rub

I knew this would happen. I hoped it wouldn't, but I knew it would. The rents are back from holidays, and within 2 hours, my AB was back living at home. Quick! I guess the lies flowed, and I wasnt around to challenge anything he said. Oh who am I kidding - that wouldn't have made a difference anyhow.

After the horrible last 2 weeks of me having to deal with my brother, of having to be the strong one who says no, tells him I wont give food or money or a ride, I am furious with my parents. I want to say how dare you put me into that position, for ME to do the dirty work while you are on vacation, and then come back and just let him move back in. Of course I realize that I allowed myself to be put there. But I am still mad and hurt, and feel like I was used by my parents, and my brother. I get all the stress, sleepless nights, phone calls. My parents get two weeks on the beach and my brother gets to move back home. What a friggen joke.

So my sister and I have had enough, and we have to detatch ourselves from this toxic mess. But, there is a problem, and I really need some advice on what to do.

Last year my husband and I purchased a business from my parents. This business is what supported my parents for over 30 years, and what will support us for the next 25. My dad is VERY knowledgable, and he continues to work "for" us, as a paid employee, and also "with" us as he helps us learn the ropes. So how the heck can I detatch from my parents with our lives being so intertwined?

How do I deal with this? What do I say? Do we just tough it out and work hard and possibly hire someone in his place? (He is casual, we call him when we need him).

Fun thoughts for a Sunday night.....

SoberAndy

You did the right thing while they were away. The thing is that "detach" doesn't mean to "cut off" from your brother or your parents. If you're brother ever decides to get clean, I hope you are there to support him, but you are right in the meantime to not enable him.

Your parents have a problem that is different. I hope you can make your parents see that they are not helping your brother, but you can't control them anymore than you can control your brother.

Addiction tears families apart, often because people cannot agree on what to do about the addict. Don't let it tear yours apart. If the subject of your brother comes up, do your best to encourage them not to enable your brother, but continue to deal with them on other subjects. If you can't reach an agreement on your brother, state your position and agree to disagree. See a family counselor if necessary. Attend a family meeting at a drug center and talk about this.

BigSis

You can redirect conversations that have to do with your brother. You can not put YOUR money toward his keep. And, you can do what they tell me to do in Alanon... keep out of their business.

If your parents are helping/rescuing/enabling your brother, it only becomes your business when the consequences are yours directly.

I didn't understand the part about "rents" - do you own a rental business and brother is now living in a unit rent-free? If so, then it directly effects your business... but if it is between the parents and him, then no.



Edited to add...

Oh.... erk.... my age is showing. "rents" = parents.


I may be slow, but I am not at full-stop, yet!!!

rub

Thanks Andy. My sister and I have encouraged our parents not to enable him. We have done that for years. So now they just lie to us about it. I know that we cannot change their behaviour. They are addicted to saving him, and we cannot change how they deal with this situation. But they come to me for help. Sometimes daily, sometimes once a week, all depending on how much trouble my brother has found.

It consumes our conversations, our thoughts, our lives. Can people really just not discuss the elephant in the room? I will try, but can it actually work?

rub

Bigsis,

Well, the consequenses of their enabling DO effect our business, and that is a part of the problem. The business was named after my dad and brother. My brother was supposed to be the one owning it when my parents retired. My Dad looks for work (the same as what we do) for my brother, so he will have money. In essence, he tries to take money from us and give it to my brother. I know that he thinks he is "helping". And we have talked with him about this and how it is both insulting to us, and just plain wrong. We paid good money for the business (over half a mil) and we have some very good legal protection, although we hope it never comes to that.

Our customers can't understand why my parents "let him get away with that crap" and in turn they lose respect for my father. It is a horrible thing to see.

My Dad also keeps some of my brothers equipment (which my dad gave him) at our shop. That gives my brother a reason to come by, even though we have made it clear we dont want him on the property. Really, its one very ugly situation.

Ann

Once we acknowledge the elephant, and get the broom and sweep up a little, there is no need to obsessively discuss it. We know it's there, it knows we know it's there, we just don't have to feed it peanuts anymore.

Prayers for you and your family. Addiction hurts the entire family. Meetings helped me regain my balance, why not try a few? You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Hugs