cessy68

Hi yal, I am ok today- I hope everyone here is as well.

I just had a quick question- I have been actively practicing - acceptance and detatchment with my addict boyfriend.

As some of you know- I'm trying to gain the strength to ask him to leave, for the last time. I want to make sure I am strong and healthy enough to do it, as to not take him back again once he is gone.

Long story short- (as possible) I have had a decent week of practicing acceptance, and letting go- detatchment. With that being said, i won't argue with my him, I won't call and see if he is on his way, what his plans are, if he's ok... the list goes on.

I am simply going about my life- more than I ever have. It is not fake, it isn't even that hard for me this time. (as I wrote in a post a few days ago, I just feel numb), He can destroy his life, I just won't allow it to destroy mine anylonger. If he wants to stay out all night.... then he will be the one tired in the a.m... Im not gonna wait up to cry, worry, yell- you get the picture.

Anyhoo the question is- he is feeling my new attitude. He asks "what wrong" he say i seem "aloof" i seem "cold"to him. He suddenly cares about our intamate relationship- (when he hasn't cared in months). He is calling now (often) during the day with "hey sweetie, hows ur day. Whats up w/you latley"

I know he notices the shift, but I do not intend to explain ANY OF THIS TO HIM because if I do, I KNOW him, he's crafty and will either turn it into an argument, or will torture me in some fashion.

Sooooo, (sorry this is long) how do I continue on (making good progress) and NOT DISCUSS this with him? How do even stay in my relationship at this point- when I frankly don't feel like working with him/on him anymore? I only am concerned with myself..... He hasn't changed one bit, and I do not want to waste my breath explaining any of this to him-

For I know he will manipulate and twist all the good I've done for myself. Any suggestions.
Thankyou for listening,
Cessy

cassandra2

This is what usually occurs in relationships where a person pulls away. The other person sits up and says hey something is different. In a normal relationship you could take this as a good sign and know that he is still interested in you as long as you arent making him the focus. But I am afraid that because addiction is part of the equation this will only last for a short while. He will poke and prode you and try to get it out of you. Dont tell him you are detaching as you said he will use it against you,

Maybe maybe just maybe the fear of losing you will be enough for him to stop and look at his actions and maybe be able to change (go get help) but that is a long shot.

I just know that this is normal. we always want what we cant have. we are fascinated by people who dont act they way they normally do.

Keep it up. You are strong. I miss talking with you. Its been rough. Good luck....

Impurrfect

(((Cessy)))

Good for you!!

For me, I just answered him with short answers, nothing that would lead to a conversation. If he asked how I was, I would say "fine". If he asked what was up, I'd say "nothing" or "nothing I want to talk about" and would walk away. Whenever he'd try to goad me into a conversation, I just wouldn't take the bait (not always easy, but it gets easier with time).

He's going to keep trying, because he realizes you've changed and he doesn't like it. By the time I got to where you are, it was actually pretty easy because I was tired of explaining, tired of arguing, and I just wanted it over.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

itisatruth

Hi Cessy - You sound like you're making good progress....stay diligent....keep the focus on you. As for his questions, don't let him engage you in a discussion about it; he's trying to play the same old 'song and dance'. Tell him you've just been busy or something and keep doing stuff for you. Or you could try that no contact thing. Keep the focus on you and what you need -- seems like the rest is falling into place. You can do this!

Limiya

Hey girl.
I wish i could help. It sounds to me like you're doing a really good job already.
Let him worry if he likes, you know he's only being interested more because he can see you're getting stronger. Addicts don't like it.

As soon as i started detatching from Alex (Refusing to argue with him, stop going out with him etc) he hated it and ended the relationship before i could.
So i never had this situation really. Not to the point where he's callin as often as that.

So good luck chick. You're doing really well.
~Limiya~

Alaia

Cessy...sounds like you are doing great. Everyone else pretty much said what I would have said. Hugs and prayers for you. Stay strong.

Neagrm

Did you happen to see the Nov 30 reading from Language of Letting Go, on detachment? It's a helpful read.

I'd say continue practicing staying in your own head as you are. I know there are always challenges, but as you put it, it IS ongoing practice every day, every minute. You're doing great.

When I've decided on a course of action I always check in with myself now and then to ask, "What is my motivation?" For example, am I with-holding info in order to punish, or to indulge myself for some reason, or is it to protect myself, or maybe I'm just not _clear_ about it yet, ... you get the idea. I take a look at my behavior and double check my motives so I can continue to stay in a healthy place.

I find it's my motivation that's key. Sometimes it's not so clear. Then I explore it with healthy friends, check it out with someone healthy like my sponsor and fellow Al-Anon experienced friends; not necessarily for them to tell me what to do, but to get insight into how I feel and what's behind my decision. Others can help you ask yourself, What are you feeling?, Could you be feeling...?, I wonder if you're thinking...?, etc. Check your motivation. Is it healthy? If not, get to the bottom of it with healthy friends support.

Is there any harm in clearly stating the facts -- from the place of clarity within you, not from a place of defense? i.e., I'm working on my own stuff, simple as that. If he tries to pull you into a discussion, just be a broken record, then you need say no more; you already know it's your business not his. You don't get into his business because you know the healthiest thing for everyone is to take care of your own stuff.

Of course he's fighting the change you've made; it's his patterns he's into and you're getting healthier. When one partner becomes healthier the other fights for the status quo. When you get clear in your own head, the other can feel it and it can be scary because they're frightened of change. Maybe he's ready to see you model healthy behavior and will follow your example, but maybe he's not. That's when we get to practice accepting what is, and letting it go, healthy detachment.

Stay on your own path to healing and you'll be okay. Keep up the great work. Thank you for inspiring me!
Nea

shugabooga

this is helping me understand detachment. i used to have that book, Language of Letting Go, but gave it to a friend because I just never understood it. She loved it, and has now been sober for over three years.

I have a boyfriend problem too and I used to worry about him all the time. Still do. We are still together. Do you live with your boyfriend? What is stopping you from moving on? If these questions are too painful for you to answer, I understand. I am having a hard time asking them because I know I need to leave my BF.

cessy68

Yes, I am still with my boyfriend, even though I know I shouldn't be. Yes we live together, 3yrs now.

I worry about him constantly- however, i have shifted to worrying about myself more. Although I know if he continues on this pattern he will kill himself eventually- his addiction has killed who I am.

I am attempting to detatch and accept that this is his choice, his problem, and by me allowing him to still be in my life, live in my house, and PRETEND that we have a relationship- It is acutally killing ME.... my spirit. My morals, my standards, my feelings have all been flushed down the toilet and I don't want to live like that anymore.

I have come to the realization that I CAN NOT CHANGE HIM. I thought for a very long time, that I could make him see- I thought for a long time, that I needed to "help" him get help, that didn't work. I had him move out at least 5 times, and took him back everytime- either believeing I was too hard on him and asked him to come home, or by him begging and pleading - saying he knew he had to stop drinking/drugging, and that he "needed my help and my love" that he didn't want to do this alone.

Well- very long story short, here I sit , on a forum attempting to nail down some insight, trying to stay strong, trying to become detatched, and it was working. This weekend was really hard (thats for another post) and I feel like I went backwards- but I'm still here, still reading, writing, and listening- I must detatch COMPLETELY before I ask him to leave again. Because when I ask him to leave this time- I don't want to have even a shred of a doubt. I want to be strong- so that I NEVER allow myself to be sucked into believeing a man- who has done nothing but live a lie, and he cant be honest with himself, therefore he will NEVER be honest with me.

It's time to let it go- I just need the strenght.

Keep reading and posting here, you will get the answers and support you need, I know I have and I've only been posting for a little over a week.

Take Care,
Cessy