VanessaLee13

I need some opinions here, not dealing with my ABF, but my family. Little bit of background:
My mom died when I was 21 (I am now 26). My sister Sarah was 17 (now 22), my other sister Leann was 15 (now 20). They were both still living at home with my dad at the time. Leann went through a lot of stuff, mental breakdowns, trips to the psych ER, a lot of up and down with her mental state. (Incidentally, since then she has developed an addiction/heavy dependence on marijuana.) My dad went through all that with her and feels this responsibility/connection for/with her (he always talks about how she has come so far, is now doing well in school and at work, off Paxil, etc). Sarah on the other hand never truly dealt with her feelings about my mom's death--too much to go into regarding that. Sarah and Leann have a history of some pretty nasty fights with each other. Both my sisters finally moved out of my dad's house in the past year and a half or so (Sarah first), but unfortunately several months ago decided to move in together (they also work together). To help get them out of the house (my dad was not enjoying having them living at home, with the fighting, etc), my dad agreed to help pay for rent. I'm not sure exactly how it works, but I think it is technically money he is giving to Leann, and I think it is like $500/month. He is still paying this. It's been at least a year.
Partially cause this money is technically going to Leann, and because my dad definitely favors Leann, Sarah has developed a big middle child syndrome. Sarah definitely doesn't make much effort to connect with anyone in the family, but my dad takes that and uses it as more of an excuse to favor Leann ("well, Leann will just call me to talk, and Sarah only calls me when she needs something", etc etc). So it's a big cycle. Sarah doesn't make much of an effort cause she feels my dad favors Leann, my dad continues to feel justified in favoring Leann cause he feels Sarah doesn't care/make an effort.

Anyways. . . . . . . It has been OK with them living together, but just in the past couple days, they apparently got in a huge blowout (I live 2 1/2 hours away, so I've just been hearing about this from my dad), physically fighting, etc. Leann I think has been staying with my dad for a couple days. Sarah's sending my dad text messages saying, "are you going to f**k me over and not pay the rent?", saying stuff about him enabling Leann. My dad is all upset. I just talked to him briefly on the phone and he said he had to go and couldn't talk about it cause he was getting upset. I think cause I didn't take his/Leann's side. I basically said that yes, Sarah does go to a bad place (and has said some pretty nasty things to my dad now and in the past) with her feelings of resentment. But she is pretty much still a kid and my dad needs to be the adult. I told him that he really is enabling Leann. He doesn't see it. But what else would you call paying the rent for someone who is using most of her money to buy drugs? Haha. I told him that he shouldn't be involved at all. They are both legal adults who work. He shouldn't be letting Leann stay at the house, and he shouldn't be getting involved in this at all.

So, sorry this has been so long, but my question is: as soon as I got off the phone, I wanted to sit down and write him an email. I want to tell him how he is enabling Leann, how he really does favor her, and how regardless of what Leann has been though, he needs to let her be an adult. That even though Sarah maybe shouldn't act the way she does, what she is responding to is valid--the favoritism, enabling, etc on my dad's part. So, should I write this email? Does anyone think it would help to do this? Or is that getting too involved and it won't help my dad or sisters either way?

Thanks so much for your opinions! And thanks for reading!
Love you all!
Vanessa

BayAreaPhoenix

Wow - what an aweful lot! I don't have siblings so I don't really know any dynamics from the inside. IMO, you've already told your Dad he's enabling, and if he chooses to continue doing so, seems like it's his choice. It's also his choice how he deals with your sisters. Sounds like he is getting from both sisters what he has put in. He also has to face the consequences of his choices - just like you! I think parents should be the adult at all times (that's just my opinion), and I think favoritism would be hurtful, but again - not having siblings I don't know this first-hand, but doesn't seem too much of a stretch to be able to understand.

This probably is not the sort of "help" or opinion you were looking for. But, if you can keep yourself centered in the midst of the chaos of your family's dynamics, seems that that might speak louder than anything.

Good luck with all that, it sounds draining! Remember, take care of yourself!!!

VanessaLee13

Thanks so much. I tend not to get too involved with what's going on, especially since I live in another state. I was upset after I got off the phone for about 5 minutes, but calmed down before I even finished writing my original post.

My dad and I are close. He didn't handle my mom's death all that well either, made a lot of mistakes, which he freely admits now. The first Christmas after she died, I didn't even go home to spend with my family cause of some choices he made. We didn't talk for a few months. But things between us are great now. I figure this situation with my sister will end up being the same as what happened after my mom died. Some time from now, he'll realize he was wrong and admit it.

Thanks again.

BayAreaPhoenix

That's the way!

Ann

Vanessa, I know how hard it is to watch family dysfunction, I have two brothers and one is terrific and the other separated himself from family years ago.

The thing is, your dad is an adult trying to make good decisions in a "can't win" situation. My guess is that he loves all his children, but as happens in life, each child is different and therefore so is his relationship with each different.

My thoughts are to take a giant step back and let these people sort out their own problems and relationships. I learned that getting in the middle just leaves me wide open to the line of fire and never takes me any place good.

But then again, wouldn't it be nice if we could just throw our families all into a "program" where they too could find peace?

Hugs

justanothrdrunk

Three things (this little test works for lots of things):
1. Is it true?
2. Does it NEED to be said?
3. Does it need to be said by YOU?

If yes to all 3, go for it.

VanessaLee13

Thank you so much codeinewife, Ann, and justanothrdrunk. I think, at least for now, I am just going to let it go. My brother (24 years old, and not so dysfunctional ) moved back in with my dad for a bit to help pay off student loans. He's moving across state at the end of the month, but did email me asking for Sarah's email address. So I don't know if he is getting involved to any extent. But even if he is, he usually seems to be have pretty sane, unbiased opinion on any matter.

I sent Sarah a text message saying "I love you." I know she has just as many psychological/emotional problems as Leann has had (if not more), but they just manifest themselves differently. I may just send my dad a little note pointing that out to him. I know he has trouble realizing this, because of the mean things she says to him. So I may decide just to point this out and leave it at that.

I usually miss living in my hometown so much. I know I will move home sometime in the next few-several years. But it's times like these that it is a little easier living far away from it all! Haha.

Thank you so much!
Vanessa