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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Help
Ok- here's my update.
HBF checked himself out of rehab and on his way to sober living. He has to be out of his place by the 31st, has no job and no money. I went to visit with him (for only 1 hour) to discuss the future of our relationship and the boundaries I set for myself. He seems a lot clearer and more goal focused, however, it worries me that he checked out of rehab early. I told him my concerns and washed my hand of his issue. I told him that I love him and support him but I can't even give you a piece of bread to eat in fear that I will enable him any further. He was humble about it and stated that he doesn't want any of my help. Which is good. He tells me that he loves me and is very remorseful for stealing from me. He said that he knows what he has to do to get his life back together and that he hopes I have the patience and faith to wait it out with him. I don't know though. I love this man and besides the stealing from me (in his active addiction) he was the best BF any woman could ask for. He was honest with me from the beginning with his past addiction problems and he had 5 years clean prior to us dating.
Today- I must say that I am proud of myself. He shared with me on Friday that someone stole his cell phone while in rehab and he came home to a flat tire. He felt that his world- he created- was crumbling down. At that moment, I decided that I must distance myself even more before his misery pulls me in. I battled today with the thought of visiting him again. No food, etc. Just a visit for support. I declined and went to work my overtime job instead. I must say that I am proud of myself for not going. I will keep my visits limited. I will check in again on next Friday and thereafter until he gets himself into sober living.
I know this point is crucial. He has so many stressors- can't see his daughter, no job, homeless in 3 weeks, no food, no gas, no money. This is a bottom and he seems motivated.
Any feedback out there?? How did your situations turn out?? Did you have an addict in your life that made a turnaround and you are still together- happy?? I'm so confused right now. I want so much for us to be like we were prior to his relapse. We had a very loving relationship and he had with my son and I with his daughter. We still very much care for each other.
Any feedback would be great.
HBF checked himself out of rehab and on his way to sober living. He has to be out of his place by the 31st, has no job and no money. I went to visit with him (for only 1 hour) to discuss the future of our relationship and the boundaries I set for myself. He seems a lot clearer and more goal focused, however, it worries me that he checked out of rehab early. I told him my concerns and washed my hand of his issue. I told him that I love him and support him but I can't even give you a piece of bread to eat in fear that I will enable him any further. He was humble about it and stated that he doesn't want any of my help. Which is good. He tells me that he loves me and is very remorseful for stealing from me. He said that he knows what he has to do to get his life back together and that he hopes I have the patience and faith to wait it out with him. I don't know though. I love this man and besides the stealing from me (in his active addiction) he was the best BF any woman could ask for. He was honest with me from the beginning with his past addiction problems and he had 5 years clean prior to us dating.
Today- I must say that I am proud of myself. He shared with me on Friday that someone stole his cell phone while in rehab and he came home to a flat tire. He felt that his world- he created- was crumbling down. At that moment, I decided that I must distance myself even more before his misery pulls me in. I battled today with the thought of visiting him again. No food, etc. Just a visit for support. I declined and went to work my overtime job instead. I must say that I am proud of myself for not going. I will keep my visits limited. I will check in again on next Friday and thereafter until he gets himself into sober living.
I know this point is crucial. He has so many stressors- can't see his daughter, no job, homeless in 3 weeks, no food, no gas, no money. This is a bottom and he seems motivated.
Any feedback out there?? How did your situations turn out?? Did you have an addict in your life that made a turnaround and you are still together- happy?? I'm so confused right now. I want so much for us to be like we were prior to his relapse. We had a very loving relationship and he had with my son and I with his daughter. We still very much care for each other.
Any feedback would be great.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
I agree that while in recovery the addict must work to build back their lives. I too am in a place where I dont want to make it to easy and start enabling. My exabf has been clean for almost 60 days and is still attending treatment.
I knew that he was nowhere near getting better when he refused help from anyone. That was a signal to me that he was going to go down even further.
I knew that you CANNOT put your life back together on your own. But then because I stayed out of it and allowed him to face the consequences of his actions on his own I didnt feel that I was enabling him or being a codie.
So now he has finally asked for help. This is where things get kind of sticky. I have made myself boundaries with this situation. I will take him to put applications in somewhere, I will take him to get groceries, I will take him to appointments. I will drive him (he has no license no car) anywhere that is PRODUCTIVELY moving forward. I will NOT give rides to his friends house, bars, shady locations, run errands that could be anyway related to drugs. Those are my boundaries. Those are the things I am willing to do to help him get his life back together.
I also have to remind myself that I should not expect anything in return aside from the respect that I have told him I deserve and will NOT tolerate anything less. He agreed. As long as he can be respectful to me I will help with the transportation.
I dont feel that that is enabling him to continue further into a non recovery mode. He needs a job and that is one of the things that will get him out of the mess he has made.
I cant tell you how my situation will turn out. I know that he is a different person today then 2 months ago and I can only pray that he will continue to work on his recovery. We still live apart and are just now getting to the point where communication is happening. He has been out of our home for 3 months now. I am grateful for that today. I cannot expect anything more of him.
He made a complete turnaround after I turned my back on him completely. He was very angry with me treated me poorly and would not communicate with me. We have a child together and see each other almost daily.
So for today I am grateful that we can talk and not have this anger in our conversations. Time and patience will tell.
I knew that he was nowhere near getting better when he refused help from anyone. That was a signal to me that he was going to go down even further.
I knew that you CANNOT put your life back together on your own. But then because I stayed out of it and allowed him to face the consequences of his actions on his own I didnt feel that I was enabling him or being a codie.
So now he has finally asked for help. This is where things get kind of sticky. I have made myself boundaries with this situation. I will take him to put applications in somewhere, I will take him to get groceries, I will take him to appointments. I will drive him (he has no license no car) anywhere that is PRODUCTIVELY moving forward. I will NOT give rides to his friends house, bars, shady locations, run errands that could be anyway related to drugs. Those are my boundaries. Those are the things I am willing to do to help him get his life back together.
I also have to remind myself that I should not expect anything in return aside from the respect that I have told him I deserve and will NOT tolerate anything less. He agreed. As long as he can be respectful to me I will help with the transportation.
I dont feel that that is enabling him to continue further into a non recovery mode. He needs a job and that is one of the things that will get him out of the mess he has made.
I cant tell you how my situation will turn out. I know that he is a different person today then 2 months ago and I can only pray that he will continue to work on his recovery. We still live apart and are just now getting to the point where communication is happening. He has been out of our home for 3 months now. I am grateful for that today. I cannot expect anything more of him.
He made a complete turnaround after I turned my back on him completely. He was very angry with me treated me poorly and would not communicate with me. We have a child together and see each other almost daily.
So for today I am grateful that we can talk and not have this anger in our conversations. Time and patience will tell.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
He stole from you.
He is unemployed.
He is soon to be homeless.
He has no food.
He has no money.
Suspect he is unable to contribute to the support his child.
Someone stole his cell phone ( just as well as he has no way to pay for it)
His car has a flat.
He has no plan, but knows what he has to do.....
I think you are doing well staying out of his recovery,YRM.
He is unemployed.
He is soon to be homeless.
He has no food.
He has no money.
Suspect he is unable to contribute to the support his child.
Someone stole his cell phone ( just as well as he has no way to pay for it)
His car has a flat.
He has no plan, but knows what he has to do.....
I think you are doing well staying out of his recovery,YRM.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I want so much for us to be like we were prior to his relapse.
Living in the moment, accepting things for exactly as they are at any given moment is a much more realistic way for me to live in my own recovery from codependency.
Today, I don't hinge my reality on what anyone else does or doesn't do, and that includes both of my ADs.
Today I work hard to stay out of fantasy thinking.
Today I am grateful for the gift of living in the moment, and taking responsibility for my own happiness.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Sounds like you did very well in limiting your visit and not getting sucked back in. Sounds like he has some good ideas too and let's hope that his actions reflect his ideas to move forward and choose recovery.
There are no easy answers and one person's story and "outcome"is different from another. Living in each day and continuing to focus on self has worked for me. My future, when it becomes my present usually isn't what I anticipated, but it is just as it should be. Hugs
There are no easy answers and one person's story and "outcome"is different from another. Living in each day and continuing to focus on self has worked for me. My future, when it becomes my present usually isn't what I anticipated, but it is just as it should be. Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Thanks to all of you for your feedback. I know I have to stay out of his way until he gets to a certain point in his recovery. It's just hard for me to make the decision to move on and when to give myself that point or timeframe when I do. I told him that I can't hang on forever but I guess I need to determine when a healthy time for myself is to move on. And, not move on to another relationship.... but to move on from the hope for us. He tells me that he won't let me go and that he has found someone that he wants to be with for the rest of his life. He is making plans to go to OP on Monday to secure is OP appt. and then transfer into a sober house. Of course, I won't psych myself up to believe his words but rely on his actions so it's a waiting game. However, I have already made up my mind that moving on to another relationship at this point is not in my goal for the next 6 months but to work on me and my own emotional battles. It's just soooo hard to have gone this far with supporting him verbally and to just say "screw you- you piece of ****." This taking it one day at a time is the hardest. No guarantees, huh? I'm just discouraged because I don't hear any positive stories of spouses and girlfriends/boyfriends having positive outcomes. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 269
Hi, there!!
I cannot say that my marriage is the perfect story, but I can share a little with you. My RAH and I married 14 years ago. Which was before he was in active addiction. His drug of choice used to be opiates that were prescribed to him by his doctor. I knew there was a problem, but always talked myself out of it, because he did have an RX for it. But things kept getting worse and worse. I finally confronted him and he eventually went into a 7 day detox. Which I think introduced him to street drugs and heroin quickly became his drug of choice. (Oxys were being prescribed, but heroin is so much cheaper.) Now I did not know he was using street drugs, I later found out once he finally went into a 34 day rehab. He has been clean for 8 months now and I cannot say things are easy and I cannot say he is exactly the same as he was before drugs. But we are each working on our programs and it works. I can honestly say that we do go through very rough times, but we somehow always manage to work through. I only wish I would have found SR and my alanon meetings before, as I feel like I could have been in a better mind set to deal with the active addict. I am working right now to let go of the many resentments I have due to the drug use. I also have a hard time dealing with his addict behaviors. But I am working on it. We can actually sit down and talk about issues that come up instead of yelling across the house.
I do understand how very hard it is to go through everything with our addicts, but my RAH is my favorite addict and I am working as hard as I can to have the life we planned. And I believe that we just have to work on our relationship in a different way than others.
Take your time and only make the decisions that work for you....one day at a time.
I cannot say that my marriage is the perfect story, but I can share a little with you. My RAH and I married 14 years ago. Which was before he was in active addiction. His drug of choice used to be opiates that were prescribed to him by his doctor. I knew there was a problem, but always talked myself out of it, because he did have an RX for it. But things kept getting worse and worse. I finally confronted him and he eventually went into a 7 day detox. Which I think introduced him to street drugs and heroin quickly became his drug of choice. (Oxys were being prescribed, but heroin is so much cheaper.) Now I did not know he was using street drugs, I later found out once he finally went into a 34 day rehab. He has been clean for 8 months now and I cannot say things are easy and I cannot say he is exactly the same as he was before drugs. But we are each working on our programs and it works. I can honestly say that we do go through very rough times, but we somehow always manage to work through. I only wish I would have found SR and my alanon meetings before, as I feel like I could have been in a better mind set to deal with the active addict. I am working right now to let go of the many resentments I have due to the drug use. I also have a hard time dealing with his addict behaviors. But I am working on it. We can actually sit down and talk about issues that come up instead of yelling across the house.
I do understand how very hard it is to go through everything with our addicts, but my RAH is my favorite addict and I am working as hard as I can to have the life we planned. And I believe that we just have to work on our relationship in a different way than others.
Take your time and only make the decisions that work for you....one day at a time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Lynzi,
I haven't thought to look at that way that we have to work on our relationship a little different than others. He is making amends to me and he respects my distance from him but he still wants to be in a relationship. I too, want a loving relationship with him. He is motivated for treatment and has experience by working in the field/past addiction and recovery so he knows exactly what to do to get his life back on track. I am a little impatient and I guess that is why it is so difficult for me to accept. He is a loving man sober and his positives far outweigh his negative of addiction. It's just I don't know when exactly I'm crossing the line of enabling vs. support. I went to visit him on Friday but stopped myself today from going. I won't hear from him because he doesn't have a phone and I won't see him because his car has a flat and no gas. So, i know he isn't avoiding me on purpose by forced by circumstances. I struggle with if I go to see him or not. This is sooo frustrating!
I haven't thought to look at that way that we have to work on our relationship a little different than others. He is making amends to me and he respects my distance from him but he still wants to be in a relationship. I too, want a loving relationship with him. He is motivated for treatment and has experience by working in the field/past addiction and recovery so he knows exactly what to do to get his life back on track. I am a little impatient and I guess that is why it is so difficult for me to accept. He is a loving man sober and his positives far outweigh his negative of addiction. It's just I don't know when exactly I'm crossing the line of enabling vs. support. I went to visit him on Friday but stopped myself today from going. I won't hear from him because he doesn't have a phone and I won't see him because his car has a flat and no gas. So, i know he isn't avoiding me on purpose by forced by circumstances. I struggle with if I go to see him or not. This is sooo frustrating!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 269
I am not sure how anyone else handles the visiting situation, but what I did was as long as he was in rehab (bettering himself) I would go to visit. If he was still using, I'd see him when I'd see him. By the way, we have always been together never really separated. But I had my life and he had his. I am not saying that our marriage was always healthy...but somehow we got to where we are now. I could never understand how to detach with love with the man I am married to / live with, but I did it and it has worked and still does. When he acts like an addict I do mention it to him and go about my business. I know when I act like a codependant he tells me and he goes on about his business. It is hard for me to believe how far we have come. I have been to many, many alanon meetings (my goal is to make at least one a week - usually two) and visit this board all the time! I love this place, so much sharing and I need to remember where I came from!
Hope you have a great evening!!
Hope you have a great evening!!
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hello
As I was reading your post, I saw myself. I saw "myself" being "sucked" in yet again by my son. I saw "myself" being slowly, but methodically, manipulated into feeling sorry for the poor guy.
Then, I woke up and realized "why should I feel sorry"? He should feel sorry for what he has done to me! He should feel an obligation to me, not me to him!
The fact that his cell phone was stolen and his tire was flat does not constitute "a crumbling world!"
I think you're doing a great job by staying out of his affairs. Hopefully, you don't get feeling really sorry for him and offer help. He'll love himself more if he gets back on his feet without your help.
Incidentally, I understand how much you or I would love to jump in there and "fix" it all, but best to stay clear.
Hugs, Devastated
Then, I woke up and realized "why should I feel sorry"? He should feel sorry for what he has done to me! He should feel an obligation to me, not me to him!
The fact that his cell phone was stolen and his tire was flat does not constitute "a crumbling world!"
I think you're doing a great job by staying out of his affairs. Hopefully, you don't get feeling really sorry for him and offer help. He'll love himself more if he gets back on his feet without your help.
Incidentally, I understand how much you or I would love to jump in there and "fix" it all, but best to stay clear.
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Well, I called out of work today because I wasn't feeling too well mentally. I started an antidepressant and felt that I needed a mental day. Well, I should have stayed my butt at home rather than venturing out to visit with hbf. He wasn't at home but I have a key and went in. I stayed for about 30mins and left. I left him a note that I came by to visit with him but must have missed him. He did say on Friday that he is going to OP today to get his appt. secured to get into sober living. I just pray that is where he was this morning.
But, for some reason the emotions came back. I feel so hurt and alone but I know I'm not. I have my own battles with depression and that isn't helping in this situation. It would be so much easier if he had access to call and give me updates. That is all I need for now. I'm ok with the distance and letting him work on his recovery on his own. AAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!
But, for some reason the emotions came back. I feel so hurt and alone but I know I'm not. I have my own battles with depression and that isn't helping in this situation. It would be so much easier if he had access to call and give me updates. That is all I need for now. I'm ok with the distance and letting him work on his recovery on his own. AAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Since Monday, I have spoken to HBF a couple of times on the phone. He is still working on his placement into sober living and moving out of his place. I must say that I am proud of myself though. He asked if he could store his TV at my house and I told him NOPE!! I don't have the room. I almost told him that I would pawn it for the trouble he put me through for stealing my jewelry but I bit my tongue! LOL. However, he made a comment that the brand new bed he bought needed to be stored somewhere! I thought selfish for a moment and thought about my son needing a new bed. I told him that I would take the bed but don't expect it back! It's part of your debt. I was blown away when he said yes. He then went on to ramble that he has no money and is hungry! Oh well!! I told him to just call me when he wants me to pick up the bed.
You know.... I felt so selfish but so good at the same time. At that one moment, I didn't care about him being hungry because he put himself in that situation. I just wanted the bed! Is that wrong???
I do miss him but this feels good to have boundaries and tell him no when I want and for whatever reason I want. The funny thing is, he knows. He has been down this road before and was a substance abuse counselor before his relapse. He doesn't argue with me about my boundaries and he is completely understanding. He has until the 31st of January to get into sober living. It's interesting to see what will happen.
It's cold as I don't know what in Philly right now..... He he... I know, I'm wrong for laughing but it just feels so damn good!!
You know.... I felt so selfish but so good at the same time. At that one moment, I didn't care about him being hungry because he put himself in that situation. I just wanted the bed! Is that wrong???
I do miss him but this feels good to have boundaries and tell him no when I want and for whatever reason I want. The funny thing is, he knows. He has been down this road before and was a substance abuse counselor before his relapse. He doesn't argue with me about my boundaries and he is completely understanding. He has until the 31st of January to get into sober living. It's interesting to see what will happen.
It's cold as I don't know what in Philly right now..... He he... I know, I'm wrong for laughing but it just feels so damn good!!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Nope you weren't wrong. Next time he moans about being hungry, tell him Salvation Army serves meals every day and has a great treatment program to boot.
the bed can be a bit of the monetary debt he owes you.
Keep looking forward. Stay strong, and let us know how YOU are doing.
Love and hugs,
the bed can be a bit of the monetary debt he owes you.
Keep looking forward. Stay strong, and let us know how YOU are doing.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
OMG!!! I had to bring this post back to the forefront. UGGH!! I was contemplating leaving him then and I didn't. Why?
I read this post and I am disgusted that I stayed so freaking long. It helps to read it though because it really puts things into perspective for me in staying in toxic, non-commitable relationships. Never again!
Things were so clear but because I was in chaos with him I was blinded.
I read this post and I am disgusted that I stayed so freaking long. It helps to read it though because it really puts things into perspective for me in staying in toxic, non-commitable relationships. Never again!
Things were so clear but because I was in chaos with him I was blinded.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
UR....
I read through all of this without first looking at the dates.....so grateful that I was "punked" by this and that this wasn't really happening in "today" time.
You are right though....you saw the signs and you were seeking your way out but then got sucked back in. Again and again. Like me. Like so many others. It's amazing how charming and alluring an addict can be when they are trying to worm their way back into your heart and your life.
It's funny - you asked back then if anyone was still with their addict after addiction and were they happy. I just posted to my blog last night about acceptance. And that my acceptance of how things really are means that a big grief process is underway because although I accept the situation I do not find it acceptable to stay in. About the time that I feel that there is hope for us he emotionally relapses (no drugs or alcohol just chaos, control, irritability, anger) and destroys anything that was good.
Funny (ha ha not) what it takes for us to finally hit our own bottoms. And even then how tough it is.
I read through all of this without first looking at the dates.....so grateful that I was "punked" by this and that this wasn't really happening in "today" time.
You are right though....you saw the signs and you were seeking your way out but then got sucked back in. Again and again. Like me. Like so many others. It's amazing how charming and alluring an addict can be when they are trying to worm their way back into your heart and your life.
It's funny - you asked back then if anyone was still with their addict after addiction and were they happy. I just posted to my blog last night about acceptance. And that my acceptance of how things really are means that a big grief process is underway because although I accept the situation I do not find it acceptable to stay in. About the time that I feel that there is hope for us he emotionally relapses (no drugs or alcohol just chaos, control, irritability, anger) and destroys anything that was good.
Funny (ha ha not) what it takes for us to finally hit our own bottoms. And even then how tough it is.
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