erin3232

I don't really know where to start, so I'll share my story. I have been in a long term relationship with a wonderful man. I am 35 he is 41. We are both divorced and have been exclusive for over a year. About 2 weeks ago, my SO was involved with an intervention at his office and was asked to put himself into a detox facility. Let me state that I had no idea that he was using everyday. He was taking Vicodin and anxiety prescription meds. He is in the medical field, had surgery in July, came back too soon after his surgery in order to get back to work and developed a dependency on vicodin to help the pain. His partner realized he was still using and asked him to get into a program. He was using 4-5 times a week taking 2-3 dosages per day. He admitted all of this to me, granted after the fact, but he did admit he had a problem. While he was in the 5 day inpatient detox, I went daily to bring him clothing, magazines, met with his therapist and was his rock.

Let me now state that all of his family is out of state. So, 2 weeks ago, everything came crashing down. Because I am the only one here, I was the point person. Everything from his house to his office to his personal matters that needed to be tended to, taking care of the dog and being the family contact to keep his immediate family informed of exactly what was going on, got all the meds and alcohol out of the house, etc. It was overwhelming, but it had to be done. We do not live together and I have a daughter, home of my own and full time job (I am self employed) so my time is very hectic. I love this man and prior to this, we had talked about progressing our relationship, moving in together and even discussed marriage. It made me realize just how much I do love him and wanted to be compassionate, caring and help in any capacity to assist with his recovery. I started reading everything I could to learn about this disease and began to attend al-anon meetings at the advice of his therapist.

After his stay at the detox center, we had a heart to heart and he thanked me for being there for him, etc. He decided on a 6 week, very intensive night program M-TH and AA meetings F, S and SU. He started the program last week and Tuesday and Thurs are family nights. So, he asked me to attend, because I am the co-dependent, from 6-10pm those days. There wasn't a hesitation. I would get a sitter, change my schedule and make it happen.

Then the second bomb dropped. The third day he was in the program, I was at his house (we spend a lot of time together, we each have keys to our homes, merging our lives, etc) and was on the computer. I've used the computer a hundred times before this. Well, his email was left open. As you all know, the trust has been shattered with the drug use and I had a feeling in my heart that other things may have been going on as well. I looked in his email. I am not proud of this, as I have NEVER snooped or looked at his phone, etc but I knew I had to. I found several emails with two women. One he works with and they were very flirtatious. Commenting on how "hot" of a couple they were together (they had a photo taken), comments about other inapropriate things as well. Shamless flirting. This went on for 2 months. The second woman he had dated at one time, and I found out that they went to dinner one night. He commented in this email how much he was looking forward to seeing her. We were so happy, he was attentive so was I. We met each others children, etc. My heart was broken. I asked him about this when he got home. He said that while he was on the meds he didn't know 100% of what he was doing and he was so sorry that he was emotionally unfaithful. Literally he was on one knee apologizing, saying he would do anything not to lose me. He also said nothing physically ever happened with either of these women. I don't know what to believe anymore. How can I vow myself to a man who obviously hurt me deeply? He called the women that he works with and told her that I read the emails. He said that the flirting has to stop and they can only have a professional relationship. I was not present for this conversation. He has said now that he is clear headed, he would NEVER entertain being flirtatious with anyone and understands how badly I am hurting.

I need guidance. Has anyone been through anything similar? What worked for you? I feel stuck. I can't turn my back on him right now, but I am so confused and feel so betrayed. I cry myself to sleep yet have to put up a supportive front for him. I am lost, sad, empty and confused.

Seren

I'm so sorry to hear about all that you have been through. Please make sure to take care of yourself and do what is in your best interest at this time. This may include spending some quality time with your daughter on your own. I completely agree with Anvil about watching his actions and not his words. Actions are truth, words are quacking.

Hugs, HG

steve137

hi erin-
i am sorry to hear your story, but it is in some ways similar to mine. i dealt with this last year and again recently with the same girl. the worse part of it all is there is no answer. trust is so hard to regain once it is lost. my gf had a couple emotional affairs about a year and a half ago right under my nose. it hurt really bad. i never thought she was sleeping around, but i always had an underlying distrust of her. coincidently she too was using prescription pills.

i got back with her 4-5 months ago. seh told me how much she changed, how much she loved me and would never do anything to jeopordize losing me again. the first change i was aware of was that she had been using hard street drugs now, but swore she had stopped and wouldnt use again. i am fairly sure she slipped once or twice. i never fully regained the trust and had an opportunity to look at her email. there was stuff i didnt like- flirting and putting out feelers. two weks later she slipped and used. i again forgave her and even agreed to let her stay with me a few weeks. then on saturday, which we were supposed to spend together, she went out 730pm and didnt return until 1030am.

i am not saying this to scare you, but to reinterate what anvilhead said about watching the actions. it is easy to say get out of the relationship and run. but when we love someone it is very hard to do that. it seems that he may really be trying, so keep your eyes open, but dont become an obsessive detective like i did, that only causes you to lose youself. good luck.

URMYEVERYTHING

I'm sorry you are going through this but as long as he uses and new in his recovery, you cannot trust anything he says. He is quacking. Take care of yourself and set limits for yourself on what you are willing to tolerate. Cheating is a definite deal breaker for me. Addict or no addict. Not all addicts cheat when actively using.