frustrated12

So my ex bf is a recovering drug addict. We broke up 3 months ago but still keep in touch. I know I can't change anything and I am supposed to accept the fact that I cannot do anything about that- but its hard. I feel like he is bringing me down a lot and I am not sure if that is what should be happening.
Every time he tells me he wish he were dead because it would be easier, it kills me inside. And when I have to hear his struggle, and everytime he relapses it bothers me so much. Because I still care about him, and because we're friends.
I can't believe all of you who are living with this everyday, and facing it head on. And it's not like it effects me directly, because I don't see him, but its what I hear. I don't think I could still be dating him. I'm just not strong enough and would have major trust issues, and worry all the time. Not like I don't worry all the time now. Plus I wouldn't want to add me into the equation of having something else that could let him down and interrupt his recovery.
But I mean, what am i supposed to do- not talk to him because it bothers me? wa wa wa, i'd have to tell myself to get a backbone. That I still need to be there for him and suck it up. It's just hard. ANd im sure all of you are going through the same thing.
I guess I just needed to rant.

cece1960

In a word...yes.

Its very difficult under the best of circumstances to remain friends immediately after a break up. I'm going to assume that you leave the conversation with tremendous guilt...but you know what? Chances are he leaves that same conversation with hope. Not the good hope, but the hope that maybe you'll come to his rescue, or maybe the guilt will hold on to you.

As loving as your intentions are, you're most likely doing him no favor. Letting him go may be the ticket for both of you to truly move on. No one says you can't love him in your heart, but for now, some distance may be the best thing.
Wishing you the best

((((Hugs))))

Ann

Cece said it well. WE are not the answer to their addiction/recovery, never were and never will be.

But if we hang on tight enough, it will drag us down with them...I know this because it happened to me. It's a dark place to be and very hard to escape from.

Working our own recovery gives us balance and a clear perspective so that we can make healthier choices and live well.

Sometimes we have to walk through the pain first, I know I did.

Hugs

greeteachday

It doesn't sound like it makes sense does it, that we offer support by not "being there." I found that puzzling too. My addicted loved ones were my kids, not a partner, but it is still the same. When I was there to absorb their hurts and pains like a sponge, I wasn't helping them or me. They really had to experience the pain on their own in order to find the strength to stop. Others in recovery are the real support system they needed, not me. I could be supportive and love them by simply saying I believe in you...I know that you have the strength to travel this difficult journey and I love you. Sometimes the best way I could say that was by not picking up the phone when there was a call, by not listening to the darkness...by giving them the right to own their own pain and actions and reactions.

I really like what Cece and Ann said...it really is true from my perspective. Hugs

frustrated12

So am I not supposed to talk to him at all? Or am I not supposed to talk about his recovery? I feel like he will be really upset if I cut off all ties to him. I know it's kind of soon to do the "friend thing" but we dated for 2 years and I feel like we had created a good friendship while we were dating.

aztchr

I had to stop contact after my ex and I broke up. I needed to be there for myself first.
I couldn't change his actions, he never changed, so I had to change my own behavior.
What is best for your own peace of mind?