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Why is she bothering me so much?

Old 03-04-2008, 07:24 PM
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Why is she bothering me so much?

As I posted a few days ago, my ex recently stole my credit card, charging hundreds of dollars of "gifts" to himself on my behalf, and claimed it was a "mistake." Apparently the boxes shipped to my old apartment with my name on them weren't an indication that the mistake had been made - so he ordered more...
Anyway - I filed a police report, after providing him an opportunity to return the things, which he refused to do. Apparently in trying to reach him, they got in touch with his mother, who said she'd pay the bill. She also informed the detective that she would like me never to contact her again.
Now - I haven't contacted her in over a month. Since the last time she asked me to filter communication through her, and then when I did, she was furious that I shared information with her that made her son look bad.

I realize that I need to be mad at my ex.. And I am to a point, but I'm also no longer surprised by things like this, so I guess I'm kind of numb to it. What I'm truly hurt over, is her comments to the detective, essentially blaming me for what happened. I'm FURIOUS. I know she's enabling, and that she needs to get to the same point I have on her own. I also know that being a mother is very different than being a live in girlfriend. But I've also listened to her yell and complain time and time again about how he needs to learn a lesson, that she's doesn't have the money to keep bailing him out... etc etc etc....

I'm not sure why I'm so mad. I guess I expect it from him - and it's clear why he thinks it's acceptable to behave this way... Why wouldn't he if his own mother tells him that I'm the crazy one? That I'm just some trashy girl that calls the cops? But from her - I guess I expected more from her. All the months of her telling me not to put up with his behavior... And the minute I stop doing it, I'm the bad guy.

I'm not sure that there's anything to say about this... It is what it is, and she will continue to enable him until she's ready to stop. But I needed to vent...
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Old 03-04-2008, 07:59 PM
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Ahhhh Newcomer - I'm so sorry. I haven't talked to my soon to be ex-in-laws. I wanted to let him have his own support system. If my MIL did this to me, I don't know how I'd feel. Probably like you do now. Nothing you can do but vent, and know you're doing what you need to, but still ....

Looking at you from the outside, I can clearly see that she doesn't want to hear from someone who knows exactly what her son is. It's not you. But, if I reverse it, the feeling would be two-fold. Understanding and confusion.

Try to step outside. Good for you for writing it out. It does help so much to not just write some things down, but send them out for all of us to see.

((((hugs))))
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Old 03-04-2008, 10:44 PM
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It is what it is, and she will continue to enable him until she's ready to stop.

You know, I bet she thinks something similar about you. (we don't have a 'raised eyebrow smilie... grin).

She would like YOU to be the tough guy - to "keep her son" from using. So when you actually do the right thing and walk away... she is angry with you, and not her son. Just as you are angry with her, and not her son.


That boy must be quite the charmer! (And since I only fall in love with alcoholic/addicts, I can just imagine!)

I hope you can find a way to forgive her for being so nasty. That hatred and anger is most likely stuff she feels about herself... projected out on you.

I am learning through my step work and working with my Alanon sponsr that for me, the stuff that I see in other folks that grates on me the hardest, are usually my OWN faults.

The alcoholics say it short and sweet... "you spot it, you got it".

And they are right... generally, I do.



None of this may apply to your situation at all... but that is how it works for me. I am glad you are here. Most of us have been in your shoes, or are going through something similar even now.


I wish you the best.
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Old 03-05-2008, 05:35 AM
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Thank you for the kind words.... I think it's less that I'm angry at her instead of her son - mostly that I spent so much time being angry at my ex, that nothing really surprises me anymore. I'm numb at this point. I guess she has never hurt me in the "complete and total betrayal" way before - so I wasn't quite expecting it. Although, if I had thought about it, I knew she'd react this way.
It was just hard enough having to file the police report and dispute the charges without having to justify my actions to the detective, or anyone else for that matter. She made me out to the be the gold-digging ex-gf.... Little does the detective know, there is no gold to dig there!!
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Old 03-05-2008, 09:51 AM
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Better run all three credit reports too.
You never know what people have been doing until you default on a "loan" you never knew you had.
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Old 03-05-2008, 10:40 AM
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I know, I have thought of that already. I don't THINK he would have all my info - but at this point, I wouldn't put anything past him. I have already run my credit this year, and it's only 1 free report each year. And I know it takes about 6 months for things to show up on your credit a lot of times. But from what I've learned, and I've been doing a lot of research lately, I can notify the credit bureaus that my information has been compromised so that it is on record in the event that I need to dispute something down the road....

Ah - the fun just doesn't stop, does it?
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