IPT

So I just made a calendar, marking the days I have actually seen my g/f of three years in the past 6 weeks. Sort of hard to argue with the stark reality in front of me - it wasn't often

I read the sticky on denial, but man it was a lot more comfortable there. I don't want to give ultimatums, but either she needs to get it together or I'm out of here (course I've said that how many times?). I have been living a fantasy relationship in my head that barely has enough reality to it to constitute a good friendship, forget a relationship of 3 years.

She asked to see me Sunday, after telling me flat out she would rather be partying with her family Friday and Sat than be with me. I told her "no" I loved her, and she was very important to me, but I didn't want to be her second choice at the end of the weekend. I guess it's a step in the right direction...

Now if I can just avoid believing the next set of empty promises. I am doing good trying to distance myself and trying not to "react" to her antics. She has no excuse besides her own choices regarding why she has been absent from my life and this relationship. I have not argued or fought any of her decisions. And....there I go again hoping she will suddenly see reality and change... focusing on me is great, but I need to somehow break this umbilical cord to this gal.

Cognitively I know I can't change her, but unconsciously I am still trying/hoping too. Why does she always have to say exactly what I want to hear? Be around just long enough to suck me back in? So she can have the best of both worlds of course. Dang it..

imallright

Good for you! That is what it is all about IMO. Looking out for yourself and taking steps to be healthy and happy. You can't make her change, she has to do what she wants to do as well. Although the choices may not be healthy and you might think they are not in her best interest. You are well on your way to helping yourself and being strong. Good for you that you realize that you matter... keep taking care yourself and go do something fun today!

Troubledone

IPT - I wish you strength in this.

I've seen my niece (a meth addict) do the same thing to a wonderful guy who adored her. He would have done anything for her. I tried to warn him that she was just keeping him around as "backup" and to enable her using, but he couldn't see it. (Incidetally, she has an interesting pattern of always having a guy or two in her hip pocket while dating one, so there is always someone to enable her)

I think it is wonderfully strong and brave of you to face the reality of the relationship. My niece's boyfriend, after being taken advantage of for three years, finally got a therapist and started focusing on what was important to him. He is now a much happier person and dating normal people. It was hard for him because he had to realize some things about himself before he could let her go.

There is a wonderful, whole person out there for you who will want to be with you for yourself and make you a priority. Drug addicts first priority (I've leaned this a million times and am still learning it) is the drugs. People are just a means of support to be able to use.

I think marking the calendar was a wonderful way to help yourself realize the reality. I hope you are also able to get support of people who appreciate your qualities and validate you. You may still be very sad that she can't appreciate you, but at least you will be able to gain the freedom needed to find the person who CAN appreciate you.

Love and prayers...

IPT

Thank you both. I am going to an Al-Anon meeting this AM. There really are no NA-Anon meetings around here so it's all I have.

itisatruth

It is a step in the right direction.....a step towards you getting back to you, towards a healthier you, a stronger you. I've heard it said here and have been using it myself: baby steps.....as long as I can keep taking those steps, even small ones, I will someday soon find myself where I need to be -- one day, one step at a time.

YOU are making progress and you said "no" -- for yourself. Good for you!

IPT

So, now I feel guilty for not being there when she reached out (sigh). How twisted. I decided to invite her to the AlAnon meeting this morning if she wanted to go but it seems like she has stonewalled me by turning her cell off (only way to get to her). Makes me sad, and angry. I could just pull my hair out, but I will not leave a zillion angry frustrated messages like I have before. I can do it....I think, I hope. Jeezz, who's the addict anyway?

ladyamalthea

IPT,

I am so proud of you. You have obviously made a lot of progress over the last few weeks in your own recovery. Being able to see things objectively is a huge step, no matter what the end result is in the relationship. Have faith in your own strength, and the wisdom of your HP, and you will be lead in the right direction, whatever that may be.

I was also very impressed when I read that you told her no when she wanted to come over on Sunday after blowing you off all weekend... sounds like you're starting to focus on yourself more.

ladyamalthea

And you can do it. I love your question at the end of the last post... Who is the addict here? It sounds to me like there may be two addicts in this; but one is trying to recover, while the other is obviously not making the same kind of effort.

IPT

ladyamalthea - THANK YOU SO MUCH! I am trying to recover, and yes I have made some big leaps (thank you for noticing ). I DO feel like I am the only addict trying to recover.

It makes me sad though - becasue I fear that as I recover (which is dang hard work) this relationship will end. Again twisted, but I want it to work out. I want it to be all those things my mind has made it into. It is such an awesome thing I have created, it's just that it's not.........

IPT

Lord help me - I was just thinking about this relationship and that it might end. Then I thought "no, maybe I am in her life so I can give her hope and save her".....

I can't, right? Why can't we do that? Oh, because they need to do it themselves. She has no-one that is positive in her life. Just users and enablers, except me. We cross paths with people for a reason, no? Why can't I be there to help her? Have I lost my way with that thought? I can't do it for her, but I can support her. Maybe she doesn't "need me", but I surley could be of benefit.

imallright

IPT... confusion. It is all part of it. Please look after you. You are right, you can't save her. She has to want to take care of herself. You can be involved with her, but set your boundaries and make sure that you protect yourself. You probably could be a good support system, but she needs to take steps to get well at it can't be at your expense. Think about you!!!!!

IPT

AHead - true, she has told me that a few times. That I have given her hope when she had none, that I inspire her, taught her things and showed her things about her family she never realized. She said I saved her life. I was the reason she finally sought therapy when she was depressed.

Is that it though? I am the happy helper who gets left in the dust with an empty heart? As consolation I know I helped someone? I am holding on tightly. i want my reward - the relationship I have built up in my head. Where is my pay off for sticking it out and believeing?

I know, I am out of line, and my reasons and rational my be way off. Just some thoughts that come to mind. This sux....but it is what it is. I am working on me.

rozied

Oh IPT, Wouldn't it be nice if all the fantasy we have built up in our heads came true..................but would it? I have heard the expression many times, "Be careful what you wish for, you may get it!"
If this relationship isn't filling your needs what are you in it for? In a relationship BOTH parties needs must be met or it doesn't last.
What are you holding on to? Are you afraid you won't meet anyone else? By staying in this relationship that doesn't meet your needs you are making yourself unavailable for a relationship that does.
Keep focusing on yourself. You have made alot of progress in the last couple of wks.
I am proud of you.

IPT

Wish I could figure out what I am holding on to, then I could let go of it . I have made a lot of progress (thanks for noticing ) I feel that, and I am happy about it. None the less I still cling to what I "think" this would or could be. Not only am I missing what is right infront of me, I seem to be neglecting to see the l o n g road that lays between me and that goal.

I am without a doubt addicted to an addict. Withdrawl symptoms and everything. Just like an addict I never let enough time go by to break away. Probably because I know if I do it'll be over, and for some reason I don't want that (just yet)

HopeandPrayer

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I truly believe that when the time is right you will know what needs to be done for you. Your HP will provide for you the strength needed to move forward on the path you choose.

This soon shall pass; meaning I have seen progress in you on your recovery with what you have posted. Keep setting and keeping the boundaries you feel comfortable enforcing, stay in tune with what you want and need in your life, the rest will come when its time.

Just keep her issues with her and take care of you. Until she wants it, it won't happen, as I have found with my RAS. They are in charge of their own recovery which is very difficult for those of us who care about them, but that is the way it has to be.

Best wishes,
Barb