tnthelp

Ok guys, I let him come home Thursday, he came over Wednesday and we talked for a while he said all the right stuff but I couldn't help but to say talk is cheap, actions speak volume. I told him to give me the night to think about it and we'd talk tomorrow. He gets paid on Wednesday so I figured he'd get high that night. He tried to give me his pay check but I wouldn't take it. (I felt guilty for not taking his money, maybe he really needed me to keep it from him) BUT I have learned it hurts when he falls when I help. Anyway... he came the next day and still had all his money. He made it through one night on his own!!! Who'da thought lol..
He went through 4 days of eating, sleeping and not saying a word to anyone then woke up Sunday morning and said I said lets go eat breakfast at the Star, (our hang out, all the old timers sit and talk about cattle, who died, and what such-n-such did) It really shocked me, just like that, he's wanting to go back to our boring old life...
We talked about rehab and he said, "T. I can do this, I've been to rehab, I know what I have to do. It's a mental thing, I'm the one that has to do this."

Do you guys think an addict can remember what they learned from rehab years before or do they need it again after every relapse?
I keep telling myself "T Don't get your hopes up, this could be another lie" ........... I'm posting this in subst abuse forum so I get both points of view.

laurie6781

As a recovering alkie/addict with many years and many years in Alanon also, I have to say that no one can say what another will or will not be able to do.

However, that being said...........................from my own experience from working with those trying to maintain staying clean and sober, an individual NEEDS SOMETHING. Be it NA meetings, AA meetings, outpatient treatment, one on one counseling, etc.

It is an EXTREMELY DIFFICULT task for the addict to change one's ways. The use of drugs and/or alcohol are but a SYMPTOM of MUCH DEEPER problems. Unless those problems are dealt with (old fears, lack of self esteem, not able to deal with emotions, etc etc) the individual will return to their DOC.

My suggestion to you would be to attend Naranon or Alanon (many times Alanon meetings are more readily available than Naranon) take a big STEP BACK and just watch his ACTIONS. Words are cheap............................his actions over time will tell you if in fact he is working on recovery or just going through the motions.

Remember:

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

Please keep posting, and venting if need be, and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

tnthelp

ok here is one I'm having a hard time with, I week or so befor I finally made him leave, I packed his stuff, but then couldn't make myself make him leave. Well I even packed his <drug junk> Some of it got unpacked, some stayed packed, well when I did make him leave, I didn't pack anything, figured he was doing this he could take care of him self. Today, I was SNOOPIN (trust has been lost)and in some of the boxes that I packed the first time still had <Junk> in them, I'm pretty sure he hasn't seen it, because it was in boxes he'd only go into if he were needing to live straight (files, important papers ect..) I don't know why I threw it their in the first place.... anyway my question is: are these triggers or should I just leave it be and see if he throws them away???

tnthelp

wow I'm hard headed..........

You guys are the best :ghug2, I'm going to a meeting tomorrow, it's 30 miles away but I feel like need it. Hard headed again, because he said I really needed to go when we first got together. NOPE not me, this is not my problem!! hmmm, now look at me trying to figure out how get past the fear of leaving the person I love alone to make his own mistakes.

tnthelp

He's so depressed, it breaks my heart. I'm wondering how much longer he can do this on his own..........

laurie6781

For as long as he needs to. He will get 'it' when he gets 'it.'

It is now time to take the FOCUS off of him and put the FOCUS on YOU.

You can't fix him. You cannot help him.

The only person YOU can CHANGE is YOU.

This is one thing that he got himself into and will have to get himself out of.

I was 33 1/2 years old when my parents (yes my parents, husband was already gone) totally and completely SHUT THE DOOR ON ME. If I called on the phone they would hang up, and if I came to the door it was shut in my face.

It STILL took me ANOTHER 2 1/2 years and 1 1/2 of that living on the streets to FINALLY seek recovery.

The folks later shared with me, that had they not done that, they were about to be carted off to the local mental hospital and put in padded rooms literally. They realized to SAVE THEMSELVES they had to LET GO of me.

Sweetie, SAVE YOURSELF.

Please also understand that 'part of his depression' or rather the depression he is showing you and his 'woe begone looks' etc are MANIPULATION. We alkies and/or addicts are THE GREATEST MANIPULATORS IN THE WORLD!!!!!

Ask anyone one here and they will tell you the same thing. The more we can manipulate YOU the less we have to do for ourselves.

So, go to that meeting, talk with others, keep posting here, we will help to keep you focused on you, ........................................we do care!

Love and hugs,

tnthelp

I know I can't help him, when I said how much longer he can do this on his own I mean without getting help. Then the depression: he's not showing me anything: He's p'd off, I know whats going through his head right now, he's mad as can be, he wants to quit but after he quits for a few days it gets to him and he starts to think he can't do this or he'll loose me, then it turns to him being mad at me because he's been given an ultimatum. I can tell when he's high and he knows it. It's impossible to hide for him, he can't even talk for an hour.
Now it's up to him to turn that back around, I don't know if he will or if he'll use it as an excuse to say "I do what I want". Maybe it sounds strange but this is how it is. I'm not his only place to be, his mom loves to enable him. He can go back to her and she doesn't say a word as long as he's home doing it. She has picked him up over and over.
Get this, when he told her he felt like he needed to be with someone that depended on him, she responded with "if you want that then I can depend on you, can't you do this for me" I know she loves her son, but for over 14 yrs she as been his soft landing. I've know him and her all my life. This is somehow her only role in his life. She has 6 kids and he and his addict sister are the only one's that will speak to her. Thats another story all together.

I talk to much.. but I'm ok, I see what he's going through and it hurts, but I'm very prepared for him to come home tomorrow and try to get high, I'm also just as prepared to show him the door again, only next time he'll need rehab to get back in. If he don't die he'll be back, I'm asking him to fight for himself and I see him loosing, next will be the the lies.

Why is it so hard for any one to believe he is trying? (and I do feel like he'll use tomorrow) So if he fails then he starts over again.

I'm here for now, I have loved this man all my adult life, I couldn't let him in 14 yrs ago because I had a 5 yr old daughter, but she's in college now, I won't walk away if he's trying. I missed him for to many years. I have to have closure to this, I just have to.

I love this place an the people here, you guys are always to the point, and I need that sometimes. But come on, he's not the first to suffer depression when they stopped using. Sorry, I think I needed to blow up at someone!! I can't wait to go to that meeting, I think I'm going nuts...........