phers211987

well lets see here. My bf was realesed from prison in june after searving almost 7 years. we have only been together 3 and a half months. I told him that I would not be with a nother addict. Well 3 times in the past 2 weeks Ive found needles and a spoon in his belongs or car. I questioned him acting very calm and understanding. He denyed it and said it was cause he works with addicts and that he was throwing it away or returning it. I didnt believe him. so i was snooping more and more. Well last night while he was sleeping in my bed i noticed something in his sock. so i tool it out and it was 2 needles and a spoon, also the spoon had like a little piece of plactic over it, so i figured that there was still dope on it. i woke him up and told him that i was tired of the lies. I told him not to lie to me or question my intellengce. He came clean. I told him that i knew he was doing something but i just didnt know what. He told me that it was herion, and I almost died. He said that he had done it years ago before he went to prison, and didnt start doing it again untill about a month and a half ago. and that he didnt want to tell me because id leave him. i was asking him all kinds of questions and he was cold. not a tear nothing. he said yes im a junkie, i love u and i need help, ill do anything for you, are u gonna leave me? I told him that i have been with addicts before and I know that you have to want to stop for your self. That no matter how much i love you that is not enough to quit. I have no idea what to do. I have falled in love with this man and now im thrown this. He told me that he did it again cause we were arguing. I thought that was a lousy ascuse. i told him that recovery 101 is that you never surround your self with anyone who does drugs. how do i help? can i help? what do i do? Im so upset. he tells me that he needs my help but i dont know how to help... Sorry my spelling sucks. Emails will be perfect, or even here . Thank you.

Spiritual Seeker

Your own words "I told him that I would not be with a nother addict."
Follow through.
Get yourself into a recovery program to learn why you are attracted to these types and get yourself healthy so that you make better choices.
You know how this will go. You shouldn't be asking how you can help him. He is not a child to be mothered and you need someone who doesn't need fixin'
The outcome of this relationship is predictable. Be proud of yourself by living your convictions.

mooselips

phers211987,
Sorry to hear of your circumstances that brought you here.
I am the mother of 2 adult son addicts, one is sober, the other not.
One is 29, the other 34, and let me tell you, it has been a long hard road.

If loving them would have made them sober, both of them would be now. But it doesn't work that way. They have to do it theirselves. NOTHING we can do to help them. And by giving them money, and a soft place to fall, we just finance, their addiction.

Your BF may very well tell you he won't use again, he's through, he loves you, and all the other things, I've heard from my 2 sons, but let me just say this...actions speak louder than words.
Dn't believe a word of it, they, unfortunately, lie.

Hugs to you,

rayofsunshine

Welcome Phers, you've found a good place for encouragement and support. Be sure to read the sticky posts at the top of the forum, especially "What Addicts Do". My AH is currently in prison serving an 18 month sentence. You're living what I fear when he gets out in Jan. Do yourself a favor and learn all you can about addiction. (The sticky posts here will help.) When listening to his promises, remember the saying "Actions, not words." Addiction is progressive, and if he's not 100% working on recovery, it will get worse. Keep reading and posting. It will help you so much.

hope213

honey, you run for the hills. you deserve better. you can not help him.he does not want your help, he wants to help himself to you. welcome to S.R. & please keep coming back.prayers,

Troubledone

Sweetie

One: Run, don't walk, to the nearest nar-anon family group. You need support to embrace your own wisdom and not let him buffalo you.

Two: You cannot help him if he doesn't want it, and since he's not asking, you can bet the drugs have him.

Three , start asking yourself why you won't trust your own instincts.

You know what you have to do, you've said it. (not be with another addict) Find out what's keeping you stuck and work on that - the rest will take care of itself.

If you work on your recovery from co-dependence, he will either get better or worse, by his own decisions. But at least you'll be free.

I apologize if this seems harsh. You obviously deserve better and in his condition, the light at the end of the tunnel is a long, long way off.

Love and Prayers

caileesnana

Run, run, as fast as you can......:atv

rahsue

3 1/2 months is nothing compared to years if you stay
sorry if I sound cold but get out before marriage and children come along and you find yourself in deeper trouble.

miu_miu

I know exactly where you're at. Reading your words and his quotes is like tearing pages from my life story. I still struggle over what to do, even though I'm more than determined to stay. The question is if it's the right thing to do? Sometimes time gives the answers we can't find "here" and "now".

ccirider

Hi Phers:

If you had a daughter with a BF like the one you have, what would you say to her?

Peace.

Momsrainbow

My AH is an addict. He is clean right now-locked up in county jail on the waiting list to go back to prison. He was out for almost a yr. before I figured out he was back on drugs. I was heatbroken and sick(lost 30 lbs. in 3 months). Found SR and began a slow learning/recovery process. It was hard at first but became more and more clear as I read and learned. You will find much support here.

I suggest you read the stickys-especially what addicts do and the one of let me fall. We did not do this to them, we cannot help them. They have to want to help themselves and find their own way. Some find their way and unfortunately some do not.

You must take care of yourself first!!!! Praying for the best for you.

lightseeker

so sorry for your pain and your situation. I really do understand and know that you love him. You asked how do I help? The best way is to help yourself. The comment by Hope123 is the truest thing I've ever seen - he doesn't want your help, he wants to help himself to you. The longer he has you tolerating any of this the longer his addiction will continue. How do you show that you won't tolerate it? Your feet - walk away. You said that you will not be involved with another addict. Are you going to be strong enough to honor what you have said is best FOR YOU? There is nothing that you can do that will help him other than help yourself....you can't love someone clean. Addicts become the craftiest people in the world.....remember, right now it's the addict in him that is asking you not to leave him. Recovery is a LONG road - I'm married to someone with 2 1/2 years clean and I tell you......it never goes away - even when they are clean. Someone once told me "short term pain for long term gain". There is nothing that you did or will ever do that causes him to use. Our own egos believe that we are that powerful - but actually, the reason he uses is because he is an addict in active addiction. Keep coming back - it's awesome that you are talking about this somewhere.......Thankful that you found this wonderful sight.

Donna