JMFburns

Thank you to all for responding with encouragement, experiences and prayers of support. I can't thank you enough for the warm feeling that flows through me as I read each and every response.

I'm feeling moments of serenity along with the knot in my chest. I do not think it is a physical problem, more an emotional feeling of panic and desperation. That I'm gripping at my life soooo hard, trying to control things - I see this pole running straight up through my body - that is my insides and I am just gripping it with both fists, white knuckled, right behind my breast bone. Trying to keep myself from falling completely apart. I pray that God will help to losen my grip, if I losen my grip he can get inside and support me.

Many have asked what I am afraid of if I say "no". And to be honest, I'm having a hard time pinpointing any one thing. I think it is more just the unknown . . . the big "what if" . . . what will happen if I change the routine??? I know that is pathetic, but sadly how I feel.

I'm trying my hardest to visualize myself being constantly surrounded by STRONG, support every where I go. (Like when you see the president walking and he is surrounded by Secret Service?) I am trying to imagine that I am surrounded by recovery Secret Service, all of you and the members of my AlAnon and NarAnon groups all crowded around me.

beegee

JMF,
You said you were afraid of what he would do if you said no. Well, lets see what can he do, walk away from you, not talk to you, call you a few nasty names. I think most of us have gone through that just having kids.
They know your buttons and they push them.
So he decided to punish you and not talk for a few weeks. \Or he calls you a few nasty names that he knows will make you cry because deep inside he is hoping that you will change your mind and give him his posion.
If you had a daughter and found out she was handing over her money to her bf wouldn't you tell her listen honey you don't give guys money, he is just using you. She would stop and he would either walk away or get a job and make her respect him.....
You son needs to know your not that easy touch, sure it will uset him at first but do you think he won't talk to you forever? Read the posts here. They all talk again sooner or later, you can handle that. You can do it if you really want to just make up your mind to.
How are you going to feel if you give him money and the next day you hear he is gone from OD. That will hurt you much worse won't it? So make the decision now while it only involves him getting angry with you, he will be back but you will have more inner strength and believe in yourself more. Cause your gonna see he will be back. Who else will he turn to?
Try sweetie cause you have nothing to lose only everything to gain.
And were all here to talk with you and pull you along.. ((HUGS)))):ghug