wildbucky13

My recovery shined for me tonight. It took a while to see it's glow, but once I recognized it for what it was I was proud of myself, and thankful for everyone who helped to get me to where I am.
My association with SR began in 2005, when I was at the end of my rope with my AH. I began to work my program, asked questions, met a lot of great people, and eventually found the strength to tell my AH he had to go. Fast forward to New Years Eve 2006. After being seperated from my AH on and off all year, I made the decision to finally file for divorce, I couldn't take it any more. Then the call came. AH wanted me to pick him up in the city. He was cold, tired, dirty, had lost his car (which he was living out of), and wanted help. I went to get him. He entered rehab 3 days later. I put the divorce off.
He did a 7 month in patient program with the Salvation Army. He did well, became the man I married, and then some. Our son finally knew his father for the first time in 2 years. He graduated, got a job with the Salvation Army, and has been clean for 11 months.
I believe tonight he ended his clean time.
I decided last month that even though he had been clean for so long, that I was unable to live with the uncertainty hanging over my head for the rest of my life. I would always question, always wonder, always wait for the other shoe to fall. When he asked me if I wanted a divorce, I said yes.
I signed over the car to him today... he will need one to get back and forth to work, and up until now I or my father have been taking him back and forth. He got it on the road and drove himself to work for the first time today. At 3:30pm he called to say he was taking a co-worker home, and wanted to check out the apartment building he lived in, because that was where he was thinking about moving to after Christmas. It wouldn't take too long, he's be home shortly for dinner. He strolled in at 3:22 am.
My gut told me something wasn't right about 6pm. I put the baby to bed, working myself into a fine state I might add. Recovery kicked in about 8:30. I phoned a friend. And when this friend had to go, I phoned another friend. I wasn't making myself suffer in silence like I did so long ago.
I was actually able to feel sympathy for my AH, knowing that no matter what I said or did, it wouldn't hurt him nearly as bad as he was already feeling. I didn't call him to find out where he was, or when he'd be home. That was a boundry I set for my own sanity a long time ago. I'd know when/if he came home.
I'm calling my cousin (an attorney) tommorrow (today) to get things in motion. We were originally going to wait until after Christmas, however, I can not live another night like I just did. I have been up for almost 24 hours. I'm tired, shakey, but determined.
Thank you to everyone here at SR. You were with me tonight, even though I haven't been on for a while. You've helped me to grow, and to make a situation that would have once floored me, bearable. Thank you.

Jewelz

wildbucky,

First I want to say I'm sorry.. I understand how ahrd this is. But I also want to add I see your recovery shinming very brightly. Continue on taking care of you and everything will be okay.

hugs,
Jewel

Ann

(((April)))

I know this isn't easy for you, but I also know that it actually feels good when we reach our "enough" point, and it sounds like you reached yours. When we finally decide "no more", it's a huge step in bringing our focus back to ourselves and that's when we can begin healing.

I'm glad you had a good year (up to now), I'm glad your son got to know his dad, and my prayers go out for all of you, including you husband, that he will find his way back to sobriety soon for the sake of your son and himself.

We're here for you and are open 24 hours, so don't ever hesitate to come talk it out anytime.

Hugs

WENDYLOST101

April, first let me say you are an inspiration. Second let me say how sorry I am that this happened. I understand that you were already going to go through with the divorce but him relapsing just makes it that much worse. I am sorry. I will be thinking of you. (((April)))

outonalimb

((((April))))

First of all, big hugs to you today. I know how hard it is to see glimpses of your husband and the father of your child but to know, deep down, that the trust is gone and that there is nothing (not even a good year of recovery) that can fix it once its broken. For so long, we focus on our wish that they would get clean...only to find that once they do, we have alot of trust issues that probably can't be fixed. Its all just so hard...especially when we have a child with the addict. I feel your pain and disapointment...

but I also see a great deal of strength and recovery in you and the way you handled this latest relapse. Although it hurts...although there is great sadness...there is also great hope for your future because you know that there is a life out there just waiting for you. Your future is a clean slate. And, just as Ann said, there is a certain relief that comes when we reach that breaking point...

Get some rest April...and try to do something extra loving for yourself today. Sending you prayers, hugs and a whole lotta support...

hope213

you have reached your point of enough. i know this is hard but i know your recovery will be strong when he starts the "i am sorry routine." keep coming back ,we r here for you. i am proud of you too.prayers, hope

Cupicake

Thinking about you and am proud of you....
pat on back my friend...pat on back.:comfort

wildbucky13

((((I love you guys.))))

Lovestoomuch

Double ditto topped off with an I love you my friend! For some reason the Mary Tyler Moore song just popped in my head lol. "You're gonna make it after all".