Have I done the right thing?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 3
Have I done the right thing?
I befriended someone while holidaying overseas earlier this year. We have kept into touch all year through email and phone, that is, since last week.
Not long after our friendship began, he admitted to me that he did drugs (weed, cocaine....god knows what else) and use to sell them too. He is also a big drinker and almost likes to get drunk daily (beer and whisky). He is only 20 years old.
He has been brought up in an environment where drinking is seen as acceptable and there is peer pressure for him to drink and smoke. His father regularly drinks and there seemed to be some domestic violence in the house also. I suspect that his father does weed also. My friend is from an affluent family from where he is from and the parents gives him pocketmoney to spend - which is naturally on alcohol and drugs.
Throughout the friendship, he said that I was one of the few people he trusted in his life. I was concerned about him (I cared for him so much) and every email and phonecall I urged him to change his life. He did start to listen then. He said he was changing himself and that it was all because of me.
However, there were instances were I knew he was lying to me and getting back to drink and drugs again. He said that he was trying to avoid alot of his mates which were getting him doped up and drunk. Naturally, this meant that he was getting lonely through trying to change also.
Unfortunately soon, he was back influenced by his friends and getting right back to it. Back into drink and back into weed. Probably back into cocaine. Little lies became bigger lies and then there were lies everyday.
I felt so stressed and emotional trying to help him, and given that it was long distance, it was really difficult for me. I am always one who try to help people as much as I could.
Basically last week I told him that I feel I have done as much as I can and it is up to him to change. I told him I had to break off the friendship as I cannot do anymore. I gave all that I got. I have not heard from him since then.
I am just wondering to myself whether I have done the right thing - breaking off the friendship. If I was the few people he trusted in life - that I now walk away from him now? Was this wrong of me to do? Should I have stuck by him? It's just that I care for him so much.
Not long after our friendship began, he admitted to me that he did drugs (weed, cocaine....god knows what else) and use to sell them too. He is also a big drinker and almost likes to get drunk daily (beer and whisky). He is only 20 years old.
He has been brought up in an environment where drinking is seen as acceptable and there is peer pressure for him to drink and smoke. His father regularly drinks and there seemed to be some domestic violence in the house also. I suspect that his father does weed also. My friend is from an affluent family from where he is from and the parents gives him pocketmoney to spend - which is naturally on alcohol and drugs.
Throughout the friendship, he said that I was one of the few people he trusted in his life. I was concerned about him (I cared for him so much) and every email and phonecall I urged him to change his life. He did start to listen then. He said he was changing himself and that it was all because of me.
However, there were instances were I knew he was lying to me and getting back to drink and drugs again. He said that he was trying to avoid alot of his mates which were getting him doped up and drunk. Naturally, this meant that he was getting lonely through trying to change also.
Unfortunately soon, he was back influenced by his friends and getting right back to it. Back into drink and back into weed. Probably back into cocaine. Little lies became bigger lies and then there were lies everyday.
I felt so stressed and emotional trying to help him, and given that it was long distance, it was really difficult for me. I am always one who try to help people as much as I could.
Basically last week I told him that I feel I have done as much as I can and it is up to him to change. I told him I had to break off the friendship as I cannot do anymore. I gave all that I got. I have not heard from him since then.
I am just wondering to myself whether I have done the right thing - breaking off the friendship. If I was the few people he trusted in life - that I now walk away from him now? Was this wrong of me to do? Should I have stuck by him? It's just that I care for him so much.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Originally Posted by AshanaG 
I felt so stressed and emotional trying to help him, and given that it was long distance, it was really difficult for me. I am always one who try to help people as much as I could.
From my experience, if your friend is an addict, this is a small taste of what your friendship would be like if you stuck around.
You did a good thing for yourself by realizing this wasn't good for you. There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
as a recovering addict, I think you definitely did the right thing. It was when people who loved me/cared about me started backing off from me, and I was left to deal with the reality/consequences of my using, that I began to realize it sucked.
Taking care of yourself is always the best thing to do. It's not easy, sometimes it's really hard and it hurts, but it's STILL the best thing to do.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Taking care of yourself is always the best thing to do. It's not easy, sometimes it's really hard and it hurts, but it's STILL the best thing to do.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
1. You can't help him. He has to help himself.
2. You mentioned he cleaned up for a while for you. He has to do it for himself and WANT to do it for himself.
3. If he's doing it just for you, then that sets himself up to lie and lie and lie all over again. You're the only one he has to keep it from. It's not a big deal when everyone else around you is using and the one person who tells him, "please don't" is the only one he has to lie to.
You're a good friend for not turning a blind eye, but he has to want this. His bottom could be VERY far, considering that his parents continue to give him money.
2. You mentioned he cleaned up for a while for you. He has to do it for himself and WANT to do it for himself.
3. If he's doing it just for you, then that sets himself up to lie and lie and lie all over again. You're the only one he has to keep it from. It's not a big deal when everyone else around you is using and the one person who tells him, "please don't" is the only one he has to lie to.
You're a good friend for not turning a blind eye, but he has to want this. His bottom could be VERY far, considering that his parents continue to give him money.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 3
Thank you for all the responses so far.
Yes, I am finding it hard right now and it is hurting me. It's been such an emotional 8 months when I look back. Unfortunately I am that sort of person who tries to give everything I can when I see someone in need. I have never had to deal with someone with such problems before and I've never really ever thought I would be on a website like this.
I am trying to change my mindset but I guess I am feeling like I'm a bit of an ass dumping him in the middle of it all right now and wondering if I could had done more. It was all the lies that finally got to me and I had so many agruments with him asking why he just continues to lie.
I just wonder whether I handled myself properly.....I just got so angry with him in some of my emails about his drinking and drug taking. In the end he was like, turning against me I guess. He said that I was just seeing all the negatives in him and not seeing the other side of the coin. If I had toned done my 'attitude' I just wonder whether it would had helped more. Was I being too angry at him??? I cared for him so much and I was just trying to help him, but it seems like all my effort and strength has backfired.
Anvilhead, when I read your post, everything that you said was exactly what he said to me - that he needed me and loved me more than anyone before, to give him a chance to prove himself to me, that if I was not there his life would not go on.....everything. It just makes me so sad. The times when he had less to drink, drugs and not lying to me, he seemed like such a wonderful person. There was such a good person behind all the problems.....if only the problems weren't there. I told him many times that I didn't want him to change for me but for himself.
Drink and drugs, they are just awful. And it hurts so many people.
Yes, I am finding it hard right now and it is hurting me. It's been such an emotional 8 months when I look back. Unfortunately I am that sort of person who tries to give everything I can when I see someone in need. I have never had to deal with someone with such problems before and I've never really ever thought I would be on a website like this.
I am trying to change my mindset but I guess I am feeling like I'm a bit of an ass dumping him in the middle of it all right now and wondering if I could had done more. It was all the lies that finally got to me and I had so many agruments with him asking why he just continues to lie.
I just wonder whether I handled myself properly.....I just got so angry with him in some of my emails about his drinking and drug taking. In the end he was like, turning against me I guess. He said that I was just seeing all the negatives in him and not seeing the other side of the coin. If I had toned done my 'attitude' I just wonder whether it would had helped more. Was I being too angry at him??? I cared for him so much and I was just trying to help him, but it seems like all my effort and strength has backfired.
Anvilhead, when I read your post, everything that you said was exactly what he said to me - that he needed me and loved me more than anyone before, to give him a chance to prove himself to me, that if I was not there his life would not go on.....everything. It just makes me so sad. The times when he had less to drink, drugs and not lying to me, he seemed like such a wonderful person. There was such a good person behind all the problems.....if only the problems weren't there. I told him many times that I didn't want him to change for me but for himself.
Drink and drugs, they are just awful. And it hurts so many people.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Originally Posted by AshanaG
I just wonder whether I handled myself properly.....I just got so angry with him in some of my emails about his drinking and drug taking. In the end he was like, turning against me I guess.
I cared for him so much and I was just trying to help him, but it seems like all my effort and strength has backfired.
I cared for him so much and I was just trying to help him, but it seems like all my effort and strength has backfired.
One of my Favorites from this place.....:codiepolice
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm not Anvil, but I can explain codependent (codie) and enabling.
A codie thinks that there is something we can do to change the person...with an addict, we think there is always something more we can do to get them to quit using...love them more, put up with their BS, pay their bills (they've usuall spent THEIR money on drink/drugs), bail them out of jail ("just give me ONE MORE CHANCE, I promise I'll pay you back!"), give them a place to stay when they have "nowhere to go" because of their use.
All of the above is enabling...doing for them, what they are able to do for themselves.
I was a codie, way long before I became an addict. I always thought "they just haven't been loved by the right person".
Setting boundaries is one way to "recover" from being a codie:
Do not contact me when your drunk/high.
I am NOT the only person in the world who can help you.
the 3 c's...I didn't CAUSE your addiction/problems, can't CURE you and can't CHANGE you.
When we focus on "could I have done more", we're being a codie. We have to learn to believe we've done what we can, the rest is up to them, and detach (step away from the situation...physically and/or emotionally).
Hope this helps, but there are also TONS of posts on the same subjects. A great book to read is "codependent no more" by Melodie Beatty. Many people think they're not codies until they read it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
A codie thinks that there is something we can do to change the person...with an addict, we think there is always something more we can do to get them to quit using...love them more, put up with their BS, pay their bills (they've usuall spent THEIR money on drink/drugs), bail them out of jail ("just give me ONE MORE CHANCE, I promise I'll pay you back!"), give them a place to stay when they have "nowhere to go" because of their use.
All of the above is enabling...doing for them, what they are able to do for themselves.
I was a codie, way long before I became an addict. I always thought "they just haven't been loved by the right person".
Setting boundaries is one way to "recover" from being a codie:
Do not contact me when your drunk/high.
I am NOT the only person in the world who can help you.
the 3 c's...I didn't CAUSE your addiction/problems, can't CURE you and can't CHANGE you.
When we focus on "could I have done more", we're being a codie. We have to learn to believe we've done what we can, the rest is up to them, and detach (step away from the situation...physically and/or emotionally).
Hope this helps, but there are also TONS of posts on the same subjects. A great book to read is "codependent no more" by Melodie Beatty. Many people think they're not codies until they read it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Originally Posted by Impurrfect
I'm not Anvil, but I can explain codependent (codie) and enabling.
A codie thinks that there is something we can do to change the person...with an addict, we think there is always something more we can do to get them to quit using...love them more, put up with their BS, pay their bills (they've usuall spent THEIR money on drink/drugs), bail them out of jail ("just give me ONE MORE CHANCE, I promise I'll pay you back!"), give them a place to stay when they have "nowhere to go" because of their use.
All of the above is enabling...doing for them, what they are able to do for themselves.
I was a codie, way long before I became an addict. I always thought "they just haven't been loved by the right person".
Setting boundaries is one way to "recover" from being a codie:
Do not contact me when your drunk/high.
I am NOT the only person in the world who can help you.
the 3 c's...I didn't CAUSE your addiction/problems, can't CURE you and can't CHANGE you.
When we focus on "could I have done more", we're being a codie. We have to learn to believe we've done what we can, the rest is up to them, and detach (step away from the situation...physically and/or emotionally).
Hope this helps, but there are also TONS of posts on the same subjects. A great book to read is "codependent no more" by Melodie Beatty. Many people think they're not codies until they read it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
A codie thinks that there is something we can do to change the person...with an addict, we think there is always something more we can do to get them to quit using...love them more, put up with their BS, pay their bills (they've usuall spent THEIR money on drink/drugs), bail them out of jail ("just give me ONE MORE CHANCE, I promise I'll pay you back!"), give them a place to stay when they have "nowhere to go" because of their use.
All of the above is enabling...doing for them, what they are able to do for themselves.
I was a codie, way long before I became an addict. I always thought "they just haven't been loved by the right person".
Setting boundaries is one way to "recover" from being a codie:
Do not contact me when your drunk/high.
I am NOT the only person in the world who can help you.
the 3 c's...I didn't CAUSE your addiction/problems, can't CURE you and can't CHANGE you.
When we focus on "could I have done more", we're being a codie. We have to learn to believe we've done what we can, the rest is up to them, and detach (step away from the situation...physically and/or emotionally).
Hope this helps, but there are also TONS of posts on the same subjects. A great book to read is "codependent no more" by Melodie Beatty. Many people think they're not codies until they read it.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I am trying to change my mindset but I guess I am feeling like I'm a bit of an ass dumping him in the middle of it all right now and wondering if I could had done more.
We learned that love cannot save an addict. If it could not one of us would be here and all addicts would be cured.
Then we learned how to take care of ourselves, how to let go and heal.
You not only did the right thing, you saved yourself a lot of grief and pain by recognizing early that this was not something that could be controlled by anything you did or did not do and you chose to live your life better by walking away from his addiction and darkness and into your own recovery and light.
Wise words above me here, I hope this all helps a little.
Hugs
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