A letter to J's Addiction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 39
A letter to J's Addiction
Here is a letter I wrote to my ABF's addiction - not him. I understand he has a disease and it's not him I resent - it's the Addiction.
So here it is - I actually sent it to him and he came to me crying saying that if I had sent this to him sooner he would have found help sooner:
A letter to ***'s Addiction:
Dear Addiction,
I have been bottling up some feelings for quite some time and I need to get them out.
I hate you. I hate what you have done to the man that I love. I hate what you have done to the person I used to be. I want my boyfriend back. I want myself back and it's not fair that you robbed these things from me.
At first you made him feel good and took some of his pain away - both physical and mental pain. But now you are the sole cause of all the pain he feels, including mine. I want you to leave and give me the man I fell in love with back. I want the man that would make me laugh and the man who was so thoughtful of himself and others and who worked really hard back. Instead the past few years you have my life miserable. You made the man that wouldn't dream of hurting me lie, steal, and deceive me. I don't know this man anymore and I don't like the man you left me with.
Addiction, there have been many things that you have done that have really hurt me. First off, the lying. I know when you are around and you try to hide inside ***, telling him to lie to me and telling him to tell me stories that I want to believe because I love him and want to believe him. I want to believe that you are not around so I am duped and sometimes I do things that not only hurt ***, but hurt me as well. You have made me give *** money that I need to spend on important things like the credit card bills that you made *** max out. You even made *** steal from his own mother and not only me. And even when I caught ***, you still made him lie to me and because I loved him, I believed him.
Not only is there the lying, but there is the deceit. You deceived me in many ways. You made *** fight with me EVERY SINGLE TIME we had to go to a family function to the point where I made him stay home and I would go alone and I look back and realize he would rather be alone. In turn, I deceived my family and the people I really care about because I had to make up stories about why *** didn't come with me. And every time I did that it was so he could be alone with you because you don't like when I'm around because I can see right through you and smell you a mile away and I ruin your good time ... I just don't always let you know that I know you are around, because sometimes, I just don't have the energy to fight. You are not only hurting me, you are hurting my family - the people I care about most and who would do anything for me and ***.
You have ruined my time at some of the weddings of some of the most important people in my life because you make *** sit there like a zombie while I have to make excuses about how he doesn't feel well or is tired. But you did not hold me back those days! I still have wonderful memories of those days because I wouldn't let you get me down too much. And I will continue to have good times in my life and I will stop letting you ruin things for me.
You robbed me of things that belonged to me - You took a lot of presents that should have been mine and although they are only material things, I deserved them. You are taking my future of a husband and family away from me. You are taking my idea of happiness with the man I love away. You have robbed *** of his spirit and his zest because you are controlling all of his actions.
Not only are you destroying ***'s health, you are destroying my spirit. I used to be so positive and strong and I have overcome many things in my life from raising my little brother after my mother abandoned us, to watching my brother suffer and die in front of my eyes. And even then I believed that life was still good and there was still happiness to be found . But now I feel like you are winning. And I am getting tired of watching you take things that I deserve away from me. I am tired of you taking away my hope. I am tired of waiting for the good times to outweigh the bad times because the past few years have been filled with nothing but bad times. I resent you, Addiction, and what you have done to mine and ***'s lives
*** is better than you but you are making him believe that he needs you. But I don't need you. I am tired of feeding you and supporting you by protecting ***. I can't protect him anymore. I can't support you in my life any more. Addiction, you need to get out of my life. I am allowing you to keep the strong woman that I used to be away from the world. When you are around you make me a controlling, suspicious, doubtful person who is always trying to play detective. I do not like who I am when you are around. You give me anxiety and you are making my life miserable and you make me not want to be around *** anymore. I let you control my thoughts the way you control ***'s thoughts. Addiction, I cannot continue to let you control me like this. I am ready to let go of you, and if that means letting go of ***, then I have to do what is right for me... because I have tried to do what I thought was right for him for so long, but instead, I kept doing what was right for you, Addiction. And I am now done with you.
I know that if *** chooses to leave you, that you may be there lurking, trying to win him over. But I can't let myself be 2nd choice anymore. I can't keep trying to control you. I need to stop caring about you and start finally caring about me. I deserve more. Addiction, I have spent too many precious years on you. I need to start thinking about me. So if that means taking *** with you, then I am ready to say good-bye to – to the BOTH of you.
With sincere resentment,
Bella.
So here it is - I actually sent it to him and he came to me crying saying that if I had sent this to him sooner he would have found help sooner:
A letter to ***'s Addiction:
Dear Addiction,
I have been bottling up some feelings for quite some time and I need to get them out.
I hate you. I hate what you have done to the man that I love. I hate what you have done to the person I used to be. I want my boyfriend back. I want myself back and it's not fair that you robbed these things from me.
At first you made him feel good and took some of his pain away - both physical and mental pain. But now you are the sole cause of all the pain he feels, including mine. I want you to leave and give me the man I fell in love with back. I want the man that would make me laugh and the man who was so thoughtful of himself and others and who worked really hard back. Instead the past few years you have my life miserable. You made the man that wouldn't dream of hurting me lie, steal, and deceive me. I don't know this man anymore and I don't like the man you left me with.
Addiction, there have been many things that you have done that have really hurt me. First off, the lying. I know when you are around and you try to hide inside ***, telling him to lie to me and telling him to tell me stories that I want to believe because I love him and want to believe him. I want to believe that you are not around so I am duped and sometimes I do things that not only hurt ***, but hurt me as well. You have made me give *** money that I need to spend on important things like the credit card bills that you made *** max out. You even made *** steal from his own mother and not only me. And even when I caught ***, you still made him lie to me and because I loved him, I believed him.
Not only is there the lying, but there is the deceit. You deceived me in many ways. You made *** fight with me EVERY SINGLE TIME we had to go to a family function to the point where I made him stay home and I would go alone and I look back and realize he would rather be alone. In turn, I deceived my family and the people I really care about because I had to make up stories about why *** didn't come with me. And every time I did that it was so he could be alone with you because you don't like when I'm around because I can see right through you and smell you a mile away and I ruin your good time ... I just don't always let you know that I know you are around, because sometimes, I just don't have the energy to fight. You are not only hurting me, you are hurting my family - the people I care about most and who would do anything for me and ***.
You have ruined my time at some of the weddings of some of the most important people in my life because you make *** sit there like a zombie while I have to make excuses about how he doesn't feel well or is tired. But you did not hold me back those days! I still have wonderful memories of those days because I wouldn't let you get me down too much. And I will continue to have good times in my life and I will stop letting you ruin things for me.
You robbed me of things that belonged to me - You took a lot of presents that should have been mine and although they are only material things, I deserved them. You are taking my future of a husband and family away from me. You are taking my idea of happiness with the man I love away. You have robbed *** of his spirit and his zest because you are controlling all of his actions.
Not only are you destroying ***'s health, you are destroying my spirit. I used to be so positive and strong and I have overcome many things in my life from raising my little brother after my mother abandoned us, to watching my brother suffer and die in front of my eyes. And even then I believed that life was still good and there was still happiness to be found . But now I feel like you are winning. And I am getting tired of watching you take things that I deserve away from me. I am tired of you taking away my hope. I am tired of waiting for the good times to outweigh the bad times because the past few years have been filled with nothing but bad times. I resent you, Addiction, and what you have done to mine and ***'s lives
*** is better than you but you are making him believe that he needs you. But I don't need you. I am tired of feeding you and supporting you by protecting ***. I can't protect him anymore. I can't support you in my life any more. Addiction, you need to get out of my life. I am allowing you to keep the strong woman that I used to be away from the world. When you are around you make me a controlling, suspicious, doubtful person who is always trying to play detective. I do not like who I am when you are around. You give me anxiety and you are making my life miserable and you make me not want to be around *** anymore. I let you control my thoughts the way you control ***'s thoughts. Addiction, I cannot continue to let you control me like this. I am ready to let go of you, and if that means letting go of ***, then I have to do what is right for me... because I have tried to do what I thought was right for him for so long, but instead, I kept doing what was right for you, Addiction. And I am now done with you.
I know that if *** chooses to leave you, that you may be there lurking, trying to win him over. But I can't let myself be 2nd choice anymore. I can't keep trying to control you. I need to stop caring about you and start finally caring about me. I deserve more. Addiction, I have spent too many precious years on you. I need to start thinking about me. So if that means taking *** with you, then I am ready to say good-bye to – to the BOTH of you.
With sincere resentment,
Bella.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: VA
Posts: 90
The impact of addiction on me
I wrote this note to addiction in early April 2006. In my letter I focused on the impact of addiction on me.
Addiction, you entered my life long after you held my son in your grip. For a while you and my son conspired to keep your presence a secret while you tightened your hold over his body, soul, and his daily life. In the long months since, I made your acquaintance as an unwelcome member of my family; you have robbed me, mocked me, lied to me, stolen from me, played havoc with my physical and mental health.
Addiction, you robbed me of time: time with friends, time for my extended family, time for activities that I enjoy, and time for rest and relaxation. You stole my ability to concentrate such that I could barely handle my day-to-day responsibilities. Worry, fear and anxiety replaced focus.
Addiction: You took my peace of mind and the sense of well-being within my family. You filled me with worry and stress-related ailments. I ran senselessly around the house and through the neighborhood to relieve the tension after learning of one more of your deceptions. I screamed even when no one was there to hear.
Addiction, you destroyed a sense of trust. You robbed me of my innocence and filled my brain with information I did not care to know. I learned how a person with no money can get multiple payday loans and hock anything whether it belongs to them or not at the Golden Pawn Shop and all to satisfy you.
Addiction, you transformed me into a suspicious detective, constantly looking for signs of your presence, praying that I would not find anything, but feeling broken again when I spotted evidence.
Addiction, I allowed you to reach into my bankbook and get funds to feed yourself.
Addiction, you manipulated my feelings to make me believe that I could control your power. How do I feel about you? I hate you; I am angry at your existence. I am powerless over you.
Addiction, you entered my life long after you held my son in your grip. For a while you and my son conspired to keep your presence a secret while you tightened your hold over his body, soul, and his daily life. In the long months since, I made your acquaintance as an unwelcome member of my family; you have robbed me, mocked me, lied to me, stolen from me, played havoc with my physical and mental health.
Addiction, you robbed me of time: time with friends, time for my extended family, time for activities that I enjoy, and time for rest and relaxation. You stole my ability to concentrate such that I could barely handle my day-to-day responsibilities. Worry, fear and anxiety replaced focus.
Addiction: You took my peace of mind and the sense of well-being within my family. You filled me with worry and stress-related ailments. I ran senselessly around the house and through the neighborhood to relieve the tension after learning of one more of your deceptions. I screamed even when no one was there to hear.
Addiction, you destroyed a sense of trust. You robbed me of my innocence and filled my brain with information I did not care to know. I learned how a person with no money can get multiple payday loans and hock anything whether it belongs to them or not at the Golden Pawn Shop and all to satisfy you.
Addiction, you transformed me into a suspicious detective, constantly looking for signs of your presence, praying that I would not find anything, but feeling broken again when I spotted evidence.
Addiction, I allowed you to reach into my bankbook and get funds to feed yourself.
Addiction, you manipulated my feelings to make me believe that I could control your power. How do I feel about you? I hate you; I am angry at your existence. I am powerless over you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 39
Thank you for sharing that, Guinevere. ((hugs))
I once thought that Love was the most powerful emotion and state of being.... Boy was I naive! I now know the hard way that Addiction can be far more powerful than even fear.
If I had to draw a character for what Addiction would look like to me, it would be a troll-like creature with deep red dark eyes and a salivating grimace with razor sharp teeth waiting to pounce on anyone it thinks it can prey on.
Sort of like that little creature from the movie Cat's Eye that lived in the little girls wall and came out every night and made it look like the cat was the one doing all the bad stuff.
I once thought that Love was the most powerful emotion and state of being.... Boy was I naive! I now know the hard way that Addiction can be far more powerful than even fear.
If I had to draw a character for what Addiction would look like to me, it would be a troll-like creature with deep red dark eyes and a salivating grimace with razor sharp teeth waiting to pounce on anyone it thinks it can prey on.
Sort of like that little creature from the movie Cat's Eye that lived in the little girls wall and came out every night and made it look like the cat was the one doing all the bad stuff.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 39
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Orange County, NY
Posts: 116
Great letter. You know, in a recent letter to my son, I told him that I was beginning to see his addict self, and my son as two separate beings, as when he was using, I didn't know him. He truly understood what I meant because he said when he was using, he no longer knew himself.
EIleen
EIleen
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
