11d

My drug addicted husband of 17 years has been out of rehab for 4 months. We have 3 kids who do not know that he is a drug addict. I only found out he was abusing drugs the night before he went to rehab. I have been faithfully reading and educating myself on addiction. I know I am a codependent and have almost finished reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I am learning to detach with love. I was wondering if others out there felt the way I am starting to feel. Everything has become clear to me. My husband and I are textbook on addicts and codependents. As I detach and really look at his behavior (and Mine) past and present, I am starting to wonder if I really am "in-love" with him. He has hurt me so deeply emotionally. We have become isolated from former friends, there is no laughter in our home, we don't have sex b/c of his erectile dysfunction due to his former drug use, we have no social life. I don't laugh with him anymore, nor do I cry with him. We exist. Is this common? Is this still new? Do most marriages end after drug abuse?

BayAreaPhoenix

11d - My experience was as you described. No love, laughter, intimacy, friendship, partnership, sex life, etc. I finally said I wanted a divorce. Three weeks later, I found out that I had been married to an opiate addict.

For me, since most of 12-13 year relationship was, in my opinion, very unfulfilling, we don't have enough "good times" to fall back on or a strong foundation to try to rebuild. Finding out about the addiction did set me back several paces, deep down I knew I wanted out, but I did question for a while - based on this new information - If I should give it more time and one last real try. I had no more time left in me to give. Individually, we all have to make this choice, and only you will know what is right for you.

When you are ready to make a decision, you will. In the meantime, sounds like you are well on your way to educating yourself and learning how to move forward in a healthy way.

Good luck to you -

11d

He is went into rehab Oct. 26, 2007. He has been clean since. I never knew he was doing drugs. At first I thought he was tired from work. Then I thought he was having an affair because he either stayed at the camp or at work (where he was getting his drugs). When at home, he was VERY distant, irritable, or sleeping. The few times we did something, he was the life of the party! But those times were getting fewer and far apart. I was very busy with the house and kids. It makes sense now. He started using after the birth of our 3rd child. He had been using for about 5 years. I don't feel like I know him. I do get angry at times and then depressed b/c we had a great marriage and alot of fun prior to his drug use. Now, I really don't know if I want to be with him. He has carved me into the perfect codependent. Now, i don't want to be that.....I am trying hard not to. BUT it makes me realize I have totally lost myself. I am trying to find that person, I really don't think that social fun loving person wants to be with this "stranger". How sad.....I read alot and see that alot of people with experience with drug addicted marriages end in divorce. I am still with him b/c of kids, the 1 year commitment to not making a big decision, and I did love him at one time. Is this what people find out when they detach? When they stop playing their game?

wooforever

11d,

You have come to the right place for finding good advice. I was married to an addict for 13 years. But I have stuck with him for all his drugs issues, jail, prison, the lying, cheating and everything else. Until this weekend I always thought maybe just maybe if he could just stay clean. We had good times and bad times, but the bad times just started to out weight the good times. I let myself lose all my friends expect for 1. I let him make me feel like I it was my fault or sons fault or his brothers fault because he died, that made him go to the drugs.

But if you are staying for the kids do not. You cannot stay for them you have to stay for yourself or you have to leave because you do not love him anymore. If you are in a marriage with no love why put yourself thru it.

11d

I am afraid to leave because of my kids. While he was in rehab, I found cigerettes in my 14 year old son's room. I know I blew it out of proportion.....I was VERY sensitive at that time. I am afraid if I leave my husband, I won't be able to deal with my kids, house, work,....I have no confidence in myself. I think if my husband could beat this.....what a great inspiration and teacher he would be. BUT that still doesn't mean I am in love with him. There are days that are not too good. Like today when my husband became angry because I didn't send a payment on his rehab stay. That is something i feel he needs to take care of. I usually pay the bills, but this is his bill. His responsibility. He was angry because he works and I stay at home and he feels that I should take care of that! and I am not. I am so afraid that my kids are going to take it hard and make poor decisions. And I know it it has only been 5 months that he is clean. I am trying to give it a chance. I just don't know...I see now what he has done.

best

Marriage counseling. Marriage encounter weekends. Time.
As he grows in his recovery (he is working a program yes?) He will start to find places he needs to grow and learn...aside from the drugs use.

I am proof that a marriage can work once a solid recovery program is followed and the tools learned get used.
If he is willing to work at it, it can work. I know you would be willing if you knew what could be.
What can be.... Since finding a solid recovery...my marriage has been the best it has ever been. The past 7 years have been the best of all 32.
If he works at it...your marriage can do the same.

MrsMagoo

11, I have wondered the same thing. Since reading books on co-dependency, I have found the more I try and detach, the more is feels like I just don't care anymore and that is bothersome to me. I thought I was head over heels in love with AH but since he relapsed, I feel betrayed and so disappointed in him. When he relapsed the second time, at the first time of trouble, I have had to wonder if this is what my life is going to be defined as and do I want this? Do I want this for the kids? Don't I want to be a good strong role model for my kids? The way I see it, I will probably do them more harm than good by sticking and staying UNLESS he really stays clean and REALLY works a program.

When he was working a program after the first relapse (he was clean for 10 years before I met him), we actually were stronger. We talked about why he relapsed, vowed to be truthful, to be more in touch with each other feelings, to attend recovery programs, etc. This second time as a little harder to swallow. Now I feel like it might be made into a lifetime of excuses to use and get clean and use and get clean.

You have to do what's right for you but you might want to give it a little more time. Is he working a program? Can you get involved? It did help me. I don't know how old your children are (except the 14 year old with cigerrettes) but they might benefit from a support group too if they know what's going on. If they don't know exactly what's happening, they have an idea and shouldn't be underestimated.

Whew, good luck and I hope you find your center and your peace. We spouses get lost in the addiction just like the addict themselves, we just don't get the buzz, we get to clean up the destruction. Are you willing to assume that role if it happens again? It might. It might not.

:ghug3

bluebelle

That is about when my RAH started outpatient therapy. I understand what you mean about him becoming more and more distant and isolated. I also know what you mean about him being the "life of the party" sometimes--but, getting less and less. Melodie Battle's books are excellent. Have you read the next book? Beyond Codependency? I read that one too, and it really helped me. It is about time that I read them both again. Have you looked into therapy for yourself? My best advice is to take care of yourself. What do you need to do for you? I had to make a list of what I needed to do for myself and put it on the fridge. I listed things like eating regular meals, getting enough sleep, taking my medicine on time, exercising, stretching, journaling or reading. Journaling is really helpful. It can help you through this whole process. You can see your progress from day to day. I also like the Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns. It is for depression. It helps you focus on self talk--making it more positive.

My RAH is much better than he was in October, but we have had rough patches. Who knows whether or not we'll make it through this. We've been together 11 years, and he was addicted to codeine 7 of those years. Fortunately, his kids are now grown. How old are your kids?

outtolunch

In the meantime, perhaps consider going back to school part time and work on yourself. Learning a new skill will do wonders for your self esteem and create a better foundation for the future.

itisatruth

Hi 11d and welcome, I'm sorry you are now faced with such important and confusing questions. I actually posted last week about whether or not I still feel in love with my AH. I think the things you are feeling are very common in marriages dealing with addiction. Marriages take work, work from both partners. It sounds like you have been doing a lot of that work.

My AH has been using prescribed painkillers and meth in the past. I can't stand him when he is using, and he has had so many relapses, I can barely remember what our lives used to be like. I can hardly believe he is the same person I married 9 years ago. I also used to laugh...I loved life and its potential. Now......sometimes I don't even want to leave the house. I understand that you want to do what's right for the kids, but I really hope you do what you can to get back to the person you were, whatever that may be......counseling, al-anon, journaling, reading.....

One thing someone said to me when I first joined SR was that the best thing I can do for myself is take care of myself. Someday I might decide to leave, but it hasn't happened yet, and that's ok for now because I am doing all I can do. All you can do is take things one day, one step at a time. Take care.

11d

Thank all of you who have responded. It helps so much to hear from you. He is working a 12-step program. I have done alot of soul searching with this program. I try hard practicing detaching, listening, and trying to say no; to him and my kids. I thought about trying something part-time. Actually, I went back to work part time at my old job when he was in rehab for someone out on maternity. It was really great to get out. I just feel now that I am scared to find a new place to work/school. I find new things scare me and I worry about my kids at home; especially the 14 y.o.. I know...codependent! I know I don't have the answer to stay or leave. I can't imagine if he relapses. I told him when I pick him up from rehab that the there would not be a next time. I will leave. Some days I see him so depressed and irritable. He is taking Welbutrin and hopefully We can work through this. I try to keep the thoughts of what "best" said....their marriage is the best it has ever been. We just have so many things lacking right now.

wooforever

11d,

Worrying about your kids is not being codependent. It is what did you do when you found smokes? You need to start getting help for the kids. YOu should look into Alteen-or some type of group for kids his age. I watched my sons grades go from A's to D's all because he did not like the fact that I still let his Father around when he was still using or letting him take showers because he is homeless. My son is 15 yrs old he still has bad days and good days but they are getting better.

You have to find out what is going on with your kids! Sit down talk to them. Tell them what is going on if you have not already. They know what is happening and I think you might be surprised what they say. Why can not you guys live apart for a little while.

If you guys were meant to be it will happen. But you said you are not in love with him, only staying because of the kids. That is no way for marriage or for husbands recovery and the familys recovery.

Go get a part time job and work on yourself. YOu will help your kids by showing them you are really trying to work on you. So if your husband does not relapse and you are still unhappy what then. What if the mean person your husband has become is really him.

best

Two things I see above... A beginning where you use the correct words..."we"
and I see love as well. Love is an action not a feeling. You have loving actions going on towards him in each of your posts.
If/when... he works through the steps and continues with his recovery... the feelings will return because his proper actions will bring out the good feelings in you.
As for the we part of things... Yes I had to find my recovery but my wife also had to be working on her recovery also.
Who needed more work? I would say me but it was still a "we" needed to each do our part. The stronger you get in your own recovery, the stronger your marriage can become. The stronger he gets in his recovery... the happier your marriage can become.
It takes two...even though his part may be 90% and your part 10%...it still takes two to make things whole.
Grow and learn in your own recovery and no matter what the future holds... you will be standing firm in your own recovery. As he works his recovery, things will start to balance.

11d

Thank you! I will continue to have faith. We have not told the kids. Never thought is was the right time. I guess I have to believe that I will know when the time is right to tell them, just as I will know whether to stay or leave. Just live one day at a time. There are so many unanswered questions/feelings. I guess I need to give it more.

prissy88

i am so confused by the things that have happened in life in the last few years. i was married for 27 years to a someone i now realize i did not know for the last 6 years of my marriage! i would write more but i don't know if you have received this or not. im new at this and no one has responed to any of my messages