VanessaLee13

I need some help/encouraging words with letting something go. The smoking. My RABF (Brian) is in rehab right now. It's been 4 weeks today, and he just had his 30 days clean yesterday. And, like a lot of addicts (recovering and otherwise), he smokes. Now, I have let go of most everything about the smoking I have had problems with in the past. I have let go of how I hate the smell, the money wasted, the sheer stupidity of it (hehe, no offense to all you smokers out there!), etc. The one thing I am having some problems letting go of is the increased risk of cancer/dying. I watched my mom die of cancer 5 years ago when I was 21 (breast cancer, not lung). It was the most difficult thing I have ever gone through (and maybe ever will go through).

Brian and I have been together 4 years, and with how things are going in his recovery right now, I am positive for our future. So I have problems letting go of the fact that the smoking could cause him to get lung cancer and die. I cannot picture myself going through that again. As a side note, he recently found his birth father's family (he is adopted), and his birth father had died of lung cancer a few years ago.

This isn't an issue I obsess or lose sleep over, just a nagging thought that will enter my mind every now and then. Same with my sisters, who both smoke.

Now, I know all the logical answers: just cause he smokes doesn't mean he is going to get cancer and die. Just cause someone doesn't smoke doesn't mean they won't get cancer and die. He is newly recovering from an addiction that also could/would have killed him in the future and the smoking is the lesser of two evils. And on and on. So I know all this. I guess I just need some encouraging words, and maybe experience from someone else who has dealt with this as well. And I do know this is a minor, minor issue compared to so many others.

Thanks guys!
Vanessa

Impurrfect

((((Vanessa)))

Sent you an e-mail, telling you I am quitting smoking AGAIN....made it 7 days, the smoked about 1/2 pack over the past 3-4 nights.

I know how you feel about smoking, but you've seen how hard it is for ME to quit smoking, and I've got 10 months clean.....Brian is "newly" clean so it's going to be harder. I really don't think I could have quit smoking even for a day or 2 earlier in my recovery.

Now, I'm not saying you don't have a right to be bothered by his smoking, because if it's a problem to you, then it's a problem. The only thing I can suggest is tell him if he wants to continue smoking, then HE will be responsible for paying for them (which is a huge reason of why I'm quitting...too expensive). Also, since you 2 live together, it's pretty darn reasonable that you ask him not to smoke in the house....lots of people do. I've never been offended if asked not to smoke in someone's house, and never even considered smoking in someone's car who was not a smoker.

Hopefully, you 2 will figure this out.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

VanessaLee13

Thanks Amy. I sent you an email back---I know you will get there with quitting smoking!

I definitely don't expect or even want him to quit smoking now. Someday, I really hope he does, but I think right now it is helping him.

I just need to get over my fear of the whole cancer/dying thing. As I said, I don't obsess about it at all, just a little worry ever now and then.

And he has already imposed the no smoking in the house/no smoking in my car/no smoking with me in his car with him. It wasn't even something I had to ask. Just the way he said it would be. When I picked him up for our visit the other day, I said he could smoke in the car, but he didn't cause he knows I don't like it.

I'm sure I'll come to terms with it. Have already put aside my other issues with the smoking, I'm sure this one will become less of an issue too (it already has gotten better than it was--slowly but surely).

ctrom40

Vanessa,

I know exactly how you feel... I am a non-smoker. But, I have so much compassion for the smoker.

My father smoked 2 packs a day until his heart attack at 45 years old. He then "cut" down to 1 pack a day.... but he died of cancer many years later.

My husband (sober for 5 years) started smoking in rehab at 40 years old....
He kids that it was the only bad habit that he didn't have.

I just know that smoking is the lesser of the 2 evils.
There is no guarantee the cigarettes will kill him.
But most definitely the drinking would have.

Hugs,
Colleen

Spiritual Seeker

You're with an addict.
He has his demons and vices.
He can only quit ea. one when he is ready.
Acceptance of him for who he is if you stay with him
Remember the serenity prayer
Change what you can in your own life.