mistercm

My wife is back home, she left rehab 3 days early. I'm not surprised she was having a heck of a time there the last few days. We talked last night about where our relationship is going, we know where its been. She's not happy with herself, she feels that she could be better, and she feels that I deserve better. I agree. For the last five years of our relationship she's been "hanging out" and not dealing with any problems and making new ones. She wants to go to Minnesota and spend 30 or 60 days up there to "find herself". I think its because she met a guy in re-hab and is planning on shacking up with him, but that's my paranoia and if that is the case, well then I'm better off I guess. I just don't want to feel that pain, I don't want to feel that hurt. Thirteen-step relationships don't end well at all, and I'm not spending my time to help her pick of the pieces. You know, in some odd way, I see where she is coming from; I get it the idea of not knowing what to do, is this all that there is? What could I have become? Is it too late to change?

I don't think things will change in 60 days. I think she'll be the same person when she gets back, that's if she comes back, or I want her back. This is her point of view: She needs to find a place to live, (She can't stay with me and the kids at my sister's because my BIL doesn't trust my her, and thinks she going to steal from him, and start hitting the crack pipe again) someplace where she can't be stuck in her own rut again, (IF she stays with her mother, her mother will manipulate the situation to her own needs and keep her locked up in the house) someplace where she is forced to deal with being on her own (Sounds like a bunch of BS to me, Diversion? Running away? ) she wants to spend time "finding herself" and loving herself.

My opinion, sounds to me like she no longer wants responsibility of anything, she wants to be a kid again and not deal with anything like an adult. A mid-life crisis so to speak. While she's been gone, I was thinking about how her and I met, how things took a quick turn often, I found myself wondering if she really does love me like she says she does, or has she just been using me all this time? Maybe that's what she needs to find out on her own? I can't face the truth of that right now. I'm still trying to get out of the co-dependency trap that we got us into. I see what I'm saying, I don't want her to go because I want to protect her, (Co dependency) but I want her to go so I can get help with my issues and heal from this stuff. And I'm PO'd that she'll be the "Martyr" in the whole thing, making a sacrifice to leave her husband and children so she can be a better person when she comes back. I'm broken, tired, confused, and I shudder to think that I'm going to loose her to some scrawny little #$%# who has worse problems than she does. Sometimes I hate us addicts with a dark, black, dreaded hate. I can't stand the way we manipulate, we change our tools for our survival. I'm getting to the point where I'm reverting to my old "hermit" self again. I HATE that ! Why should I deny myself life because some user screwed me over? I have to fix myself, I have to do what is right for my children, they need a stable home, they need to feel safe, and so do I!

MsPINKAcres

Well said mistercm.

You and your children do deserve safety, serenity and sanity. Sending out prayers and good thoughts for courage and strength as you find your way down that path!!

Don't give up until the miracles happen - YOU deserve them.

Rita

bluebelle

It does seem questionable that she would want to disappear for 30-60 days to "find herself." It could be someone else, or not. It could just be that she wants to be where she can use without anyone giving her a hard time. No matter what, it sounds like she wants to "Have her cake and eat it, too." She gets time on her own, where she doesn't have responsibilities, while you have to be responsible and take care of you and your family?

hello-kitty

I know it's hard when someone is so selfish and they rip the rug right out from underneath you. Desert you. Desert their children. I mean, what kind of person does that?! Youre not alone you know. My brothers wife did the exact same thing to him and their children as yours is doing to you now. It was painful for him but he got over it. He moved on. Built a life for him and his children without her. Protected them from her selfish evil ways. When his wife decided, oops! I lost the best thing in my life. It was too late for her. She had put him and her daughter through hell. He didn't want her anymore. He felt like a real man and he realized what he had been missing all those years. He didn't want her and her ******** back. And he didn't want his kids to grow up and treat their spouses and their children the way she treated them.

What about you? What do you want? What are you going to do? You don't have to wait for her to figure it out you know. You can take charge of the rest of your life right here and now.

The best way to get out of the co-dependency track is to start doing things for ourselves, things that make us happy. Baby steps. Set a goal. Achieve it. Set another... and so on and so forth.

God bless.

kelsh

MAY TRIGGER...................MAY TRIGGER......................MAY TRIGGER.....













Hi mistercm,

Guess what....I am the alcoholic wife and I did almost the same thing your wife is doing. I went to alcohol treatment....was misled in my own thinking that I needed time to myself without my husband and four kids.

I had gone from home with my family to marriage with two stepsons in the picture...I had not done much dating...was always working...then family responsibilities plus a very debilitating depression untreated at that time.

I took my youngest son with me and our daughter and his boys stayed with him. I tried to work and couldn't....was too sick. I did stay sober one year & really don't remember when I started drinking again.

I soon found that I had made the biggest mistake of my life but it was done when I divorced him. I married another drinker and we somewhat controlled
our drinking while we worked and we did have a baby together...my son was eight years old when I had his baby sister.

To make this story shorter...I had married an abuser both physical & psychological but was afraid of divorcing again. I had a good job but not good enough to be on my own with two children and a housepayment.

When my husband was arrested for sexual abuse of our young daughter...I did get a divorce and did move back to where my ex-husband and older children were. He had already divorced his second wife.

Many years go by but I sobered up in 1988 & in 1989 went back to college to get a BA Degree in Psychology. I got help for my depression at the same time and attended AA on a regular basis and worked half time....and I thought I couldn't go on my own...!!!!

I got a good job after I finished college...actually started a new career and am now retired. My first husband and I remarried six years ago and of course spent time together off and on but both of us were busy with our jobs and all the older kids were married and I had the youngest daughter with me still.

We have a good life together...a sober life and live each day as it comes. It never can be thought of as a Fairy Tale but as two people that were meant to be together after they both grew up.

kelsh

mistercm

Thats the way I feel about the whole thing. I've been dealing with her problems for five years. Now she'll have to deal with them. I'm glad she doesn't want the kids, they like being with me anyways. My daughter (Whose 3 1/2 ) got so angry with her mother, she actually told her mother last night "Oh grow up Mom" I thought I was going to split my sides. We're parting ways in five days. Its really going to be hard on our kids, but not tough, they're used to her not being around. So sad that our children are going to feel sad and upset for awhile. I'll just have to hold them tight and love them even more (if thats possible)
:ghug3

mistercm

I like to think that maybe my wife and I have that. I don't know, I feel so used, the trust is gone in our relationship. Maybe time will heal the wounds. I think time will tell, I think that she should go, just to give our family a break from her disease. I just think she's running away from her problems and responsiblities. She needs to grow up. I hope she does. But I don't think I'll be waiting for her to.