My christmas experience.....
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
My christmas experience.....
Christmas Eve was all about going to my folks to open the santa gifts that came early (my boys went with their dad on xmas eve night)... that christmas eve morning... boys were happy...!
My unmedicated schizo sister came over that morning as well... and went off on my dad in his face type thing... and a few minutes later we all left.... after us all looking at each other like wtf are we going to do with her!
Then in the afternoon... I was raging and hating on my recent xabf.... and i did send him some mean texts.... I just wanted him to know how much I hated him... i KNOW... i shouldn't have done it..... and i felt extreme remorse after doing so. Christmas Eve night was nice... boys loved their gifts. Their dad and girlfriend came to get them around 9pm.
A friend of mine came over and stayed late... and basically had a hard on for me... and I had to tell him that we were just friends. Aaaaaaaaah the joy of being single again! Jeezus... this is the worst part for me and being single... telling guy friends... that I'm not interested like that! Fortunately ... he was apologizing the next day and feeling really embarrassed.
Anyway... woke up christmas day to my sister ranting and raving about some voices ... and then my ex messages me a merry christmas... and that he loves me, thinking of me, missing me. I respond back with more hate. We end up on the phone... I'm booing my eyes out and he has already put the nail in the coffin in regards to our relationship. He is at the point of viewing it in hindsight and what all the good was and the reason for why we came together. I'm not even at that point yet. That really hurt... but for his sake.. I 'm glad he is over it. And it really will help me move on too... it just hurts in the process. I was so mad at myself for even being in that closure conversation... I wasn't ready for it. He's grateful to me because he says I may have saved his life. You'd think that would make me feel good right?
Went to my bros with my sister for dinner... and I was most un social..... and came home and was in bed by midnight.
Boys are coming home today and we are celebrating boxing day as a family at my parents. We will do the rest of the presents today... and the boys get their santa stockings!
I've been in such a depression..... I really think the only thing that helps me not cry is to be mean and horrible..... I'll be really glad when I come out of this.
My friends and family all tell me how strong I am... and that I'm going to get through this... and that they hope one day I can recognize how strong I really am, but right now... and lately... I have felt not strong.
I feel like I need support for dealing with my schizo sister, my codie ways, how to be single and deal with the creepy guys that just want to get in my pants or want to rescue me, deal with my aging parents, deal with my son and his issues in school with attention... and honestly, the list goes on. But those there are the most crucial. Think I can learn it all from CNM?
Heres to hoping that Boxing Day at my folks is cheery...... my sister was well at my bros yesterday... but i don't know about today! She has been on one since this morning. I get to take her home tonight!
Boys go again this weekend with their father... have no plans made yet. I might go to the mountains for a shin dig... but it's snowing and I'm terrified driving in the snow. I just know if I stay home... I'm going to be terribly depressed and just lying around crying all day.
My unmedicated schizo sister came over that morning as well... and went off on my dad in his face type thing... and a few minutes later we all left.... after us all looking at each other like wtf are we going to do with her!
Then in the afternoon... I was raging and hating on my recent xabf.... and i did send him some mean texts.... I just wanted him to know how much I hated him... i KNOW... i shouldn't have done it..... and i felt extreme remorse after doing so. Christmas Eve night was nice... boys loved their gifts. Their dad and girlfriend came to get them around 9pm.
A friend of mine came over and stayed late... and basically had a hard on for me... and I had to tell him that we were just friends. Aaaaaaaaah the joy of being single again! Jeezus... this is the worst part for me and being single... telling guy friends... that I'm not interested like that! Fortunately ... he was apologizing the next day and feeling really embarrassed.
Anyway... woke up christmas day to my sister ranting and raving about some voices ... and then my ex messages me a merry christmas... and that he loves me, thinking of me, missing me. I respond back with more hate. We end up on the phone... I'm booing my eyes out and he has already put the nail in the coffin in regards to our relationship. He is at the point of viewing it in hindsight and what all the good was and the reason for why we came together. I'm not even at that point yet. That really hurt... but for his sake.. I 'm glad he is over it. And it really will help me move on too... it just hurts in the process. I was so mad at myself for even being in that closure conversation... I wasn't ready for it. He's grateful to me because he says I may have saved his life. You'd think that would make me feel good right?
Went to my bros with my sister for dinner... and I was most un social..... and came home and was in bed by midnight.
Boys are coming home today and we are celebrating boxing day as a family at my parents. We will do the rest of the presents today... and the boys get their santa stockings!
I've been in such a depression..... I really think the only thing that helps me not cry is to be mean and horrible..... I'll be really glad when I come out of this.
My friends and family all tell me how strong I am... and that I'm going to get through this... and that they hope one day I can recognize how strong I really am, but right now... and lately... I have felt not strong.
I feel like I need support for dealing with my schizo sister, my codie ways, how to be single and deal with the creepy guys that just want to get in my pants or want to rescue me, deal with my aging parents, deal with my son and his issues in school with attention... and honestly, the list goes on. But those there are the most crucial. Think I can learn it all from CNM?
Heres to hoping that Boxing Day at my folks is cheery...... my sister was well at my bros yesterday... but i don't know about today! She has been on one since this morning. I get to take her home tonight!
Boys go again this weekend with their father... have no plans made yet. I might go to the mountains for a shin dig... but it's snowing and I'm terrified driving in the snow. I just know if I stay home... I'm going to be terribly depressed and just lying around crying all day.
Last edited by Abundance; 12-26-2007 at 11:05 AM. Reason: i forgot to proof read before hitting submit.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Just to clarify... I don't hate my ex... I know he didn't do anything intentionally to hurt me... I know that his issues are not my issues... I know that I will love him until I go to my grave... I will cherish all of the fond times and will be sad that we were not in the end strong enough to see the light at the end of the tunnel and be able to look back together and think that we got through some hard times, but at least we had each other!
Having hate is my defense mechanism and it is the most untrue way I'm feeling. I'm really just very unhappy with my life and I'm upset because I feel that I did cause the problems, and I couldn't control it and I didn't cure it. Where I know that those 3 c's right there... are really not supposed to carry any weight. But they do.
Having hate is my defense mechanism and it is the most untrue way I'm feeling. I'm really just very unhappy with my life and I'm upset because I feel that I did cause the problems, and I couldn't control it and I didn't cure it. Where I know that those 3 c's right there... are really not supposed to carry any weight. But they do.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
3 words.
Meetings meetings meetings.
Seriously, meetings make you feel SOOO much better!
(well, at least they help ME feel better. I always walk out of a meeting with a little less of the world on my shoulders)
Hugs,
Meetings meetings meetings.
Seriously, meetings make you feel SOOO much better!
(well, at least they help ME feel better. I always walk out of a meeting with a little less of the world on my shoulders)
Hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
They don't have them here 
I've looked. They have them about an hour away, but it is at 7:30pm on a Thursday night and being the single mom ...... I don't know how to pull it off. How can I ask someone to look after my children for a problem that I have that concerns someone else?
I've looked. They have them about an hour away, but it is at 7:30pm on a Thursday night and being the single mom ...... I don't know how to pull it off. How can I ask someone to look after my children for a problem that I have that concerns someone else?
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Oh gosh, Abundance,
I sure wish there was someway you could attend some meetings.
We use to have online meetings, here, at this site, perhaps they will start up again.
AND at least you're here, where we all understand where you're coming from, right?
Hugs to you,
I sure wish there was someway you could attend some meetings.
We use to have online meetings, here, at this site, perhaps they will start up again.
AND at least you're here, where we all understand where you're coming from, right?
Hugs to you,
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
P.S. At a meeting the other day, someone said
"Anger is like acid, it eats the container it lies in"
I thought it was a great quote.
So for now, you think of you,
and do some good stuff for YOU.
You're the important person.
Hugs,
"Anger is like acid, it eats the container it lies in"
I thought it was a great quote.
So for now, you think of you,
and do some good stuff for YOU.
You're the important person.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((abundance)))
Wish I had some great words to make it all better for you, but I don't. I just know that we have to feel what we feel, and deal with the feelings when they come (otherwise, they will come back to bite us in the a$$!).
One thing, though. As far as alanon meetings....they are for YOU, no one else. Don't feel bad about asking someone to keep your kids for you to do something good for you. I hate that there aren't any meetings closer, but if you can go to one, you will get phone numbers to call and you may even find someone there that lives close to you...just a thought.
Sending you bunches of hugs and prayers!
Amy
Wish I had some great words to make it all better for you, but I don't. I just know that we have to feel what we feel, and deal with the feelings when they come (otherwise, they will come back to bite us in the a$$!).
One thing, though. As far as alanon meetings....they are for YOU, no one else. Don't feel bad about asking someone to keep your kids for you to do something good for you. I hate that there aren't any meetings closer, but if you can go to one, you will get phone numbers to call and you may even find someone there that lives close to you...just a thought.
Sending you bunches of hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Susan, Diane, and Amy ~ Thank you very much for your support.
Tonight was nice at my folks house..... my mom as always puts on the most lovely English dinner! My sister was actually well behaved as well
A friend is going to come over tonight after I put the boys to bed and we are going to do some baking together! It helps so much to not be alone right now.
Which is another reason why I love it here at SR, I don't feel alone!
My dad could tell that I was not doing well... he knows we had broken up..... he was really kind and told me that he is here for me to talk about it. He knows how much we loved each other... and he really was so happy for me. He doesn't know much of the bad... as I'm too ashamed. He says it's like a scab... the more you pick at it.. the wound will open and I'll feel the pain all over again. I know exactly what he means!
My guy and I texted a bit today.. I know I know I know... you guys don't have to tell me ... and to make it worse... I"m the one that initiated contact. I miss him so damn much! He was kind and said that he wishes things were different..... as so do I....
So... that is the end of my Christmas 07! Now just the NYE dealio to get through..... looks like the boys are going to be with their dad through to the 1st... so I suppose I will head up the mountain.... just brave it up a bit... get some chains....! Thank goodness for lap tops... should I have to come on here while up there!
Peace out! xo
Tonight was nice at my folks house..... my mom as always puts on the most lovely English dinner! My sister was actually well behaved as well
A friend is going to come over tonight after I put the boys to bed and we are going to do some baking together! It helps so much to not be alone right now.
Which is another reason why I love it here at SR, I don't feel alone!
My dad could tell that I was not doing well... he knows we had broken up..... he was really kind and told me that he is here for me to talk about it. He knows how much we loved each other... and he really was so happy for me. He doesn't know much of the bad... as I'm too ashamed. He says it's like a scab... the more you pick at it.. the wound will open and I'll feel the pain all over again. I know exactly what he means!
My guy and I texted a bit today.. I know I know I know... you guys don't have to tell me ... and to make it worse... I"m the one that initiated contact. I miss him so damn much! He was kind and said that he wishes things were different..... as so do I....
So... that is the end of my Christmas 07! Now just the NYE dealio to get through..... looks like the boys are going to be with their dad through to the 1st... so I suppose I will head up the mountain.... just brave it up a bit... get some chains....! Thank goodness for lap tops... should I have to come on here while up there!
Peace out! xo
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