jerect

In a past post I described how I had been noticing a lot of text messages and very long phone calls on my phone bill. AH said it was is friend from work but when I dialed the number a women answered. Last thursday I asked him if I could see the text messages that he was sending to his friend and he got all upset and said that he erases all of his text messages. On friday, I did a cell phone reverse lookup and found out that the cell phone number that he has been calling and texting was registered to a women. I went to bed friday night with a heavy heart but I prayed to God to lead me to the truth.

Saturday morning I found his truck keys and I went into his truck and found his phone. On it were three text messages and three missed calls all after midnight from this women he has been communicating with. One of them was a very vulgar text message and the other two were basicly telling him she was upset because he had not texted her or called her all day. I woke up my husband and showed him the texts. He first denied it and said that someone must have texted him by mistake. After a couple of minutes he admitted it but said that it was just a friend and that he never slept with her. It was just text messages and phone calls. I don't believe him for a minute. I told him to text message her and tell her it was over. He handed me the phone and told me to text her what I wanted to say. I feel like he should have done this but at the moment I was so upset that I texted her like I was my AH and told her to stop calling and texting and that there could be no more contact. He then agreed to allow me to change his cell phone number. Which I did immediatly.

That was Saturday and this is MOnday and my heart is broken into a thousand pieces. Has told me that he was sorry and that he wants to work things out but how do I know that he is really sorry.

He is the last person that I would expect this from. In the last month, which is how long this liason has been going on, our sex life has been better then ever. I was starting to feel good about us again. Come to find out, he was coming home, have sex with me then texting this chick all hours of the night afterwards and having phone sex with her. These calls always took place after I went to bed and while i was at work.

I have been questioning him about this for three weeks and even asked him if he was cheating on me and of course he said No. You would think the Dumb a** would have tried to cover his tracks better since I started calling the number about 2 weeks after the calls started. He knew I was doing this and he knew I called last sunday and a women answered. The women seemed to be the aggressor in the relationship. She texted my husband more then twice the amount that he texted her and she almost but not always initiated the phone calls. It still doesn't make it right though. This women does not work with him. So the only way, he can get in contact with her is if he calls her or if she shows up at his place of business.

I'm at a crossroads of what to do. Part of me just wants to cut my loses and move on. My heart has been through enough this year. The other part loves him deeply and wants to work things out.

I'm a confuses horrible mess right now and to make matters worse we are moving this week across town and I have a whole apartment to clean and move.

Pray for me please...

lightseeker

Prayers going out to you. What a terrible thing to go through. Try not to second guess yourself. Just keep doing the next right thing, take care of yourself, maybe get to some Alanon/Naranon meetings. It is difficult to work through an affair but it can be done if BOTH parties are willing to do the work.

Take time to figure out what is best for you. Are you getting what you need from this relationship? I'm sorry for what you are going through. I've been cheated on and it really really sucks. It is not that there is anything "wrong" with you so don't go there. The problem is in him. What is he going to do to address it? Remember the serenity prayer - you can't change him nor do his work for him. The only thing that you can change is yourself.

Take as good of care of yourself as you can - and remember to me kind and loving to yourself as well.

Hugs

eaglesgirl

Many prayers for you J...

Know that while you are understandably hurt and in pain, you do not have to make any major decisions about how to handle this right now...

I have been on the receiving end of this pain also... Yes it hurts alot, and if you truly aren't ready to end the relationship, it can be worked through...with lots of hard work...
Eventually the pain of an affair will begin to fade...I am not saying that it will be forgotten, but I am saying that if you feel it is worth it, by working through it together, you both can come out with a stronger and healthier relationship, if you feel you can trust what he will tell you. I know dealing with active addiction and infidelity will make it that much harder....

Only you will know how to deal with this infidelity... once you have gotten through your move and had some time to openly discuss it...

Please take care of you...

PupMum

Hugs to ya (Sorry not religious but sure others will pray!)

Callie

jerect - been there done that with my AH. I'm sorry you're going through this - I KNOW how painful it is to go through this. AH's affair was a long time ago and I was never given the truth until years later. So I was never able to make a concrete decision because I was never given the facts.

You're in shock right now and you probably feel like you're scrambling around to protect your home, your family, keep everything in tact and keep what is YOURS (your ah). My advice to you is to STEP BACK and assess how much you really want to keep this together. How worth it it is to deal with an affair on top of addiction. You've got a LONG road ahead of you should you choose to stay. You already know you can't trust an addict, so you may never get the truth of the extent of the affair. Just as you my AH said no sex involved, just kissing or talking or whatever. I found out about 3-5 years later the story and their was sex and the affair lasted about 2 months.

I KNOW how you're feeling, just PLEASE take the time if only for a little bit to assess how much you want to go through for this man. I hope you can find your answers and again, I'm sorry you're in this spot.

BBD

Thats so heartbreaking. Don't jump the gun quite yet. See if things settle down but I wouldn't let him off the hook to easily. If you truly love this man maybe things can be worked out.....Changing a phone number doesn't prove a thing....be cauious(sp)) and if this thing continues I'd certainly show him the door. Thats just me though. Good-luck and hugs, Bonnie

Abundance

Uuuugh...... WTH?

I don't even know how to respond. But I will say I'm thinking of you and sending you healing and STRONG vibes.

Keep posting.... get support and take the support.... and "walk where you like your steps.... "

(((((hugs)))))

Callie

Another thing, until he gets clean and does the work the lies will continue. It took me YEARS before H told me the truth. That made it impossible for me to move on. Changing a cell # or texting her what you wanted him to say will not make a difference. I'm assuming he'll try to minimize it and you will believe it because you WANT to believe it. But you will have that nagging in your gut forever until your AH does the work on ALL fronts to make things right. You're not starting at ground zero if/when he gets clean and the affair stops. You're starting at ground -1000. Again, I'm speaking from experience and I"m sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

GwenMarie30

Wow. Im sorry I just went thru the same thing with my bf. I spent 4 months in jail for driving while revoked and drug history. Very long story. I came home to find that he had moved on. But he wanted me back. I lived here for months knowing he lied to my face as he worked with the girl and called her all hour of day and night. Sneeking off to meet her. Her said he couldnt decide. Well I chose for him. I moved out. We have a 12 year history and children. I very seriously moved on. But I did give him a chance. And now it was the greatest thing Ive done. Our relationship is the strongest and best its every been. But there was definitly some serious changes made on both parts.

I dont know what to really say except that I know how much this hurts. And Im sorry for it. I went with my instincts like you did and found out I was right. But then I followed my instincts and stayed with him afterall. Its hard to get past. Can you really get past this? If you can then maybe that a step. Can you wake up next to him and look him in the face without thinking of the other woman? I couldnt so I left. I had to have time to sort thiings out and heal my self. It doesnt always work but time will help you to see where your gonna go.

MrsMagoo

I am so sorry. All I know to tell you is to keep going with your gut. I can't imagine how betrayed you must feel. Go with your gut. It hasn't lied to you yet.

greeteachday

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Take it a moment at a time and stay true to yourself. Let him deal with his stuff, just give yourself time to process this. Hugs and prayers

jerect

Thanks for everyone's prayers and support here. I'm still numb, my heart is so full of grief. My husband keeps telling me he is sorry over and over again but I just can't find comfort in that.

We have agreed to wait untill Saturday to discuss this further. It was actually my idea because hopefully by then I will have a clearer head.

I don't know if I will ever trust him again. If I do it will be a long time from now. Everytime he is late, everytime I can't get a hold of him. my mind will start wandering.

I love him, i do know this much and thats all I know right now. I want to save my marriage but I cannot continue with the lies anymore. I have been asking him for almost a month now who he has been talking and texting too. I started asking him this three days after he started talking to this girl. He knew I was suspicous but kept doing it anyway. But he was stupid. He knew I could go online and see what numbers he was talking and texting too. Even after I called the tramp and talked to her (she denied everything of course) he still continued on. Though, he did back off quite a bit but she didn't.

I was on the internet yesterday looking for sites that would have some insight on how I can get myself through this. I ran across a support board for people who are having affairs on ivillage.com. i was appalled at the threads I read. There are actually people out there that condone this kind of behavior??????? I had to get off of there because my heart and gut coulden't take what I was reading.

I know I need to take care of me but I don't even know where to start.

rozied

I agree with Anvilhead. why do you need this in your life, its already impossible to live with an addict but one who cheats on you too boot. I am now 61 I once was in love with a compulsive gambler & I am sure he cheated. I divorced him & remarried him & after 10 yrs of it I ended it completely. I wonder now what took me so long? When you have had enough you will walk away.
Wishing you the best,
Diane