bella78

In a lot of the posts that I have been reading in the friends and family groups, I keep seeing advice to "leave", "just get out now", "is this the life you want?", "he won't be the same"... etc. And although I have thought and said these very things to myself several times, I want to believe that there is hope. I feel like loved ones who are recovering literally have a big scarlet letter "A" painted on them. Now after an almost 9 year relationship of which only the past 3 years were tumultuous. I don't believe that I'm being recklessly hopeful in thinking that things will be better... but, from what I see written to others asking for similar advice is that chances are it's hopeless and the best thing to do is cut your losses, learn from the experience, and move on.

I also realize that I have my own codie issues and I'm looking into getting help for that myself in dealing with control and trust issues, but I'm also looking for encouragement that there is still hope in sticking around and believing. Is there anyone on both ends of this relationship (significant others and RA's) who have actually overcome this?

thanks:praying

jerect

Bella,

I think there is always hope.. I still hope that my AH will get clean and work on his recovery.. so that we can have a marriage and a relationship.

As for leaving or staying.. it's honestly a decision that you have to make and no one here will judge you if you leave or stay. You have decide what you are willing and not willing to put up with and put those boundaries into place.

For the time being, work on you.. don't worry about the addict in your life because he is going to do what he is going to do. Work on your codie issues and the control issues.. (those are my big issues to so I know where you are coming from) As for the trust.. as long as he is using, you wont trust your addict and nor should you.. trust is probably the last thing that comes back and it has to be earned not given.

You may find that after awhile of working on you that leaving your ABF is a better option then staying.. but by then you will be long enough in your recovery that you will be comfortable with that descison.. Right now, you are not ready to leave and thats ok too.. People on here, me included give you the advice to run while you can because we know the hell of being in a relationship with an addict.. it's so much easier to get out of a relationship then it is to get out of a marriage.. though the hurt is still the same..

For right now, just for today.. work on Bella...

Stubborn1

Actions speak louder then words. If my AH was taking the steps to show me he was recovering then I might have hope. Sitting around waiting for a change is just insane. This is why it's a disease.

Alaia

Bella...I feel the same way. I even posted a topic with the exact same title about a year ago. There is no direct yes or no answer. Hugs to you. Stay strong and focus on yourself.

liesagain

The thing is addiction is A DISEASE that has NO CURE, it can be arrested but never cured.

The odds of permenant recovery are slim, not impossible just slim...........

Addiction is a disease that requires DAILY treatment (such as working a 12 step program)
those who are successful in their recovery live a daily life of honesty and a sincere desire to stay clean and are willing to go to ANY length to stay clean

those who are unable to commit to daily treatment of their disease are likely to repeat the symptoms of the disease~~~~using drugs

RELAPSE is common

I dont think people here are saying theres NO hope but maybe just want to share with you the very real view of life with an active addict

lightseeker

There is always hope and each situation is different. I agree that the only way through this (no matter what the addict does or doesn't do) is to work on yourself.....actually, it's been important to me to work on myself as hard as I wish that my husband would work on himself.

There are many bottoms that an addict has to find....the drug one, the alcohol one, the selfish one, the anger one, the judgement one, etc. We have to find our bottoms as well. My husband has been sober for 3+ years from a 20 year crack addiction. The 3 years have worn me slap out, hurt my health, led me to gain 40 pounds (stress eating), and have a shaky self esteem. And I work a program that includes meetings, a sponsor, daily contact with HP, and working the steps. I am on fumes with it all. My sober AH flits around the edges of recovery but quit participating actively in it after the 1st year. In the process he has taken my love that was strong and loyal and stomped it to shreads.....not much is left of those feelings and it is pretty much a "tolerating him" situation. I loved him with my heart and soul.....enough to stand beside him on this journey. I wish now that I had never answered his email (he was an old beau from the past and looked me up) in hind site. No matter how good things ever become, they will never be enough to make up for what I have gone through in this relationship.

I still have hope though that he might get "it" before I finally have the energy and finances to leave him. I feel sorry for him because he thinks that it is enough to not use. He's never dealt with the characteristics that led him to be an addict or the addicted thinking. To be truthful, he was a much nicer person when he was using.

Like I said, each situation is different. Life in a relationship with an addict (sober or not) can be frought with problems. I have seen people in recovery do well but it takes a lot of hard work and self examination on their part. Many people tire of it after a while - the meetings get boring and they take up a lot of time....so it is easy to slip away from it all.

Like I said - there is always hope and every situation is different. I'm not trying to tell you what to do or to cry about my sad tale of woe....just respond to the original question.

Hugs.

cassandra2

I still have hope. Even though I put my ADBF out 2 weeks ago I still believe a light will go on and he will get clean. At first I thought he would come out of it right away and by this time I thought he would be in treatment and begging for his family back. Not the case. In fact today I had to put my foot down even more. He wants his cake and eat it to and its to painful for me to continue like that.

I have been nice but what does he give in return? Nothing. He says he has an appointment to detox next month. Come on like its the hair salon. If he wanted it bad enough he would do. Ask anyone on here who is recovering and they will tell you that.
I have hope for today. I dont know what tomorrow will bring. I pray that he will get clean and be the man that I fell in love with but right now its not happening. Live for today is my thought.

I've read so many times on here that ACTIONS speak louder then words. If they want it as bad as you do they would be doing it. I have also learned about detaching myself from him as to shield my own heart. What I struggle with is trying to keep telling myself that it is not my fault and that only he can change it. And even if he did change TODAY there might not be a place for US anymore. It sucks and I dont want to be here but I am and I can only move forward.

Have hope for as long as you can but look at it this way when he goes through whatever he needs to ie: rock bottom, jail, hospital whatever, you might not be there. Because as much as it hurts now after all that it may be easier to just walk away. Dont get me wrong HOPE is all I have right now but I also know from reading here that that to may soon fade into a memory.

Freedom1990

My viewpoint isn't popular with many people I know, but it's how I live.

For me, hope is an emotion based on a potential future outcome.

I don't live that way. I have learned to replace hope with faith.

Hope got dashed on the rocks many times, and today I can't live with hinging an emotion to the future.

The two places that got me in the most trouble were yesterday and tomorrow in my brain.

All I have is today, the moment right in front of me.

I have long since given up hope that my 30 year old daughter will ever embrace recovery.

However I sleep well at nights because I have faith that a loving God has a plan for her just as he has had for me, and I stay out of God's way.

rozied

I think as long as there is life there is hope but its a very hard disease to deal with.
As you said work on your own recovery and stay with your boyfriend as long as you want to. If you ever get tired of what life with him entails you can always end the relationship then.

LynziDee

I believe there is hope, also! I have been married to my RAH for 14 years, which he was in active addiction for about 12 of those years. I sometimes wonder how I made it throught all of it, but I did!! But I will tell you, with the help of alanon, I can much better deal with life. I only wish I would have went to alanon meetings when I first realized my husband is an addict.

bella78

Thanks to all of you who responded.... I realize more and more that a lot of these insecurities are my own. Today when my bf picked me up from work he was so excited to see me and spend the evening together. But I had spent the entire time at work with thoughts of what he was like when he was using and what he had done to me during that time. When I saw him when he picked me up I exploded and started accusing him of using again - with out any valid evidence at all.
I can't seem to get over my mistrust. He's not working now and I know it is killing him and frustrating him but I create these imaginary scenarios in my mind where he gets down on himself and starts using again out of boredom and frustration... and thinking only negative things.... and when I see him I unleash all this as if it were real.
I need to try to be more positive for him and for my own sanity.
I know he is trying hard and my accusations are bringing him down as well as driving us apart. Him being out of work is a huge burden on both of us right now.

Thanks again everyone.

hugs.

liesagain

Alot of the negative thoughts and worry and fear come from us, issues in us.

In Alanon you can learn to work on those things for YOU

They say to remember the three c's we cant change them we cant control them and we cant cure them
and I believe that 100%

HOWEVER, I do believe that we can become their excuse to use~~~
when we accuse and they arent using it gives them the "reason" or resentment they just may need at that moment to say to themselves......well if she thinks I am I may as well

MIND you its only an excuse and truely nothing you can do will MAKE him use but if your still in the frame of mind that your searching for ways to "help" him or make things better for him, or trying to get him clean .................

you can look at it from this perspective and get help for yourself because in helping yourself in the long run your helping him too

bella78

I can't tell you how many times I've heard him say that by my accusations, he feels like I have no faith and why should he try so hard if I'm not going to believe him... which of course causes a cycle of me being suspicious and sart accusing all over again!

Oh the vicious cycle....
Is there an end in site? I want to believe that he really wants sobreity and to not be controlled by the pills... which is why once he was detoxed he was so positive and willing to do anything... I feel like my negativity is affecting him to the point of not wanting to try as hard.

And now I'm the one who needs help.

bella78

ps. now he doesn't want to talk to me or be around me for the rest of the night because I hurt him with my false accusations.

All the better because I have to write a midterm paper for my Graduate Class.... ugh.

liesagain

Your not "now the one who needs help"

addiction is a family disease it effects the entire family not just the addict.
The suggestion for you to get help is for you and for him.

You can benefit from learning a healthier way of interacting with him, and ways to take care of yourself.
Alanon isnt about getting people to leave the addicts its about helping you learn to cope with you, your feelings your reactions Alanon is less about them and more about us.

In the course of addiction often times we The loved ones develope coping mechanisms that are unhealthy for us and for the addict, we are merely doing the best we can in what is a difficult situation but the thing is unless and until we learn healthier ways to cope we are likely to contribute to our own pain as well as stand in the way of our addict seeking help.............

peace and best wishes for you

liesagain

hey from my experience ANY time my husband is defensive or reactive I'm usually right in my accussations in the first place

liesagain

when hes in a good place hes understanding of the reasons I would be worried and he does his best to reassure me ~~~~

may of us have that gut feeling with our addicts and so often we are right..........but I can usually confirm for myself just by how open honest and willing to discuss something he is.

And today when he's defensive or acts offended if I question him or react poorly to him for some reason I just tell myself I'm most likely right he most likely is using and that time will tell and I let it go. Because time always tells

hope213

i am the mom of an addict son. i have lost all the faith in my son but i still have hope. where there is life, there is hope. you can replace a husband but you can not replace a child. i will never give up hope. it is your choice if you choose to stay with your husband. if you give up hope you have nothing left anyway. prayers for u & for him.hugs,

bella78

I do need to find a better and different way of interacting with him because the way I have been approaching him is a very offensive and accusatory manner - automatically putting him on the defense.

I honestly can't say that I know for sure he is using... I think my thoughts and imagined scenarios I create as a result of the months of lies I endured have mad me a very skeptical and untrusting gf, quick to see anything as a lie and a sign of him using even if he's not... Which I feel like he is truly trying hard to prove to me that he is changing and I'm not getting past my own doubts.

He was never one to get high socially - he became addicted to oxy's and pain killers after a routine tooth extraction, however drugs are always around our friends, and he was so afraid of the withdrawl that that is why he continued.

I see him making progress in trying to stay away from those certain people where he can readily get his hands on whatever he wants and he has been trying hard to work out, eat right, and look for work again..... He seems to be making the progress not me.

So now, my next step, to add to my busy schedule of full-time job, Grad school, and a part time job on the weekends.... I need to find local al-anon meetings to help me overcome my own issues with his addiction.

I have no clue where to begin with this....

liesagain

you can find an alanon meeting guide online~~ usually....

you said your in grad school, many schools have support services and therapy if its needed maybe you could start there

good luck and best wishes