Advice for a friend
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Edmonton, AB, Canada
Posts: 14
Advice for a friend
Hello all!
I last posted at the end of February, and have spent a lot of time recovering from crackhell.
I had last written about how my exCH was getting ready to leave the mental hospital and I couldn't cope with it....
The unfortunate thing is this CH has an amazing stronghold on people...I had already hit what I like to consider my bottom in the relationship with him (a suicide attempt) and yet, I was still visiting him frequently and behaving as though we were in a relationship. The only thing that I didn't allow was sex, cuz well...trust.
He couldn't cope with the lack of sex, and less than a week out of the hospital, he had a new girlfriend. I was enraged, the day before he had spilled his usual spiels about how he'll never get over me blahblahblah, and here he was with a new girlfriend...they had been talking for some time.
I'm actually very greatful to this girl, she saved me from getting back deeper in with him. But he was sick of me anyways, once i figured him out, i was no use to him. I was so angry at him, that I was finally strong enough to not speak to him, and therefore was no longer hypnotized by his words
I did feel incredibly sorry for the new girl though. She looked very nice, very pretty, and looked as though she came from a well off family (facebook is a wonder). I agonized over what I could and should do for awhile...I knew he'd make me out to be a liar, but I know I suffered enough for several lifetimes, and didnt want anyone else to go through that. And unfortunately, he's an amazing liar, so he could get away with a lot with her. Finally, I wrote her an email. I told her I didn't want to break them up, but i just thought she should know. I even linked my previous posts as a back up kind of, something to say I'm for real, and not some jealous ex. At that time, all I knew was that he became very angry with me (secrets out!) but I hoped someday she would mull over it.
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. Out of the blue, i recieve a phone call from her. I was suspicious at first, because my exCH was infamous for games, and that's not what I wanted to get involved with. She told me she just needed someone to talk to, and so we hit it off on the phone, and ended up comparing stories. Seems like everything that had happened to me had happened to her with some mild variations. He would say the same things, attempt to use the same pet names....EVERYTHING.
I've felt like her sponsor for the last two weeks. She would call me when she was feeling tempted to talk to him and get back together with him, so I would just spout more truths...They had been broken up all of 2 days before he found another girl...It felt good to help her out, make her laugh, and push some inner strength into her. Currently she's talking to him again (his voice is his poison) and he's trying to convince her to get back together...she's having a hard time with this. Unfortunately, I've been lost as to what to tell her, except that its detrimental to her health, he's abusive, and a sociopath. She acknowledges all of these things and yet still talks to him, with these ideas floating in the background...She still calls me and asks for advice, and someone to talk to, as I'm the only person that really truly understands EXACTLY what she's going through. I don't want her to have to go through what I have...over a year of hell, she's at less than 6 mths now.
Next week she is planned to come to my birthday dinner, where my mom will be present, and will be saying a few things hehe...
Is there any other advice you can give me?? All I want is for her to not go through what I went through, and only she can change that. Obviously he'll never change....
I last posted at the end of February, and have spent a lot of time recovering from crackhell.
I had last written about how my exCH was getting ready to leave the mental hospital and I couldn't cope with it....
The unfortunate thing is this CH has an amazing stronghold on people...I had already hit what I like to consider my bottom in the relationship with him (a suicide attempt) and yet, I was still visiting him frequently and behaving as though we were in a relationship. The only thing that I didn't allow was sex, cuz well...trust.
He couldn't cope with the lack of sex, and less than a week out of the hospital, he had a new girlfriend. I was enraged, the day before he had spilled his usual spiels about how he'll never get over me blahblahblah, and here he was with a new girlfriend...they had been talking for some time.
I'm actually very greatful to this girl, she saved me from getting back deeper in with him. But he was sick of me anyways, once i figured him out, i was no use to him. I was so angry at him, that I was finally strong enough to not speak to him, and therefore was no longer hypnotized by his words
I did feel incredibly sorry for the new girl though. She looked very nice, very pretty, and looked as though she came from a well off family (facebook is a wonder). I agonized over what I could and should do for awhile...I knew he'd make me out to be a liar, but I know I suffered enough for several lifetimes, and didnt want anyone else to go through that. And unfortunately, he's an amazing liar, so he could get away with a lot with her. Finally, I wrote her an email. I told her I didn't want to break them up, but i just thought she should know. I even linked my previous posts as a back up kind of, something to say I'm for real, and not some jealous ex. At that time, all I knew was that he became very angry with me (secrets out!) but I hoped someday she would mull over it.
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. Out of the blue, i recieve a phone call from her. I was suspicious at first, because my exCH was infamous for games, and that's not what I wanted to get involved with. She told me she just needed someone to talk to, and so we hit it off on the phone, and ended up comparing stories. Seems like everything that had happened to me had happened to her with some mild variations. He would say the same things, attempt to use the same pet names....EVERYTHING.
I've felt like her sponsor for the last two weeks. She would call me when she was feeling tempted to talk to him and get back together with him, so I would just spout more truths...They had been broken up all of 2 days before he found another girl...It felt good to help her out, make her laugh, and push some inner strength into her. Currently she's talking to him again (his voice is his poison) and he's trying to convince her to get back together...she's having a hard time with this. Unfortunately, I've been lost as to what to tell her, except that its detrimental to her health, he's abusive, and a sociopath. She acknowledges all of these things and yet still talks to him, with these ideas floating in the background...She still calls me and asks for advice, and someone to talk to, as I'm the only person that really truly understands EXACTLY what she's going through. I don't want her to have to go through what I have...over a year of hell, she's at less than 6 mths now.
Next week she is planned to come to my birthday dinner, where my mom will be present, and will be saying a few things hehe...
Is there any other advice you can give me?? All I want is for her to not go through what I went through, and only she can change that. Obviously he'll never change....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Just be a friend to her. Just like no one could have told you to get out any sooner than you were ready to, you can't make her do what would be a healthier choice for her. We all have to travel our own path and she will get there too. Maybe suggest this or another forum for her to go to to help her understand addiction. Maybe you could suggest the two of you finding a Nar-anon or Ala-non meeting that you could go to together. It may just help both of you. Hugs, Marle
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