tanzanite

So my AD came home from a naranon meeting tonight (almost 30 days clean!) reeking of cigarette smoke. So, this probably isn't a big deal at this point, but I came unglued.

I'm angry at myself and everytime I lose my temper at her right now I feel like I'm giving her a relapse. Gosh am I a codie or what!?!?

She's got bad asthma, and I couldn't even count the number of times I've taken her to the ER for asthma emergency treatment in her life. She doesn't smoke, but since she's hanging around after the meeting with the other naranon folks, she is now compelled to smoke with them. The last thing she needs is a new addiction!

Also, she and her 2 year old baby live with me. I work full time, pay all the bills, she pays me nothing, and has taken over one bedroom and the living room. My only refuge is my bedroom, since I have no more living room to relax in. I feel taken advantage of beyond description.

I know I need to just shut up and not interfere with her path. I just detest cigarettes and their smell so I cannot have that smell in my home.

Well, now I've vented here and I'm feeling a bit better. I need to let it all go now and trust that she's on her path to her recovery, no matter how many twists and turns are on that path.

Thanks for listening.

BBD

I hear you T. Its your house and your allowing her and the baby to stay there. She should be happy and appreciate all that your doing. I. also keep my temper down with my son for fear of a releapse....after reading that I thought....what idiotcy!!!!!! If they are going to relapse~~~~they are!! We have no control over that just like we have no control over their getting better. I'm sorry your having a hard time but hopefully things will get better for you soon. Smiles, Bonnie

tanzanite

Thanks :-) I guess I really need to do alot more work. Now my crazy, crazy head is making me worried that she'll be doing other drugs with those folks she's smoking with.

It is so hard. She's my kid. She has a kid. The worry inside me is like a huge iron weight.

ctrom40

Good Morning,

Congratulation to your daughter for 30 days sober.

My RAD has also had asthma since diapers, and she was always sick with some upper respiratory infection as a child.

I remember when I went to visit her in rehab.
She was sitting in the lounge with her other rehab roomies.
Her coat was tossed on the couch, by the door leading out to the patio
(that was my first CSI clue - it was winter in Chicago)

After about 30 minutes into our visit, she looked at me and said.....
Hello, my name is Meghan..... and I smoke....
I am sorry that you don't like this, but I need to go have a cigarette....



I sat there for the 5 minutes that she was outside in the Chicago winter smoking and I thought....
OK, it beats the other addiction.

She does not smoke in front of me, in my car, in my house...
and she has almost 11 months clean..... she told me yesterday, that her goal is to try to quite smoking when she celebrates her one year sober birthday.
Good for her!

As a side note, my husband started smoking when he was 40 years old.
He also started smoking when he first tried to stop drinking and started AA.
He has been sober for 6 years...

I know it smells, I hate the smell....
but my motto, don't sweat the small stuff (as long as it remains small stuff)

The fact that she does not help you around the house, that's not small stuff.

Hugs,

Impurrfect

First of all, you are not going to make her relapse. I had to deal with a LOT of anger from my family after I had relapsed, but I got through it and I'm still clean (19 months today )

I smoke, although I don't have asthma. I smoked before my addiction, and have continued. Right now I have bronchitis, and am still smoking However, this has never led me to anything else. I, too, want to quit and actually tried to quit when I had one year clean, but was so irritable it was affecting my job (waiting tables) that I gave up.

I understand you don't want the smell in your house, so maybe ask her to take a shower as soon as she comes in? I wouldn't let her smoke in your house, as it's your house-your rules.

As far as her contributing while living there...either with $$ or cleaning up, would you accept this from her if she wasn't recovering from addiction? Part of our recovery from addiction is learning to be responsible.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

mooselips

My brother has always smoked since he was a teenager. Then he became addicted to Cocaine, and whatever else he could find. Still he smoked.
Then he quite using drugs, by attending meetings.

Then 5 years ago, he said I have one more addiction to ride myself of, and quit smoking.
One addiction at a time, he says.

I know smoking is, unfortunately a big stress reliever, which doesn't make it right, especially if you have asthma, but.....

I think perhaps in your case, it's the straw that broke the camels back. Maybe you and her can come up with a plan to look at her budget and see when she's planning on moving on?

Hugs....

justanothrdrunk

With the statewide smoking ban in effect in MN, folks aren't allowed to smoke in meetings here. At least I know of none where smoking is allowed.

I myself was a smoker many, many years ago. My smoking was limited to the occaisional cigar in the summer months (maybe 2 per month at the most).

And then I went to rehab again (3rd time) and started smoking. Now I'm at almost a pack a day again.

All of my recovery friends smoke (truly 100% of my close friends). And we all talk about quitting. But we all pretty much agree that in order to quit we would all have to quit together.

How this applies to your situation, I have no idea. Just thought I would share that.

freshstart

As an addict who has been addicted to almost every substance I tried my family is glad to have me as just a smoker. I realize it's bad for my health. I dont' smoke inside. Not even in my own house. I don't smoke with my daughter in my car. But I do smoke. Because I smoke cigarettes with people outside the meeting halls doesn't mean we are using. Please don't jump to that conclusion. Would be a different story if she reeked of weed. It's all about respect in my mind. I respect non smokers and smokers alike when I'm smoking.

littlebird77

She is going to Naranon or NA? As far as the smoking, a lot of people smoke at these meetings. I lost a family friend (50 years old) my grandfather to smoking. It is a real hard thing to watch. My ABF smokes and I would take that over dope any day. I figure one day, one thing at a time. (But on a side note, he is in jail and can't smoke at all HAHA!) anyway... I mentioned in many threads and you can see me growing on this board through my past threads, but I bought the book Codependent No More, and I am really learning a lot.... In regards to her not contributing to the household. Tell her that you need help... She needs to get a job... Anything, I know a problem I have is that I look too far in advance... She doesn't need to get a full career, this will come in time. A job that will help. While I was cleaning myself up, I was cleaning houses. The physical activity kept me in shape and not talking to anyone made me think about myself and what I wanted in life.

caileesnana

I know how you feel! Glad for her 11 months, she is doing great!!
susan

tanzanite

Thank you all. It is so hard for me to put everything into perspective. I know that the smoking is infinitely better than using drugs and I have to remember that. I apologized to her last night, which led us to have a very emotional conversation that didn't really end in a satisfactory fashion. But, she mostly told me to make sure I get to meetings and do some step work. She is working so hard, I know I need to, also.

Trust is so hard. Worry is so strong. My emotions are raw and right now I have that "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling, and feel that if there's one more challenge in front of me, I just might go over the edge.

I feel really bad, though, for getting on her case and really losing it, and I told her so. I hope she can understand. She's very self-focused right now, and told me she cannot help me or "hear" my issues at all. I understand that and want her to stay focused on her reccovery.

Thanks again to you all. I appreciate your input very, very much.

marle

My daughter started smoking about a year ago. Smoking and addiction seems to go hand in hand. She also has severe asthma. She was hospitalized twice last winter due to her asthma, snorting heroin, smoking crack and cigarettes. She also was not taking her meds because buying drugs was more important. She is clean today but still smokes. She wants to quit but she is finding it difficult. I do not buy cigarettes for her anymore because she is working. She is finding the habit expensive and since she is dating a boy that does not smoke, she is finding the habit smelly and disgusting too. I know she will quit when she is ready. I guess I would say set boundaries. If you don't want it in your house, then tell her to take it elsewhere. Don't buy her cigarettes if that is against your principles. It is your choice to support her habit or not. But I would definitely say smoking is infinitely preferable to using Hugs, Marle

outtolunch

My AD, age 20, is also a smoker. It goes with the territory. It's her choice and her consequence. I think cost will be the greatest motivator to quitting, in time.

hope213

set your boundry when it comes to smoking in your house. as far as smoking i understand why u do not want her to but the same applies. there is nothing you can do. her life, her choice.