BayAreaPhoenix

In August I told my husband I wanted a divorce - as some know, we hadn't had sex in years and not much of a marriage otherwise, no connection on most any level. Well, about 2-3 weeks after that found out that he's been addicted to codeine (and who knows what other pain-killers, I now know he stole a lot of vicodin from a neighbor) for at least 7 years, but probably more. So, I go to Alanon, NA and my own therapist and I know it's OK for me to be done. He says he's tapering, but I don't think so, and I know if he goes to work he comes home and just stays here (I'm "living" upstairs right now) so I doubt there is any recovery going on. I've been looking for a place to rent, but this is my home too - I have put not just money, but TLC into this place and I refuse to just go to some hole to give him space. For a while I was almost panicking that I had to get out, but this week I think it's starting to sink in. That I have rights too, that it's not all about him - -it's been all about him and his comfort level for years - I have begged, cried, pleaded, reasoned, yelled, discussed, rationalized for my needs - physical connection, emotional connection, etc. His response was always, I'll work on it. Sometimes, most times, he would get angry and "hurt" that I didn't see what he was doing for me, etc. so then it turned around into making him feel better. I now understand that I was being manipulated by an addict, but at the time I didn't know that - I thought I needed to acknowledge his hurt feelings too, etc. OK, this is getting long-winded. I guess I'm just started to "get it" that it's not OK, I'm in recovery and he's not. I'm pissed off, I'm pissed off that wanting out of this marriage is my idea - according to him - I'm pissed off that I have to leave this house (my home) because he won't - it's his sanctuary and he CAN'T leave it right now - blah blah blah - I'm getting really angry about all this and I don't know what, if anything, to do with it. I know it's OK to feel what I feel, but do I deal with this myself - with my therapist, etc. or do I actually let him know about it? Can he even hear me? I'm just a little surprised that this anger is coming out, I haven't felt it yet, but it hasn't been that long either - and I know I have to go through the steps, like everyone else, I just am not sure what I do with this one? Thanks for listening, as always!

kj21

I think it is good you feel the anger. It will help you do what you need to do to be happier. I have no advice on how to get him to leave...Hopefully others will be along soon. I am glad you realize it isn't all about his hurt feelings. He is a grown man, you need to focus on you, how to be happy. You might have to leave your home and make a new one. My thoughts are with you.

greeteachday

Anger is a stage of grief and I imagine you are grieving the end of your marriage. Up until recently with recovery, I felt the need to make the other person know and "understand" the reason for my feelings. Now I am starting to learn that I can not make someone feel what I want him to feel or understand what is in my head. It is now easier for me to express myself once, then let it go.

Working with your counselor sounds healthy...I'm sure he or she can help you to understand your feelings and gain perpsective. Only you can determine if it will accomplish anything but frustrating yourself to talk to your husband. Hugs