New to the forum
Trying to get out of God's way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Freeland Michigan
Posts: 60
New to the forum
Hi everyone, I'm new to the forum, just got done crying my eyes out reading the posts in the "let me fall" thread...WOW. Heavy stuff. It really does hurt to know that we are so powerless over a loved ones addictions. I printed out 3 of the posts there and have them hanging on my computer desk to read each morning.
A little about my situation - my 20 year old son has been in trouble with the law and with drugs and alcohol since he was 17. It got so bad here at home that my husband and I literally kicked him out and he went and lived with his dad (after threatening to kill my husband, his step-dad of 13 years), I'm sure he was high at the time, but anyway...I found myself constantly "enabling" him with money, clothes, helping him find jobs (which usually lasted till the 2nd or 3rd paycheck), etc. He's done county jail time (breaking and entering a few party stores stealing beer and cigarettes), he's done boot camp, a short 30 day rehab program. When he got out of rehab, he had no place to go, so of course mom to the rescue...put a security deposit and first month's rent on an apartment (he was on electronic tether at this point). Well to make a long story a little shorter, he was back on drugs and alcohol is short time, and his PO threw him back in jail.
I found out about the Teen Challenge program and talked to his PO about it. She and I both thought it might be an ideal program for him, if not the judge would most certainly be sending him to prison. After taking to my son about it, he agreed that he would like to try to turn his life around, and the judge actually agreed to it (I was shocked, actually). He was at Teen Challenge for over 3 months, and (I thought), doing really well, getting along with everyone, taking classes, singing in the choir (which he loved). So about a week and a half ago I get a call from Teen Challenge asking what they should do with his things - and I was like "WHAT???" Well apparently he walked out that Thursday night, called someone from a pay phone to come get him (one of his "friends" no doubt). I didn't hear from him until the next Tuesday, when he was trying to get money from me (but his dad said he would pay me back!!). I told him if his dad wanted him to have money he could mail it to him, and I have not heard from him since (the 22nd).
The judge PROMISED him 23 months in prison, minimum if he came back to court after teen challenge, and now he is violating probation once again. I'm done, I'm done, I'm done - someone told me that I need to get out of God's way, and stop trying to "save" my son, and the posts in this forum are making me see the light. I plan on going to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings when I'm feeling better (have a bronchitis at the moment), hopefully they can also help me with these feelings of helplessness that I am experiencing.
It would be nice to be able to sleep at night, knowing that there is nothing I can do to make his life easier...sorry for the long post, thanks - I feel better already :-)
A little about my situation - my 20 year old son has been in trouble with the law and with drugs and alcohol since he was 17. It got so bad here at home that my husband and I literally kicked him out and he went and lived with his dad (after threatening to kill my husband, his step-dad of 13 years), I'm sure he was high at the time, but anyway...I found myself constantly "enabling" him with money, clothes, helping him find jobs (which usually lasted till the 2nd or 3rd paycheck), etc. He's done county jail time (breaking and entering a few party stores stealing beer and cigarettes), he's done boot camp, a short 30 day rehab program. When he got out of rehab, he had no place to go, so of course mom to the rescue...put a security deposit and first month's rent on an apartment (he was on electronic tether at this point). Well to make a long story a little shorter, he was back on drugs and alcohol is short time, and his PO threw him back in jail.
I found out about the Teen Challenge program and talked to his PO about it. She and I both thought it might be an ideal program for him, if not the judge would most certainly be sending him to prison. After taking to my son about it, he agreed that he would like to try to turn his life around, and the judge actually agreed to it (I was shocked, actually). He was at Teen Challenge for over 3 months, and (I thought), doing really well, getting along with everyone, taking classes, singing in the choir (which he loved). So about a week and a half ago I get a call from Teen Challenge asking what they should do with his things - and I was like "WHAT???" Well apparently he walked out that Thursday night, called someone from a pay phone to come get him (one of his "friends" no doubt). I didn't hear from him until the next Tuesday, when he was trying to get money from me (but his dad said he would pay me back!!). I told him if his dad wanted him to have money he could mail it to him, and I have not heard from him since (the 22nd).
The judge PROMISED him 23 months in prison, minimum if he came back to court after teen challenge, and now he is violating probation once again. I'm done, I'm done, I'm done - someone told me that I need to get out of God's way, and stop trying to "save" my son, and the posts in this forum are making me see the light. I plan on going to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings when I'm feeling better (have a bronchitis at the moment), hopefully they can also help me with these feelings of helplessness that I am experiencing.
It would be nice to be able to sleep at night, knowing that there is nothing I can do to make his life easier...sorry for the long post, thanks - I feel better already :-)
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Welcome to our SR family, Laura
hope the bronchitis is better soon
For me, SR, al-anon meetings, reading recovery literature (How Al-Anon works, Courage to Change, etc.) and reaching out to others who have been in similiar situations has helped me deal with the loved ones in my life that are struggling with addictions.
Please keep reaching out for help, posting here, reading others post and taking care of yourself - sometimes that is the best thing we can do for our loved ones.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
hope the bronchitis is better soon
For me, SR, al-anon meetings, reading recovery literature (How Al-Anon works, Courage to Change, etc.) and reaching out to others who have been in similiar situations has helped me deal with the loved ones in my life that are struggling with addictions.
Please keep reaching out for help, posting here, reading others post and taking care of yourself - sometimes that is the best thing we can do for our loved ones.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
LauraK,
Sleeplessness, worry, fretting, heaven knows I have been where you are right now. I am the mother of 2 addict sons, one sober, the other sitting in a county jail.
What you are saying about getting out of the way, is right on track. I, too, enabled, (and actually kind of funded my sons addiction), by giving him money, paying rent, you know the rest.
Try to get to meetings, A.S.A.P. the support, and love from the people there, will shake your socks off!
Keep posting, we're all here for you....
Hugs,
Sleeplessness, worry, fretting, heaven knows I have been where you are right now. I am the mother of 2 addict sons, one sober, the other sitting in a county jail.
What you are saying about getting out of the way, is right on track. I, too, enabled, (and actually kind of funded my sons addiction), by giving him money, paying rent, you know the rest.
Try to get to meetings, A.S.A.P. the support, and love from the people there, will shake your socks off!
Keep posting, we're all here for you....
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Hi Laura, Another mom here of a cocaine user. I hear you with the enabling. We have all done the same thing and I'm finnally at the end of my wits also. Alanon is super and I also have had counceling sessions. Its just so hard to Let Go and watch our sons or daughters make such crazy decisions in the midst of drugs. Stick around. This site has helped me so much and everyone is terrific.. Hugs, Bonnie
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
Hi Laura and welcome to SR. iam the mother of a "recovering"heroin addict, my 23 yr old son. he started when he was 17 as well. did out patient rehab, inpatient rehab, THE ARMY(was thrown out of course for a poss. pee test), another inpatient rehab suboxone program (twice) and just got out of another in patient rehab this past nov.
I know how you feel. really know how you feel. Reading and learning here on SR has litterally saved me. I felt helpless, alone, depressed, tired, cried all the time.
I am working the 12 step program myself, (I think everyone should, it makes for a better person lol) I am only on step 2 (started in March 2007) it took me that long to realize that I really am powerless to HELP my son. I'm not telling you to start but what I am saying is the faster you can let go the faster you'll feel better. As parents we will probably always have the worry, but with help from ourselves we can keep that worry not just at a minimum but buried in the back of our minds.
It is so hard to just "let go" but once you read some of the stories on here you'll see that by letting go you are doing your best work at helping.
Things will get easier, promise
good luck hugs and prayers from one mom to another
I know how you feel. really know how you feel. Reading and learning here on SR has litterally saved me. I felt helpless, alone, depressed, tired, cried all the time.
I am working the 12 step program myself, (I think everyone should, it makes for a better person lol) I am only on step 2 (started in March 2007) it took me that long to realize that I really am powerless to HELP my son. I'm not telling you to start but what I am saying is the faster you can let go the faster you'll feel better. As parents we will probably always have the worry, but with help from ourselves we can keep that worry not just at a minimum but buried in the back of our minds.
It is so hard to just "let go" but once you read some of the stories on here you'll see that by letting go you are doing your best work at helping.
Things will get easier, promise
good luck hugs and prayers from one mom to another
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hi Laura, I'm another mom just joining the welcome wagon here.
I've been where you are and, like Moose, it was meetings that saved my sanity. given them a try and stick around and walk with us here, you've come to a great place where people understand when you share.
Glad you joined us.
Hugs
I've been where you are and, like Moose, it was meetings that saved my sanity. given them a try and stick around and walk with us here, you've come to a great place where people understand when you share.
Glad you joined us.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. this program works if you work it. you can not give your son anything he does not want,to be clean & sober. my son is my addict & his son is following his path. addiction is a terrible thing & will suck the life right out of you. stick around, we r here for you.prayers,
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Hi Laura,
Another mom here. Meetings saved my life, pure and simple. And a ton of reading - mostly the Al Anon books. I bought some at meetings and others at Half Priced Books. It's like reading about your own life. Scary but true.
And the others above me are right - it's best to get out of the way and let your son experience the joy of his own consequences. Believe me, we've all tried everything else first - begging, crying, shouting, spending, bailing, searching, rationalizing.... if a mom can do it to get her kid clean, it's been done. Just keep reading...
Big hugs from mom to mom
Cats
Another mom here. Meetings saved my life, pure and simple. And a ton of reading - mostly the Al Anon books. I bought some at meetings and others at Half Priced Books. It's like reading about your own life. Scary but true.
And the others above me are right - it's best to get out of the way and let your son experience the joy of his own consequences. Believe me, we've all tried everything else first - begging, crying, shouting, spending, bailing, searching, rationalizing.... if a mom can do it to get her kid clean, it's been done. Just keep reading...
Big hugs from mom to mom
Cats
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((Laura))))))
Hi! Late as usual.
Another mom with an addict son. Mine is 26 and now seeing a doctor for
bi-polar. Was recently put on lithium to help his symptoms.
Was addicted to heroin for 5 long years. The last couple, gone from drinking
to pot, to a doctor and counselor.
I'm sorry that your son's addiction has you and your family in it's grip.
But, am very glad you joined us.
My son has a stepfather too. Been with him 13 years. A very rocky relationship, if I do say so myself.
I was just like you. Wanted to do anything for my son, to save him.
What saved me was finding soberrecovery.
I've been here since October 2005.
It's gotten me through some seriously rough times.
I love these people! lol
They know it, too.
Keep coming back for support, prayers, and plenty o' ears to vent to.
Your among friends,
Hi! Late as usual.Another mom with an addict son. Mine is 26 and now seeing a doctor for
bi-polar. Was recently put on lithium to help his symptoms.
Was addicted to heroin for 5 long years. The last couple, gone from drinking
to pot, to a doctor and counselor.
I'm sorry that your son's addiction has you and your family in it's grip.
But, am very glad you joined us.
My son has a stepfather too. Been with him 13 years. A very rocky relationship, if I do say so myself.
I was just like you. Wanted to do anything for my son, to save him.
What saved me was finding soberrecovery.
I've been here since October 2005.
It's gotten me through some seriously rough times.
I love these people! lol
They know it, too.
Keep coming back for support, prayers, and plenty o' ears to vent to.
Your among friends,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hi Laura,
I haven't been here long either, but I do know that what rahsue says is true about once you admit the truth about your son, you do feel a lot more peaceful. Maybe it's because when you give up the fight, the knots in your stomach finally relax and you can breathe again, smile again, shrug your shoulders up to God more, and just know that it's not under your control. My son is 24, has been smoking pot for years, drinking, and for the past year has been getting hooked on oxycontins. I recognized his addiction when I linked onto SR several months ago and began reading this forum. I had let myself be in denial for many years about his addictive bent in life, and it was a very sad day when I saw the truth and let myself admit it that first day. I also quit giving my son $20 bucks here and there that day, which has made me feel a TON better. I know I'm at the start of this with my addict, but I am "walking the walk" like I know exactly where this is heading due to listening to the experience and life-lessons learned here with other mothers of addicts. I can see the lying now for what it truly is, and although it does sadden me and try my resolve, I remind myself now to say NO no matter how convincing he is!
I have learned a lot of lessons since I hit about 45. One of the biggest is to listen more quickly to those with experience and knowledge. Having gained much of my own personal AHA moments (divorced from alcholic husband during this time), it was easy for me to admit my son's addiction pretty quickly and learn as much as I could here. I have been acting with this knowledge from that first day. I truly don't have guilt (they remind me that accomplished nothing within their journeys), and I feel almost uplifted (by surrendering to God and putting my own hands down, as I also read here).
The parents and partners here must be pretty darn patient to hang on and speak with grace and love to newcomers when they probably are screaming inside to tell us to just trust them, they know this path and it's a lot better to get off RIGHT now than to have to learn from your own experiences sometimes. So I trust them! Like SR gurus! LOL.
I think I've cried enough tears to say "that's enough of that, girly" and just move forward on another new path in life, one where I don't feel so much anxiety or that there is something more I should be doing. Freeing. That's how I'm choosing to look at it. Letting go of the feeling-bad-like-if-only-I-try-this maybe-he'll-see-the-light ways and just taking care of my own business. Keeping my focus on myself, sometimes having to tell myself outloud to do it, but it feels really right. My gut is telling me so.
I haven't been here long either, but I do know that what rahsue says is true about once you admit the truth about your son, you do feel a lot more peaceful. Maybe it's because when you give up the fight, the knots in your stomach finally relax and you can breathe again, smile again, shrug your shoulders up to God more, and just know that it's not under your control. My son is 24, has been smoking pot for years, drinking, and for the past year has been getting hooked on oxycontins. I recognized his addiction when I linked onto SR several months ago and began reading this forum. I had let myself be in denial for many years about his addictive bent in life, and it was a very sad day when I saw the truth and let myself admit it that first day. I also quit giving my son $20 bucks here and there that day, which has made me feel a TON better. I know I'm at the start of this with my addict, but I am "walking the walk" like I know exactly where this is heading due to listening to the experience and life-lessons learned here with other mothers of addicts. I can see the lying now for what it truly is, and although it does sadden me and try my resolve, I remind myself now to say NO no matter how convincing he is!
I have learned a lot of lessons since I hit about 45. One of the biggest is to listen more quickly to those with experience and knowledge. Having gained much of my own personal AHA moments (divorced from alcholic husband during this time), it was easy for me to admit my son's addiction pretty quickly and learn as much as I could here. I have been acting with this knowledge from that first day. I truly don't have guilt (they remind me that accomplished nothing within their journeys), and I feel almost uplifted (by surrendering to God and putting my own hands down, as I also read here).
The parents and partners here must be pretty darn patient to hang on and speak with grace and love to newcomers when they probably are screaming inside to tell us to just trust them, they know this path and it's a lot better to get off RIGHT now than to have to learn from your own experiences sometimes. So I trust them! Like SR gurus! LOL.
I think I've cried enough tears to say "that's enough of that, girly" and just move forward on another new path in life, one where I don't feel so much anxiety or that there is something more I should be doing. Freeing. That's how I'm choosing to look at it. Letting go of the feeling-bad-like-if-only-I-try-this maybe-he'll-see-the-light ways and just taking care of my own business. Keeping my focus on myself, sometimes having to tell myself outloud to do it, but it feels really right. My gut is telling me so.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Hey Laura,
So glad you've found this board and got all that off your chest. It feels so good to talk to people who understand and we understand!
I, too, am a meetings kinda gal. Love my face to face meetings and wouldn't trade them for the world. I've learned so much ... like how to stop enabling, how to set boundaries, how to let go and let God (okay, so that's one I'm still working on), how to take healthy care of me, and so much more.
And like others said too, my life began to get better when I finally realized I am powerless over my daughter and her choices. When I got out of the way, and got the focus back on me, we both began to get better. There were no guarantees she would get better, but you know what? I was going to go with the odds. And there was no way I could lose because at least I WOULD GET BETTER if I worked on my own recovery.
Prayers for you and your son. I hope to see you around some more.
And get thee to a meeting as soon as your get well!
Hope you're feeling better soon.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
So glad you've found this board and got all that off your chest. It feels so good to talk to people who understand and we understand!
I, too, am a meetings kinda gal. Love my face to face meetings and wouldn't trade them for the world. I've learned so much ... like how to stop enabling, how to set boundaries, how to let go and let God (okay, so that's one I'm still working on), how to take healthy care of me, and so much more.
And like others said too, my life began to get better when I finally realized I am powerless over my daughter and her choices. When I got out of the way, and got the focus back on me, we both began to get better. There were no guarantees she would get better, but you know what? I was going to go with the odds. And there was no way I could lose because at least I WOULD GET BETTER if I worked on my own recovery.
Prayers for you and your son. I hope to see you around some more.
And get thee to a meeting as soon as your get well!
Hope you're feeling better soon.Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Hi Laura...I'm a Michigan gal too...Welcome to SR.
This place has been such a god-send to me. I hope it is for your too. The addict in my life is my exhusband. He developed an addiction to heroin in our 5th year of marriage and after we had a little boy together. Even though the addict in my life is my exhusband instead of a child, many of the struggles are the same. I am so glad you are here. I look forward to getting to know you better as we walk this path of recovery together. The people here are true angels from heaven. They've shone their light for me during some of my darkest hours.
Hugs and welcome...
This place has been such a god-send to me. I hope it is for your too. The addict in my life is my exhusband. He developed an addiction to heroin in our 5th year of marriage and after we had a little boy together. Even though the addict in my life is my exhusband instead of a child, many of the struggles are the same. I am so glad you are here. I look forward to getting to know you better as we walk this path of recovery together. The people here are true angels from heaven. They've shone their light for me during some of my darkest hours.
Hugs and welcome...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
Yet another tired mom here. My AD is 19, heroin and crack. I don't consider helping them get treatment if they are willing to go, to be enabling, but my daughter has been willing only twice (she walked out both times) so I don't know how I'd be if I made that effort over and over...
At any rate, welcome, the support here is amazing.
At any rate, welcome, the support here is amazing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 388
Welcome Laura,
Another mom of 2 addicts stopping in to welcome you to SR.
My 22 year old daughter is currently living in a halfway house so she is my RAD.
My 20 year old AS is currently a pot head, but he doesn't have a problem (ya right).
I am new so I don't have much advice, just a warm welcome.
Colleen
Another mom of 2 addicts stopping in to welcome you to SR.
My 22 year old daughter is currently living in a halfway house so she is my RAD.
My 20 year old AS is currently a pot head, but he doesn't have a problem (ya right).
I am new so I don't have much advice, just a warm welcome.
Colleen
Trying to get out of God's way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Freeland Michigan
Posts: 60
Thanks SO much everyone - I feel so welcome here!! I will get to a meeting as soon as I'm better. I have read the 3 articles I mentioned from the "let me fall" thread over and over, and I do find some comfort from them. And knowing that I'm not alone in this fight really helps, too.
My son is "missing" I'll call it, knowing that if he gets caught it means prison, I haven't heard from him since the 22nd. But you know what? I'm ok with it after reading the posts here. Of course I'll ALWAYS love him, you all know that, but the guilty feelings are a bit less after reading your posts. I know that I'm powerless with my suggestions as to what he "should" do, he will do what is best for HIM. Does it hurt, knowing that it doesn't faze him that he hurts me? Of course, but it all makes sense. My husband has said to me before "if he wasn't your son, would you put up with this BS?" And of course the answer is NO.
I'll keep reading and praying, get to a meeting, and read some of your past posts, cause it feels good to see that I'm not the only one with an addict son or daughter. I do see myself in alot of the posts, LOL...and if I don't laugh, I will just sit here in self-pity, and dang it I've had enough of that!!!
Thanks everyone!!
My son is "missing" I'll call it, knowing that if he gets caught it means prison, I haven't heard from him since the 22nd. But you know what? I'm ok with it after reading the posts here. Of course I'll ALWAYS love him, you all know that, but the guilty feelings are a bit less after reading your posts. I know that I'm powerless with my suggestions as to what he "should" do, he will do what is best for HIM. Does it hurt, knowing that it doesn't faze him that he hurts me? Of course, but it all makes sense. My husband has said to me before "if he wasn't your son, would you put up with this BS?" And of course the answer is NO.
I'll keep reading and praying, get to a meeting, and read some of your past posts, cause it feels good to see that I'm not the only one with an addict son or daughter. I do see myself in alot of the posts, LOL...and if I don't laugh, I will just sit here in self-pity, and dang it I've had enough of that!!!
Thanks everyone!!
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Laura,
Good for you.
And re those pity parties, uh...don't even be tempted. I've thrown lots of them. Invited all kind of folks to come and, dang it all, no one wants to come. How unsocial of them!
So I gave up that idea and started hanging with the folks in recovery who like to ENJOY life. And, by golly, I LIKE IT...I LIKE IT! Addiction and what it does to a family stinks. But I'll be dern if I'm going to let it make a tragedy out of my life. MY HP did not intend for me to live like that. He came that I might have life and have it more abundantly. I'm going after the ABUNDANTLY!
Wanna join me?
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Good for you.
And re those pity parties, uh...don't even be tempted. I've thrown lots of them. Invited all kind of folks to come and, dang it all, no one wants to come. How unsocial of them!
So I gave up that idea and started hanging with the folks in recovery who like to ENJOY life. And, by golly, I LIKE IT...I LIKE IT! Addiction and what it does to a family stinks. But I'll be dern if I'm going to let it make a tragedy out of my life. MY HP did not intend for me to live like that. He came that I might have life and have it more abundantly. I'm going after the ABUNDANTLY!
Wanna join me?
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
Welcome Laura,
I'm another mom, AD 23. Spiraling like Britney Spears!
This is a good place, lots of friendship and people who truly care. Don't be afraid to say what you want, we all do. Here is hell it gets pretty hot some time, but we all are here for the same reason!!:puppet
susan
I'm another mom, AD 23. Spiraling like Britney Spears!
This is a good place, lots of friendship and people who truly care. Don't be afraid to say what you want, we all do. Here is hell it gets pretty hot some time, but we all are here for the same reason!!:puppet
susan
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