help, please
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
It's ok to give and try to help, if that's what you want to do, but don't expect anything in return - don't expect him to get better. don't expect him to appreciate what you've done. As long as you are comfortable with what you've done, that's all that matters. Just don't expect him to stop asking you for things or grow up or change. And don't expect change. Because expectations are premeditated resentments.
hang in there.
hang in there.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hi Moose, sorry I am late.
If I've learned anything the last four years, it is that there is no such thing as "One Size Fits All".
As we and our children mature - using or not - we find new lows and new ways to cope. We discover pitfalls that surprise us and strength we never knew we had.
Each of us.
And we handle each situation based on our intimate understanding of what we can and cannot live with.
Thank you for sharing this here, so each of us can take away a bit of the lesson... for our "next time".
(((loving hugs)))
If I've learned anything the last four years, it is that there is no such thing as "One Size Fits All".
As we and our children mature - using or not - we find new lows and new ways to cope. We discover pitfalls that surprise us and strength we never knew we had.
Each of us.
And we handle each situation based on our intimate understanding of what we can and cannot live with.
Thank you for sharing this here, so each of us can take away a bit of the lesson... for our "next time".
(((loving hugs)))
Jujubee Queen
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Thanks to all for replying.
Much better day today, yesterday, I just needed my "phone a friend option."
That is an option, right?
I think we all have to remember, that just because our addicts call us, it's OUR choice whether to take that call or not.
Kitty,
Believe me, I have LOW expectations for his sobriety, or recovery.
What I have is Hope.
And faith that his H.P. knows more than I do.(JK)..
Much better day today, yesterday, I just needed my "phone a friend option."
That is an option, right?
I think we all have to remember, that just because our addicts call us, it's OUR choice whether to take that call or not.
Kitty,
Believe me, I have LOW expectations for his sobriety, or recovery.
What I have is Hope.
And faith that his H.P. knows more than I do.(JK)..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Moose)))
Sorry I'm late on this, but it seems like you've handled the situation really well.
I am 46 years old and STILL call dad when anything goes wrong! When I was about to run out of gas in the middle of nowhere on my way to my uncle's funeral in MN, I called dad, who was several hours behind me....he, very nicely, said "what do you think I can do about it". I had to laugh and told him "nothing, but you're my dad and you can usually think of SOMETHING!!" And he did...told me to call my other uncle, since I was close to MN. (luckily, a gas station "appeared" as I was on the phone with my uncle).
So, I think it's one of those kid-parent things....kids call their parents when they're stressed, parents are stressed when it's something they can't or shouldn't fixed.
Luckily, I've gotten to the point that I can usually figure things out on my own...eventually. Of course, I still have to get dad's point of view, as well as those of my friends here at SR
Just because we get older, doesn't mean we don't still have those times when we panic and just need to talk to our mom or dad.
I think you did really good, and hope you are back to enjoying the FL sunshine.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Sorry I'm late on this, but it seems like you've handled the situation really well.
I am 46 years old and STILL call dad when anything goes wrong! When I was about to run out of gas in the middle of nowhere on my way to my uncle's funeral in MN, I called dad, who was several hours behind me....he, very nicely, said "what do you think I can do about it". I had to laugh and told him "nothing, but you're my dad and you can usually think of SOMETHING!!" And he did...told me to call my other uncle, since I was close to MN. (luckily, a gas station "appeared" as I was on the phone with my uncle).
So, I think it's one of those kid-parent things....kids call their parents when they're stressed, parents are stressed when it's something they can't or shouldn't fixed.
Luckily, I've gotten to the point that I can usually figure things out on my own...eventually. Of course, I still have to get dad's point of view, as well as those of my friends here at SR
Just because we get older, doesn't mean we don't still have those times when we panic and just need to talk to our mom or dad.
I think you did really good, and hope you are back to enjoying the FL sunshine.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
((moose))
Yes, I too like the "phone a friend" option. It's an amazing thing, because when one person reaches out and the other answers that phone, BOTH benefit greatly from the conversation. You never know if that phone call was just exactly what the other person needed at the time.
Hope you're enjoying another day at the beach.
It's 12 here. Lots of snow.
Yes, I too like the "phone a friend" option. It's an amazing thing, because when one person reaches out and the other answers that phone, BOTH benefit greatly from the conversation. You never know if that phone call was just exactly what the other person needed at the time.
Hope you're enjoying another day at the beach.
It's 12 here. Lots of snow.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Moose,
I am so sorry I am coming to this so late, but as usual, great support offered here from the good folks at SR!
Oh boy, do I ever know that "knee buckling" feeling when they call crying. Just rips my heart right out and I'm prone to lose any sense of recovery that I've ever had!
I think you did good, Moose. You didn't react immediately which is what I want to do when my heart is hurting for them. You used your lifeline (posting here) and then took time to think it through.
You didn't save him. Very good. Reminds me of a comment I heard from a friend of mine who is on both sides of the fence...addicted and Al Anon. Said he thinks it's just so sad when someone is almost, just so close to their bottom, and then a well meaning loved one steps in and swoops them up to "save them". But you and I both know the only thing they are "saving" them from is the opportunity to recover. I'm proud you didn't "save".
Calling and affording him an appt to get some help with his ADD seems okay to me.
I'm so proud of you and am keeping you, Mr. Moose and AS in my prayers. Our HP has a plan for our kids, Moose. And there are many days I have to remind myself of that, that I am not to get in the way of the plan by trying to step in and control outcomes.
Good gosh, I'm preaching to myself here!
BIG, WARM, SOUTHERN HUGS,
Hangin' In
I am so sorry I am coming to this so late, but as usual, great support offered here from the good folks at SR!
Oh boy, do I ever know that "knee buckling" feeling when they call crying. Just rips my heart right out and I'm prone to lose any sense of recovery that I've ever had!
I think you did good, Moose. You didn't react immediately which is what I want to do when my heart is hurting for them. You used your lifeline (posting here)
and then took time to think it through.You didn't save him. Very good. Reminds me of a comment I heard from a friend of mine who is on both sides of the fence...addicted and Al Anon. Said he thinks it's just so sad when someone is almost, just so close to their bottom, and then a well meaning loved one steps in and swoops them up to "save them". But you and I both know the only thing they are "saving" them from is the opportunity to recover. I'm proud you didn't "save".
Calling and affording him an appt to get some help with his ADD seems okay to me.
I'm so proud of you and am keeping you, Mr. Moose and AS in my prayers. Our HP has a plan for our kids, Moose. And there are many days I have to remind myself of that, that I am not to get in the way of the plan by trying to step in and control outcomes.
Good gosh, I'm preaching to myself here!
BIG, WARM, SOUTHERN HUGS,
Hangin' In
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
Oh Moose....
this is why i
to you.
it is so hard to stay objective when you're feeling so much in your heart.
despite that your recovery just shines right through. you reasoned everything with yourself and came up with a good solution for yourself and your son by doing the motherly thing but not enabling or keeping him from his consequences. it's ironic how when you took the time to step away your son also had a chance to calm down.
many hugs to you....and it may not be good hygiene but i may have to borrow someone's big girl panties one day. i promise i'll wash them before returning them.
this is why i
to you.it is so hard to stay objective when you're feeling so much in your heart.
despite that your recovery just shines right through. you reasoned everything with yourself and came up with a good solution for yourself and your son by doing the motherly thing but not enabling or keeping him from his consequences. it's ironic how when you took the time to step away your son also had a chance to calm down.
many hugs to you....and it may not be good hygiene but i may have to borrow someone's big girl panties one day. i promise i'll wash them before returning them.
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