It works if you work it, right!?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
It works if you work it, right!?
Trudging on! Hi all 
Over the weekend my Alanon group had a weekend camp out at a nearby lake. I was only able to make it to the Saturday night meeting, but I am so glad I did. As we sat around the campfire, deer wandered around behind us within 10 feet of our circle and the birds chirped overhead in the branches while the sun went down over the water. I have met so many wonderful ladies through this group and they are a constant source of hope for me.
The topic was hope. What a great thing that was for me. I sorely need to find hope again, not hope for anything in particular, like whether or not my AH is going to find recovery again or whether or not I could love him again or whether or not I will divorce him, but hope that I can and will find peace and serenity in my life again.
After the meeting, I was reminded (many times) that I need to keep going back and keep working on me so that I can get back to "me" again -- that fun, active person I used to be.
I am going to keep going. I am going to keep "working it" as they say. I am going to get back to a better place. I am.
I just want it right now! It's driving me crazy that I can't seem to get past these feelings of sadness and loneliness right now. This has been going on for a few weeks now. It doesn't help that I'm on vacation and have entirely too much time to think about things. I feel stuck.
That all said, I am proud of myself. Later this week, I am going to Montana on vacation to spend a couple weeks with my (all girl) cousins that I grew up with. I am going by myself -- no AH. The place is near Yellowstone and has places to ride horses, hike, swim, and go rafting on the river. Its a big step for me; I have never been away from him like this. I am looking forward to "me" time. After a couple weeks of whining, AH is actually OK with it too.
As always, thanks for "listening" and for sharing of your experience, strength, and HOPE so often here on these boards.
:ghug2
Over the weekend my Alanon group had a weekend camp out at a nearby lake. I was only able to make it to the Saturday night meeting, but I am so glad I did. As we sat around the campfire, deer wandered around behind us within 10 feet of our circle and the birds chirped overhead in the branches while the sun went down over the water. I have met so many wonderful ladies through this group and they are a constant source of hope for me.
The topic was hope. What a great thing that was for me. I sorely need to find hope again, not hope for anything in particular, like whether or not my AH is going to find recovery again or whether or not I could love him again or whether or not I will divorce him, but hope that I can and will find peace and serenity in my life again.
After the meeting, I was reminded (many times) that I need to keep going back and keep working on me so that I can get back to "me" again -- that fun, active person I used to be.
I am going to keep going. I am going to keep "working it" as they say. I am going to get back to a better place. I am.
I just want it right now! It's driving me crazy that I can't seem to get past these feelings of sadness and loneliness right now. This has been going on for a few weeks now. It doesn't help that I'm on vacation and have entirely too much time to think about things. I feel stuck.
That all said, I am proud of myself. Later this week, I am going to Montana on vacation to spend a couple weeks with my (all girl) cousins that I grew up with. I am going by myself -- no AH. The place is near Yellowstone and has places to ride horses, hike, swim, and go rafting on the river. Its a big step for me; I have never been away from him like this. I am looking forward to "me" time. After a couple weeks of whining, AH is actually OK with it too.
As always, thanks for "listening" and for sharing of your experience, strength, and HOPE so often here on these boards.
:ghug2
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Background for some of the newer "friends" who have joined.
My AH was in recovery when I met him. He's tried lots of things but his DOC was methamphetamine (crank). He found prescription painkillers about 7 years ago and has been relapsing and abusing pills ever since. I joined SR when I felt I couldn't go on. Then alanon (no naranon near).
I know too well the pain and fears of not knowing where he is, is he in jail or the hospital again, is he dead somewhere on the street, why doesn't he love me enough to stay clean.......etc, etc, etc.
I can say, through SR and alanon, I have been able to detach from the insanity for the most part. I still struggle though, at times.
After reading some of the posts from some other "newbies" I think what I am feeling is a sense of not knowing where to go now.....now that the focus is not always on him. In other words, where am do I fit in all of this, where/who am I now?
My AH was in recovery when I met him. He's tried lots of things but his DOC was methamphetamine (crank). He found prescription painkillers about 7 years ago and has been relapsing and abusing pills ever since. I joined SR when I felt I couldn't go on. Then alanon (no naranon near).
I know too well the pain and fears of not knowing where he is, is he in jail or the hospital again, is he dead somewhere on the street, why doesn't he love me enough to stay clean.......etc, etc, etc.
I can say, through SR and alanon, I have been able to detach from the insanity for the most part. I still struggle though, at times.
After reading some of the posts from some other "newbies" I think what I am feeling is a sense of not knowing where to go now.....now that the focus is not always on him. In other words, where am do I fit in all of this, where/who am I now?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Good stuff! Sounds like a healing weekend for sure! The rest of your vacation plans sound Superiffic!!!!!!!
I know when I took my sons out for the very first time on my own..... it was scary, liberating, exciting, amusing (so many things that could have gone wrong.... did go wrong, but we we laughed through them all!) ...... and it was empowering!
You are doing a great job and please share more and more about the things you are doing for yourself..... personally I find it inspirational...... and I'm sure others here do too!
You deserve all these things....... have a BLAST!!!!!!!!
I know when I took my sons out for the very first time on my own..... it was scary, liberating, exciting, amusing (so many things that could have gone wrong.... did go wrong, but we we laughed through them all!) ...... and it was empowering!
You are doing a great job and please share more and more about the things you are doing for yourself..... personally I find it inspirational...... and I'm sure others here do too!
You deserve all these things....... have a BLAST!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
I took a friend to an NA meeting last night. She requested to go. One of the A's, a friend of mine, took the time to talk to her afterwards and helped her a lot.
The "epiphany" came when he asked her what SHE was doing for HER? What did she think she could actually "do" about her AH? What was she hoping to accomplish by her ideas? Why was she allowing him to still control her life and thoughts and he wasn't even living with her? All these helped her stop and think things thru and she realized HER part! She is in charge of her, it's HER choice to spin and react from everything he does, but it has nothing to do with her and there is nothing she CAN do! She cried when she realized she could stop the insanity and not be so effected.
She still has a ways to go to learn how to do this comfortably, but the moment of clarity came!
One of the hardest things as a newbie to learn, and a lesson we all need - our First Step - we are POWERLESS!
The "epiphany" came when he asked her what SHE was doing for HER? What did she think she could actually "do" about her AH? What was she hoping to accomplish by her ideas? Why was she allowing him to still control her life and thoughts and he wasn't even living with her? All these helped her stop and think things thru and she realized HER part! She is in charge of her, it's HER choice to spin and react from everything he does, but it has nothing to do with her and there is nothing she CAN do! She cried when she realized she could stop the insanity and not be so effected.
She still has a ways to go to learn how to do this comfortably, but the moment of clarity came!
One of the hardest things as a newbie to learn, and a lesson we all need - our First Step - we are POWERLESS!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I think what I am feeling is a sense of not knowing where to go now.....now that the focus is not always on him. In other words, where am do I fit in all of this, where/who am I now?
Little by little my meetings, friends in recovery and coming here have helped. And I've learned to really let go and to wait for that quiet voice, that sign of sorts that helps me to find out how I fit into all of it. I have learned to appreciate the journey and to find joy in the little things in the world.
Your vacation sounds wonderful...you deserve that time and somehow I suspect that HP is leading you quietly there and that "more will be revealed." Enjoy this special time for you!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I totally understand about "want it now". My mom, swore, when I was a child that my prayer was "God, give me patience...NOW!" But thanks to the great folks here, I have learned that things really don't happen when I want them to, they happen when HP plans it. The process is usually a lot slower than I would like, but darn if it doesn't always turn out better than if I had done it MY way.
Your vacation sounds great! I hope you have a great time!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Your vacation sounds great! I hope you have a great time!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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