blackmax

Some background first. JD has been dating my daughter since he was 15 and it is obvious that they do love each other very much. I know that sounds silly, but I found my soul-mate at 15 and we've been happily married for 33 years now, so yes, I do believe in fairy-tales because I am living one with my hubby.(He's 18-1/2, she's 19). JD has been in a drug rehab program for the last three weeks, been abusing heroin for about a year and a half. My daughter does not use drugs.

I went to bed early Monday night and as usual, my insomnia kicked in. 11:15 and I go downstairs to get some milk from the fridge and who's at our the house again, but JD with my daughter. My daughter promptly tells me that she told him it was o.k. for him to spend the night because he wasn't getting any sleep at the apartment he shares with others in his rehab program, too much activity going on. He had asked her if it was o.k. and she told him only if he cleared it with his parents first and promptly handed him the phone. He called and left a message with his brother. My daughter didn't hear the entire conversation as she was driving and not really paying much attention. When she told me this, after having a big knock down drag out fight with her, I told her o.k., but just for the night and all old rules applied, he had his room, she had hers - yeah, I know - kick me in the rear end at this point!!! Kick me again.

Tuesday morning was fine - he appeared to be in very good spirits and doing really well and happy. We had to have him back to the program by 12:30, so left the house at noon. Imagine my surprise when we pull up at the program and his folks and counselor are waiting for us outside. Seems he told his brother he was staying elsewhere (not our place) after he had previously said he was going to spend the night at his home visiting with parents and grandparents. Good old JD saunters on past them because his meeting is about to start and he can't be late. That was it, not a word said to anyone!!

If looks could have killed, I would have been laid out on the concrete and fileted right there by the mother. I immediately apologized and tried to explain that JD had told us he had cleared it with them. Stupid me should have called them last night to verify - Kick me again. My poor daughter just stood there saying, I told him to call you, I dialed the number and I heard him talk to the brother. They just walked past us and left without a word. Of course she burst into tears.

The counselor was still standing there, so I took the opportunity to get everything cleared up, questions I had, where we stood, what we should do, what their policies were, where JD was in the process, etc. The counselor was so understanding and absolutely great. We exchanged phone #'s if there are any concerns on either side - something I think should have been done in the beginning considering the triangle we're in.

Then we went home and told my husband. That was even more unpleasant. He loves JD too, and his rule is that JD needs to get clean and stay clean before he wants him associating with our daughter. So after listening to what happened, my daughter crying this whole time apologizing for putting us in this situation, he just put his foot down. Said our family came first and our family would no longer be in the middle of this. Until he hears from JD's father that everything is clear (basically out of his current program), our daughter is NOT to see him nor is he allowed at our place, or she can leave. At the same time he gently told her it wasn't her fault (she continues to blame herself) and that JD just needed to get his act together. I was darn proud of my old man! He can see the reality of things more than I can - guess I'm too emotionally involved in this mess.

So that's where we are. When JD calls again, we've told her to just tell him she loves him, but she can't talk to him or be with him until this initial process is over and then to hang up. If he grows up enough in the process, he'll understand. Unfortunately, right now she's completely devastated and feeling betrayed.

Although I love JD like my own son, my daughter comes first. I don't want to see her hurt, only happy. I actually think that the best thing for me to do at this point would be to tell her to dump him and move on, I just don't know. She wants to be there for him and he had told her he wouldn't like to her again, even as he WAS lieing to her. The counselor said that he's been doing well as far as the addiction goes, but the other issues, lieing, etc. have to be worked on and that the reason he came to our house is that he feels this is a "safe place" where he can hide. His homelife is not good as he has stolen from his family.

Suggestions from those that have found themselves in this predicament, or similar, would be greatly appreciated.

Impurrfect

I don't have any suggestions, as I've not been in your position before, but I'm sure others will be along.

I think you did really well with your daughter, setting boundaries, but letting her know it's not her fault (who, of us, hasn't been lied to?).

Sending you and your family big hugs and prayers!

Amy

marle

My daughter is a heroin addict so I am coming from the other side. I can understand his parents giving you the cold shoulder as they see you as an enabler. You are enabling their son not to follow his program. You need to put the focus back on you and your daughter and see why (other than you love him like a son) you are willing to have an addict in your life. Your daughter will do what she wants since she is of legal age but if you set boundaries for yourself now it will help her see that setting a boundary is okay. She needs your guidance. Hugs and prayers, Marle

cece1960

I have to agree with marle here. My son is the one who brought me here on my knees looking for solutions
If I could be frank...this is not your battle or your business. That is said out of caring, not harm.
His Mom is reacting the same way I would. You would not beleive what it often takes to stand back and let the addict take responsibility. I imagine his Mom struggled just as much as each of us. Its a struggle I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
Often, I think, from the sidelines, other parents think we don't love our children "the same way". But the truth is it took every grain of courage we had to detach and step back.
You've now stepped in, and got in the way.
Set down those boundaries needed for you, your family and your home.
Let your daughter work out the relationship.
I wish you and your family the best...I know this stuff isn't easy.
((((Hugs)))

blackmax

The stepping in was completely unintended. He lied to us and we trusted him. In hindsight, the first thing I should have done when my daughter brought him home, regardless of what she overheard on the phone conversation, was to call his folks and have them come pick him up. My mistake to trust him. Believe me, I don't want to enable him in anyway, just want him whole again.

marle

You can't make him whole. You can't trust him. You care about someone who will use and manipulate you to get what he wants. When my daughter was younger she dated some real needy boys. Instead of setting a boundary that I would not be taken in by these kids, I decided that I could save them. They gave me their sob stories of how their parents did not love them, etc. and I felt sorry for them. When I let them take advantage of me I was showing my daughter how to be codependent, how to let people take advantage of me. She learned that lesson well and went on to worse and worse relationships. The last one she had before she went into rehab was with a crack addict who was 17 years her senior, controlling and abusive. I sometimes wonder if she would have taken a different path if I had let her know years ago that it was not alright to let a boy abuse her no matter how much he is not loved or understood by his parents. Set your boundaries and maybe ask your daughter if she would like to go to counselling. Abusive men can be very sweet and charming. That is why it is so hard to leave them. A good book for you and your daughter to read is "Saving Beauty from the Beast". Hugs, Marle

ladyamalthea

I'm so glad, though, that in all of this, you have been aware of your daughter's emotions enough to remind her that none of this is her fault. She needs to be constantly reminded of this... because it is so easy for the loved ones to find ways that the addict's behavior is their responsibility.

While I agree with everyone else about you enabling him by letting him stay with you that night, on the other hand, if he had not stayed there, he would have found somewhere else to staySo live and learn, but please don't beat yourself up over this too much. Addicts are very talented in the art of tricking people, and it sounds like your daughter was tricked. Totally his fault, not hers. But like Marle says, you can't trust him right now. I know it sounds like a stereotype, but addicts are not capable of telling the entire truth.

I'm so glad your daughter has you and her father in her life, and I'm glad she's close enough to you to be honest with you about his habits. Not all 19 year olds are so open with mom and dad. She's obviously smart enough to understand why her father said what he did, and I'm sure that deep down she knows it's best, whether she likes it or not. She's strong enough to pull through, thanks to you.

Chino

That seems a little controlling to me. Not the part about your home, the part about who your legal age daughter can see. She's being told if she sees him outside of your home she will have to leave home. OK, those are his rules and that's that.

When she moves out eventually, if there are people or situations you know aren't good for her, what then? Will there be further ultimatums?

blackmax

yes, my daughter and I are very close - sometimes she tells me too much. She recognizes dad's ultimatum as a wake up call - even though she's broken hearted - she agrees with him. She's a college student, CHOOSES to live at home and commute. She tried freshman year dorm living and just didn't like it - she's basically got it too good at home. We trust her implicitly and she has all the freedom she wants. We only ask her who, where and what time she'll be home - so we don't worry. If she inadvertently ends up being out too late, or won't be home due to a change in plans, she always leaves me a txt message on my phone so we don't worry. Extremely responsible.

When she moves out and is on her own, we'll always be there for her, and the door swings both ways, i.e., she can always move back and we'll always listen. But if she gets into situations with people that aren't good for her, she'll have to work through those and the issues they bring up on her own.

For now, my house my rules, which are always open to discussion with her, but we - hubby and I - have the final say as to what goes on in our home.

Chino

That's a really healthy way to be and I think you missed the codie bus

lightseeker

Sounds like you are doing a good job of working through a tough situation. One thought came to mind....are ya'll ready to take action should you find out that she is in contact with him again? One of my issues is setting down boundaries and forgetting to be clear on the consequences.

I started my life long love affair with addicts when I was your daughter's age. I was responsible and my parents could trust me (for the most part). The problem was that being involved with even one addict pulls you into the vortex of addiction and co-dependency. I wish that someone had suggested reading Melody Beattie's books way back then. I mistook my kindness and compassion sometimes for poor boundaries on my part. You are giving your daughter good examples but if she is involved with a recovering addict - and has plans to resume their relationship on down the line it is going to be important for her to have her own program of recovery to work. Addiction is traumatizing for the entire family unit - that includes girlfriends and parents of girlfriends.

My heart goes out to your daughter - she sounds like a sweet, kind, and level headed young woman. These is not the way that love should be at this age but unfortunately, the way that our society is it is more common that anyone realizes. I'm happy that he is getting help at this young age. I wish that my RAH had had help that early on.

Keep us posted on how things are going - hugs.

blackmax

My husband told her that if she made contact with him before the allowable time, or before we worked things out with the bf's parents, she would have to move out and be on her own as we won't support her. Sounds a lot harsh, but it got her attention (I really don't think he'd do it, but the situation is pretty serious in our book).

Thank you - she is sweet, kind, loving and very level headed for her age. I've always said she's whatever age going on 35. She's always been extremely grown up and responsible. I'm hoping that since he's only used for about 1-1/2 years the damage isn't irreparable. But I also know that it will be a long haul for a while.

blackmax

Since I'm new to this whole thing, I don't know what some of the acronyms mean. By Codie - you mean co-dependent?

Impurrfect

Yes, codie means codependent. Sometimes, when we are ON the codie bus, it means we are doing our codie behavior. Other times, when one of us is struggling, we will "pack up in the codie bus" to offer support.

I agree with Chino, you are making boundaries and sticking to them, and that is awesome, so it's a good thing when you miss the codie bus.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy