katiedid79

I have realized that I cannot control the addicts addiction.
I have realized that I cannot continue to live with an active addict.
reasoning being that I cannot control and my life has become unmanageable every time I suspect or find evidence.
I have figured out that every time the above happens that it starts this whole unhealthy pattern , meaning I cannot stop thinking about it , get obsesed with the thoughts of the what ifs ...
I have tried vary hard to distance myself from this situation and find that I cannot live with the person in the same house who has the addiction. I need the distance from it.
I have realized that the addict im my life is at this time not going to seek help. Even thow he is saying Ive done this so Im doing better blah blah blah...
In order for me to move forward I plan to continue to distance myself until a sulotion came be made for me . I plan to still move into the other bedroom. I need to distance myself as much as possiable. I plan to keep looking for a place. Even thow he should be the one to move out not me. Unfortantly he is not going to move out and I cannot force him to , Already tried to .
By moving into the other room I plan to look at the relationship as a room mate situation, nothing more. The addict will not be getting any fringe benifits from me.
By taking these steps I hope to start healing and learn to manage my own life.
Even thow Im still in the same house as the addict Im taking baby steps in ending the relationship.
I will also be going to meeting with another person who is going.
I realize that I do love the boyfriend of 15 years , but he is not that person anymore. I do not love the person that he is now.
The truth is that Im scared , not so scared being on my own as that I have put all this time, love , energy , money into the place that I live and only have a couple of years to pay it off, Im holding on to this and at this time cannot let it go. But that is my decision today. I may change it down the road . Hes not there most of the time anyways .... I think once I brake free to the other room that it will make it easier to make the other decions. I do plan to still look for a place just incase. I like keeping my options open.
So any thoughts on this? Do I seem to be moving in the right direction? Am I making sence?

kidsandmemake3

You seem to be starting to make some choices that are more loving toward yourself... as you love yourself more you also show healthy love toward others (including your addict). Love sometimes means setting boundaries, and understanding this disease will help you set boundaries.

I hope you will take some time and really learn more about the process of this disease, as education about the process of addiction will help give you a frame of reference for decisions you will have to make during the time he is a "good boy" and is begging you back. That part of the cycle is really tough because we want to assume the best in the person that we love. Addiction can disguise itself in order to "prove to you how much he loves you" by a period of time by "good behavior" but you must remain strong during this time and continue to learn about the process of addiction.

By pulling away from our active addict, we allow them to fully embrace the consequences of their actions. By pulling away from our active addict, we also get the chance to fully embrace the consequences of our own actions... which sometimes hurts because we realize how much we have let ourselves go; also, sometimes we even realize how much we have hurt others by being in a relationship with an addict because the people that love us have watched us allow ourselves to be dragged through really difficult experiences over and over. In essence, by staying with our active addict, we drag our loved ones through the same bog of grime we are going through.

You have done some good thinking; I hope you continue to strengthen your mind and fortify your heart aganist the verbal, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual attacks that will likely be coming your way from your addict as you try to distance yourself. Your addict will not be comfortable with this, so expect some very persuasive and "below the belt" comments to come your way. You must take the high road...

Also know that on your journey, when something is right it will feel peaceful to you and your thoughts will have clarity. If something is wrong for you, it will feel like turmoil.

Strengthen yourself... be more than a survivor... be an overcomer.

katiedid79

I told him all this , this morning. He new that I had plans to move to the other bedroom and that I was starting to clean it out. I found more pills last night. Reason for looking , not to catch him so much as it is a saftey issue with the baby. It wasnt in the house but it was still on the property, of course I got the excuse of. Ive been doing so good and the one time I screw up and of course you catch me , its not mine but somome elses. I told him I didnt want to here the excuses that the main piont is it is a saftey issue and I could loose my child. Or at least have it dragged threw the courts. I told him that if I found them one more time that I would be forced to either call the cops and get a no contact order and restraining order , or that I would just go get a restraining order. I told him that we both know that this is going to happen agian and it is just a matter of time before I found them agian, it would be best for him to move out and let me and our child live in peice while he figures out when or if he wants to get help. Of course Im not holding my breath but like I said it is just a matter of time . I need to check with a lawyer as well as to what I can do in this situation. What are my options the way the court sees them. Its not so simple as to just move out. Fiannacally speaking.
I really appreatiate what you siad. And what you siad is giving me incouragement. Im the type who if they see a problem , wants a fix right away. I dont run from my problems but try to meet them head on and deal with them. This is one of the hardest , I actually think the hardest thing that I have had to deal with. At least when I lived at home I knew that there was no escaping until I turned 18 . This time I know I can escape. Im just having a hard time of getting to the next level.

Impurrfect

I think you're moving in the right direction. Keep the focus on you and your baby, and find out what your can do, legally, to protect yourself and your baby.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

katiedid79

Well He siad he would start going to NA meetings. He also siad he would move to the sleeper sofa. He siad the baby and I didnt need to move to the other bedroom. So we will see if he actually does all of this. I did buy some books on amazon about addiction and got the book on codependacy... I will be going to my first group meeting this coming monday and got a family therapy appoitment next week. So all is moving towards the right direction. Only time will tell. I did feel somwhat releaved that he is going to meetings. I told him the other night, Im not asking you to stop and then go to meetings , he obvously cant stop , I told him to at least start going to meetings. I wish he would stop but I cant control that. So hopefully he will learn some stuff and start moving in the right direction. Im not getting my hopes up , but at least the situation isnt as stagnant as it was before. That just drives me crazy when things stay the same in a bad sitataution and I feel like Im stuck in the mud and that nothing will ever change. I do feel that there is a long road to go thow....