Examples of your Boundaries
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 138
Examples of your Boundaries
I was wondering if anyone wanted to share some of their boundaries and subsequent consequences if the addict in their lives violates those boundaries.
I have realized that this is one of the things I need to work on. In the past, the only boundary/consequence I have set was "If you lie again, I will leave." And I wasn't ready to follow through with what I said. I need more realistic consequences and can't seem to come up with any that don't sound like I am his mom ("if you lie, no TV for a week" hehe...just kidding on that one).
My ABF will be coming home from rehab in less than a month. I need to work on some boundaries especially related to lying and to money. It would be great to hear others' boundaries to help me work on setting my own.
Thank you!
Vanessa
I have realized that this is one of the things I need to work on. In the past, the only boundary/consequence I have set was "If you lie again, I will leave." And I wasn't ready to follow through with what I said. I need more realistic consequences and can't seem to come up with any that don't sound like I am his mom ("if you lie, no TV for a week" hehe...just kidding on that one).
My ABF will be coming home from rehab in less than a month. I need to work on some boundaries especially related to lying and to money. It would be great to hear others' boundaries to help me work on setting my own.
Thank you!
Vanessa
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: ca
Posts: 103
Lying is a tough one. I also kept saying "the next time you lie to me will be the last" and never followed through until this week, when he lied to me and I did! He moved out and we're separating.
As for money, I'm not sure what your situation is, but several months ago we agreed upon a budget for our household expenses and determined a reasonable amount to go to "fun money." If he spent more than that without proof of an unexpected circumstance (he used to say xxx happened and he paid with cash but really was spending it on drugs) then we had to close our joint accounts and open up separate ones. I made him show me receipts for everything, and I also kept receipts of what I spend my money on. Of course he spent the money on drugs and so we closed the joint account and opened up separate ones. Now I don't care what he spends his money on as long as he gives me his share of the mortgage payment, which miraculously he has.
As for money, I'm not sure what your situation is, but several months ago we agreed upon a budget for our household expenses and determined a reasonable amount to go to "fun money." If he spent more than that without proof of an unexpected circumstance (he used to say xxx happened and he paid with cash but really was spending it on drugs) then we had to close our joint accounts and open up separate ones. I made him show me receipts for everything, and I also kept receipts of what I spend my money on. Of course he spent the money on drugs and so we closed the joint account and opened up separate ones. Now I don't care what he spends his money on as long as he gives me his share of the mortgage payment, which miraculously he has.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Layton, Utah
Posts: 60
With my daughter, I made sure I have no financial risk concerning her.
Alot of years have gone by with beleiving stories and promises.
So the only way she could hurt me financially is to steal.
As far as the lying goes I am working on her always telling the truth to me no matter what the truth is.
She does not live with me and this makes it eaisier in that reguard.
I learned long ago that when you draw a line in the sand you better be ready to step over it. Otherwise the addict realizes that you don't or won't follow through.
Mostly I would suggest you work on your own life and codie issues, as that is where the real peace of mind comes from.
I wish you well and hope the future brings peace.
Alot of years have gone by with beleiving stories and promises.
So the only way she could hurt me financially is to steal.
As far as the lying goes I am working on her always telling the truth to me no matter what the truth is.
She does not live with me and this makes it eaisier in that reguard.
I learned long ago that when you draw a line in the sand you better be ready to step over it. Otherwise the addict realizes that you don't or won't follow through.
Mostly I would suggest you work on your own life and codie issues, as that is where the real peace of mind comes from.
I wish you well and hope the future brings peace.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 138
I am working on myself, going to meetings, etc. The thing is, if you want to be in a relationship with someone, you have to work on some things together. He needs to work on himself, I need to work on myself, but we also need to work on our relationship at some point, or there is no relationship there.
I feel that working on my boundaries and consequences helps me to work on myself. It will tell me what I won't accept and what will happen if he violates that.
Thanks guys!
Vanessa
I feel that working on my boundaries and consequences helps me to work on myself. It will tell me what I won't accept and what will happen if he violates that.
Thanks guys!
Vanessa
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: ca
Posts: 103
Vanessa - you bring up a great point about working on yourselves individually but also the relationship. My husband has been struggling for years and I have taken those steps to work on myself only to be frustrated that my husband could not work on our relationship when I was ready. It's been posted here many times and I have only just begun to realize myself that the addict really can't be in a giving, loving relationship until they have worked on themselves and their sobriety first. Everything in their lives hinges on them getting sober first.
For my husband and I, it was impossible for him to work with me on our relationship because he couldn't even stay clean long enough to do it!
Off topic of your original post, but you made a really good point that I relate to 100%! thanks.
For my husband and I, it was impossible for him to work with me on our relationship because he couldn't even stay clean long enough to do it!
Off topic of your original post, but you made a really good point that I relate to 100%! thanks.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 51
One thing that I was told an addictions counsellor, was to not put it on YOU to follow through. Make the boundries all about them.
eg. If you CHOOSE to use, you CHOOSE to live somewhere else...
If you CHOOSE to call after 10pm, you CHOOSE not to talk to me and just to leave a message.
I reming myself and my parents about it being HIS choice when something happens. That way it takes away a bit of the guilt you can feel for doing, or not doing, as the case may be, what your addict wants.
eg. If you CHOOSE to use, you CHOOSE to live somewhere else...
If you CHOOSE to call after 10pm, you CHOOSE not to talk to me and just to leave a message.
I reming myself and my parents about it being HIS choice when something happens. That way it takes away a bit of the guilt you can feel for doing, or not doing, as the case may be, what your addict wants.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Northern California
Posts: 57
Vanessa,
I was going to cut and paste my list of boundaries, but it's really long and a bit more personal than I want to share. Still, I've posted just a few of them below. I found that I had to spell out many, many things with my addict--had to define what "recovery" means, explain which bank account I was closing and how, define "trying to stay clean" and on, and on. Active addicts, maybe especially coke/meth addicts, have amazing abilities to stay up all night debating what the meaning of "is" is.
Like many others, I didn't even stick to all of my boundaries, but just having them in writing, for my own reference and hers, was central to regaining my sanity, not to mention a little pride.
Here are a few of them:
------
When you are actively using
I will not continue to buy groceries, cook, or clean anything but my own messes.
I will not wake you in the morning unless you are going to [rehab] or counseling.
I will leave the house to stay elsewhere if I feel unable to stay here.
I will leave the house permanently (and no longer pay the mortgage) after a date we agree on if you are unwilling to take whatever steps are necessary to get back into recovery.
What “recovery” means to me
If you slip, I will support you in your attempt to get back into recovery immediately, but not in your attempts to stall doing so. However much slips may be a part of the process, “relapses” that go on for weeks with no end in sight, and periods of abstinence that are so short that calling them “quitting” is hardly accurate, is not recovery.
-----
It went on like that for pages! But, man, it helped me more than just about anything.
Best wishes.
I was going to cut and paste my list of boundaries, but it's really long and a bit more personal than I want to share. Still, I've posted just a few of them below. I found that I had to spell out many, many things with my addict--had to define what "recovery" means, explain which bank account I was closing and how, define "trying to stay clean" and on, and on. Active addicts, maybe especially coke/meth addicts, have amazing abilities to stay up all night debating what the meaning of "is" is.
Like many others, I didn't even stick to all of my boundaries, but just having them in writing, for my own reference and hers, was central to regaining my sanity, not to mention a little pride.
Here are a few of them:
------
When you are actively using
I will not continue to buy groceries, cook, or clean anything but my own messes.
I will not wake you in the morning unless you are going to [rehab] or counseling.
I will leave the house to stay elsewhere if I feel unable to stay here.
I will leave the house permanently (and no longer pay the mortgage) after a date we agree on if you are unwilling to take whatever steps are necessary to get back into recovery.
What “recovery” means to me
If you slip, I will support you in your attempt to get back into recovery immediately, but not in your attempts to stall doing so. However much slips may be a part of the process, “relapses” that go on for weeks with no end in sight, and periods of abstinence that are so short that calling them “quitting” is hardly accurate, is not recovery.
-----
It went on like that for pages! But, man, it helped me more than just about anything.
Best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: In the City
Posts: 59
I've set so many boudaries and consequences and couldn't keep them (always finding a good reason to make an exception).... until I got completely fed up with the life we were living.
December was hell. I wouldn't give him any money. If he didn't show up when he said he would, I left and went on my own. Things got so tense when we were together, we both became miserable. He did more drugs than ever and ended up stealing $1,000 from me by going to my customer and getting an advance on work I now have to do in January.
The last night I saw him he came through the house and stole $35 from my wallet. As he drove off ... I called his cell and told him (via voicemail) to never come back. He hasn't. That was two weeks ago. He calls and leaves messages and I have promised myself that I won't call him back. Finally, a boundary I am keeping.... so far .... but God I miss the sober man I fell in love with.
December was hell. I wouldn't give him any money. If he didn't show up when he said he would, I left and went on my own. Things got so tense when we were together, we both became miserable. He did more drugs than ever and ended up stealing $1,000 from me by going to my customer and getting an advance on work I now have to do in January.
The last night I saw him he came through the house and stole $35 from my wallet. As he drove off ... I called his cell and told him (via voicemail) to never come back. He hasn't. That was two weeks ago. He calls and leaves messages and I have promised myself that I won't call him back. Finally, a boundary I am keeping.... so far .... but God I miss the sober man I fell in love with.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 138
holding out hope: yep, active addiction and a good relationship don't really go together. One thing I am willing to compromise on is giving him time away from me and us---time to work on himself and his sobriety. I know how important that is, not only to him and his family, but to the future of any relationship we will have.
rub: great point, thanks! If it is worded that way (if YOU do this, then YOU choose to), then there can't be any blame coming from the addict's mouth put on us. Now that my ABF is clean and working his program, he is taking responsibility for the fact that his actions caused things that happened. But when they are active, they have such a knack for blaming everything on everyone else!
Yardbird: thanks for your examples. Spelling stuff out word for word is definitely necessary!!! And they will need to be in writing.
LiveLife: that is great you are finally sticking to your boundaries. It can be so hard sometimes! I am so sorry though that it had to come down to that much money being taken from you.
It does suck that the sober person and the addict are so different, and they turn into someone else when they are using. Makes it that much harder to let them go when you have seen who they can be.
anvilhead: boundaries definitely do need to be about what we will accept. And we do need to be serious about them.
Thank you so much everyone.
<3, Vanessa
One thing I am willing to compromise on is giving him time away from me and us---time to work on himself and his sobriety. I know how important that is, not only to him and his family, but to the future of any relationship we will have. rub: great point, thanks! If it is worded that way (if YOU do this, then YOU choose to), then there can't be any blame coming from the addict's mouth put on us. Now that my ABF is clean and working his program, he is taking responsibility for the fact that his actions caused things that happened. But when they are active, they have such a knack for blaming everything on everyone else!
Yardbird: thanks for your examples. Spelling stuff out word for word is definitely necessary!!! And they will need to be in writing.
LiveLife: that is great you are finally sticking to your boundaries. It can be so hard sometimes! I am so sorry though that it had to come down to that much money being taken from you.
It does suck that the sober person and the addict are so different, and they turn into someone else when they are using. Makes it that much harder to let them go when you have seen who they can be.anvilhead: boundaries definitely do need to be about what we will accept. And we do need to be serious about them.
Thank you so much everyone.
<3, Vanessa
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I wrote these boundaries down and gave them to him so that he would have no excuse for violating them:
I will not allow my house to be used as a flop house for addicts. There is no sleeping off binges or hangovers on my couch.
I will not allow people to be disrespectful to me.
Drug users or suspected drug users are not allowed in my home.
Drugs or paraphenalia are not allowed in my house.
I will not support you financially. You must have a job or be actively looking for work to live here.
I will not allow swearing or other unsavory language to be used in front of me or my child.
I will not allow behavior reminiscent of drug using behavior in my house.
If you disappear and do not call, don't bother coming back.
I will not allow you to live in my house if you are not in full compliance with the terms of your parole.
There are no warnings or second chances. This is your last chance.
Any violation of my boundaries, will result in you immediately leaving my house. If you do not leave immediately, I will call the police immediately.
I will not allow my house to be used as a flop house for addicts. There is no sleeping off binges or hangovers on my couch.
I will not allow people to be disrespectful to me.
Drug users or suspected drug users are not allowed in my home.
Drugs or paraphenalia are not allowed in my house.
I will not support you financially. You must have a job or be actively looking for work to live here.
I will not allow swearing or other unsavory language to be used in front of me or my child.
I will not allow behavior reminiscent of drug using behavior in my house.
If you disappear and do not call, don't bother coming back.
I will not allow you to live in my house if you are not in full compliance with the terms of your parole.
There are no warnings or second chances. This is your last chance.
Any violation of my boundaries, will result in you immediately leaving my house. If you do not leave immediately, I will call the police immediately.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
boundries are what you feel comfortable with. my addict is my son & he has not lived with me in years so mine are so different than yours could be. you are doing the right thing by setting them. when u do set them just make sure you can follow through with them. prayers for you & husband.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 325
I told him if he ever used crack around our children or myself, if he ever used it in the house I would call the police.
He used it in the house, with the kids and I right there in the middle of the afternoon! I think he expected me to just get mad and kick him out. I didn't, I called the police. When I come to think of it, that was about the only boundary I set and kept. It wasn't a difficult decision at all. I was new to the world of crack then... to me it was 9/11. No less scary then terrorists in my living room. Memories- I actually miss the old person he...NOPE I was!!! The girl who looked at the world through those rosey eyed glasses!!
He used it in the house, with the kids and I right there in the middle of the afternoon! I think he expected me to just get mad and kick him out. I didn't, I called the police. When I come to think of it, that was about the only boundary I set and kept. It wasn't a difficult decision at all. I was new to the world of crack then... to me it was 9/11. No less scary then terrorists in my living room. Memories- I actually miss the old person he...NOPE I was!!! The girl who looked at the world through those rosey eyed glasses!!
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