Nikki2003

Sometimes I wonder if there are two of my husband. The one I have known for the past so many years and the one I am learning about as all teh things he has done are coming to light as people come and talk to me. The more i learn the more hopeless things seem.

Another addiction my husband has is gambling. I found this out in September. But I have since learned that it has been going on for years and way before we got married. How did I not know? I discovered that teh main reason he has been laid off from so many jobs is not because of work shortages but because he was caught stealing. He was fired from several before we were married(that I didn't know about) for just that. Some bosses even set him up because things were going missing so they set him up to see if it was him and it was. Now I am learning that because he was married and had kids his bosses took pitty on him and would lay him off instead of firing him for the thefts. I had no clue until my stepdad, who works in teh same industy as my husband and has many of the same friends and knows many of his employers filled me in today. He let me know that it is getting to the point that my husband will not be able to get a job around here. And I refuse to move because my support net work is here.

I can't work because I have several disabilities. So I am the one who stays home and cares for the kids. Now knowing that he is destroying his reputation and making it so that he might not be able to support his family because no one will hire him puts a whole new stress on the matter.

If this stealing at work has been going on for as long as my step dad says(well before we were married) then will it ever stop? Or will he never be able to be trusted agian? I am at a total loss as to what to do ir think right now. Every day I am learning more of what he has been doing over the years and none of it is good. And I have been too blind to see it.

I tried talking to my mom about it to try and think clearly and she said something very hurtful but has stuck in my mind. She says "You choose to marry him, you choose to have the kids and you choose your life."

Ummmm Yeah I choose to marry the man I was being shown. I had no idea about these other problems. If I had known I would never have married him and I know that for a fact. Yeah I choose to have my children and I love them. But i did not choose to have them under these circumstances. As for choosing my life I did not choose to be married to an addict. I had no idea.

ugg I feel like my life is such a mess and I have no idea how to get out of it.
Nikki

greeteachday

Ahhhh Nikki, I am so, so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, addiction is addiction is addiction and until he truly decides that he has had enough and is ready to fight with all he has to change, you will unfortunely propably find more unpleasant surprises.

I am so sorry too for your mom's hurtful words. Sometimes, I find that people say things they don't mean out of fear. She is probably worried about you. Unfortunately, unless someone is going through it herself, she can not really understand the horror of living with addiction.

Please don't feel stupid for not knowing what was going on or feel that somehow you caused this. I think we all feel that way at first, but it just is NOT true. Addiction is a disease and when the addict is active, there really isn't anything more important than the next high....And gambling too creates a high...it's all so similar.

I really hope you can find an Alanon or Naranon meeting - the face to face support of others who have been where you are is just amazing. I'm praying for you and your family and sending hugs to you.

bookmiser

((((Nikki))))

Sorry. I saw your update and I still bumped your other thread to the top to offer my support. lol, Duh.
Gosh, what awful news. Then your mom's not so supportive manner?
Thanks alot, mom. My mother's passed, but she and I were really close.
She was kinda outspoken like that, too, though. She let me know in no uncertain terms when she thought I had screwed up. I wish there was someone you could talk with and get support from.
Do you have any relative or friend that you can confide in? You going through this alone is tough. Have you looked into alanon meetings in your area.
As Greet said, an addict is an addict, is an addict, and until he's ready for change....it's not gonna happen. Live with what you can. I pray he hits rock bottom soon and starts to turn his life around. Yet, with the jobs, the stealing, the gambling... I'm so sorry this is overwhelming for you. Be kind and gentle to yourself.
You might even consider looking into counseling for yourself at this difficult time.
Hugs,

Nikki2003

Thanks both of you. I plan to talk to my church leader about counseling for me. I know I need it. As for the meetings I will be talking to my doctor friend this week to see if there are any local ones. I do not drive so I have to rely on others to watch teh kids and also take me to any doctor visits or meetings I have. So that does make it a little difficult. My husband is hte one that did all the driving.

I feel like if I make one false move I will be looked down upon(it is like i am walking on a very thin tight rope and being pushed on all sides). I know some people are disappointed in me for not telling him to leave perminantly when I found out about the drug use. I just couldn't. I beleive none of us are perfect and we all deserve a chance to change when we make a mistake. He is my husband and he has been a good one, at least the one I know of(not the one I am finding out about now), for most of our marriage. I love him. And our kids love him. I don't want to just give up. But some are pushing me too. All they do is contact me with more negative stuff and telling me about how he will never change and I will have to always deal with his lieing anf stealing and so on for the rest of my life and how I am a bad parent if I allow him to stay in the marriage and do all this. I feel like i am expected to make perfect decisions and be a rock for everyone and not need to vent to anyone because then I am viewed as whining.

Everyone around me seems to forget that I just had a baby, was finding all of this stuff out while I was in the last month of pregnancy and suppose to be on bed rest. I feel so broken down, like i ma running on empty. If it wasn't for this place and you kind, understanding people I have no idea what I would do because I was seriously starting to think I was at fault some how for all of this.

I just don't know what I will do at this point. He does have treatment set up to start in the middle of December. And his doctor has written a form saying he can't work till March. So he will be home once his court date comes up next week because since it was his first offence there won't be any jail time. I found out yesterday that he blames me now for everything and that if the cops weren't called then he would not now have a record. So I know he will be coming home blaming me. Part of me is so torn. One part of me wants to help him in any way I can, another part of me feels we need to have a clear plan of when enough is enough, and other part of me never wants to give up and always fight for my family to be together, another part of me just wants to say forget it and send him packing. I just have no clue at this point.
Nikki

greeteachday

Nikki, it helped me to try to just take baby steps...to not project into the future and to stay in each day. There is a reading that says "Just for today I will try to live in this day only and not try to tackle my whole life's problems. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime." When I have been to the point where i think I just can't go further, this helps me to restore some balance.

I'm sorry that you do not have the "live" support...Just remember what "they" think does not mean it is reality. Only you can decide what is best for you and your kids and that decision does not have to be made now. The important thing is to be safe...perhaps think about a plan in case you want to get out of the house and he is angry...just to keep safe. As things unfold and you get stronger both physically and emotionally after all this drama, you will be able to take more baby steps and grow in your own recovery. For me, thinking about it all is overwhelming...taking small pieces to consider helps. Hugs

DevastatedJP

I feel your pain. I'm in a very similar situation sweetie. Stay here and read everything you can. SR has sooooo much support to offer. I have not been to any meetings yet either. Right now, I'm getting my strength here. Sometimes it's just the strength to keep my mouth shut (thanks everybody). I do not think we are fools - they are just very very good at what they do. Addicts are professional cons and most are very likable. I'm worried about your financial situation with him loosing his job and you being out on disability. Since you belong to a church, there may be something they can do to temporarily help you out. Church's (at least mine is) are usually very helpful resources.

I'm so sorry. Stay strong and don't beat yourself up. Let's pick ourselves up and try to look out for us and ours OK?

I'll pray for you too tonight even though when I was at church this morning I prayed for everyone at SR.:praying

hopeforever

hugs to you,, stay strong.
hugstoyou

bookmiser

(((((Nikki)))))



Sending you prayers for strength and perseverance.

Nikki2003

Thanks everyone.

Greeteachday - thanks so much for the suggestion. It certianly made getting through yesterday so much easier with just thinking about that day instead of the future and what it could hold.

Today is much harder for me though because my mind is completely on tomorrow since hubby is going to court tomorrow and then most likely coming home. I did a new thread about it because it has me so stressed.
Nikki