mrssez

ok so i have read about detachment and think that i may be going through something like it at the moment...

but what exactly is detachment? understanding that you cant do this for your addict and they need to work it out for themselves. yes ok sounds fine.

but.
does detachment lessen your feelings for the addicT? i am feeling distant and not very in love at the moment and to me being IN love is something that comes and goes in marriage, you are spending many years with the one person, i always know i love him, but i am not always IN love with him as this would be too exhausting! this is ok but im a bit scared that it might not come back... i have never pushed hubby away when he has tried to kiss me, but last night i did. i just felt too suffocated. this is not like me i crave affection alot.

i hope this is just a phase and its because its stressful at the moment but i am worried

NEVEREnds

I found detachment for me was not allowing my AH active use affect me and doing and being by myself. I also felt that I was not IN love with my husband, I'm not sure I am, but I do know it is not my fault for the distance and resentment that developed in our marriage. I learned to be alone, to do things alone that I wanted to do, and stop focusing on HIM because that always seemed to do NOTHING and cause more resentment and , for a lack of a better word, hatred. My AH has moved out and I'm not sure about my feelings of love for him. I care for him and probably ALWAYS will, I never EVER want anything bad to happen to him, but that is not in my control. They make their choices and unfortunately after years of dealing with the lack of judgment, there tends to be alot of negative emotions that build in the relationship.

Prayers and hugs. Stay strong and know you are not alone in this.

BJW

I pulled the following definition from an on-line site I sometimes frequent about coping issues. Maybe this will help.

Ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves.

Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional, or irrational.

Giving another person "the space'' to be him or herself.

Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.

Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place, or thing.

Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.

Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.

Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.

Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, or controlling.

Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.

Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.

Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.

Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you "want them to be.''

Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

None of this is easy, but by working a program, staying in fellowship with others, and relying on a HP I think it's all possible.

mrssez

i think these are probably applicable to my situation right now. Hubby going to first NA meeting tomorrow and im going to ask him to find out about naranon for me.. this is so hard

ive never felt this way before it hurts alot to think he may have even taken away my love for him

BJW

Dear mrssez,

I think finding a Nar-anon (or even Al-Anon) meeting would be very helpful. I know that when I attend meetings I experience so much relief. You'll find people in those rooms who understand, same as we do here. None of this is easy and I know it hurts. Detaching with love is what I am learning and the result is I have moved from outrage, fury, despair, and disgust to compassion, gratitude, love, and some peace. It's not a constant. It's something that I have to work on every day.

My situation is a bit different because the addict in my life is my son. I was, however, married to an alcoholic and, while he is still drinking, today I feel compassion and even affection for my ex-husband. Hearts do heal.

I hope you'll stick around and keep reading and sharing. I know there are a huge number of women here who are in the same situation you are.

(((HUGs)))

jerect

I think this hits the nail on the head on how to detatch.

I'm beginning to learn how to detatch from my AH drug abuse. I'm still very much in love with my husband and I care deeply about his well being. However, I cannot control what he does and where he goes. I cannot allow his drug use to control my life, my sanity nor my serenity any longer.

Setting boundaries has helped me detatch from my AH. I have also focused on taking care of me and stopped worrying so much about him. His sobriety is totally up to him and no matter what I do, what I say or how much I beg and plead, my AH will only stop using when he is ready to stop.

At first detatchment was hard for me because I was not even sure what it was much less what it ment. But when I started focusing on me and my needs and setting higher living standards for myself, it kind of all fell into place.