Control Issues / Bad Week
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Control Issues / Bad Week
Bad Week
I've been having such a bad week. I'm trying to study for finals and it's been greusome. I've put off so much until the last minute because of my little one being ill and then me being ill, so I'm trying to cram 10 chapters into my head in the matter of 2 days. At least my homework is all caught up now (whew!)
My issue has been letting my AH take more responsibility. He offers to watch our 9 month old, but I am so reluctant. I'm so afraid of putting too much on his plate and that (in turn) will lead him to start using again. Before, he relapsed because of pressure, so I've become this woman who walks on eggs around him just to avoid adding more to his life. I clean the house. I do the dishes. I keep things organized, do the laundry, take care of the baby. Every time he asks to help, I cringe inside and say, "no, it's ok!" And I do it with a smile.
If he gets in a bad mood because of something at work or trivial things (like driving and getting mad at someone for cutting him off,) I feel like it's my job to make sure he doesn't get TOO mad or he'll start using again. I try not to argue with him or make him upset. Because, again, I feel like I have to make his life easier so he just doesn't use.
The logical part of me says he'll use again if he wants to, no matter what I say or do, but there's another part of me that just can't let go of that control over myself and attempt to control the situation.
Also, after having come here, I realize that I am different from some folks in that I don't have issues "leaving" him and I never have. I feel more like "a runner" than I do a co-dependent, as if I'd flee at the first sign of trouble. I still snoop for signs that he's using (have not found anything and his behavior tells me he's clean.) But, it's like I'm LOOKING for some reason to leave and go and run from the hardship of worry and questioning and uncertainty. Perhaps this is another form of co-dependency? I don't know.
I feel like it's so hard to be happy for him, to care about him (yet inside, I know I do love him.) But, I've had to rebuild that and it's been such hard work. I keep expecting it to all crumble in my fingers, to fall apart, that all my work will be for nothing. I know how I sound--selfish and absolute. I wish I knew how to get through this part. It's been so rough.
Thank you for reading.
I've been having such a bad week. I'm trying to study for finals and it's been greusome. I've put off so much until the last minute because of my little one being ill and then me being ill, so I'm trying to cram 10 chapters into my head in the matter of 2 days. At least my homework is all caught up now (whew!)
My issue has been letting my AH take more responsibility. He offers to watch our 9 month old, but I am so reluctant. I'm so afraid of putting too much on his plate and that (in turn) will lead him to start using again. Before, he relapsed because of pressure, so I've become this woman who walks on eggs around him just to avoid adding more to his life. I clean the house. I do the dishes. I keep things organized, do the laundry, take care of the baby. Every time he asks to help, I cringe inside and say, "no, it's ok!" And I do it with a smile.
If he gets in a bad mood because of something at work or trivial things (like driving and getting mad at someone for cutting him off,) I feel like it's my job to make sure he doesn't get TOO mad or he'll start using again. I try not to argue with him or make him upset. Because, again, I feel like I have to make his life easier so he just doesn't use.
The logical part of me says he'll use again if he wants to, no matter what I say or do, but there's another part of me that just can't let go of that control over myself and attempt to control the situation.
Also, after having come here, I realize that I am different from some folks in that I don't have issues "leaving" him and I never have. I feel more like "a runner" than I do a co-dependent, as if I'd flee at the first sign of trouble. I still snoop for signs that he's using (have not found anything and his behavior tells me he's clean.) But, it's like I'm LOOKING for some reason to leave and go and run from the hardship of worry and questioning and uncertainty. Perhaps this is another form of co-dependency? I don't know.
I feel like it's so hard to be happy for him, to care about him (yet inside, I know I do love him.) But, I've had to rebuild that and it's been such hard work. I keep expecting it to all crumble in my fingers, to fall apart, that all my work will be for nothing. I know how I sound--selfish and absolute. I wish I knew how to get through this part. It's been so rough.
Thank you for reading.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
(((((hugs)))))))
I know what you are going through. I'm a big control freak lol, not just in my husbands addiction but in other areas of my life too.
What is helping me is learning to trust myself and my decisions. I have absolutly no control over what my AH does or how he is chosing to live his life.
I'm taking things one day at a time, turning everything over to my HP and I'm starting to do things for "ME".
I'm still early in my recovery and have a lot of work to do on my control issues but since detatching and recreating my reality I have felt so much peace.
I know what you are going through. I'm a big control freak lol, not just in my husbands addiction but in other areas of my life too.
What is helping me is learning to trust myself and my decisions. I have absolutly no control over what my AH does or how he is chosing to live his life.
I'm taking things one day at a time, turning everything over to my HP and I'm starting to do things for "ME".
I'm still early in my recovery and have a lot of work to do on my control issues but since detatching and recreating my reality I have felt so much peace.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
It sounds like you are trying to protect him from everyday life situations that we all deal with. The difference is that he can't handle it without a crutch and that scares you into thinking he will use that crutch again. Yes, no matter how much you protect him if he wants to use again...he will. He has to learn how to handle himself insituations without your protection and or drugs.
I know the more my daughter is able to handle on her own the better she feels about herself and the less desire she has to use. She just told me a couple of days ago how much her self esteem has improved. I quit protecting her from life. She is learning to face her own consequenses. The thing is.....she is making the right descisions, and she is making them without my help.
Take a step back and focus on your own life. I think you will continue to resent him if you don't. I resented my daughter for a long time because she was just too much work for me. Most of the time it was because of my own doing.
If he doesn't straighten up his life on his own and you can't live with it then you might have to make a descision to leave. You do have a baby to protect and that is the most important right now.
Detach with love from his dysfunction.
Hugs............Lo
I know the more my daughter is able to handle on her own the better she feels about herself and the less desire she has to use. She just told me a couple of days ago how much her self esteem has improved. I quit protecting her from life. She is learning to face her own consequenses. The thing is.....she is making the right descisions, and she is making them without my help.
Take a step back and focus on your own life. I think you will continue to resent him if you don't. I resented my daughter for a long time because she was just too much work for me. Most of the time it was because of my own doing.
If he doesn't straighten up his life on his own and you can't live with it then you might have to make a descision to leave. You do have a baby to protect and that is the most important right now.
Detach with love from his dysfunction.
Hugs............Lo
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Originally Posted by ZombieWife 
Bad Week
I'm so afraid of putting too much on his plate and that (in turn) will lead him to start using again. Before, he relapsed because of pressure, so I've become this woman who walks on eggs around him just to avoid adding more to his life. I clean the house. I do the dishes. I keep things organized, do the laundry, take care of the baby. Every time he asks to help, I cringe inside and say, "no, it's ok!" And I do it with a smile.
If he gets in a bad mood because of something at work or trivial things (like driving and getting mad at someone for cutting him off,) I feel like it's my job to make sure he doesn't get TOO mad or he'll start using again. I try not to argue with him or make him upset. Because, again, I feel like I have to make his life easier so he just doesn't use.
The logical part of me says he'll use again if he wants to, no matter what I say or do, but there's another part of me that just can't let go of that control over myself and attempt to control the situation.
I feel like it's so hard to be happy for him, to care about him (yet inside, I know I do love him.) But, I've had to rebuild that and it's been such hard work. I keep expecting it to all crumble in my fingers, to fall apart, that all my work will be for nothing. I know how I sound--selfish and absolute. I wish I knew how to get through this part. It's been so rough.
I'm so afraid of putting too much on his plate and that (in turn) will lead him to start using again. Before, he relapsed because of pressure, so I've become this woman who walks on eggs around him just to avoid adding more to his life. I clean the house. I do the dishes. I keep things organized, do the laundry, take care of the baby. Every time he asks to help, I cringe inside and say, "no, it's ok!" And I do it with a smile.
If he gets in a bad mood because of something at work or trivial things (like driving and getting mad at someone for cutting him off,) I feel like it's my job to make sure he doesn't get TOO mad or he'll start using again. I try not to argue with him or make him upset. Because, again, I feel like I have to make his life easier so he just doesn't use.
The logical part of me says he'll use again if he wants to, no matter what I say or do, but there's another part of me that just can't let go of that control over myself and attempt to control the situation.
I feel like it's so hard to be happy for him, to care about him (yet inside, I know I do love him.) But, I've had to rebuild that and it's been such hard work. I keep expecting it to all crumble in my fingers, to fall apart, that all my work will be for nothing. I know how I sound--selfish and absolute. I wish I knew how to get through this part. It's been so rough.
Your feelings are your feelings, and IMHO they are natural......the trust you had in him to be responsible, to be a good husband has been damaged. So I don't see you as selfish at all.....just trying to make sense of your life. You're moving forward.....for yourself and your family.
As for the rest of your post, I totally relate to the trying to "shelter". I've been doing that for years too......I do everything around here!!
For me, I see it as a codependent thing that I think my AH is taking advantage of. An example: if he wants something to drink, he'll say something like "I wish I had some juice right now"....so I go and get it. I am trying to break the habit, but its hard because I am so used to just doing it and he whines so much when he doesn't get what he wants. I feel like I've created a monster....lol. The bottom line is, he will use if he wants to, I guess, and we can't always be there to protect them. They need to learn to do it for themselves.
Do you think that maybe gradually giving him more responsibility would help take some pressure off of you? I don't mean letting him take care of your baby just yet.....but maybe cooking dinner for a change or cleaning, so you can take some time for you or studying. I don't think that would be unfair of you to ask as something you need.
Sorry you are having a bad week, but I hope its over soon.......sending hugs and good thoughts your way (and hoping its an easy test
)
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
heya Zombie-
Sorry you're stressed - you got a lot going on girl!
((((hugs)))
So what's the deal? You're gonna do the dishes and the laundry and the everything so your man can just be busy bein' a man and coping with his addiction/recovery?
And is that ever going to stop? Or are you waiting for some kind of sign and then it will be a smooth transition to: let's split this responsibility in half?
When we do for others what they should be capable of doing for themselves we are enabling. Whether they are actively addicted or in recovery - you cannot shield them from REALITY. The responsibilities of parenthood, daily living, finances, etc. are the responsibilities of adulthood - you didn't create them, they are not "problems" or "hassles" for your AH they are a mature person's REALITY.
For me I would be building up resentment and pressure and would probably end up raging at him at some point because it isn't fair. Look at all you're carrying AND SCHOOL!!! You're amazing. You need him to do his share because it is just that: HIS share, not yours to dole out or shield him from. You let him do his share not because it will teach him anything, not because it will help you, but because it is HIS share, his responsibility, his life.
Take it easy on yourself - get off the eggshells and onto solid ground - you deserve to feel solid ground under your feet!
Good luck on your finals - I am in school too - 3 weeks till finals and major papers due all this week...UGH! And my kids are big - I cannot imagine how hard it would be with a baby! You are strong and courageous!
Peace,
B.
Sorry you're stressed - you got a lot going on girl!
((((hugs)))
So what's the deal? You're gonna do the dishes and the laundry and the everything so your man can just be busy bein' a man and coping with his addiction/recovery?
And is that ever going to stop? Or are you waiting for some kind of sign and then it will be a smooth transition to: let's split this responsibility in half?
When we do for others what they should be capable of doing for themselves we are enabling. Whether they are actively addicted or in recovery - you cannot shield them from REALITY. The responsibilities of parenthood, daily living, finances, etc. are the responsibilities of adulthood - you didn't create them, they are not "problems" or "hassles" for your AH they are a mature person's REALITY.
For me I would be building up resentment and pressure and would probably end up raging at him at some point because it isn't fair. Look at all you're carrying AND SCHOOL!!! You're amazing. You need him to do his share because it is just that: HIS share, not yours to dole out or shield him from. You let him do his share not because it will teach him anything, not because it will help you, but because it is HIS share, his responsibility, his life.
Take it easy on yourself - get off the eggshells and onto solid ground - you deserve to feel solid ground under your feet!
Good luck on your finals - I am in school too - 3 weeks till finals and major papers due all this week...UGH! And my kids are big - I cannot imagine how hard it would be with a baby! You are strong and courageous!
Peace,
B.
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