AH and I moved, not only was he high as a kite, I also found out two days before the move that he was cheating on me with a girl he worked with.. talk about the week from hell.. I did the best I could with the circumstances I had.. I packed up all the stuff, I moved most of the stuff other then the big items and I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom because I wanted my security deposit back.. Oh I was frustrated as hell because I had to do this on my own but because I had enough respect for myself and my things, I did it.. fortunately for me, My AH did get one of his friends to move the big stuff into our house.. but I was left doing all the unpacking and other fun stuff.. After a while, I welcomed the distraction of setting up my new home so that I did not have to think about the chaos in my life...
I like what Winnie suggested.. if he refuses to help you move anything then take what is important to you and just leave the rest.. it's only stuff..
I absolutely refuse to be in the same house with him or if that is not possible then the same room with him while he is drinking (even if it is one beer) or high on drugs.. end of story.. I have the right to respect myself enough not to allow that kind of thing in my personal space...
If I see drugs in my house then I throw them away.. no this does not stop him from using them but again I have a right for my personal space which is my house to be drug free... (you know it only took a couple of times for a bag of pot to disappear for my AH to do his drugs someplace else other then in my home)
Do not argue, beg, plead try to compromise or reason with your addict.. Addiction = insanity and you cannot reason or argue with insanity.. you will drive yourself nuts in the process.. I think this was the best thing that I did for myself in terms of boundaries and detachment was to stop the reasoning and arguing..
As for the moving situation.. I can sympathize with you.. The week my AH and I moved, not only was he high as a kite, I also found out two days before the move that he was cheating on me with a girl he worked with.. talk about the week from hell.. I did the best I could with the circumstances I had.. I packed up all the stuff, I moved most of the stuff other then the big items and I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom because I wanted my security deposit back.. Oh I was frustrated as hell because I had to do this on my own but because I had enough respect for myself and my things, I did it.. fortunately for me, My AH did get one of his friends to move the big stuff into our house.. but I was left doing all the unpacking and other fun stuff.. After a while, I welcomed the distraction of setting up my new home so that I did not have to think about the chaos in my life...
I like what Winnie suggested.. if he refuses to help you move anything then take what is important to you and just leave the rest.. it's only stuff..
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
here's a really good article on detachment. Developing Detachment | LIVESTRONG.COM
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
The best I can offer about detaching is acceptance. When you surrender your codependent behavior to accepting that it’s not you, it’s not about you or what you do or don’t do. It’s not something you can love away or comfort away or talk away or work together through. It’s about addiction, period. His addiction, his to give up or not, his to work on or not, his to seek help via rehab or leave rehab, his to relapse in or work a strong program.
Surrendering your codependent behavior is with finding self love, raising low self esteem, realizing your value and worth should never be based on someone else or their behaviors but comes from with in you and only you.
I would suggest that if there are no al-anon meetings in your area or child care makes it difficult for you to attend, get YOURSELF lost in a book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie’s.
You focus on you for a while instead of on HIS addiction.
Surrendering your codependent behavior is with finding self love, raising low self esteem, realizing your value and worth should never be based on someone else or their behaviors but comes from with in you and only you.
I would suggest that if there are no al-anon meetings in your area or child care makes it difficult for you to attend, get YOURSELF lost in a book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie’s.
You focus on you for a while instead of on HIS addiction.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
