KariSue

My husband and I have my addict son, his wife and our 2 grandchildren living with us.

Just last night his wife saw him doing drugs. We had told him that if we found out he was doing them then he would have to leave. Since it was kind of late last night we told him to leave but he slept in his car in the driveway.

The just turned 3 year old we can distract and tell her anything but what about the 9 year old sensitive grandson? He also happened to see daddy sleeping in the car. We are a bit in shock ourselves over all this and on the spur of the moment couldn't think of what to say. We just kind of laughed and said we wondered why he slept in the car. Wasn't that silly?

BUT until things straighten out, we're not sure what is the best thing to tell him. He can't sleep in the car tonight so I don't know where he will go. Also, I do child care in my home so as much as some truth might be appropriate, I don't want my grandson inadvertently saying something in front of daycare parents.

How do you explain where daddy is?

Thanks, KariSue

littlebird77

I know when I was a kid and my drank, I knew a lot more then what I let be known... I would say something along the lines of... Daddy has a sickness that he needs to get better from when he wants to. He is sleeping someplace else until he does.... The reason I think saying that he has a sickness that he can get better from is to not scare the kids that daddy has a sickness that he could die from. Though we know that this is a sickness that can kill. I think stressing that daddy needs to want to get better is a better path to go right now....

marle

I really have no experience with this but I will send prayers your way that you find just the right words to tell the grandchildren. Hugs, Marle

SistersHelp

We are struggling with this same issue with our niece whose mother is suffering from addiction. The problem we have is that the mother feeds her daughter lies and her daughter believes them. We are in the position of having to either contradict her, basically call her mother a liar, or to say nothing and let her believe what she wants to believe. It's an extremely delicate and precarious situation. We are trying to handle it by saying things like, "We don't agree with your mom's choices right now," and "We want your mom to get better so she can take care of you," and hoping these allow her to retain what she needs, which is to love her mom. Sometimes we also say, "We just can't talk about this with you right now," which is hard, but occasionally necessary.

The other thing I'm learning is that when you are open about addiction you find out that nearly everyone has someone in their family who's struggling with it. It's frighteningly common. You'd probably find out that the parents of the kids in your care have had some similar experiences. Since you are doing the right thing and keeping the children from being exposed to it, they'd have no cause to mistrust you.

All the best. I hope things go well for you.

Ann

Children are smarter than we give them credit for and I think that telling them the truth as kindly as we can and in a way appropriate for their age not only helps them with their fear and confusion, but it opens the door for them to talk about this when they need to.

Children need to express their fears, their sadness, and their concerns too...even though it makes us uncomfortable sometimes.

It's always the children who touch my heart, they truly are the innocent victims of all this. God bless the child.

Hugs

frankly

I agree with Ann. I realize your concerns about the other parents, but first things first. 8 years old is a critical age. They are old enough to know right from wrong, they hear more than you will ever know, they see things that even you don't see, and they are silent, left to figure out what's going on. So when an adult tries to "shield" them from the truth, they come up with their own answers, maybe it's my fault, maybe if I did better then...., maybe I'll have to leave too if I'm not good.... you get the idea.

But when you talk to them and give them a chance to ask questions, then you really help them feel secure again and you set a wonderful example of honesty, even if it is unconfortable.

Just my thoughts, use anything you can and leave the rest, because ultimately only you will know what is best.

Sending hugs and prayers
B

outtolunch

Does your DIL have any input into this?

Callie

We told our kids that AH had some problems that he needed to work through. We also told them that AH made some bad choices and he needed to think things through. I'd talked with a child psychologist about this and we both talked about the whole "sickness thing." For me personally, I didn't want to tell the kids daddy was "sick" but not living with us. I felt that it could be viewed in their eyes that mommy left daddy when he was sick. Like I wouldn't stand beside him if he had a cold or the flu or even cancer. I had a thread here a month or so ago that I will bump for you. Lots of varying opinions, but helpful to me.

SistersHelp

I just remembered something else that struck a chord with me when talking to a social worker about parenting children who are separated from a parent. She said it's important to remember that the children have a different relationship with the addict than you have and so it's important to keep those two relationships apart and respect their differences. Her specific example was that a wife may feel betrayed by her husband if he has an affair. He may be a bad husband. But that doesn't mean he's a bad father. I've been using that to guide me when I think about how to talk to my niece about her mother. I try to keep my frustrations and disappointments around my sister to myself and let my niece form her own conclusions about her relationship with her mother. She's eleven years old and still really needs to believe what her mother says, even though it frequently isn't true. I bite my tongue a lot and try to give her honest answers to her questions that only reflect things she needs to know and that she can understand.

It's sure not easy. More good wishes coming your way.

KariSue

She was kind of stumped as to how to handle it so I told her I would ask here.

KariSue

KariSue

Thank you so much everyone!

Now I'm even more confused than ever.

It has given me a lot of options though. I'll be thinking about it and seeing what my DIL and everybody else wants to do. So far, at least, we've all been on the same page with everything to do with this. I'm grateful for that anyway.

Things have changed since I first posted. Don't they always with addicts? My son decided to seek treatment. He has said that before but this time he is on the way there, as I type, with my husband. I know they don't always do well but am hoping for the best.

KariSue

KariSue

Thanks! I would really like to read it.

KariSue

Stubborn1

My son is eight and not stupid so I had to explain with a bit more detail. I believe my son does not need to know graphic details and does not need to know all our adult issues.
I explained that his father is sick from something called alcoholism. I explained it and used tv as my analogy. I said "pretend you had to go without your tv, could you do it? Could you stop watching it even if you knew it was bad for you? Could you stop watching it even if it meant you wouldn't see mommy again?" I let him know that even though his daddy loves him very VERY much that it was something that was hard for daddy to quit doing. I let him know that it was my job as his mommy to protect him and his heart from things that daddy might do or say. I let him know that he might get mad at me or his heart might hurt and that it was ok.
I gave him a journal and encourage him to write down his feelings and let him know it was ONLY his journal for his thoughts.
I allow my husband to talk to them with stipulations. No talking to them at night (sober hours). Husband and I do not say anything bad or degrading about one another.
We pray for my husband together.
I let him know that I did not know if daddy would get better but no matter what he will always love him and want the best for him.

After time my husband sat down with me and my son and said the same things. My husband apologized to my son for any heartache and said he was trying.

No matter what I do, I will NEVER allow my son to see his father in his addiction. I will never talk bad about him in front of my children.

If you want to know anymore you can pm me. This is something we talk about alot. It's not something you say once and never talk about. It's also not something you want to constantly talk about either. You have to find a nice median

Allow your g'child to write letters to his father, speak to his father or you could even fake emails but do not severe all ties especially if they are close.
Good luck hun. I know it's so hard.

hello-kitty

When dealing with my child, I try to use the following poem as a guide to my decision making. My son is only 3, but I already know I will tell him the truth about his father, when he asks and when he is ready for it. But not before. Right now, my son (who is 3) knows that daddy is sick and has a lot of problems. I tell him he can't be here right now but he loves him very much. I think when my son gets a little bit older I will elaborate by saying what Tracy says. I like that - alot.

I also ALWAYS tell my son that it's mommy's job to take care of him and that I will never leave. Even if I get sick or have problems, he is and always will be the most important thing in the world to me.

whyme1234

My kids are 4 and 5. I am struggling with this also. Right now their dad/my husband is in rehab for cocaine and alchohol.

They think their dad is at 'camp' getting help with his sleeping issues. ( thats the best I could come up with on short notice )

They are clueless to the addiction .. so was I until about a month ago.

I feel like telling them more of the truth ( or my 5 year old son anyway..whos really on the ball and just 'gets it". ) but not sure it thats the wrong thing to do. How much can 4 and 5 year olds handle?

I teach my kids that lying is wrong, so I feel bad 'lying' to them!

hello-kitty

My son is three. Did you read what I posted above?

I think your kids could understand "sick and trying to recover". (It would even go along with the sleep problems so you wouldn't have to explain why you didn't tell the truth in the first place. His sickness makes it so he can't sleep.)

Those are the exact words I use with my son - sick and recover. I think my son needs to know anymore than that at this point, especially specifically about cocaine or street drugs.

I have started thinking about saying that daddy takes medicines that are bad for him (since my son knows about tylenol etc.). But I don't think my son is ready for that yet. I think that is too much for a 3 year old.

My son is more focused on when is daddy coming back rather than what is he sick with. And using the word "recovery" sets the stage for talk about addiction when they are older... or if he relapses....

hello-kitty

My son is still waiting and hoping his daddy will come back. :-( He has only seen his dad once in the last year. One time I tried to explain that he might not come back and he got so mad at me. He flew off the handle defending him. It taught me a lesson to choose my words wisely. My poor baby is going to have to learn that lesson on his own.