Language of Letting Go - April 27 - Letting Go of the Need to Control
Nature Girl
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Language of Letting Go - April 27 - Letting Go of the Need to Control
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Letting Go of the Need to Control
The rewards from detachment are great: serenity; a deep sense of peace; the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways, and the freedom to find real solutions to our problems.
--Codependent No More
Letting go of our need to control can set others and us free. It can set our Higher Power free to send the best to us.
If we weren't trying to control someone or something, what would we be doing differently?
What would we do that we're not letting ourselves do now? Where would we go? What would we say?
What decisions would we make?
What would we ask for? What boundaries would be set? When would we say no or yes?
If we weren't trying to control whether a person liked us or his or her reaction to us, what would we do differently? If we weren't trying to control the course of a relationship, what would we do differently? If we weren't trying to control another person's behavior, how would we think, feel, speak, and behave differently than we do now?
What haven't we been letting ourselves do while hoping that self-denial would influence a particular situation or person? Are there some things we've been doing that we'd stop?
How would we treat ourselves differently?
Would we let ourselves enjoy life more and feel better right now? Would we stop feeling so bad? Would we treat ourselves better?
If we weren't trying to control, what would we do differently? Make a list, and then do it.
Today, I will ask myself what I would be doing differently if I weren't trying to control. When I hear the answer, I will do it. God, help me let go of my need to control. Help me set others and myself free.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Letting Go of the Need to Control
The rewards from detachment are great: serenity; a deep sense of peace; the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways, and the freedom to find real solutions to our problems.
--Codependent No More
Letting go of our need to control can set others and us free. It can set our Higher Power free to send the best to us.
If we weren't trying to control someone or something, what would we be doing differently?
What would we do that we're not letting ourselves do now? Where would we go? What would we say?
What decisions would we make?
What would we ask for? What boundaries would be set? When would we say no or yes?
If we weren't trying to control whether a person liked us or his or her reaction to us, what would we do differently? If we weren't trying to control the course of a relationship, what would we do differently? If we weren't trying to control another person's behavior, how would we think, feel, speak, and behave differently than we do now?
What haven't we been letting ourselves do while hoping that self-denial would influence a particular situation or person? Are there some things we've been doing that we'd stop?
How would we treat ourselves differently?
Would we let ourselves enjoy life more and feel better right now? Would we stop feeling so bad? Would we treat ourselves better?
If we weren't trying to control, what would we do differently? Make a list, and then do it.
Today, I will ask myself what I would be doing differently if I weren't trying to control. When I hear the answer, I will do it. God, help me let go of my need to control. Help me set others and myself free.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I'm grateful for coming to SR and reading not only the posts from other mothers who talked of letting go and letting God, but for the alcoholics and addicts who seconded that truth. I even KNEW this from having gone through a divorce from an A, but somehow I just "forgot" the lesson or else was in denial about my son's addictions. It seemed so contradictory to what I believed a mother should do, but I recognized all the symptoms of addiction here in my son and immediately took the words of wisdom into my own life, to stop enabling and take the focus off him to put it back where it belonged, on me. Not an easy task, and very difficult after having spent many years unknowingly enabling.
Sometimes you just have to have faith. Faith in the constant message here from other parents was the rock I held onto last December when I "stumbled" upon SR (thank you, God) and faith when it doesn't work immediately while the addict is quacking at an uproarious level.
Personally, I felt an instant relief, a calmness come over me, when I accepted that I was powerless over my son's future in addiction. It didn't come that quickly to him, but I will say that 4 four weeks ago he checked himself into a program and has been sober on suboxone since. One day at a time, I know, but it is very nice to hear him talk of sobriety and getting to "know" himself again. My stepping out of his business may have helped scoot that process along--who knows? But I have FAITH that it was the right thing to do and that my son totally feels he did this on his own and is very proud of what he is accomplishing.
Thank you for this lovely reminder, Ann. I also read another reminder last night, so maybe my HP is trying to keep me from being complacent and not forget my FAITH in the steps and in HIM.
Sometimes you just have to have faith. Faith in the constant message here from other parents was the rock I held onto last December when I "stumbled" upon SR (thank you, God) and faith when it doesn't work immediately while the addict is quacking at an uproarious level.
Personally, I felt an instant relief, a calmness come over me, when I accepted that I was powerless over my son's future in addiction. It didn't come that quickly to him, but I will say that 4 four weeks ago he checked himself into a program and has been sober on suboxone since. One day at a time, I know, but it is very nice to hear him talk of sobriety and getting to "know" himself again. My stepping out of his business may have helped scoot that process along--who knows? But I have FAITH that it was the right thing to do and that my son totally feels he did this on his own and is very proud of what he is accomplishing.
Thank you for this lovely reminder, Ann. I also read another reminder last night, so maybe my HP is trying to keep me from being complacent and not forget my FAITH in the steps and in HIM.
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Join Date: Mar 2006
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Posts: 4,047
It took recovery for me to even understand how much I "needed" to control. I think I equated control with assertiveness, and I was far from assertive. I can't even begin to put in words the joy and blessings letting go of the need to control has brought to my life. I am far from perfect at it, I need to check myself and my motivations frequently, but little by little letting go and letting God has been making huge changes in my life. Thanks as always Ann for posting these daily readings! 
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
So many of us in the "codie" category come to find out we have control issues. When I
began to focus on my own character defects, this control issue was a biggie. I don't want to be controlling any longer.
I had to consciously work on this, but gradually I have been able to let go of taking every one else's inventory and stopped giving unsolicited advice. That was an enormous amt. of work being in charge of everything and everyone. It was exhausting. Now my job description is much simplier, "Live and let Live" My husband greatly apprec. when I don't tell him what to do.
Now I understand the slogan, Keep it Simple.
Thank you for the reminder Ann. I have to be aware of control issues to keep them
dormant.
began to focus on my own character defects, this control issue was a biggie. I don't want to be controlling any longer.
I had to consciously work on this, but gradually I have been able to let go of taking every one else's inventory and stopped giving unsolicited advice. That was an enormous amt. of work being in charge of everything and everyone. It was exhausting. Now my job description is much simplier, "Live and let Live" My husband greatly apprec. when I don't tell him what to do.
Now I understand the slogan, Keep it Simple.
Thank you for the reminder Ann. I have to be aware of control issues to keep them
dormant.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Control. Almost every moment when I'm talking with someone else, I find I am practicing this not controlling thing. I always thought I was pretty easy-going, etc. Always bending to others wishes, etc., this was such an eye-opener when I began to understand just how much I was trying to control.
Today, I can let go much easier. It still is taking some work to recognize this sometimes. When I get frustrated that someone won't step out of their own box for whatever reason, this for me is my red flag. Why am I frustrated? What is it to do with me and how I live my life? My choices? Why do I want them to change? Nothing, it is nothing to do with me, it is their life to live as they see fit.
Confusion = lies/manipulation
Frustration = trying to control
These one word word-associations are so helpful to me and I am grateful to be learning them and how to be a better me.
Thanks Ann - I love these daily readings!
Today, I can let go much easier. It still is taking some work to recognize this sometimes. When I get frustrated that someone won't step out of their own box for whatever reason, this for me is my red flag. Why am I frustrated? What is it to do with me and how I live my life? My choices? Why do I want them to change? Nothing, it is nothing to do with me, it is their life to live as they see fit.
Confusion = lies/manipulation
Frustration = trying to control
These one word word-associations are so helpful to me and I am grateful to be learning them and how to be a better me.
Thanks Ann - I love these daily readings!
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
More thoughts provoked by today's Language of Letting Go-
I am learning to guard against my own unproductive behavior.
Detaching, or relinguishing trying to control of the outcome of someone else's behavior, is actually a bridge to beginning a new approach to relationships.
I can focus on how I'm thinking + acting rather than controling + dictating.
Others are to be left to their own affairs not matter how they handle it.
I am learning to guard against my own unproductive behavior.
Detaching, or relinguishing trying to control of the outcome of someone else's behavior, is actually a bridge to beginning a new approach to relationships.
I can focus on how I'm thinking + acting rather than controling + dictating.
Others are to be left to their own affairs not matter how they handle it.
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