He asked for help this morning - What do we do???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 51
He asked for help this morning - What do we do???
My dad just came over in tears. My parents kicked out my 35 year old AB on boxing day, and today he has come back to ask for help. His drug counsellor (who he hasn't seen in months) is away on holidays. We are in a small town, so there are no others working.
No the whole dabate comes up - government funded or private. My parents are already financially strained due to my AB -- I don't think they have access to $25,000 today. But I have read the stats - a government program seems to have such a tiny success rate. But if we pay for private (I don't know how) and this is not the time it works (which we fully understand), I dont know how we could possibly come up with the money to send him again.
How do you make the right decision?
What factors do we need to consider today?
As far as availability "today"
I have found a private 12 step about 300 miles away - $6700
2 government funded - one about 300 miles, one 600miles away
And countless other private facilities in the $17-30K range
And advice or suggestions on questions we need to ask would be greatly apprecited.
Thank you all so much.
No the whole dabate comes up - government funded or private. My parents are already financially strained due to my AB -- I don't think they have access to $25,000 today. But I have read the stats - a government program seems to have such a tiny success rate. But if we pay for private (I don't know how) and this is not the time it works (which we fully understand), I dont know how we could possibly come up with the money to send him again.
How do you make the right decision?
What factors do we need to consider today?
As far as availability "today"
I have found a private 12 step about 300 miles away - $6700
2 government funded - one about 300 miles, one 600miles away
And countless other private facilities in the $17-30K range
And advice or suggestions on questions we need to ask would be greatly apprecited.
Thank you all so much.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I'm not sure of the resources available where you reside, but there are a few free options here in the states.
My son was given a county bed at a fairly run-down place. It worked as much as he worked it, as would have any other place.
I would STRONGLY encourage your parents to let him do the work.
He has the problem
He needs to take responsibility
He needs to own the success, should he make progress.
I called a narcotics hotline and was given several places my son could call. I admit I did the calling to get information...I even put him on a waiting list for a free bed.
When the bed became available, my son had to make the call and accept the help.
In the meantime...as was said, NA and AA are free.
Prayers for you and your family
(((Hugs)))
Cece
My son was given a county bed at a fairly run-down place. It worked as much as he worked it, as would have any other place.
I would STRONGLY encourage your parents to let him do the work.
He has the problem
He needs to take responsibility
He needs to own the success, should he make progress.
I called a narcotics hotline and was given several places my son could call. I admit I did the calling to get information...I even put him on a waiting list for a free bed.
When the bed became available, my son had to make the call and accept the help.
In the meantime...as was said, NA and AA are free.
Prayers for you and your family
(((Hugs)))
Cece
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
((rub))
I'm thinking he's 35 years old, IF he truly wants to be sober there are plenty of free programs available. He is actually taking the easy, soft route, let mom and dad fix it all up for him.
Time to get some boundaries, and firmly let him do this himself.
My son is 34, and using again. If he should call me and desire to be sober, I have numbers of free rehabs for him. I will not pay for rehab. If the desire to be clean and sober is strong enough, it's my belief that ANY program will work.
I am sure this is a financial strain on your parents, and they sound somewhat enabling, by letting a 35 year old still live at home.
Just by telling him, you're on your own, they may be saving his life.
Can they attend Alanon, or Naranon meetings?
Hugs to you, it has to be a heartbreaking family situation for you to be involved in.
I'm thinking he's 35 years old, IF he truly wants to be sober there are plenty of free programs available. He is actually taking the easy, soft route, let mom and dad fix it all up for him.
Time to get some boundaries, and firmly let him do this himself.
My son is 34, and using again. If he should call me and desire to be sober, I have numbers of free rehabs for him. I will not pay for rehab. If the desire to be clean and sober is strong enough, it's my belief that ANY program will work.
I am sure this is a financial strain on your parents, and they sound somewhat enabling, by letting a 35 year old still live at home.
Just by telling him, you're on your own, they may be saving his life.
Can they attend Alanon, or Naranon meetings?
Hugs to you, it has to be a heartbreaking family situation for you to be involved in.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
If he's really, really, REALLY hit his bottom, then he'll do whatever it takes to get help, work a program and stay clean.
I'd advise to let him figure out where he wants to go. He got himself into this mess, now let him figure it out. I know that sound harsh, but when will he learn that there are consequences for his choices if mama and daddy keep cushioning his fall with a "nice" rehab? I'd tell the parents to put away the checkbook. Just my 2 cents worth.
And I'm with Moose. Please tell your parents to find an Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings. There they will learn alot about what family members can do to get out of the way and let the addict find their own recovery.
I'd advise to let him figure out where he wants to go. He got himself into this mess, now let him figure it out. I know that sound harsh, but when will he learn that there are consequences for his choices if mama and daddy keep cushioning his fall with a "nice" rehab? I'd tell the parents to put away the checkbook. Just my 2 cents worth.
And I'm with Moose. Please tell your parents to find an Al Anon or Nar Anon meetings. There they will learn alot about what family members can do to get out of the way and let the addict find their own recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 51
Thanks everyone for the advice. I gave my dad some inormation today about different centers. He gave the info to my brother, and my brother made the phone call and is scheduled to be there come Tuesday.
I will pass these words onto my parents though. A lot can change between now and Tuesday, and it definately would not hurt for my brother to call around, and hopefully find a place that HE wants to be at.
Unfortunately, my parents are not willing to go to the local alanon meetings (all we have here - although when I go, 95% of the people there have someone abusing drugs). I do suggest it from time to time - usually by refering to how much support and relief it gives me when I go.
Thanks again
I will pass these words onto my parents though. A lot can change between now and Tuesday, and it definately would not hurt for my brother to call around, and hopefully find a place that HE wants to be at.
Unfortunately, my parents are not willing to go to the local alanon meetings (all we have here - although when I go, 95% of the people there have someone abusing drugs). I do suggest it from time to time - usually by refering to how much support and relief it gives me when I go.
Thanks again
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
May I suggest you call your nearest Salvation Army?
I know Salvation Army is in Canada, also in the UK, so, they have free recovery programs, and they are quite good.
If your brother is ready, he will be willing to go to the nearest one, no matter how far from you it is.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
I know Salvation Army is in Canada, also in the UK, so, they have free recovery programs, and they are quite good.
If your brother is ready, he will be willing to go to the nearest one, no matter how far from you it is.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 51
Hey,
I just wanted to say that your words were all very powerful for my parents. As it stands, we are keeping the bed for him (for Tuesday) but we will nto put a deposit down. We have decided that we should be looking, and having him look, for alternate options. When my brother saw the price of the treatment we had found, he said that it was a waste of money. I think that really helped open our eyes.
Maybe he is ready for help, maybe he is using it as an excuse to get back into my parents house.
I guess time will tell.
I just wanted to say that your words were all very powerful for my parents. As it stands, we are keeping the bed for him (for Tuesday) but we will nto put a deposit down. We have decided that we should be looking, and having him look, for alternate options. When my brother saw the price of the treatment we had found, he said that it was a waste of money. I think that really helped open our eyes.
Maybe he is ready for help, maybe he is using it as an excuse to get back into my parents house.
I guess time will tell.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 51
Well, i guess I may have had a bit of false hope. He lied about phoning in (which he has to do daily to keep his spot).
As I kind of figured, say you want help, move back in, lie about keeping your bed, and put if off to another day...or week...or month....
Lets hope he wants it....
As I kind of figured, say you want help, move back in, lie about keeping your bed, and put if off to another day...or week...or month....
Lets hope he wants it....
Hug giver-outer!
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: The State of Possibilities
Posts: 533
Maybe your parents could come here? Just a suggestion. I know I had a lot of trouble finding a meeting with folks I could relate to.
If HE wants to get clean, any program will work because he will work to make it work. I agree with those who said for your parents to put away their check books. I recently posted on someone else's thread about my friend, who took out a couple loans on her house to put her son through a 25K program - twice! She is now houseless and jobless and living out of state with a cousin. She isn't even near her only son. The programs worked great while he was in there but both times, he was out less than 3 days, and he went right back to the drugs and the streets. It didn't work because HE didn't want it to work. SHE did but that doesn't count.
And it has been my experience that if you give an addict a soft place to land, they won't worry about falling or getting back up. Why bother? Too bad your parents don't realize that the best thing they could do for him is to let HIM make the decision of his life; good or bad; they are NOT for them to make for him.
I know, the addict in my life is my nearly 27 yr old daughter. And I know how hard it is to "let go" but now that my AD is finally "acting" clean (and that is a good sign) she has told us that no matter how much she hated us at the time or thought we were terrible, she knows now that we did the best thing for her we could. And now that SHE has made it to where she is, she appreciates the hard work even more. She only owes her life to herself.
Hugs,
Marteen
If HE wants to get clean, any program will work because he will work to make it work. I agree with those who said for your parents to put away their check books. I recently posted on someone else's thread about my friend, who took out a couple loans on her house to put her son through a 25K program - twice! She is now houseless and jobless and living out of state with a cousin. She isn't even near her only son. The programs worked great while he was in there but both times, he was out less than 3 days, and he went right back to the drugs and the streets. It didn't work because HE didn't want it to work. SHE did but that doesn't count.
And it has been my experience that if you give an addict a soft place to land, they won't worry about falling or getting back up. Why bother? Too bad your parents don't realize that the best thing they could do for him is to let HIM make the decision of his life; good or bad; they are NOT for them to make for him.
I know, the addict in my life is my nearly 27 yr old daughter. And I know how hard it is to "let go" but now that my AD is finally "acting" clean (and that is a good sign) she has told us that no matter how much she hated us at the time or thought we were terrible, she knows now that we did the best thing for her we could. And now that SHE has made it to where she is, she appreciates the hard work even more. She only owes her life to herself.
Hugs,
Marteen
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
