Brand new at all this
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: southern Illinois
Posts: 2
Brand new at all this
August 26th my family's lives changed forever after my 18 year old son was arrested after being stopped for speeding.
He was ticketed for speeding, charged with a DUI (drugs), and charged with a class 3 felony for possession of cannabis with intent to distribute. The intent to distribute was based on the amount he had in his possession. He could face 2-5 years in prison or 30 months probation plus a huge fine. He was taken to the neighboring county's Detention Center where he remains. He had his first court appearance the last Friday of August where charges were read and bail was set.
Though this was his first offense, my wife and I made the decision not to post bail. As a parent that was a tough but necessary step we had to take. He won’t be coming home for awhile. We are learning way more than we ever wanted to learn about prison life, court etiquette & lingo, and the like.
We suspected something was up but had no concrete proof. I had searched his car and his room to no avail. Right after graduation he moved into an apartment with a high school buddy for a couple of months before he ran out of money and had to come home. There were many nights he never came home. He was spending them with a new friend we never met. When I discovered the friend's full name I had my contacts check him out and found an extensive Juvie record as well as an adult record.
All my son told us about him was he was 22 and has lived on his own since he was 14. I also discovered two weeks ago that my son’s car had been searched by the local law enforcement when his new friend was borrowing his car.
A week before his arrest I confronted my son with this information and he just laughed it off. (The arrogance of youth) Then came the phone call at 8:43pm on August 26th that changed all our lives forever. I can’t say I was surprised. The DEA official who spoke with me on the phone said my son had been using for some time. There were many unanswered questions that I had for my son.
After his arrest, I had the opportunity for an exhaustive search and uncovered evidence of prior usage. I had an opportunity to get some answers yesterday after his court appearance setting his pre-trial and trial dates. He told me he had been "smoking weed" since February and using cocaine since June.
He put on quite an emotional show for us about how he's changed and wants to come home to be able to rebuild our trust during his last couple of months of possible freedom. He almost had us convinced since it just devastates us to have him in jail. We discussed the need for him to enter a drug rehab program to which he sealed his fate by saying "that'd be a waste of his time and of our money" since he has no problem. ugggggg
We called a couple of friends who've experienced this road personally and as parents. They laughed that knowing laugh as we recounted our conversation with our son. They shared that his response was classic addict behavior. It was almost as if I could have called them and said "Tell me what my son told us today" and they could have repeated every word. Unreal!
Another previously unknown (by us) court fact...If the person you bail out skips out, you not only lose what you paid but are on the hook for the entire balance. Yikes! We are already anticipating paying off a car we'll never see.
We have another son who is 15 who feels betrayed by his big brother.
My wife feels like a “sucker” for believing our addicted son's lies all Summer.
I feel hurt, betrayed, and angry. I grieve the loss of the son I knew.
There is so much more that I’m just too tired to continue writing.
I am a pastor and am at a loss as to what to even pray for other than for God's very best and for all of us to receive the grace to endure and persevere whatever that has to be.
He was ticketed for speeding, charged with a DUI (drugs), and charged with a class 3 felony for possession of cannabis with intent to distribute. The intent to distribute was based on the amount he had in his possession. He could face 2-5 years in prison or 30 months probation plus a huge fine. He was taken to the neighboring county's Detention Center where he remains. He had his first court appearance the last Friday of August where charges were read and bail was set.
Though this was his first offense, my wife and I made the decision not to post bail. As a parent that was a tough but necessary step we had to take. He won’t be coming home for awhile. We are learning way more than we ever wanted to learn about prison life, court etiquette & lingo, and the like.
We suspected something was up but had no concrete proof. I had searched his car and his room to no avail. Right after graduation he moved into an apartment with a high school buddy for a couple of months before he ran out of money and had to come home. There were many nights he never came home. He was spending them with a new friend we never met. When I discovered the friend's full name I had my contacts check him out and found an extensive Juvie record as well as an adult record.
All my son told us about him was he was 22 and has lived on his own since he was 14. I also discovered two weeks ago that my son’s car had been searched by the local law enforcement when his new friend was borrowing his car.
A week before his arrest I confronted my son with this information and he just laughed it off. (The arrogance of youth) Then came the phone call at 8:43pm on August 26th that changed all our lives forever. I can’t say I was surprised. The DEA official who spoke with me on the phone said my son had been using for some time. There were many unanswered questions that I had for my son.
After his arrest, I had the opportunity for an exhaustive search and uncovered evidence of prior usage. I had an opportunity to get some answers yesterday after his court appearance setting his pre-trial and trial dates. He told me he had been "smoking weed" since February and using cocaine since June.
He put on quite an emotional show for us about how he's changed and wants to come home to be able to rebuild our trust during his last couple of months of possible freedom. He almost had us convinced since it just devastates us to have him in jail. We discussed the need for him to enter a drug rehab program to which he sealed his fate by saying "that'd be a waste of his time and of our money" since he has no problem. ugggggg
We called a couple of friends who've experienced this road personally and as parents. They laughed that knowing laugh as we recounted our conversation with our son. They shared that his response was classic addict behavior. It was almost as if I could have called them and said "Tell me what my son told us today" and they could have repeated every word. Unreal!
Another previously unknown (by us) court fact...If the person you bail out skips out, you not only lose what you paid but are on the hook for the entire balance. Yikes! We are already anticipating paying off a car we'll never see.
We have another son who is 15 who feels betrayed by his big brother.
My wife feels like a “sucker” for believing our addicted son's lies all Summer.
I feel hurt, betrayed, and angry. I grieve the loss of the son I knew.
There is so much more that I’m just too tired to continue writing.
I am a pastor and am at a loss as to what to even pray for other than for God's very best and for all of us to receive the grace to endure and persevere whatever that has to be.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In
Posts: 561
Hello my 22yr old daughter is the addict in my life. Sorry for the reasons that brought you here but you've came to the right place. There are lots of wonderful people here that understand how you feel an can offer some great advice. I'm not one of them 
but welcome to SR I'm sure others who are wiser than me will be along shortly.
but welcome to SR I'm sure others who are wiser than me will be along shortly.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Welcome and I"m so sorry you have to be here. But this place is a WEALTH of knowledge. You did the RIGHT thing by not bailing him out. He needs to suffer the consequences RIGHT now at this early age so hopefully he can turn his life around. If anything, at least in jail he's safe and getting clean. Read the stickies at the top they are so helpful. Especially the ones about what an addict thinks.
I think your prayer is spot on. To endure and persevere whatever is coming. The feelings that you and your family have are completely normal. Don't believe ANYTHING your AS (addict son) is saying right now. Addicts can convince you that the sky is red.
I think your prayer is spot on. To endure and persevere whatever is coming. The feelings that you and your family have are completely normal. Don't believe ANYTHING your AS (addict son) is saying right now. Addicts can convince you that the sky is red.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome to SR. Mom here of an addict daughter 22. Her drug of choice is heroin and after a long 3 years of learning to let go and let God, she finally entered rehab in May and now has 103 days clean. Took a lot of pain for me to let go. Don't feel badly for believing the lies. We love our children and sometimes we need to live in denial until we are ready emotionally to face the truth. Sorry that the truth was thrust on you so abruptly. That must have been tough to face. Stick around and read, post, vent, whatever helps you. Hugs, Marle
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Welcome. I am sorry for why you are here but so glad you have come here. There are so many parents who could have written so many parts of your post. I know not bailing your son out must have been incredibly difficult, but you truly are doing the best thing...You may even have saved his life. Unfortunately I believed far too often the types of stories and excuses your son told you and played the enabling game far too long. I kept thinking this time my child had learned her lesson. Addiction isn't that easy.
I found that learning all I could about addiction - and how it is a family disease since it impacts all, was a good first step. Reaching out, as you are doing, to others who have been on this journey helped in so many ways. And finally, attending Alanon and Naranon helped me to understand what I could control (me and my actions and reactions) and how powerless I was to control my child's addiction.
Sometimes my prayers are simply for God to help me understand his will and guide me to do what I have to do with compassion and love.
There is hope. My daughter found her way when she was ready, and after she had to face some serious consequences. She now has a great job, continues with schooling, has great relationships and is the daughter I knew before plus someone so much more wise and loving and giving. She works a strong program and is a joy to be around.
Prayers that this lesson helps your son to get back on track.
I found that learning all I could about addiction - and how it is a family disease since it impacts all, was a good first step. Reaching out, as you are doing, to others who have been on this journey helped in so many ways. And finally, attending Alanon and Naranon helped me to understand what I could control (me and my actions and reactions) and how powerless I was to control my child's addiction.
Sometimes my prayers are simply for God to help me understand his will and guide me to do what I have to do with compassion and love.
There is hope. My daughter found her way when she was ready, and after she had to face some serious consequences. She now has a great job, continues with schooling, has great relationships and is the daughter I knew before plus someone so much more wise and loving and giving. She works a strong program and is a joy to be around.
Prayers that this lesson helps your son to get back on track.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Hi Beeson2k,
Welcome to SR. I'm so glad you've found this place for there is such great support here along with some very wise folks. I am the mother of a recovering, addicted, 26 yr old daughter. She is clean and sober today, if only for today, and both she and I take life one day at a time.
I do think you did your son a favor by leaving him in jail. For too long we enabled (I thought it was "helping") our daughter and saved her when we really should have let her suffer the consequences of her actions. And no, I don't think consequences will get anyone clean or sober, but they sure do get a person's attention and might help them get to their bottom quicker.
I felt like you were writing my story when you talked of your other son feeling betrayed ... my other daughter did, too. I, like your wife, was so angry for being duped ... being the sucker. And no one was more angry, fearful, guilty, and hurt than I was. Yes, it is a family disease.
Mine and my husband's lives began to take a turn for the better after we started attending Al Anon meetings. I read here a lot, also, and received great support from some wonderful folks who had some strong recovery. They were making it and I wanted what they had, so I watched them and then put into practice some of their ideas. I also attended (and still do attend) open AA and NA meetings to hear speakers. Educating yourself about addiction is very important so you will know what true recovery looks like.
Please remember the 3C's: You didn't CAUSE your son's addiciton, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it. Al Anon and this board taught me that and so much more. What you can control is you and how you react or don't react. That was a huge eye opener for me for I always reacted, always thought I had to do something. Recovery has taught me that sometimes the best thing for me to do is nothing, to step back and give my daughter the chance to learn what she needs to learn. Before recovery, I would always get involved in her life, trying to keep her from falling. I now know I only prolonged the inevitable.
There is hope for better days. I found it through the 12 step program which is nothing but a spiritual program in itself. I hope you can find a meeting in your area and attend.
My prayers for your son and your family. And hope to see you around some more.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Welcome to SR. I'm so glad you've found this place for there is such great support here along with some very wise folks. I am the mother of a recovering, addicted, 26 yr old daughter. She is clean and sober today, if only for today, and both she and I take life one day at a time.
I do think you did your son a favor by leaving him in jail. For too long we enabled (I thought it was "helping") our daughter and saved her when we really should have let her suffer the consequences of her actions. And no, I don't think consequences will get anyone clean or sober, but they sure do get a person's attention and might help them get to their bottom quicker.
I felt like you were writing my story when you talked of your other son feeling betrayed ... my other daughter did, too. I, like your wife, was so angry for being duped ... being the sucker. And no one was more angry, fearful, guilty, and hurt than I was. Yes, it is a family disease.
Mine and my husband's lives began to take a turn for the better after we started attending Al Anon meetings. I read here a lot, also, and received great support from some wonderful folks who had some strong recovery. They were making it and I wanted what they had, so I watched them and then put into practice some of their ideas. I also attended (and still do attend) open AA and NA meetings to hear speakers. Educating yourself about addiction is very important so you will know what true recovery looks like.
Please remember the 3C's: You didn't CAUSE your son's addiciton, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it. Al Anon and this board taught me that and so much more. What you can control is you and how you react or don't react. That was a huge eye opener for me for I always reacted, always thought I had to do something. Recovery has taught me that sometimes the best thing for me to do is nothing, to step back and give my daughter the chance to learn what she needs to learn. Before recovery, I would always get involved in her life, trying to keep her from falling. I now know I only prolonged the inevitable.
There is hope for better days. I found it through the 12 step program which is nothing but a spiritual program in itself. I hope you can find a meeting in your area and attend.
My prayers for your son and your family. And hope to see you around some more.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((((beeson2k))))))
Welcome! You sound like a very level headed person. I know your position must make this so hard. It sounds like you are doing the right thing for yourselves an your son. I hope you can stay strong and not give into him he needs to make the choice to get clean on his own and he can do that in jail. I know for a fact that there are people going to jails all over the country to lend a helping hand to people who want to get clean.
The Serenity Prayer is a good one to keep in mind when thinking about your son and his situation:
God:
grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Stay strong and remember God has your son.
Welcome! You sound like a very level headed person. I know your position must make this so hard. It sounds like you are doing the right thing for yourselves an your son. I hope you can stay strong and not give into him he needs to make the choice to get clean on his own and he can do that in jail. I know for a fact that there are people going to jails all over the country to lend a helping hand to people who want to get clean.
The Serenity Prayer is a good one to keep in mind when thinking about your son and his situation:
God:
grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Stay strong and remember God has your son.
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Hi and welcome to SR,
I am a mother of an AS. Although he's been down the coke road, and was starting into smoking heroin before a short stint in rehab, his drug of choice these days is pot. He also got arrested for possession with the intent to distribute. He cried and begged for help. Swore he would do whatever I asked if I would bail him out. I thought I would be violently ill as the pain was so deep. but I couldn't do it. Mostly because I was afraid to lose everything. Because of past practices, I didn't trust him. If I had the money in a bank I probably but foolishly, would have done it. He was truly scared at the time. It was his first offense. But After he got out on his own R and R, the fear went away and the attitude came back and he started to try and get me to pay for a lawyer. But again, I couldn't enable this time, I knew he had to see this through on his own. So now he is on felony probation for 18 months. since he is still in that lifestyle, it probably will be revoked and the felony will be permanent. But I do know that he knows now his choices are his responsibility.
I also had that feeling you have where you see your whole life pass before your eyes. You see your son's life like a fast forward movie and you see him from babyhood to adulthood and you don't know what happened. Then you look to the future and it looks so dark that you start the grieving process.
This disease has no reason. It has no income or social status boundaries. It hits so many of us.
I remember the anger from deceit, the hopelessness that had me curled up in a ball, and the anxiety and fear that made me want to do as much damage control as I could, hoping it would all end, he would see the light, and we could put it behind. It happens that way to a few, but not to me.
It is a road your family will have to walk. I had to also.
But through it I learned I have strength, wisdom and compassion I never knew was possible.
Thank God you have good friends and you are researching all of this because you are right, you could lose your house if you post bail and use it as collateral.
You have a chance to do this right the first time, unlike me, I tried to fix it a few times before I realized I was making it easier for him to go back to denial, and to continue down that path.
your son's road might look different than yours right now, things happen when they do for a reason, and you can't force him into recovery.
But you can work on the rest of the family's recovery.
Al-anon and Nar-anon were my life support for awhile and still are. Through these 12 step programs I learned that I can survive being a mother of an addict who might never change. I learned how to turn my son over to God, believing that God was walking with my son when I couldn't be. I learned how to not take this whole painful journey as a personal attack on me but as a painful illness for my son to conquer. I learned how to love him in spite of it and hold on to the good when I can, so the grieving went away. I still pray and hope for his life to change. Hope is always good. I am doing more than surviving these days. I am living my life and I am at peace knowing that God is in control and not me.
Prayers to your family,:praying
I am a mother of an AS. Although he's been down the coke road, and was starting into smoking heroin before a short stint in rehab, his drug of choice these days is pot. He also got arrested for possession with the intent to distribute. He cried and begged for help. Swore he would do whatever I asked if I would bail him out. I thought I would be violently ill as the pain was so deep. but I couldn't do it. Mostly because I was afraid to lose everything. Because of past practices, I didn't trust him. If I had the money in a bank I probably but foolishly, would have done it. He was truly scared at the time. It was his first offense. But After he got out on his own R and R, the fear went away and the attitude came back and he started to try and get me to pay for a lawyer. But again, I couldn't enable this time, I knew he had to see this through on his own. So now he is on felony probation for 18 months. since he is still in that lifestyle, it probably will be revoked and the felony will be permanent. But I do know that he knows now his choices are his responsibility.
I also had that feeling you have where you see your whole life pass before your eyes. You see your son's life like a fast forward movie and you see him from babyhood to adulthood and you don't know what happened. Then you look to the future and it looks so dark that you start the grieving process.
This disease has no reason. It has no income or social status boundaries. It hits so many of us.
I remember the anger from deceit, the hopelessness that had me curled up in a ball, and the anxiety and fear that made me want to do as much damage control as I could, hoping it would all end, he would see the light, and we could put it behind. It happens that way to a few, but not to me.
It is a road your family will have to walk. I had to also.
But through it I learned I have strength, wisdom and compassion I never knew was possible.
Thank God you have good friends and you are researching all of this because you are right, you could lose your house if you post bail and use it as collateral.
You have a chance to do this right the first time, unlike me, I tried to fix it a few times before I realized I was making it easier for him to go back to denial, and to continue down that path.
your son's road might look different than yours right now, things happen when they do for a reason, and you can't force him into recovery.
But you can work on the rest of the family's recovery.
Al-anon and Nar-anon were my life support for awhile and still are. Through these 12 step programs I learned that I can survive being a mother of an addict who might never change. I learned how to turn my son over to God, believing that God was walking with my son when I couldn't be. I learned how to not take this whole painful journey as a personal attack on me but as a painful illness for my son to conquer. I learned how to love him in spite of it and hold on to the good when I can, so the grieving went away. I still pray and hope for his life to change. Hope is always good. I am doing more than surviving these days. I am living my life and I am at peace knowing that God is in control and not me.
Prayers to your family,:praying
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Hi and welcome to SR.
Mom of a 27 year old addict son (AS). I bailed my son out of jail once, earlier this year. I vow never, ever to do that again. That is one line I have drawn that I feel strong enough to (hopefully) not cross. I may give him 20, 30, 40 bucks here and there for gas or food and I know 100% that even that is wrong but . . . I gotta take the steps towards my own recovery from my AS in my own time, in my own way. I do that by attending Nar-Anon, Al-Anon and reading and posting here.
Keep reading and look for meetings in your area or another town if you do not feel comfortable attending where you live. There are a couple members in my groups that travel to our meeting.
Mom of a 27 year old addict son (AS). I bailed my son out of jail once, earlier this year. I vow never, ever to do that again. That is one line I have drawn that I feel strong enough to (hopefully) not cross. I may give him 20, 30, 40 bucks here and there for gas or food and I know 100% that even that is wrong but . . . I gotta take the steps towards my own recovery from my AS in my own time, in my own way. I do that by attending Nar-Anon, Al-Anon and reading and posting here.
Keep reading and look for meetings in your area or another town if you do not feel comfortable attending where you live. There are a couple members in my groups that travel to our meeting.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Maumee, OH
Posts: 68
Hi, I'm sorry that you had a need to find this forum, but am glad you are here. I can't imagine the pain of having a child who is an addict. I do know about trying to hold a family together whose members feel betrayed and hurt, however.
I think it's very important to explain that the disease of addiction made this person into the liar they have become. Your son is still there, but he's lost within the addiction and it's so hard for addicts to understand that recovery is a process that will get them to a better place. The addiction has them fooled as well and convinces them that they're better with it than without it.
Until he admits he has a problem and wants help, there's really nothing you can do for him. The first step has to be his. You can only focus on you.
I recently had someone explain to me the idea of addiction as a disease. I've always hated that. I felt it gave the addict a free pass to lie, use and betray, but this person said I have to stop thinking of it as a disease like cancer and more like diabetes.
Diabetics don't have a choice of having the illness or not. It's just there and they have things to do to manage it, but they have choices as well whether to be a healthy diabetic or not. It took away the free pass but allowed me to feel compassion for my addict.
I don't know if that will help in your situation with your family, but I hope so. I know so well that feeling of betrayal and pain of being lied to. Eventually I had to let it go and realize it wasn't about me. It was about the addict and their choices and their decisions. I didn't do anything to deserve to be betrayed or lied to. I was just there.
Good luck with everything you do in the future to help your family recover and to support your son.
I think it's very important to explain that the disease of addiction made this person into the liar they have become. Your son is still there, but he's lost within the addiction and it's so hard for addicts to understand that recovery is a process that will get them to a better place. The addiction has them fooled as well and convinces them that they're better with it than without it.
Until he admits he has a problem and wants help, there's really nothing you can do for him. The first step has to be his. You can only focus on you.
I recently had someone explain to me the idea of addiction as a disease. I've always hated that. I felt it gave the addict a free pass to lie, use and betray, but this person said I have to stop thinking of it as a disease like cancer and more like diabetes.
Diabetics don't have a choice of having the illness or not. It's just there and they have things to do to manage it, but they have choices as well whether to be a healthy diabetic or not. It took away the free pass but allowed me to feel compassion for my addict.
I don't know if that will help in your situation with your family, but I hope so. I know so well that feeling of betrayal and pain of being lied to. Eventually I had to let it go and realize it wasn't about me. It was about the addict and their choices and their decisions. I didn't do anything to deserve to be betrayed or lied to. I was just there.
Good luck with everything you do in the future to help your family recover and to support your son.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
HI, mother of AD. Welcome to the place that may very well save your sanity, if not your life--it did mine!
Read the sticeky "let them fall". THe more you read and understand helps, although nothing takes the hurt and anguish away.
Keep coming back, you have lots of us here who understand!
susan
Read the sticeky "let them fall". THe more you read and understand helps, although nothing takes the hurt and anguish away.
Keep coming back, you have lots of us here who understand!
susan
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: southern Illinois
Posts: 2
You all are quite a blessing to me and my family after just one post! This whole situation is just surreal. I keep thinking it's just a bad dream and that I'll go into my son's room and find him sleeping in his bed.
Before my son was arrested my wife and I prayed for the truth to come to light. Wow, was that prayer answered a bit more than anticipated. God is good to provide reassurance of our course of action. A friend of mine got word from the police officer who transported my son and a couple of others back to the detention center that when he got in the squad car he was laughing and said, "I almost had them convinced to bail me out."
Wow.
My son was a straight "A" student throughout his high school years and we never had a bit of trouble with him. He was always respectful and courteous to others and was highly thought of at his job at the local grocery store. After graduation in May he was promoted to night manager.
In my conversation with him this past Friday after his court appearance, I told him my theory of his involvement. I told him as he dabbled in the local drug culture, he probably saw how much "smarter" he was and thought it'd be an easy climb up the drug ladder to big bucks. I also believe he used his profits to buy cocaine for himself. That's why he was always broke.
I am so concerned because I believe that his only regret was getting caught. And the lesson learned was not that what he did was wrong but rather the execution of his grand plan had a glitch that is easily fixed.
Oh, he has sooooo far to fall yet. And it's so counterintuitive as a parent the way to successfully deal with an addict.
Again, I thank you all for your prayers, support and reading my ramblings.
I got an email from a friend who told me that my son's experience has opened the lines of communication with his own kids who are the same age as my own. He said they talked before, but now it's with more openness and candor. Praise God for the good that is coming from this experience.
Before my son was arrested my wife and I prayed for the truth to come to light. Wow, was that prayer answered a bit more than anticipated. God is good to provide reassurance of our course of action. A friend of mine got word from the police officer who transported my son and a couple of others back to the detention center that when he got in the squad car he was laughing and said, "I almost had them convinced to bail me out."
Wow.
My son was a straight "A" student throughout his high school years and we never had a bit of trouble with him. He was always respectful and courteous to others and was highly thought of at his job at the local grocery store. After graduation in May he was promoted to night manager.
In my conversation with him this past Friday after his court appearance, I told him my theory of his involvement. I told him as he dabbled in the local drug culture, he probably saw how much "smarter" he was and thought it'd be an easy climb up the drug ladder to big bucks. I also believe he used his profits to buy cocaine for himself. That's why he was always broke.
I am so concerned because I believe that his only regret was getting caught. And the lesson learned was not that what he did was wrong but rather the execution of his grand plan had a glitch that is easily fixed.
Oh, he has sooooo far to fall yet. And it's so counterintuitive as a parent the way to successfully deal with an addict.
Again, I thank you all for your prayers, support and reading my ramblings.
I got an email from a friend who told me that my son's experience has opened the lines of communication with his own kids who are the same age as my own. He said they talked before, but now it's with more openness and candor. Praise God for the good that is coming from this experience.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
beeson2K
How I know the horrible feeling of finding out.
My niece has been convicted of a first and second degree felony for possesion of meth. She was given a light sentence and probation and never stopped using or dealing. She's back in jail now.
Recently one of the folks on this forum recommended the book "An Addict in the Family". It is really worth reading.
You are absolutely doing the right thing by not posting bail. I never did either. My niece was released a few times conditionally and ended up viloating the conditions and then failed repeatedly to appear. She had a similar "I can get away with it" attitude. It is typical addict thinking.
The one thing I wish I had done at the time was to let the absolute full force of the situation to fall on her. Instead, I visited her, paid for collect calls from the jail, put money on her books (money they spend in jail on magazines and candy bars) and generally exhausted myself with worry. I don't know if she would have seen the light if I hadn't done those things, but at least I would know now that I did not soften the consequences and extend the time for her to hit bottom.
I'm playing it differently now. And you are right - if they don't go to court, you lose the down payment and are on the hook for the rest of it. That's what bail bondsmen (bounty hunters) are about. The put up the fee for a profit later and if the person fails to appear, they go after them.
Prayers for your family and your son. I've been on this journey for 4.5 years... it takes a while. God Bless
How I know the horrible feeling of finding out.
My niece has been convicted of a first and second degree felony for possesion of meth. She was given a light sentence and probation and never stopped using or dealing. She's back in jail now.
Recently one of the folks on this forum recommended the book "An Addict in the Family". It is really worth reading.
You are absolutely doing the right thing by not posting bail. I never did either. My niece was released a few times conditionally and ended up viloating the conditions and then failed repeatedly to appear. She had a similar "I can get away with it" attitude. It is typical addict thinking.
The one thing I wish I had done at the time was to let the absolute full force of the situation to fall on her. Instead, I visited her, paid for collect calls from the jail, put money on her books (money they spend in jail on magazines and candy bars) and generally exhausted myself with worry. I don't know if she would have seen the light if I hadn't done those things, but at least I would know now that I did not soften the consequences and extend the time for her to hit bottom.
I'm playing it differently now. And you are right - if they don't go to court, you lose the down payment and are on the hook for the rest of it. That's what bail bondsmen (bounty hunters) are about. The put up the fee for a profit later and if the person fails to appear, they go after them.
Prayers for your family and your son. I've been on this journey for 4.5 years... it takes a while. God Bless
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
beeson2k,
So glad you found us, but sorry for your circumstances.
I am the mother of an addict son, my son used marijuana in his younger days, then proceeded to move on to bigger and better drugs. He will be
35 y.o. tomorrow, and for today, he is sober. Hopefully you son will see the light of day, if you leave him to his own devices, and decide the life of drugs is not for him.
Unfortunately, I enabled my son for a long time. The reasons were: being naive and that mother thing, of feeling sorry for him, kind of feeling. Well, heaven knows a few years of Alanon and I think I'm getting it!
As a pastor, I am sure you know that your son's H.P. has him right where he suppose to be, and will lead him where HE wants him. We just have to have the faith...(sounds like an oxymoron with you being a pastor and all, doesn't it!
)
Hugs to you,
So glad you found us, but sorry for your circumstances.
I am the mother of an addict son, my son used marijuana in his younger days, then proceeded to move on to bigger and better drugs. He will be
35 y.o. tomorrow, and for today, he is sober. Hopefully you son will see the light of day, if you leave him to his own devices, and decide the life of drugs is not for him.
Unfortunately, I enabled my son for a long time. The reasons were: being naive and that mother thing, of feeling sorry for him, kind of feeling. Well, heaven knows a few years of Alanon and I think I'm getting it!
As a pastor, I am sure you know that your son's H.P. has him right where he suppose to be, and will lead him where HE wants him. We just have to have the faith...(sounds like an oxymoron with you being a pastor and all, doesn't it!
)Hugs to you,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Welcome to SR! Am the mother of a 29 Yr old AD. Your story could have written by most of us here (just change him/her) Addiction does not discriminate. SR, Naranon/Alanon have helped me stay sane... "One day at a Time"
Sending prayers your way.
Chris
Sending prayers your way.
Chris
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 427
Welcome, you have come to a wonderful informative place to learn about this terrible disease. I am the mom of an adult ad who was on coke. She was in rehab and is now a little over 90 days clean and I pray she stays that way.
Here you will find plenty of learning lessons of how not to enable and to look out for you. You will get hugs and understanding here when you need it and the world is falling apart. Read the little stickies at the top and go to some Naranon meeetings if you can. It sounds like your doing the right thing so far. Hang in there and will say prayers for you.:praying
Here you will find plenty of learning lessons of how not to enable and to look out for you. You will get hugs and understanding here when you need it and the world is falling apart. Read the little stickies at the top and go to some Naranon meeetings if you can. It sounds like your doing the right thing so far. Hang in there and will say prayers for you.:praying
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
Hi and welcome,
I am the mother of a 23yr old heroin addict (he's clean and sober 8 months).
I'm sorry you have to go through it, ut am very glad you found us. SR has saved me.
you are already on the right track, it may or may not be a long road but with support and prayers and of course knowledge you'll be ok.
SR will guide you, listen to you, give a shoulder to cry on,and don't think for one minute SR will hold back when need be (with love of course)
again, welcome and good luck
I am the mother of a 23yr old heroin addict (he's clean and sober 8 months).
I'm sorry you have to go through it, ut am very glad you found us. SR has saved me.
you are already on the right track, it may or may not be a long road but with support and prayers and of course knowledge you'll be ok.
SR will guide you, listen to you, give a shoulder to cry on,and don't think for one minute SR will hold back when need be (with love of course)
again, welcome and good luck
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
Stick around, and welcome. I don't envy you being at the very beginning of this long and scary ride, but how fortunate for you (and how smart of you) to find help right away for yourself.
We listen to each other, pray for each other, ask for help when we need it, and share our experience, strength, and hope when we are strong and have it. It doesn't make the addict get clean, nor does it take the hurt away, but it does help me tons to deal with it, and to live.
We listen to each other, pray for each other, ask for help when we need it, and share our experience, strength, and hope when we are strong and have it. It doesn't make the addict get clean, nor does it take the hurt away, but it does help me tons to deal with it, and to live.
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