Abundance

Hi guys..... boy .... I was doing so well..... and now I'm sorry to report that I'm not. My controlling ways have gotten the best of me and I'm feeling pain and remorse.

Well - as you know I started my new job. It's wonderful - and it keeps me very busy - but I've found that the distraction has totally bit me in the arse. I saw it coming..... I saw that it was just another one of my "quick fixes".

What was also helping was my being in control of his xanax and it's a good thing I was too...... for the first time he had the xanax script last him LONGER than the month prescribed AND it also gave me peace of mind that he wasn't abusing. Also - I was monitoring his subutex.... and to see how he was acting in regards to how much he was taking. Well tonight - all of that has come to a screeching hault..... he wants me to not have anything to do with it.... and wants his free reign over these medications. I am feeling so uneasy about this and I'm furious. But of course - due to my recovery - I know what I am mostly furious about is the fact that I am furious that I have lost control over his dosing schedule.

Honestly - I feel like I have been completely side swiped! But why? It's not like I should really be surprised! He has also been terribly depressed because of circumstances pertaining to his life..... and has been saddened because I'm gone all hours of the day now. He has also complained about being with the children every day after school. Well - to be honest - I think it's best for my peace of mind that he isn't looking after them anyway. The guilt I would feel if he were high or had the stuff around them when I especially wasn't home is un-real....... and obviously - I can't trust him to not be.......... which just brings me to my next point.

Just what am I doing holding out or making the best of whats around with someone I don't trust? For the most part - things are good with us - but then the boat gets rocked - I begin to feel un-settled and I get so much doubt.

He actually threw my codie recovery at me AGAIN today....... saying for me to do what I'm taught in al-anon and here which is to not give power to his choices and addiction. UUUGGGGH!! He was saying this because I was so upset about taking away my control over his scripts. First off.... I didn't even control his subutex..... but I did monitor it and count pills and ask him about how much he took in the day! Again - another quick fix- and another thing for me to focus on other than myself! But it made me feel better - it made it feel like I was helping him.... helping both of us - because I felt better. Turns out - it has been upsetting him. And obviously I think that he just wants to take this away from me because he is of addict mindset.

Please send me vibes folks - I'm not feeling settled - I'm feeling scared and unsure YET again. Just when things are going so strong for me I find myself going back a couple steps and just feeling so heavy and at times angry with it all.

How can I love him so much.... feel so sad about not having him in my life - yet not be able to fully trust him and feel so much anger and frustration?

How I want to be able to work on myself while staying with him - locking arms and getting through this together ------- to not give up on us....... to focus on the positive.

Take me back to where I was a few weeks ago- a feeling of empowerment.... a feeling of keeping my emotions in check. NOT giving power to anything being able to penetrate me. Staying in my own zone ..... not allowing for guilt or blame towards me to play a role in my self discovery/self worth.

I want to believe that we can do this - we can make it work - that he is going to get his recovery back in order..... etc. etc. But tonight I'm thinking that I just might be wishing upon an empty star.

I don't know what else to say - I just find that coming to terms with things by looking at my own personal character defects helps me put things into perspective - as I'm the only one I can control after all.

xoxoxox

Abundance

I'm trying to go to sleep - and I got so used to the pattern of us going to bed nicely together....... and now he is up setting up email accounts that he thought he had lost..... and I'm just thinking that he is just blinking happy because he has his pills..... ! And so I'm thinking about just how the boys are going to get home from school...... HOW my oldest is going to get to sylvan tomorrow and how I'm going to make all of this work when I'm working all these hours?!

I just feel like a single mom all over again - YET - I have a partner in the house! But it's a stupid addict partner..... so of course I just feel like a single parent. Why did I not feel like this when I was in control of his pills? Why did I let the superficialness of it all give me a sense of security? He's going to use whether I monitor or not...... what in the heck is wrong with me? I'm so bloody forgiving! We can have a horrid day and then 10 good ones after that and then it's like I think I can count on him! And HE is resentful? Forget about his resentments........ I'M RESENTFUL! But I can also be resentful towards myself - but he can't see any of his character defects......... it's all too easy and the way for him to just cast blame on others and other situations!

I have the stress and the weight of the world on my shoulders and I take 100% accountability...... just as I had that awakening over a month ago with all my consequences staring at me in my face....... and now I'm trying to do right and I just feel faced with so many more struggles.

So - what are some ideas about tomorrow? How does my son get to his tutoring? And then my youngest do choir on Wednesday?

God - I've made such a mess of my life!

Ann

When I thought I had control of my son's bank account, his medications, and when I thought I had control of how many meetings he went to because I drove him and picked him up...I found that this control was an illusion and I learned that the only person I could control was myself...and I felt totally out of control.

One baby step at a time, I began to pick up the pieces. I found meetings and a sponsor who guided me through the twelve steps and led me to a better path.

Sweetie, you are right to protect your children from a person who is not capable of caring for them, you are right to feel overwhelmed by all the responsibility that is on your shoulders. But there comes a time, when all we tried to control hasn't worked, that we have to take care of ourselves, even if it means letting go of them and the need to control their actions.

You can do it, lots of moms do including my mom who was widowed when I was 6 years old. Maybe take time and break it all up into doable actions. Figure out what you can afford to live on and then make your expenses fit. If your kids can't take a bus to their lessons, or a friend cannot help drive them, then maybe this just isn't the right time for them to do that.

We have choices, many of them stink, but making good choices that keep us solvent and make sure that our kids are taken care of is the first step toward being self-sufficient.

I'm sorry you are struggling, but if you are like most of us, these struggles will take you to a better place, where you don't have to depend on someone who cannot be depended upon.

Hugs

marle

Counting pills is an illusion because addicts are far more skilled at finding ways to cheat than we are at finding ways to control their actions. Suboxone is only one tool that an addict can use to stay clean. The most important part has to come from them and really wanting to stay clean. Like Ann has said, the only person that we can control is us. Sending some hugs your way. Letting go means letting go completely but sometimes we do need to do it with baby steps. Just knowing that you can't control the uncontrollable is a big step. Hugs, Marle

mooselips

((Abundance))
I don't know how you spouses do it, especially with children. Your strength amazes me to handle all of the stress, and drama.

Sorry for all your troubles, but like what has been said before me, you had the "Illusion" of control.

Back to Step 1, you are powerless, and take little baby steps, and this will all work out. It will. You're just really stressed right now, quite understandably.
With you controlling the times he takes his pills, is kind of like walking on eggshells, it's not going to work for the long run.


Hugs, and prayers...

ToughChoices

Hi, Abundance.
When I read your posts I can hear my own thoughts, my inner conflict as I was trying to love, help, guide, and punish my husband through his struggle with addiction.

Would you be open to considering that your control of his drug choices is not a good thing - regardless of the outcomes - because it does not lead him to a path of personal responsibility?

I spent a great deal of time policing my husband's actions, monitoring his consumption, and tearfully speaking with him about the emotions that his addiction brought to the surface for me.

I can now see that all of these responses were designed to manipulate him into behaving as I saw fit.
I wanted him to stop abusing alcohol. Period.
And because that goal seemed noble - healthy, even - I convinced myself that it was okay to try to control his movement in that direction. The recovery direction.

I think that I was wrong to behave in this way.
I think that I arrested my own recovery, and I interfered with my husband's progression down his chosen path.

Allowing him the dignity of making his own choices, as painful as it was for me to watch and as much as I disagreed with him, restored my sanity.
It allowed me to see him for what he was - a loving, beautiful man with a desperate and soul-sucking problem that I was absolutely powerless to help him with.

When I could see and accept the truth of him:
What he would chose to do,
How he would chose to live - if no one else was asserting their will in his life -
I was in a much better place to make healthy choices for myself and my child.

A loving goal, to be sure.
My desire to "lock arms" with my husband was more about strong-arming OUR way down Recovery Lane. It was a "I-love-you-and-this-is-where-we-are-going-like-it-or-not" kind of walk.

He didn't like it.

In order to know if I want to share my life with someone, I must be able to observe their chosen path without attempting to influence it. If it is not a path that I find compatible with my own, I lovingly step aside, trusting that everything is as it should be, and allow them to continue on their way.

Take care. I'm thinking of you today.

-TC

Callie

Abs -

I totally know how you feel. The power of being the pharmacist is just an illusion. I will be blunt with you. From the sounds of your post, he's not ready to be clean. He's given you the power of holding his scripts because that what will keep you around, make you happy etc.

Girl - I know what it you're going through. As hard as I tried, I couldn't yell him clean, push him clean, chastize him clean, love him clean, hate him clean. I went through every single available emotion under the sun and in the end it didn't matter. It HAD to come from him. I'm sorry you are going through this. Just like myself, it's the same cycle over and over again.

Always a storm brewing, them the torrential downfall and then the calm after the storm only to have another one start brewing again.

Callie

Wow - great quote! Thank you for that! Even with my AH out of the house for 6 months now and clean, I still find myself attempting to influence what he "should" be doing. He will agree that he "should" be doing these things, but for the most part he's not. I'm going to print this out and read it every morning. Thanks!

NeedingHelp7

Been there done that. Abundance.... He allowed you to for a time in his "appeasement" stage. After AH major relapse, and detox in 2007, I had to dispense his meds, and he takes a lot. He has a big black med bag full of just pills. So I had to put each med in his daily dispenser. I was ordered by the Dr. to give him his suboxone (I had to hide this stuff from him). It lasted about a week, he would tell me I was doing it wrong, that some were missing....blah blah blah.... He was kicked out 2 weeks later. He didn't like me in control of his meds, and he was in a scary condition.

He later returned to pain killers, and now has returned to xanax the very things he was detoxed off then, besides crack.

xanax was hell for him coming off of.

You can't control what he's going to take Abundance. It's a sick cycle.

Probably because you felt like you were taking care of him as a nurse wife.
I spent more time being a nurse to my husband than anything. What Dr. should he go to? What meds are good and not good for him? Why is he looking like a drunk zombie? It's the Dr's fault how dare they prescribe this crap to AH. Yell at the Dr on the phone, only for him to tell me AH needs it. Then I tell the Dr. AH needs it like a hole in the head. They really don't appreciate your loving care when thier addicts. I gave up.

We as sober wives think every decision should be made together, joint decisions, but addicts don't think that way. They pretty much do what they want without a care for any one else. Thats why you feel like a single mother because basically thats what you become.

It won't stop until he ends it Abundance. I just hope you will be ok. Keep safe.

Huggs,
NH7

hello-kitty

You love him. He loves his drugs. It will always be that way. You will always be the number two priority after feeding his addiction. Perhaps, it's just a matter of acceptance. Accept that you are always going to come second drugs and then try to find the joy in the relationship as it is, instead of focusing on the joy that could be if only he would change.

He's not going to change. But someday you might...

Big hugs. Be safe.

Abundance

Thank you so much everyone.... all of your support is so very helpful. I am at work right now and I want to bold all of the things that I needed to hear/read... but I'm going to have to do that later - as I have to concentrate on filling my appointments up for Thursday..... but thank you again so much.

I prayed so hard last night (and cried) - to give me strength. I can feel myself going back in the "me" zone.... and giving power to only what I can control - which is me. All of your words helps me so much!

Thank you xoxoxoxo

lightseeker

Abs,

This is a nasty disease. I mean the one that we have.....not even going there with their's. I so understand your posts and remember the "calm" that prevailed when I had a sense of control. It was all fake. TOTALLY. Everything that I thought made me feel better was actually my attempt to control the situation.

I am who I am today because of it though.....still a major work in progress. But today, after a lot of hard work - I don't attempt to control his addict behavior, I don't care if he works a program or goes to meetings, I'm through relying on him to be a partner. He flat out isn't capable in reality. It was all an illusion in my mind - even when I thought that he was acting as a partner. I, too, wanted to walk arm in arm into the recovery sunset....a case for the books. Oh - we are a case for the books alright but not the case that I invisioned. It can be done - but the only path that I have found that works is the one that I took on my own....recovery for me. I live with my husband but I don't count on him for anything. Not much of a relationship is it? Sometimes he comes through but it isn't the "consistant partnership" that I have always dreamed of. I romanced that concept and chose a man that absolutely is incapable of actually delivering it.

You are a smart woman and are very resilient.....keep posting...you are only sharing the drama that many of us share with you.

Love!

Abundance

LS -..... when you said "our disease"...... what a relief for you to have said that..... you are so right in all that you said! Thank you!

Here is a quick update....
Yesterday - I totally thought that he was on something last night because he had so much energy and it was as though he was a different person. So.. we agreed on him taking a drug test.... and it was negative! I asked him what it was then.... and that I didn't understand.... and he just said that he thinks that he is now out of the depression. I kept probing him with why he was.... what was it that triggered him out of it. If he isn't going to journal about it then at least he can mentally picture it..... and distinguish the transition and that there is one (ESPECIALLY WITHOUT USING DRUGS!!!) So - I see this as progress!!!!!!!!!! It's because he progressed with some work things and not feeling controlled by me with his prescribed drugs - like he has some personal power! Also - just cleaning up and feeling a bit more centered. He couldn't really put his thumb on it - but at least again - it's not drug use that got him out of his funk! Which I think is good good good!!!!! No - scratch that ------ it's GREAT!!!!!!!!!!

Also - I did yoga last night while my oldest was at Sylvan! And the mantra during much of it were things like... "let go..... when your mind is racing with busy thoughts you are not grounded .... do not have attachment to things outside of yourself..... etc." It was like an al-anon meeting combined with hot yoga!!!!!! THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!


Progress.......... NOT perfection!!! *wink!

Love ya!

xoxo

hello-kitty

I think true progress is achieved when we stop trying to control someones addiction and start focusing on our own issues with control.

BayAreaPhoenix

(((Abs)))

This control thing, in the name of "good and right and healthy" is a hard thing to let go of. Sounds like you are doing it! Good for you, and the yoga sounds great!

beegee

I am so sorry you are going through all this just when you thought you on top of it all. I think control is one of the hardest things we have to let go of and yet we feel the need to still control if we can thinking it helps. But out addicts are so smart and seem to be steps ahead of us. I wish you the power to stay strong and stay ahead of this. Bless you Abundance!

MrsMagoo

((((HUGS))))

Our tales are similiar. Our goals are the same. The outcome is almost always identical.

I hate this crap and I resent that my mind holds on to it like a steel trap and steals so much of my joy. I hate being on high alert at all times. Don't ya just want to relax sometimes??

Love you girl!