muddled
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Washington st.
Posts: 51
muddled
I recieved something form my AH for christmas. It was a letter telling me he was sorry that he was an addict. in his letter he addmitted he was ruinning our lives. His letter was a promise that he was gonna be clean and sober. from that moment on.
As i sat there reading his scribblings I felt nothing. I couldn't believe it. it was nomore than something he had already said to me thousands, maybe millions of times before. I just starred at it. no knowing what to say. He looked at me and said," you think i am just fulla crap, huh?" in my mind i said yes, but my mouth said," i know you mean it." I just rested the framed letter on a shelf in my room knowing noone but he and myself would see it. (heaven forbid if someone knew my husband used herroin.) Later that day.. he used.
I wasn't caught off gaurd. i already knew it was coming. I have lost hope in him.I can't even cry about it inside anymore. I feel angry at myself for wasting so many years. I have to get out. I have finally relized that i am going to have to let this marriage go. He says he is going to get some professional help, probably in-patient care. but i of course can not believe anything he says. I am so done, that i don't even know if i will beable to stay even if he does actually clean up. knowing him hell just relapse any ways. I am tired of this whole sortied affair. i dont know why i held in there so long. I should have left when we first got together, and he told me, that he couldn''t see me for a week because he was going through with drawls from herroin.
but i was naieve, and 5 mths pregnant with his baby. I thought my love would heal him. Love was all he needed. But i was wrong. what a fool. this whole cherrade, this drug induced relationship. today i am feeling very unsettled with myself, b/c i have been think, and quietly planning my escape, and i feel terrible. i dont even think he has a clue. it feels so wrong to be so secretive. so unlike me. but i dont see any other choice.
I am afraid of this uncomming event. I see it rearing its head. it is going to be a hard year for me. If i do this. my daughter will be disheartened, my finances will be a mess not unlike myself. who will be alone, saddened by my defeat. Can't say i didn't try though.
As i sat there reading his scribblings I felt nothing. I couldn't believe it. it was nomore than something he had already said to me thousands, maybe millions of times before. I just starred at it. no knowing what to say. He looked at me and said," you think i am just fulla crap, huh?" in my mind i said yes, but my mouth said," i know you mean it." I just rested the framed letter on a shelf in my room knowing noone but he and myself would see it. (heaven forbid if someone knew my husband used herroin.) Later that day.. he used.
I wasn't caught off gaurd. i already knew it was coming. I have lost hope in him.I can't even cry about it inside anymore. I feel angry at myself for wasting so many years. I have to get out. I have finally relized that i am going to have to let this marriage go. He says he is going to get some professional help, probably in-patient care. but i of course can not believe anything he says. I am so done, that i don't even know if i will beable to stay even if he does actually clean up. knowing him hell just relapse any ways. I am tired of this whole sortied affair. i dont know why i held in there so long. I should have left when we first got together, and he told me, that he couldn''t see me for a week because he was going through with drawls from herroin.
but i was naieve, and 5 mths pregnant with his baby. I thought my love would heal him. Love was all he needed. But i was wrong. what a fool. this whole cherrade, this drug induced relationship. today i am feeling very unsettled with myself, b/c i have been think, and quietly planning my escape, and i feel terrible. i dont even think he has a clue. it feels so wrong to be so secretive. so unlike me. but i dont see any other choice.
I am afraid of this uncomming event. I see it rearing its head. it is going to be a hard year for me. If i do this. my daughter will be disheartened, my finances will be a mess not unlike myself. who will be alone, saddened by my defeat. Can't say i didn't try though.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hundow,
What 'defeat' are you referring to?
How can someone else's actions -- in the face of your well-intentioned, patient, and long-term support -- be a 'defeat' ? You didn't fail. He did.
How can protecting your remaining years of life, devoting your energy to making yourself and your daughter safe and (finally) happy be called 'defeat' ?
You're not defeated. You're just tired. Can you get some rest, visit an Al-Anon meeting, be with people who energize you? Yes, you have a bit of a journey ahead. It will not be the easiest thing you've ever done, but will probably be nowhere near as awful as you are envisioning. But those of us here at the other end of it are waiting for you, for there is great joy here.
Rest up, focus on YOU, take tiny tiny steps. He is making his choices.
Hugs,
GL
What 'defeat' are you referring to?
How can someone else's actions -- in the face of your well-intentioned, patient, and long-term support -- be a 'defeat' ? You didn't fail. He did.
How can protecting your remaining years of life, devoting your energy to making yourself and your daughter safe and (finally) happy be called 'defeat' ?
You're not defeated. You're just tired. Can you get some rest, visit an Al-Anon meeting, be with people who energize you? Yes, you have a bit of a journey ahead. It will not be the easiest thing you've ever done, but will probably be nowhere near as awful as you are envisioning. But those of us here at the other end of it are waiting for you, for there is great joy here.
Rest up, focus on YOU, take tiny tiny steps. He is making his choices.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Washington st.
Posts: 51
give, thanks so much for those words of encouragement... i guess that sometimes when you hide under the covers for so long all you hear asre your own negitive thoughts and feelings. Thanx again.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
hundow,
I think you are very brave.
You have made a decision to give your daughter an opportunity to grow up, and thrive in a drug free environment.
It may be a hard start, but for sure, you're making good decisions.
You're a good mom.
Kep posting, let us know how you're doing.
Hugs,
I think you are very brave.
You have made a decision to give your daughter an opportunity to grow up, and thrive in a drug free environment.
It may be a hard start, but for sure, you're making good decisions.
You're a good mom.
Kep posting, let us know how you're doing.
Hugs,
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Hun,
We call that thinking of yours "stinkin' thinkin"...and I mean that in the most loving way...
There is NO defeat when a person decides that their life is worth saving. You deserve the best out of life, and if you decide it is best for you to move on, then so be it. You have in no way failed. I see it as taking charge of your life and making decisions that will help you have a better future.
I am so sorry you are in this position, but think about how you want your life to be. If you stay, will you have the life you desire? If you need to move on to make your life better, then go for it. It's a new year and now is the time to make choices that benefit you.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
We call that thinking of yours "stinkin' thinkin"...and I mean that in the most loving way...
There is NO defeat when a person decides that their life is worth saving. You deserve the best out of life, and if you decide it is best for you to move on, then so be it. You have in no way failed. I see it as taking charge of your life and making decisions that will help you have a better future.
I am so sorry you are in this position, but think about how you want your life to be. If you stay, will you have the life you desire? If you need to move on to make your life better, then go for it. It's a new year and now is the time to make choices that benefit you.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
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